Serious question on dating a single parent [Archive]

pzarquon

October 12th, 2006, 11:09 AM

If you're just dating, just getting started, you don't have to be thinking about parenting or adoption issues right now. At least you know there is a kid in the picture... usually that's a surprise saved for later!

Get to know her as you would any other regular date. If you ever get to the point where you think your relationship is "more than dating," that's when you can broach the stickier subjects, and of course get to know the kid, and how you'd adust to sharing her (and how the kid would adjust to the same). Otherwise, have a good time. As long as you're on the same page and not already talking life-partner stuff, don't sweat it.

And if she's the first single parent you've dated, definitely relish it as a learning experience. Parents generally have a different perspective on things, big and small, than young, unencumbered singles do. Just make sure that the small talk doesn't revolve entirely around her kid!

nachodaddy

October 12th, 2006, 11:13 AM

Serious answer- in the form of questions.

Which one do you like the most: the girl or the kid(s)? AKA would you be attracted to the girl if she did not have any kids.

Do you somehow feel "sorry" for her in her situation?

First, you gotta be good with the entire package but ask yourself what FIRST drew you into this situation.

Leo Lakio

October 12th, 2006, 11:16 AM

If I were truly interested in the person, sure? (Hypothetical, Manoa - current circumstances notwithstanding.) Why not? Their having a child is not a flaw, but it certainly does bring a unique set of challenges into the relationship, ones that you don't dare ignore.

Those challenges will vary depending upon the age of the child, of course. A toddler will accept your being around a LOT faster and easier than will a teenager.

At this point, you're just talking about dating, right? Too soon to know if this will be a longer-term relationship, where you will have a strong role in the child's life, I assume.

But don't automatically stigmatize someone who is a single parent; everybody had some kind of a life before you entered into the equation - sometimes, you'll never know the details, and sometimes (like in this case) you'll learn some of them.

Unless you just absolutely don't like children and don't want them to be a part of your future (which is perfectly acceptable.) If that's the case, don't waste time (yours, theirs, the kid's) dating someone with kids. (But I suspect you'd say, "well duh!" to that...)

manoasurfer123

October 12th, 2006, 11:30 AM

Leo Lakio

October 12th, 2006, 11:36 AM

Mike: Manoa's story can serve you well. Depending on how seriously involved you get with someone, you may be up against that very challenge.

But if you really decide to pursue a long-term relationship, it means you will have to win over more than just one person. However, seeing Momma happy can go a long way towards soothing a child's concerns.

Lei Liko

October 12th, 2006, 11:47 AM

I once dated a guy who was involved in a messy custody battle with his ex-GF. His children (both under the age of 5) were horrible little monsters with bad manners, and after I called it quits with him, I said that I'd never be with a man with kids ever again.

Of course, that didn't happen.

I am currently in a relationship (over a year now) with a man who has an infant son. He and his ex-GF ended their relationship before his son was born, but he made it clear that he wasn't about to neglect his parental responsibilities. After a bit of drama on his ex's end, he was able to get partial custody of the baby.

On our first date, he was up-front about his then 2 month old son, and I'm glad he did that. Still, it took over a year for me to finally meet him. For a while I wanted to keep things separate. He had his life with me, but I didn't want to be a part of the life he has with his son, whom he sees on the weekends.

I finally got to meet the baby at his first baby luau this summer and we've been spending more time with each other. While the BF and I live with each other, I still try to give those two their own time because I don't want a) him to get attached to me (and vice versa) and b) him to get confused with me and his mommy (we kinda look alike-ha!).

I'm in a good situation because his ex is far from psycho and his son's too young to give me hell (aside from the stinky diapers, of course)!

tutusue

October 12th, 2006, 12:10 PM

[...]I often resented them and would act out towards my mom to get her to bring back her focus to me....[...]
BINGO...

That's very insightful, Manoa.

Lei Liko

October 12th, 2006, 12:27 PM

I can reverse this a bit and put it from the childs perspective.

My mom was a single mother from the time I was about 3.

I became her "man" for the rest of her life. When guys did attempt to
"date" her... I often resented them and would act out towards my mom
to get her to bring back her focus to me....

Guys never really had a chance to date my mom because of me.

Still to this day... I can remember the names of every guy that did come and go into my mom's life. The weird thing is... I remember them better then my mom does now! To my mom...they were just a thing to play with... to me at the times... they were people that would attempt to win me over only to hurt both me and my mom in the long run.

My mom was widowed when I was 10. At 37, she never thought that she'd have to raise a kid by herself.

When I was 13, she met a man through family friends. Even though he came well recommended, I was the most horrible daughter. I hung up the phone on him each time he called (usually screaming at him too), I'd slam doors on his face, I ran away from home so much that my mom threatened to throw me into Hale Kipa, and I even keyed his car once just so he'd get tired of me and eventually leave my mom.

I wanted her attention all to myself too. But he was persistent and stuck by her even though I gave them both isht. Two years later he moved in with us and while they don't plan on marrying each other ever, I still consider him my stepdad and his adult daughters my stepsisters.

The end of my junior year of high school, I started realizing that he wasn't so bad after all. I was contemplating leaving Hawai`i to attend college on the mainland (which I eventually did) and I feared that doing so would leave my mom alone. But I remembered that she had him now, so that gave me peace of mind.

"Uncle" (as I have called him for the last 14 years) and I don't get along all the time, and we've been known to get into verbal assaults here and there, but I know he means well and he still wants only the best for us.

I just like knowing that someone's taking care of her again while I'm away.

lavagal

October 12th, 2006, 01:46 PM

I like Dr. Laura's take on this: Don't. Let this person raise their children and when they are 18 then this person can start dating again. The children need their parent to be both mother and father. If children have to watch their parent go through a series of relationships, get to the point where they might have a new "daddy" or "mommy," and then that person is suddenly out of the picture, it throws the kid off. First, the child observes the parent to learn how members of the oposite sex are treated. If you shack up with another, the kid learns that shacking up is acceptable behavior. The kid also learns that when you're through with each other, it's OK to pack up and run. If there is indeed a serious commitment, then waiting until children are grown and safely ushered into the world will not be such a difficult thing to do. Kids first.

Lei Liko

October 12th, 2006, 01:50 PM

Konaguy

October 12th, 2006, 01:51 PM

It is going to require a lot of hard work on your part to make it work. After
seeing my brother get involved with a woman whom already has two kids,
it has radically changed his life. All I can say is I'm very lucky that I'm still single- I can do whatever I like whenever I like :)

pzarquon

October 12th, 2006, 01:58 PM

Yipe. A Dr. Laura reference. The woman's entitled to her opinion but the fact that so many turn to her as a voice of moral authority scares the hell out of me. Her specific views are hardly uncommon (mothers shouldn't work, extramarital sex is wrong, no one should date before age 18), but her insistence on black-and-white absolutes is ridiculous... particularly since she's basically broken all the rules she insists on promoting.

A dating parent may lead to instability for the child (and I too can attest to being a total nightmare for my dad when he started dating after my parents divorced), but may also lead to a strong and supportive whole family unit that you'd miss out on as a child if your single-parent became a celibate hermit until you were 18. Was it tough? Sure. I'm pretty sure I was uncomfortable and scared and as a result drove away a few prospects (and relished doing it!).

But I'm sure glad that everyone eventually soldiered through, that my dad found a new partner, and that I got to spend a few years as "a kid" with a new stepbrother. My family is larger, ultimately, and happier.

Leo Lakio

October 12th, 2006, 02:01 PM

I like Dr. Laura's take on thisWith all due respect to you, Paula - but generally, if Dr. Laura Suchabitch* says it, I'm agin' it!:p

(* name adaptation courtesy of singer Cheryl Wheeler)

Lei Liko

October 12th, 2006, 02:03 PM

With all due respect to you, Paula - but generally, if Dr. Laura Suchabitch* says it, I'm agin' it!:p

(* name adaptation courtesy of singer Cheryl Wheeler)

One of the few things we can actually agree on. :D

tutusue

October 12th, 2006, 02:32 PM

[...]A dating parent may lead to instability for the child (and I too can attest to being a total nightmare for my dad when he started dating after my parents divorced),[...]
I'm pretty sure I was uncomfortable and scared and as a result drove away a few prospects (and relished doing it!).[...]
Wow, PZ. I hope your dad reads your entire post. He'd be proud, I'm sure. And, from the sounds of it, I'm really happy I only danced with your dad at the old Kahala Hilton (http://www.hawaiithreads.com/showpost.php?p=108485&postcount=11)!!! :eek: I hope Ethan knows what a neato step-brother he has! :D

Maybe it's different with girls but my 2 were 10 and 11 when I remarried. Neither acted out when I was dating or after marrying.

Leo Lakio

October 12th, 2006, 02:37 PM

One of the few things we can actually agree on. :DHee-hee-hee!;)

manoasurfer123

October 12th, 2006, 02:50 PM

I'm pretty sure I was uncomfortable and scared and as a result drove away a few prospects (and relished doing it!).
I think it was more of me afraid of losing my mom... as I pretty much ended up losing my dad at the time do to the distance that they moved away from eachother. And watching my dad abuse my mom... I wasn't about to let any other guy do that again.

Maybe it's different with girls but my 2 were 10 and 11 when I remarried. Neither acted out when I was dating or after marrying.
Lucky:rolleyes: j/k ...You must have met someone they approved of...none of my biz... but how old were they when you seperated from their father... They may have been more adjusted due to the length of time also.
Maybe it was different for me and PZ because I didn't have another sibling to have support.... PZ gained a sibling... The guys that were attempting to p/u my mom were just looking to get their rocks off... as far as I could tell... Cause the second I came into the picture.... they would scram!:eek:

lavagal

October 12th, 2006, 04:02 PM

I think we can all agree to disagree here. I think it would suck to be a widowed or divorced mother with a couple of kids to look out for on my own. I don't think people should be alone. I also don't think divorce should be a drive-through convenience either, especially if there are kids involved. That said, if Leo is looking into dating a mom, he should brace himself for a bumpy ride, with trials and tests at every turn. My folks got divorced when I was a teenager. I had two siblings. Not only were we all dealing with teen issues (that totally suck whether your mom and dad are there are not), but we had to deal with our parents acting like babies. Ripping up clothes in closets, beatings, cleaning out bank accounts, fooling around, showing up with weird dates. I still don't talk to my dad after 20 years. When you're a parent, looking out for Number One should include looking out for the kids, too.
I finally did get married (in my 30s) and I finally did have kids (in my 40s), and I was reluctant to do both. I now have no regrets. I'm a very happy wife and mom. How's this for odd: After my third miscarriage, my mom, in her weird way of trying to console me said, "Kid's aren't all they're cracked up to be." I beg to differ.

jdub

October 12th, 2006, 05:26 PM

When I was running a small Montessori school in the East Bay, I started dating one of the single mothers I enrolled. In retrospect, I guess it was a bit of a conflict of interests. I enrolled her at a discount in a work exchange agreement. So we spent a lot of time together. I guess dating was inevitable, but as soon as she walked in the door, I hoped it was a foregone conclusion.

She was a terrific mom. She was a great friend. And she had a smashing Northern English accent. She was a Mensa member and luthier who made her own electric fiddle. It ended amicably, although I think she may have been in love with me at a time when I was still hopelessly hung up on my ex. I couldn't reciprocate, and she understood. We stayed friends, and I actually helped her stand up for intellectual parity with a professor she began dating.

I'd definitely date another single mom. My own mom was a single mom when she met my dad. And they're still together. Folks is folks and everyone's got baggage. I don't see kids as baggage.

SusieMisajon

October 12th, 2006, 05:48 PM

After you get to be a certain age, finding a new, unused, not 'previously owned' partner may get to be a challenge...unless you are willing to go for younger and younger 'cherry' models.

At some point, dating someone with a 'clean slate' after a certain age is suspicious....'what do you mean, you're still a virgin at forty? Wassamattah you?'

Leo Lakio

October 12th, 2006, 06:09 PM

That said, if Leo is looking into dating a mom...Whoopsie - not me! (Don't want the beloved Alpha Female from Kane`ohe to think something's up.) 'Tis Mike who might be in pursuit of the mom.

lavagal

October 12th, 2006, 06:13 PM

Whoopsie - not me! (Don't want the beloved Alpha Female from Kane`ohe to think something's up.) 'Tis Mike who might be in pursuit of the mom.

Sorry! And I certainly don't want to cause a breakup. Holy shee it. I'd be so upset with myself if such a mistake were not caught! thanks, LL!

Mike_Lowery

October 12th, 2006, 06:17 PM

I always thought Dr. Laura was a douchebag anyway.
As much as people may feel "douchebag" diminishes the credibility of an argument, the use of the word in this case (describing Dr. Laura) is the only way to describe her :D. Just my $0.02, but I don't like her moralistic attitudes and perspectives on everything.
With all due respect to you, Paula - but generally, if Dr. Laura Suchabitch* says it, I'm agin' it!:p

(* name adaptation courtesy of singer Cheryl Wheeler)
Haha...the name adaptation gave me a chuckle.

Also, a toast to my first use of the multi-quote function, and for Ms. Multi-quote Function being there for me when I needed her for this post. Mabuhay!

Thank you all for your responses so far. I can't wait for more.

scrivener

October 12th, 2006, 11:28 PM

At some point, dating someone with a 'clean slate' after a certain age is suspicious....'what do you mean, you're still a virgin at forty? Wassamattah you?'
Of course you're entitled to your opinion, but there are people who, for whatever reason, are 40 (or nearing 40, as in my case) and virgins and don't have a darn thing wrong with them. It baffles me that people think that whether or not someone has had sex is a way to determine whether or not there's something wrong. My own virginity, in my opinion, is a sign that there is something right with me, and I know quite a few women who agree with me. Chastity is not a disease, whether you believe in it or not. If I go out and just have sex with the next willing partner, does that mean whatever could be wrong with me is suddenly fixed?

Yipe. A Dr. Laura reference. The woman's entitled to her opinion but the fact that so many turn to her as a voice of moral authority scares the hell out of me. Her specific views are hardly uncommon (mothers shouldn't work, extramarital sex is wrong, no one should date before age 18), but her insistence on black-and-white absolutes is ridiculous... particularly since she's basically broken all the rules she insists on promoting.
I am no fan of Laura Schlessinger, but I wonder if you think people actually turn to her as a voice of moral "authority." It seems to me that most of the people who listen to shows like hers have already made up their minds about their morals. I realize I'm going off-topic here, but it seems to me that radio hosts like Schlessinger (and even Al Franken) are not being paid to convert anyone, but to preach to the choir.
With all due respect to you, Paula - but generally, if Dr. Laura Suchabitch* says it, I'm agin' it! (* name adaptation courtesy of singer Cheryl Wheeler)
I'm a big fan of Cheryl Wheeler and of you, Leo, but do you really feel that way? You're opposed to everything Schlessinger is for?

To get this back on topic, any situation surrounding a potential partner is something to consider; I believe in taking things on case-by-case bases, and it's silly to throw a blanket policy over everything. The best answer is "it depends," and take it from there. A lot, of course, depends on you. If there's something about YOU that makes dating a single mom not quite right, well, then the question is not "should a person date a single parent?" but "should Mike Lowery date a single parent," and it's not wrong for the answer to that question to be no. Love is a personal, intimate thing, and it's idiotic and wrong for anyone to tell you how to choose the recipient of your love.

But yeah. Don't close all the doors before you get a peek at what's behind a few, ya know?

SusieMisajon

October 13th, 2006, 02:41 AM

Oops! Sorry, Scriv....I wasn't saying that everybody that hasn't married or been in a sexual relationship by a certain age has anything wrong with them....I know that there are some hidden jewels out there...you most likely being one of them... in many cases, this does happen, from habit or shyness or being too busy with sick parents or education, or waiting for the right person to come along.

Excuse me.

Leo Lakio

October 13th, 2006, 05:51 AM

My own virginity, in my opinion, is a sign that there is something right with me, and I know quite a few women who agree with me. Chastity is not a disease, whether you believe in it or not.While I'm not of the opinion that my own virginity was a "prize" (recognizing that you did not use that term, scriv) that I chose to keep or give away as a special gift, I do believe that it is entirely a matter for you to deal with as you personally wish. Outsiders may judge you on the terms of whether or not you are a virgin, or the circumstances under which you lose your virginity, though it is none of their business. If anyone fears that it will be an issue as you age, you don't have to say anything about it.

it seems to me that radio hosts like Schlessinger (and even Al Franken) are not being paid to convert anyone, but to preach to the choir.Amen to both examples.

I'm a big fan of Cheryl Wheeler and of you, Leo, but do you really feel that way? You're opposed to everything Schlessinger is for?I did purposely use the word "generally." There are many other pundits, commentators and ranters to which I could apply the same term. In order to determine whether there she has many opinions with which I agree, I would have to listen to her show more often than I do, and I have other ways in which I prefer to spend my time. (Like listening to Cheryl Wheeler CDs?)

jdub

October 13th, 2006, 09:35 AM

Another lucid discussion. It's clear that there is no categorically appropriate answer to the question Mike posed in the topic of this thread. I particularly like scriv's comment about Dr. Douchebag and Al Franken serving essentially the same master.

As someone who has pretty much always been with a girlfriend, I find myself now cast adrift in the adult world alone, wondering if such will forever be the case. I'm certain that whether a woman has children or not is not as important to me as whether or not she gets me. Hell, I'm a child at heart. And, sad as it may be, I'll always be a mama's boy. Not because I'm needy, but because that kind of unconditional acceptance helps me to accept the wierdo I've come to be in my adult life.

While copulation and the prospect of it provide the subtext for any romantic adult relationship, not all adult relationships are romantic. Can you get along with a single parent? Are you willing to accept that their child will always come first, at least until you're willing to shoulder the responsibility of someone else's child as your own?

The "single parent" stigma smacks of prejudice to me. One of my roommates is an immigrant, single mother who dances for a living. She is one of the sweetest people I've ever met. And she has a boyfriend. None of those demographical specifications matter at all to me.

Pua'i Mana'o

October 13th, 2006, 04:45 PM

What a fascinating discussion.

Having both of my parents in committed l/t relationships, I am in the camp that believes what is best for a kid is to see her parents have primary relationships that are healthy, from which said kid can latch on. It wouldn't have been fair to me if I became the center of my divorced folks' world.

Today, watching my teens start to separate from their parents' nest is both tinged with sadness AND a reminder that teaching boundaries by providing them is an accomplishment.

SouthKona

October 13th, 2006, 10:02 PM

Her specific views are hardly uncommon (mothers shouldn't work, extramarital sex is wrong, no one should date before age 18), but her insistence on black-and-white absolutes is ridiculous...

Gee, I LOUDLY agree that "extramarital sex is wrong" - at least I would not want MY spouse having extramatital sex !!:eek:

TuNnL

October 14th, 2006, 12:31 AM

My own virginity, in my opinion, is a sign that there is something right with me, and I know quite a few women who agree with me. Chastity is not a disease, whether you believe in it or not. If I go out and just have sex with the next willing partner, does that mean whatever could be wrong with me is suddenly fixed?Please allow me to give you some moral support on this one, scriv. I’m sure there are many women and fellow virgins of either sex with similar motivations who have given you encouragement. I myself am not a virgin, but as a single guy, I sure wish I could take it back. To me, it’s just a painful reminder of a failed relationship (including serious consequences related to this topic) or a mistake that didn’t seem like it would be at the time. The emotions truly haunt you if religion is an important part of your life.

I am much more careful about sex now. Maybe I’ve just grown up. But I can’t help thinking, if I had just respected the bond that God has given us between two life partners half as much as my animal instinct, I might be a better person for it. I think pre-marital sex is the real disease. Could it be harder to abstain once you’ve done it? A whole new thread for debate...

manoasurfer123

October 14th, 2006, 12:36 AM

Please allow me to give you some moral support on this one, scriv. I’m sure there are many women and fellow virgins of either sex with similar motivations who have given you encouragement. I myself am not a virgin, but as a single guy, I sure wish I could take it back. To me, it’s just a painful reminder of a failed relationship (including serious consequences related to this topic) or a mistake that didn’t seem like it would be at the time. The emotions truly haunt you if religion is an important part of your life.

I am much more careful about sex now. Maybe I’ve just grown up. But I can’t help thinking, if I had just respected the bond that God has given us between two life partners half as much as my animal instinct, I might be a better person for it. I think pre-marital sex is the real disease. Could it be harder to abstain once you’ve done it? A whole new thread for debate...
Is this the TuNnL that I know????

My god... I'm laughing so fricking hard....

YOU.... hahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahaha

i can stop laughing for a second....nope... i can't...hahahahha

In all seriousness... sheesh... no can stop laughing....

I thought it was that you couldn't get someone all this time?
I never knew you was so innocent?

I was kidding a bit when I posted this you know....

Manoa

Pua'i Mana'o

October 14th, 2006, 02:45 PM

Dude, is sex so worthless to you that you would find this funny? Or do you just lack the necessary proteins on your DNA for class and tact?

1stwahine

October 14th, 2006, 02:55 PM

Manoa, That was uncalled for.:mad:

I'm a Single Parent. When I lost my husband my children were teenagers. I mourned my late husband two years before I met a man of my choice. My children accepted him despite his downfall.:o I was lucky he didn't harm my girls and me. However, he did eventually in other ways. You know the story.

Now that I am Single again. My children's advice to me is to be more careful in choosing someone. They tell me I am more deserving to find someone who will appreciate and take care of me. I blush cause I know I no can find dat kind of person due to my personality.hahahaha

Yeah. I'm single and living on my own. I'm Independent and Strong. If it happens ~ it happens.

Who cares?:p

As long as I'm happy.

It's great to be back on HT!

Auntie Lynn

TuNnL

October 14th, 2006, 04:40 PM

SouthKona - you were right. This is a sad day. I am joining the ranks of the ignorant.

<ignore>mānoasurfer123

lavagal

October 14th, 2006, 04:46 PM

SouthKona - you were right. This is a sad day. I am joining the ranks of the ignorant.

<ignore>mānoasurfer123

TuNnL:

If I can quote myself in another thread called "ignoring other users": Same here. And if I did put the one person I'd like to ignore on my ignore list, then I'd probably wouldn't get to read much because this person has to act like a dog and mark every single thread going. So I just skip 'em. Not worth it.

I just don't get it. Just be assured no one's laughing with him. At him? Probably. But not with him.

manoasurfer123

October 14th, 2006, 07:44 PM

Dude, is sex so worthless to you that you would find this funny? Or do you just lack the necessary proteins on your DNA for class and tact?
It was a lack of class and tact. I know TuNnL from back in the days when he was pledging to a Fraternity and getting girls was a prime objective of
a lot of the Dorm Guys at the time

Manoa, That was uncalled for.:mad:

It was... my bad Auntie

<ignore>mānoasurfer123
Tunnl I'm glad you have chosen to change your ways.... I know you from our college days more than 11-12 years ago and chasing girls was part of the game.

I'm glad you have changed your ways....and with that said...sorry for posting that...

My mind was racing back to OUR partying days.:)

Hugs...

Manoa

i-hungry

October 14th, 2006, 08:05 PM

Would you? Wouldn't you?

Is she hot?

:D

Mike_Lowery

October 14th, 2006, 08:10 PM

Is she hot?

:D

Hahaha...that's immaterial in this discussion :p
At least I know. :rolleyes:

i-hungry

October 15th, 2006, 12:30 AM

Well its something to inspire you when you face those problems related to the situation. :D

I had a neighbor that was in a similar situation. She had two kids. I don't know what her personality, character or talents are but she is a looker.

SouthKona

October 15th, 2006, 02:08 AM

SouthKona - you were right. This is a sad day. I am joining the ranks of the ignorant.
<ignore>mānoasurfer123
Yes, TuNnL, since I have started utilizing the IGNORE option, I get to be free from seeing what are probably offensive and/or idiotic postings by some (well, one). Try it, everyone. "Ignore" works!

Shan-n

October 15th, 2006, 08:32 AM

I say go for it! As a single mom, I have met a few guys who did not want to get involved with me because I had a son. I didn't hold it against them because I understand how much is involved when dating a single parent. Keep in mind when dating a single parent they have a lot on their plate. I am a mommy before anything else and I want the person I am dating to understand that. I don't go out too often during the week because I have priorities and mommy stuff to do like help my son with his homework, make dinner and spend time with my son. I never introduce my son right away to anyone I am dating. My ex boyfriend was divorced and had 2 boys of his own. But I waited 7 months before introducing my son to him and his children for fear of my son getting attached to them. Our relationship ended but I am happy with how we introduced our children to each other. Most of the guys I have dated did have children of their own. I find it is easier because they understand what it is like to be a parent.

sinjin

October 17th, 2006, 05:22 AM

Of course you're entitled to your opinion, but there are people who, for whatever reason, are 40 (or nearing 40, as in my case) and virgins and don't have a darn thing wrong with them.No offense but with respect to "normal" sexuality you are hardly qualified to say there's nothing wrong with them.

It baffles me that people think that whether or not someone has had sex is a way to determine whether or not there's something wrong. My own virginity, in my opinion, is a sign that there is something right with me, and I know quite a few women who agree with me. Chastity is not a disease, whether you believe in it or not. If I go out and just have sex with the next willing partner, does that mean whatever could be wrong with me is suddenly fixed?I don't feel chastity is a virtue either. All I'll say is that it is well that middle age virgins save themselves for each other as they would likely be unsatisfying for the more experienced of us. I assume your own virginity is an extension of your religious sensibilities. I would ask what do you find rewarding about abstinence?

1stwahine

October 17th, 2006, 05:37 AM

Good morning everybody!:)

Have a nice day!

Auntie Lynn:D

beaker

October 17th, 2006, 09:24 AM

Would you? Wouldn't you?

Why or why not?

Light "dating" might work, but unless your goal is to spend a LOT of time with their kids, a single parent isn't going to have enough free time to start a really serious relationship. It's hard enough to find the time when people don't have children. You'll probably be put on hold for several years, so it depends on your level of certainty about the person.

GeckoGeek

October 18th, 2006, 08:54 AM

All I'll say is that it is well that middle age virgins save themselves for each other as they would likely be unsatisfying for the more experienced of us.
Interesting comment. Of course a 40 year old virgin probably isn't interested in a relationship just for the sex, but are you saying that you're not interested in guiding someone unexperienced in details of intimacy who is otherwise a good match?

I would ask what do you find rewarding about abstinence?
Some benefits should be obvious. No worries about STD or unwanted pregnancy which can really mess up your life. "Safe sex" mitigates risks but doesn't eliminate it.

It also prevents sex from covering up a relationship that is flawed and won't last anyway. It screens out the "player" and those who are more interested in a sex partner then a real relationship.

SusieMisajon

October 18th, 2006, 09:00 AM

Well...I DID have a story about an older French virgin that I once dated...but I think it would be best kept from here.

SusieMisajon

October 18th, 2006, 09:01 AM

Light "dating" might work, but unless your goal is to spend a LOT of time with their kids, a single parent isn't going to have enough free time to start a really serious relationship. It's hard enough to find the time when people don't have children. You'll probably be put on hold for several years, so it depends on your level of certainty about the person.

What's 'light dating'?

sinjin

October 18th, 2006, 10:15 AM

Interesting comment. Of course a 40 year old virgin probably isn't interested in a relationship just for the sex, but are you saying that you're not interested in guiding someone unexperienced in details of intimacy who is otherwise a good match?My idea of a "good match" includes the details of intimacy.
It also prevents sex from covering up a relationship that is flawed and won't last anyway. It screens out the "player" and those who are more interested in a sex partner then a real relationship.By not having sex you may be "covering up" a dealbreaker as well.

The idea that anyone will do as a sex partner if you love them is just as wrongheaded as anyone will do as a spouse if the sex is good.

Leo Lakio

October 18th, 2006, 10:15 AM

are you saying that you're not interested in guiding someone unexperienced in details of intimacy who is otherwise a good match?I would not assume that I can answer that for sinjin, but I know that for many people, there comes a point in life where you would rather not have to be responsible for teaching someone the ways of intimacy and sexuality, and would prefer a partner who is already knowledgeable at a level comparable to your own. Yet there are others who may always prefer a teacher-to-student aspect to a relationship. What you desire can also change, adapt and evolve over time.

As long as no one is harmed, or forced into something they would not choose on their own...the possibilities of variation are endless. The circumstances described earlier by scrivener certainly deserve a respectful reaction, even from those who could not fathom making a similar choice.

1stwahine

October 18th, 2006, 12:44 PM

heheheh.

Dis discusion should be taken to a Blog. Let it all hang out!:p

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Your all too kind.

I know wat you like say...but da rules and regulations prevents you from writing it.heheheh

Too funny.

Auntie Lynn:D

zatoichi

October 18th, 2006, 07:01 PM

At this point in my life, I have a mild preference for a woman with kids.

They act a bit more grounded and more mature.

I rather deal with someone who acts like an adult than someone who acts like a teenager (or worse).

TuNnL

October 18th, 2006, 10:04 PM

I wish I could stay out of this one. I really do. I’m sure whatever side of the fence (or section of the middle) you stand, a comment made by anyone in this thread that attempts to answer the question - is bound to piss someone off.

My question to you zatoichi, is how realistic is your point of view?...I have a mild preference for a woman with kids. They act a bit more grounded and more mature. I rather deal with someone who acts like an adult than someone who acts like a teenager (or worse).Excuse me? A woman with kids (plural) acts more grounded and mature since she’s an adult not someone who “acts like a teenager”?!

That’s a big jump. I would say that your statement could be true. It’s just not likely. It’s more likely if she was mature and grounded, she wouldn’t have had unprotected sex with a man/boy who didn’t promise to spend the rest of his life with her. Than did it again after having a kid.

I acknowledge there are other scenarios. Husband died, was convicted of a serious felony, or was abusive. Think DHS has any stats on this? I could be wrong. But I would be surprised if a woman seeking a relationship fits any one of these scenarios more frequently than the first one I outlined.

*TuNnL dons his armor, and raises his shield *

TuNnL

October 18th, 2006, 10:10 PM

post deleted

sinjin

October 19th, 2006, 05:33 AM

GeckoGeek

October 21st, 2006, 02:35 PM

My idea of a "good match" includes the details of intimacy.
By not having sex you may be "covering up" a dealbreaker as well.

Maybe. I guess I'm not experienced enough to know. What would it be that talking about expectations before hand wouldn't uncover and normal difference resolution skills be able to deal with afterward?

But I think that's all the tip of the iceberg. Any 40yo who is a virgin is a virgin for a reason. If they are dating someone "experienced", then there is bigger differences between them then the status of virgin.

My point was, all potential partners will have flaws of one kind or another. Is the lack of experience really a fatal flaw that can't be worked though if everything else is there?

GeckoGeek

October 21st, 2006, 02:41 PM

My question to you zatoichi, is how realistic is your point of view?Excuse me? A woman with kids (plural) acts more grounded and mature since she’s an adult not someone who “acts like a teenager”?!

I was going to say something, but then noticed you said "kids (plural)". So, never mind. :D

Had it been kid (singular) then I would have suggested that sometimes having a kid does cause the wild ones to settle down and learn responsibility.

Karen

October 22nd, 2006, 12:34 AM

Sure I would, but I would expect to be on the back burner, and not let it hurt my feelings or ego. Also, if I dated a single father and saw that I was not on the back burner, but that he was putting me ahead of his child or children, I wouldn't respect this about him.

If parenthood is done properly, the kids will always come first, especially when young. I also would suggest that no man date me if he expected to be FIRST in my life. I have two fantastic daughters and I mean it when I tell them that I am and will be truly there for them.

kumukulanui

October 22nd, 2006, 04:12 AM

I was a single dad and my daughter is now 25. When she was younger she had priority in my life in all ways. As she got older that changed, but it would be too simple to say that a partner took priority. It was more like letting a partner influence more things as my daughter got older. But if it comes to 'the crunch', daughter still gets priority.

Peter Forster

Senora

October 23rd, 2006, 08:38 AM

My mom was a single mom and she never, ever got into another relationship after my father. She is a beautiful, successful, hard-working woman who put me as her #1 priority while I was growing up. I know that lots of kids suffer because their single parent gets involved with another person. The kids get to know and spend lots of time with them together... and maybe it (the relationship) doesn't work out. The kids feel rejected and confused, too. Luckily, I was fortunate and never had to experience that.

Smudge

October 24th, 2006, 06:38 AM

Interesting discussion and while I agree that some children do suffer when their single parent becomes involved with a new partner, there is another side to the coin and some actually benefit.

I divorced my 1st husband when my daughters were 8 and 10. Although he was never physically violent he had the most horrendous temper and would lash out verbally if they did something he didn't like, calling them everything under the sun and generally making them feel worthless. I got the same treatment. A very unhealthy and damaging atmosphere for anyone to be brought up in.

A couple of years later I met the sweet, even-tempered and gentle man who has now been my husband for 10 years. Although initially they were not particularly overjoyed at me becoming involved with someone else, they would say now that they wouldn't have had it any other way.

I remember vivdly one of the first times we went out together for something to eat with the kids, the youngest knocked over a glass of water on the table. The look of terror on her face as she glanced towards my new partner, fully expecting an explosive outburst of anger (in her very limited experience that's what adult men did) was painful to witness. He of course laughed it off as an accident and told her that the table needed a clean anyway. That was it, she had a new hero.

They have now both had the benefit of 10 years with a loving father figure, something they hadn't had before and also the joy of living in a stable and loving family and it has been the making of them. They have both turned out to be decent, respectful and successful young adults who now have happy as well as sad memories of their formative years.

I am not for a moment suggesting that single parents can't devote themselves only to their children and not have a good outcome, of course they can, but from my own perspective I think it is worth remembering that a new stepdad or mum can be a positive and beneficial thing and not always necessarily negative. I think that this is especially true for children who have had a damaging relationship with the absent parent.

I wish the original poster well and hope that any prospective new partners children will benefit from having him around, as my own did with their stepdad.

Regards, Smudge

Shan-n

October 26th, 2006, 01:49 PM

I am not for a moment suggesting that single parents can't devote themselves only to their children and not have a good outcome, of course they can, but from my own perspective I think it is worth remembering that a new stepdad or mum can be a positive and beneficial thing and not always necessarily negative. I think that this is especially true for children who have had a damaging relationship with the absent parent.

I totally agree with you. I would like more than anything to find a great guy who would be a positive male role model for my 9 yr old son. My son is extremely close with his grandfather (my dad) and I have other male friends and neighbors and they are great with my son. But it just isn't the same. I wish we had someone who would go to cub scout meetings with us, someone who would play football and baseball with us, someone who would take my son under their wing and be a good father to him. Things like that. My son loves his father very much but his dad longer lives here in Hawaii. His father just doesn't make enough of an effort to be a good dad. Like not calling to talk to his son but every few weeks and for just a few minutes. If I didn't live with my son I would try to call him every single day to see how his day was and to just try to be a part of his life!!

I am very cautious of what kind of guys I go out with and have had only one serious relationship in the last 7 years. When that relationship ended I could see that it did affect my son. I was young when I had my son so I felt that I needed to be a mommy before I should be anyones girlfriend. But I feel like I am at a point in my life where I can be a good mommy and a good girlfriend (or wife :) ) Everyone tells me that I will find someone when I least expect it!! Guess I need to relax and stop expecting it!! LOL

Debwhosmiles

October 29th, 2006, 04:36 AM

This has been a great Thread. Lots of good responses and ideas flowing. Sometimes we read for information, sometimes for entertainment, sometimes for necessity... this thread has had some of all.

Like so many others, I am also a single parent. I knew long before my divorce that if my marriage were ever to end I would not date for 2 years. A person needs time to adjust to new circumstances, to come back into balance (though many deny being out of balance) before moving forward. I also knew that once I started dating I did not want my sons to experience the relationship initial up and downs with me so I would not expose/introduce them to anyone I was dating until we had been together at least 3 months. I think it has worked, my sons are now 25 and 18 and have had a steady life because I have made decisions to make it so.

On dating a single parent... Goals? Short-term, Long-term, up in the air? Is the single parent ready to date? Do they seem responsible (if that is a concern for you, if it's all for fun responsibility doesn't seem to matter to some people...)? Are your expectations the same (never too early to talk about that...)? When you meet the child/children are they able to fit into your life? What do you want and would the relationship fulfill most of those desires? Best of Wishes to you. I think the most interesting thing is that you even thought of the question, even better that you've asked yourself and others for possible answers.

*pinao*

October 29th, 2006, 06:38 AM

Hey.. Im a child of a single parent..
and well just from my personal POV... well my mom hasnt dated any guys for ages.. and when she did.. I didnt like it.. I dont know why.. its not that I dont want my mom to be happy.. it just felt weird.. cuz it had been so long just us.. (my sisters had moved out already to study etc).. I was sort of jealous, I felt like wasnt I enough? but yeah Ive grown out of that phase... but dating a single parent might be hard on the kid so if the kid is mean towards you.. dont take it personally..

speedtek

November 1st, 2006, 11:03 AM

My mom was a single parent. She was always out dating and never home or she would bring the bums home. Some I liked and some I didnt. The thing that made me mad the most is she would not ask/tell me or my lil sis what was going on. It is important to sit down with the kids to tell them what your plans are, especially if the parent is getting married or someone is moving in. a lot of the guys were weird & strange. It made me feel uncomfortable, my sis locked herself in her room most of the time. I hated it when my mom put us kids as 2nd class citizens to her BF.

When I dated a single parent, I asked her about her kid/s first and I made sure the kids were OK before we went out or it was bye for me.

My dad on the other hand did what he wanted, because of that I never got really close to him. All I do is bitch about him and abuse what he has.
(married 3 times)

So parents take care of your kids first! If you are dating someone with kids make sure thier feelings are covered. I feel when you are dating someone you also have to deal with everyone around them wether you like it or not!!

craigwatanabe

November 1st, 2006, 04:05 PM

Yep it's a package deal when courting single parents. You must accept the children as well as the person you want to date. For me dates were to Chucky Cheese, Ala Moana Food court, and other family friendly places.

Gaining the respect from the kids is very important but you don't do it by showering them with kiddie gifts, that really doesn't help the parent deal with her kids when it comes to discipline.

You start by respecting the parent and the kids will follow suit.

oceanpacific

November 1st, 2006, 04:47 PM

Let me expound on what I wrote earlier in post #3.

I had serious intentions from the start for the relationship. As others have stated, it is a "package" deal. We both had young daughters in tow. Her daughter spent Friday nights with her dad, so that was our "date" night. My daughter came over on Saturdays, so that night was for "family" outings. These included Chucky Cheese, the state farm fair, 50th State Fair, picnics, neighbor island treks.

The girls have remained close over the decades and both have graduated from college and are now gainfully-employed tax-payers. My blended family has been blessed with two more children, another daughter and a son, and all four kids are as close as anyone could have hoped for.

We've been together for 21 years .........