Meeting people isn't easy

[genepark]

I've lived in Hawaii for just about a year now. Most of it was spent with my ex, but we've recently had a very harsh breakup that I'm desperately trying to get over.

I've made some friends here, but I do want to meet more people, especially people outside the journalism industry. I'm 26, but I think I'm over the whole "meeting girls at clubs" thing. My last several girlfriends were all met at clubs, and none of them, including my ex, have turned out for the better.

So where do you guys recommend a young professional like me to go and meet other young professionals who are financially and emotionally stable? :P

Any advice too? Because I've actually found it quite difficult to meet people here in Hawaii. Sure there is a lot of aloha, but in terms of trying to get to know someone better, there seems to be a wall. A lot of times, people go out in groups, and they don't want that group dynamic to be disturbed by an outsider. That's what I've discovered anyway.

[GypsyLika]

Church maybe. The gym. Bookstore or take a class of something you're interested in or the produce section of the supermarket. :D Maybe your friends or coworkers will introduce you to someone. In the mean time, enjoy yourself.

[1stwahine]

Ok Gene, you want the dating scene? Fear no moa!heheheh

Seriously, First Friday October is just around dee corner. Lots of action and lots of "interesting" people to meet in Chinatown. No, not the "Silent Community.":eek: The exciting, liberated, young and vibrant professionals who seek each other. Yeah, people just like you!;)

Komo mai. No be shy!

Auntie Lynn

P.S. When my son comes back from CA., I'll ask him to take you night clubbing! He knows where the action is!

K-den. I re-read your post. So sorry. You said you don't want the club scene no moa. Aiyah! My mind no can regista like before. Hmmmm...but den again, it's where people congregate. The saying goes and it's true.

"When you stop looking ~ das when the love of your life is going to come."

I know it works. It happened to me.

[Vanguard]

Church maybe.

That's good, but unless you're already in an established religious group that's set stakes in Hawaii, I think you will have a lot of cults trying to recruit you. Just pay close attention to any social situation and I think you'll be fine. :)

[genepark]

Ok Gene, you want the dating scene? Fear no moa!heheheh

Seriously, First Friday October is just around dee corner. Lots of action and lots of "interesting" people to meet in Chinatown. No, not the "Silent Community.":eek: The exciting, liberated, young and vibrant professionals who seek each other. Yeah, people just like you!;)

Komo mai. No be shy!

Auntie Lynn

P.S. When my son comes back from CA., I'll ask him to take you night clubbing! He knows where the action is!

K-den. I re-read your post. So sorry. You said you don't want the club scene no moa. Aiyah! My mind no can regista like before. Hmmmm...but den again, it's where people congregate. The saying goes and it's true.

"When you stop looking ~ das when the love of your life is going to come."

I know it works. It happened to me.

I actually went to First Friday. It was actually very crowded, but I think it was more of the Friday club scene and less the First Friday scene. I saw some promise in the First Friday scene. It got interrupted when I ran into my editor in chief, and I ended up rapping with him instead. :P I'll give it another shot in October.

When I stop looking huh? It'll take some time for me to be that relaxed again but I know what you mean.

Yeah I've heard the church suggestion before. I'm Koreano, and other Koreans have recommended to me that I attend church, meet a good Korean girl and go from there. However I'm very much an agnostic, and I think it would be disingenuous of me to attend church when I don't believe in anything fully. It's the whole reason why I stopped being a practicing Catholic in the first place.

I've been considering going to UH for a few classes, so maybe this might motivate me to finally do so.

It's hard for a tourist such as myself to meet people, and I guess I'm being pretty impatient right now.

1stwahine where is your son in Cali? I lived there for about four years during school.

[Pomai]

Yeah I've heard the church suggestion before. I'm Koreano, and other Koreans have recommended to me that I attend church, meet a good Korean girl and go from there. However I'm very much an agnostic, and I think it would be disingenuous of me to attend church when I don't believe in anything fully.OK then, with that, let's try Plan "B" (or "C" or whatever it is): Dress nice and hit the produce section at Don Quijote Kaheka, followed by a stroll through Palama Market next door. Both "Target Rich Environments" of said "pursuAsians" and then some! ;)

Just make sure you're also there to genuinely buy something. At least some apples & oranges. lol

[tutusue]

Hmmm...what about those free financial/investment seminars? No, you don't wanna get hooked into buying the course...or anything else...but you can check out the attendees. If anyone looks interesting and interested, there's usually a break. Strike up a conversation! At the very least, you might learn something!!!

Participating in activities that you enjoy will expose you to others who also enjoy the same activities.

All that said...Auntie's correct. The right one tends to come along when you stop looking and least expect it! ;) At your age, you have plenty of time!

[1stwahine]

1stwahine where is your son in Cali? I lived there for about four years during school.

My son is in the hot dessert training with the Stryker Brigade. They'll be retuning in October den be heading to Iraq in December.

1stwahine

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Find charitable work that is worth your time.

Try the Jaycees.

[infinitypro]

Don't try so hard, it steals the spontaneity, the magic if you will of it all. Things will happen, transpire on its own...it's one of the wonderful things in life. I agree, you should volunteer your time doing something you love, something different from the Journalism industry...not to "look" for someone but to fill up your basket of 'treasures' so that in turn you too can reap.

Give sincerity, and in return you will get sincerity. Go "looking" and you'll get someone who's just "looking" too.

For starters and ideas try here (http://www.hawaiithreads.com).

And, I don't know if they're available, but there seems to be a lot of emotionally stable, independent women on this forum. :D

[MixedPlateBroker]

If you're not into attending AAJA (http://www.aaja.org/) or SPJ (http://www.spj.org/) meetings, you might also check out the Hawaii Korean Chamber of Commerce (http://www.hkccweb.org/en/hkccmission.html).

[anapuni808]

"It's hard for a tourist such as myself to meet people, and I guess I'm being pretty impatient right now"

If you think of yourself as a "tourist", or not here to stay - I think that comes across to others. Especially females - why would we want to put our heart out there for someone who is just going to leave? The suggestions you've been getting are good ones, especially for someone not into the club scene.

I have a friend here who is very frustrated that he can't seem to meet women to get involved with - it's partly the fact that he doesn't want to spend $$$ on them because he thinks they are just after a good time. It's also that he tries too hard, too quickly to start a "relationship" instead of just making friends.

Find an activity or cause that you have a passion for & get involved - you'll meet other like minded people that you can make friends with. You're a young professional - it's called networking :D

and of course, keep HT posted on your progress..........we're very nosy on here ;)

[scrivener]

Your idea about taking classes makes a LOT of sense -- the pool in college is certainly better stocked than the professional world, for most of us. You'll find lots of nice people around your age, especially if you take graduate-level courses. I was severely disappointed in myself while working on my M.Ed. for being so OLD for my many beautiful classmates.

Most were between 24 and 27.

Our AbsolutChaos used to run a social group for newcomers to Hawaii. I don't know if she still does that, but perhaps there's something similar?

[MatildaRose]

Find charitable work that is worth your time.

Try the Jaycees.


Good idea. Our public libraries are always looking for volunteers, too.

[AbsolutChaos]

Our AbsolutChaos used to run a social group for newcomers to Hawaii. I don't know if she still does that, but perhaps there's something similar?

I've stopped posting the weekly events on my group, though the group is still open and sees the occasional post.

Have you looked into these groups? They tend to have interesting get-togethers...

http://www.meetin.org/city/MEETinHONOLULU/
http://www.globalpauhana.com/Oahu.254.0.html

[cynsaligia]

the original post repeats a theme i've heard many times over the last several years. many of my guy friends have been trying to meet women but are having a hard time. they're great guys! they're fun, smart, good-looking, have great jobs--salt of the earth type of people.

so what happens?

often, they'll ask a girl out to a movie or coffee or dinner, and they'll be refused with the refrain, "oh, i don't want a boyfriend right now." um, duh? he's not asking you to be his girlfriend! he just wants to get to know you! on the other hand, too often, if one of my guy friends goes on more than two dates with a woman, the woman assumes they're "boyfriend-girlfriend" and starts making plans to move in shortly thereafter. desperately seeking husband, much? eeeeesh!!

i'm sure some of you think i jest, but it's true! i find it entirely sad. not very many women know how to date. when i was single, i tried to date at least three men at a time, but many women balk at that idea because it supposedly makes them look sluttish. hey, i'm just an expert shopper, i told them. besides, "dating" does not mean "sleeping with."

a lot of women who don't date sure know how to get into relationships, tho. my observation is that it's not unusual for women to be swept off their feet by someone who's less than they deserve. many women i know are in long term relationships with scrubs of one sort or another (they're married to someone else; they don't have a good job and have no interest in making themselves financially stable--and notice i didn't say wealthy, i said stable; they have four kids by three other women and are lax in paying child support or even seeing their kids; they're abusive, etc).

i just wish i had an answer for the original poster and my friends. everytime i hear a woman bemoan the lack of good, available guys, i want to smack her, because they're EVERYWHERE.

[1stwahine]

everytime i hear a woman bemoan the lack of good, available guys, i want to smack her, because they're EVERYWHERE.

heheheh...

I just want to add.:D

There are certain techniques to use when "meeting" people. Often times when I go out I see the same mistakes being made. K-den. It's my own personal observation. I love when I see others Dress Classy not Trashy. Ainokea if they have a body dat is a 10! Tits or Azz dat is to die foa. Class is Class.

Your walk, entering a place... eyes must be focused. Everything about YOU is unique. Ones aura is different from the set go. Your stance, the way you talk ~ captures everyone's attention. Think I'm joking? I invite you to come and watch me in action.

It doesn't take $$$ or status to meet people. All it takes is Love and Aloha. Yeah. Simple as dat. A willingness to be open yet careful.

Get ukapila people out there. But there are plenny kooks too. So you gotta be careful.

Good luck

1stwahine

[infinitypro]

the original post repeats a theme i've heard many times over the last several years. many of my guy friends have been trying to meet women but are having a hard time. they're great guys! they're fun, smart, good-looking, have great jobs--salt of the earth type of people.

so what happens?

often, they'll ask a girl out to a movie or coffee or dinner, and they'll be refused with the refrain, "oh, i don't want a boyfriend right now." um, duh? he's not asking you to be his girlfriend! he just wants to get to know you! on the other hand, too often, if one of my guy friends goes on more than two dates with a woman, the woman assumes they're "boyfriend-girlfriend" and starts making plans to move in shortly thereafter. desperately seeking husband, much? eeeeesh!!

i'm sure some of you think i jest, but it's true! i find it entirely sad. not very many women know how to date. when i was single, i tried to date at least three men at a time, but many women balk at that idea because it supposedly makes them look sluttish. hey, i'm just an expert shopper, i told them. besides, "dating" does not mean "sleeping with."

a lot of women who don't date sure know how to get into relationships, tho. my observation is that it's not unusual for women to be swept off their feet by someone who's less than they deserve. many women i know are in long term relationships with scrubs of one sort or another (they're married to someone else; they don't have a good job and have no interest in making themselves financially stable--and notice i didn't say wealthy, i said stable; they have four kids by three other women and are lax in paying child support or even seeing their kids; they're abusive, etc).

i just wish i had an answer for the original poster and my friends. everytime i hear a woman bemoan the lack of good, available guys, i want to smack her, because they're EVERYWHERE.

I agree, but I wouldn't classify just women, but people in general really don't know how to 'date.' I've observed a backwards process in relationships: sex, live together, child, friendship. I've experienced the 'tag and brand' after one date or even one conversation which is why I've always been upfront and made it very clear that I'm not 'exclusive' and the other person had that option as well.

There are plenty of good, available guys everywhere as there are women.

I re-read the original post that started this thread, Gene are you completely 'over' your last relationship or are you using this as a means to help you 'get over'? Just wondering.

[genepark]

If you think of yourself as a "tourist", or not here to stay - I think that comes across to others. Especially females - why would we want to put our heart out there for someone who is just going to leave? The suggestions you've been getting are good ones, especially for someone not into the club scene.


Oh no, I only said tourist because I just moved here and I'm still trying to familiarize myself with things. I have pretty definite intentions of staying for quite some time. I don't see myself being here forever, but my stay here is very indefinite.

I'm not over my last relationship no. I actually moved here to be with her (no I didn't meet her online), and she left me or I left her. You forget what really happened.

Anyway I completely know that using another relationship to get over the last one only leads to trouble. I just want a good time that will help get my mind off things. If it leads to something serious, all the better.

ericncyn, I'm pretty much in the same boat as your guy friends. I don't know what's the problem, but some girls really like to second-guess my intentions. At this point, there are no expectations, at least on my end apparently.

[salmoned]

I'm not over my last relationship no. I actually moved here to be with her (no I didn't meet her online), and she left me or I left her. You forget what really happened.


If you forget what really happened, you may repeat it. Personally, I try never to forget. Forgive - yes, forget - no. [Years ago, I came back from a few months on an outer island taking care of family affairs to find my place covered in insecticide powder - she needed to get rid of the ICE-bugs! Out she went, without delay or reprieve.]

[Frankie's Market]

I have a friend here who is very frustrated that he can't seem to meet women to get involved with - it's partly the fact that he doesn't want to spend $$$ on them because he thinks they are just after a good time. It's also that he tries too hard, too quickly to start a "relationship" instead of just making friends.

As Diana Ross sang, "You can't hurry love." Absolutely right.

The money issue is a little more complex. I mean, sure. Any woman who expects to be taken to John Dominis on a first date and expects to be showered with jewelry, that would be a red flag. No matter how lonely you get, you don't want someone who's only interested in your money. But OTOH, you don't want to be a miser, either. I know this guy who's very successful in real estate, but blows almost every date he's been on because he will actually taken them to Jack In A Box. For him, going to Zippy's would be an extravagance! I mean, c'mon! :eek:

[1stwahine]

I know this guy who's very successful in real estate, but blows almost every date he's been on because he will actually taken them to Jack In A Box. For him, going to Zippy's would be an extravagance! I mean, c'mon!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Dat is sooo FUNNY!:p

And may I add...neva, eva touch your date's Steak on your first DATE!;)
(True Story on the archives somewhere):)

Auntie Lynn

[anapuni808]

The guy I'm talking about actually went to La Mariana with a group of us a few months ago. Never even bought me a drink - and he had been trying to get me to go out with him for months! the dude is just cheap I think - I've had several conversations with him about it. you know, trying to give him advice on how to deal with women? it seems to go right over his head. The guy has a good job, owns a home, is intelligent and nice looking. But - just doesn't know how to talk to women.

ok Gene - back to YOUR problems now.....................:o

[1stwahine]

The guy I'm talking about actually went to La Mariana with a group of us a few months ago. Never even bought me a drink - and he had been trying to get me to go out with him for months! the dude is just cheap I think...

Wat? Why dat...grrrrrr. :mad: You should have told me! I would have WHACK WHACK UM!! :rolleyes: Neba mind if he good looking! :p

You deserve betta!

Lynn

[Leo Lakio]

I'm not over my last relationship no. I actually moved here to be with her (no I didn't meet her online), and she left me or I left her. You forget what really happened. You only forget what you find convenient to forget. Maybe that's what's holding you back from getting over it.

You won't be able to move forward as long as you are still looking backwards. Spend some time healing, figure out what part of the relationship ending was your responsibility, and resolve that. You'll find it will clear your mind to help you with where you want to go in your next relationships.

[1stwahine]

You only forget what you find convenient to forget. Maybe that's what's holding you back from getting over it.

You won't be able to move forward as long as you are still looking backwards. Spend some time healing, figure out what part of the relationship ending was your responsibility, and resolve that. You'll find it will clear your mind to help you with where you want to go in your next relationships.

I remember these wise words.;)

It once was told to me.

Mahalo

Auntie Lynn

[tutusue]

[...]I know this guy who's very successful in real estate, but blows almost every date he's been on because he will actually taken them to Jack In A Box. For him, going to Zippy's would be an extravagance! I mean, c'mon! :eek:
<teehee!> After my ex and I split mega moons ago I was asked out by a guy in radio (iirc!). Why not, I figured, so I said yes. He asked me to meet him...at Sizzlers in Kalihi! :D

Need I say more?!!!

Fancy restaurants don't impress me but creativity does. I found nothing creative about meeting at Sizzlers!

[cynsaligia]

You only forget what you find convenient to forget. Maybe that's what's holding you back from getting over it.

You won't be able to move forward as long as you are still looking backwards. Spend some time healing, figure out what part of the relationship ending was your responsibility, and resolve that. You'll find it will clear your mind to help you with where you want to go in your next relationships.

*shrug*

for me, the post break up healing/figuring out what was my responsibility/resolving/discovering where i want to go in next relationships were concurrent with my dating. i jumped right into the dating pool and that seemed to work for me just fine. eric did the same thing after his break ups. we found each other when we were in dating mode, and in our own way, we kicked and screamed and fought against going into the relationship beyond. somehow we ended up there together, despite our best efforts. :D

i guess a lot of people have difficulty, after a break up, in staying on the dating side of things instead of jumping back prematurely into relationship territory. not all of us do.

[infinitypro]

You only forget what you find convenient to forget. Maybe that's what's holding you back from getting over it.

You won't be able to move forward as long as you are still looking backwards. Spend some time healing, figure out what part of the relationship ending was your responsibility, and resolve that. You'll find it will clear your mind to help you with where you want to go in your next relationships.

So true, so true.

[Miulang]

You might want to try joining Global Pau Hana (http://www.globalpauhana.org/Downtown.293.0.html). They have chapters on Oahu. They sponsor lots of activities where you can meet people in a casual, non-dating situation. Most of the members seem to be in the 20-30ish age group, which sounds perfect for your situation.

Miulang

[cynsaligia]

i'll state the obvious.

i know people, myself included, who have gone out with people met via match.com, eharmony.com, myspace.com, etc. you could try that. my own dating experiences via those sites were mostly enjoyable but at the very least, they were always educational.

i'll say this, though--i don't know anyone, myself included, who gained a lasting long term relationship from any of those sites. which might be the perfect thing for you. some people think dating online is scary. it's not if you use common sense and keep your wits, including your gut sense, about you at all times.

[anapuni808]

I have friends in So Calif who met in an AOL chat room - they have been happily married for 10 years now! and for myself, back in the late 90's, I met several very nice gentlemen via the net. and they still remain friends. One of them was so hot the receptionist where I worked nicknamed him "Stud Muffin".

oh dear, I guess I don't need to go there - TMI!

[nikki]

I'm so glad I'm married. I never want to be 'out there' again.

[AbsolutChaos]

i'll say this, though--i don't know anyone, myself included, who gained a lasting long term relationship from any of those sites.


Guess I'm one of the exceptions--dating online worked for me. I've been with my boyfriend four years now. It's a great way to meet people, as long as you practice the proper precautions. Know there's another thread about that on this message board somewhere.

[Miulang]

Guess I'm one of the exceptions--dating online worked for me. I've been with my boyfriend four years now. It's a great way to meet people, as long as you practice the proper precautions. Know there's another thread about that on this message board somewhere.

10 years for me, and still going strong!:D

Miulang

[Karen]

Online dating seems to be working very well for oh so many people. My daughter is dating a precious guy that she met online and yet he lives not ten minutes from us, one of my first cousins is happily married to a man she met online, my sister almost married a wonderful fella that she met online a couple of years after she was widowed and a very close friend from Jr. High and High school has been with her guy six years, and they met online, and say they'll be together forever.

Agreed that if a person is wise, cautious, intuitive and discerning that excellent relationships can be formed online. I suspect that people maybe even get to know each other's thoughts and inner-souls better in ways, cuz many of us find it easier to be open about some types of things with people we feel anonymous with. I suspect that people open up and share a lot before they even have a clue they may meet in person some day and then find that they have shared more things with that person than they would have in an office or class setting.

When I first got online I was shocked that people actually meet from the net. It then dawned on me that Ted Bundy didn't meet his victims online and that a person can be just as deceiving in person, so again it's that discernment, etc. that is a person's protection online or 3D.

dang, it's late...ramble ramble, sorry. :D

[Pomai]

Online dating seems to be working very well for oh so many people. My daughter is dating a precious guy that she met online and yet he lives not ten minutes from us, one of my first cousins is happily married to a man she met online, my sister almost married a wonderful fella that she met online a couple of years after she was widowed and a very close friend from Jr. High and High school has been with her guy six years, and they met online, and say they'll be together forever.

Agreed that if a person is wise, cautious, intuitive and discerning that excellent relationships can be formed online. I suspect that people maybe even get to know each other's thoughts and inner-souls better in ways, cuz many of us find it easier to be open about some types of things with people we feel anonymous with. I suspect that people open up and share a lot before they even have a clue they may meet in person some day and then find that they have shared more things with that person than they would have in an office or class setting.

When I first got online I was shocked that people actually meet from the net. It then dawned on me that Ted Bundy didn't meet his victims online and that a person can be just as deceiving in person, so again it's that discernment, etc. that is a person's protection online or 3D.

dang, it's late...ramble ramble, sorry. :DReading the What are you really like? (http://www.hawaiithreads.com/showthread.php?t=13687) thread just under this one could be useful here, providing folks are honest in their self-profile. That's really what it boils down to. Being honest.

Whether you meet online, in a grocery store, nightclub, school, church, wherever. Just be honest.

[Tiabla]

Guess I'm one of the exceptions--dating online worked for me. I've been with my boyfriend four years now. It's a great way to meet people, as long as you practice the proper precautions. Know there's another thread about that on this message board somewhere.

Me too. I met my husband via a dating website in 2003 and we were married last year.

I guess it depends on what kind of circles one runs in, because at least half of the married couples I know met online!

[cynsaligia]

don't get me wrong. many of my real life closest friendships were gained and continue to be maintained online. i meant no one i know garnered lasting, long term relationships specifically from match, myspace, and eharmony.

oh wait. i just realized i lied, sorta. my boss' sister, whom i never met, married someone she met via match. they've now been married two years.

anyway, the point is, most of us can agree that gene might find some success meeting people via online communities/dating websites, whether he would like to just meet people generally, or meet women to date and with whom he might eventually decide to have a more permanent relationship.

[Leo Lakio]

anyway, the point is, most of us can agree that gene might find some success meeting people via online communities/dating websites, whether he would like to just meet people generally, or meet women to date and with whom he might eventually decide to have a more permanent relationship.Yes, why not? He asked for ideas of ways to meet people - he didn't ask for anything deeper than that. There are a LOT of good ideas here, and since everyone's going to be into different things, no sense discounting any of them in advance.

Well, except maybe prison. I wouldn't recommend that he try to connect up with incarcerated women, I suppose. Though I'm sure someone could come up with a success story in that circumstance.

[1stwahine]

(Sigh)

In Post #3, I wrote "When you stop looking ~ das when the love of your life is going to come."

K-den. Dis how it was foa me.

I went back to my seat on the bar. Look to my right, den my left. I saw a good looking gentleman whom I never saw before.:confused:

As I gazed into his eyes I said "Wat wind blew you in?":D

Dat was February 17th 2007.:p

HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Auntie Lynn

[Leo Lakio]

As I gazed into his eyes I said "Wat wind blew you in?":D Auntie Lynn - Queen of the Pick-up Line. I bow to you.

[1stwahine]

Auntie Lynn - Queen of the Pick-up Line. I bow to you.

http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f358/1stwahine/auntiepupulelaffs.gif

[Karen]

Pomai, you nailed it.

Oh wow, you too, Tiabla? Very cool, and Auntie, LOL you rocked it, not a surprise to me.

[cynsaligia]

bumping this thread bcs (1) wondering how gene is doing with meeting people and (2) eric and i were at varsity w/some friends and a certain "duh" moment came up that might be helpful, which is:

girls of certain ethnicities are, as eric puts it, "hardwired" for the nonchalant, hard-to-get, passive approach.

for example, our friend "sam" (who is pake-flip, lived most of his life on guam but went to a Pac 5 school & UH) has an admiration for a smart & sweet coworker who has a strawberries & cream complexion, dark, dark eyes and long hair, and rosebud lips. if she cut/styled her hair a certain way and put on a kimono, she'd look like rather like a hinamatsuri doll. add the fact that she absolutely loves sports and you can understand why sam is smitten.

the thing is, any time that sam pays attention to her, she balks. but once he gives up, she seeks him out. if it wasn't for the fact that sam and the doll have worked together for years and he knows she's not purposely playing a game, he'd have given up a long time ago.

eric (who is mostly japanese) revealed that many japanese girls don't go for the direct approach. if there's a chance they find a man attractive, they'll send out subtle signals, like touching your arm or hanging around you more than you think would be normal, and so on. the trick is to be rather nonchalant and more terse. think "samurai" if that helps. if she comes up to you to talk, grunt and answer as briefly yet accurately as possible, but use subtle physical cues to show attention. for example:

her: so what did you think of the game last night?
him: eh. *shrugs, but makes sure to turn body towards her*

you might laugh, but eric swears this kind of behavior drives girls like that crazy. to tell the truth, it drives me crazy, but not in a favorable way, since i'm pinay. but i went to a school with a lot of japanese girls and they all seemed to go more for the strong, silent type who weren't very demonstrative.

some people would consider this part of the whole japanese "passive-aggressive" personality, but calling it that shows a certain lack of understanding of the culture. americans are "low context" in the sense that language is used to express thoughts and feelings as clearly as possible. low context cultures are more "say what you mean, mean what you say." high context cultures, like japanese culture, rely more on subtle, usually non-verbal cues to convey meaning, save face and maintain group harmony. in a business setting, for example, an american who proposes an idea that is fatally flawed will never hear it from his/her japanese team members bcs they simply will not embarrass him by saying it.* since most of us on HT are more americanized, high context cultures seem passive aggressive. but to those in high context cultures, americans seem uncouth and brash.

so i guess in the same way, a man courting a woman with more traditional japanese sensibilities in a more overt style will seem as if he's embarrassingly fawning all over her.

anyway...hope that helps.








*a lot of this is taken from Communicating at Work: Principles and Practices for Business & the Professions, Adler & Elmhorst 2008.

[lavagal]

Last night our company hosted a post-show party for the cast of the Gridiron, and Gene was one of those who came. I like Gene. He's a GREAT GUY. And I have a young, single colleague who I introduced him to last night, who might be interesting for him to book a pau hana encounter with some time soon.

I haven't met everyone here on HT, and I know there are some single guys on HT who would be wonderful boyfriends and eventual spouses.

[Menehune Man]

I think a Great way to meet people is to be helpful.

See someone who could use a hand? Do it!
They may become a friend. Who knows where it'll lead from there,
but it's a good start. And they might even have a sister. HaHa!
Or a friend of your 'new' friend just might be the one.
You never know... ;)

[Pomai]

Last night our company hosted a post-show party for the cast of the Gridiron, and Gene was one of those who came. I like Gene. He's a GREAT GUY. And I have a young, single colleague who I introduced him to last night, who might be interesting for him to book a pau hana encounter with some time soon.

Wow, you actually got to meet him? Cool! Hopefully things might work out between those two.

I haven't met everyone here on HT, and I know there are some single guys on HT who would be wonderful boyfriends and eventual spouses.Especially those who like to shop at Costco and/or Sam's Club (http://www.hawaiithreads.com/showpost.php?p=172858&postcount=1). ;)

[genepark]

Last night our company hosted a post-show party for the cast of the Gridiron, and Gene was one of those who came. I like Gene. He's a GREAT GUY. And I have a young, single colleague who I introduced him to last night, who might be interesting for him to book a pau hana encounter with some time soon.

I haven't met everyone here on HT, and I know there are some single guys on HT who would be wonderful boyfriends and eventual spouses.

You did? lol Which one was it?

Thanks. I'm glad I left a good impression with such wonderful hosts and hostesses. I look forward to the next party. Next time I'll dress Italian, not Cockney punk. :P

[jdub]

Last night our company hosted a post-show party for the cast of the Gridiron, and Gene was one of those who came. I like Gene. He's a GREAT GUY. And I have a young, single colleague who I introduced him to last night, who might be interesting for him to book a pau hana encounter with some time soon.

I haven't met everyone here on HT, and I know there are some single guys on HT who would be wonderful boyfriends and eventual spouses.
I was downstairs in the wake of that party, LG. Ran into one of your colleagues, who was one of my clients at DM before he moved over to you all. He's still a client.

At any rate, I was at the bar that night, a First Friday, something I avoid like the plague as a matter of policy. But a housemate on staff was suffering a savage ague, so I wanted to make sure she was OK. The place was packed, and I watched in quiet fascination as drunken strangers struggled to connect. An awful prospect, that, but I did manage to enjoy myself in the company of 2 lovelies I had already met at the bar on previous nights.

I don't reckon that it's impossible to find a soulmate in a bar. It's not any more unlikely than finding one at the library or bible study or whatever. I do, however, believe that it's ourselves we have to find before that someone materializes.

Happy hunting, lonely HTers.

[tutusue]

[...]I do, however, believe that it's ourselves we have to find before that someone materializes. [...]
Man...them thar are such wise words coming from such a youngster! ;)

[genepark]

If you guys still care about an update, here goes:

I've went on a couple of dates, and I've come to the determination that I'm not ready to date seriously yet. It's ridiculous, but I'm still not over my ex, and it's hard to see me really happy in another relationship, especially when I'm still trying to figure things out on my own. If anything, I actually have more fun with da guyz then on those few dates.

Of course, I'm always open to suggestions and word-of-mouth recommendations. ^_^

[Leo Lakio]

I've went on a couple of dates, and I've come to the determination that I'm not ready to date seriously yet. It's ridiculous, but I'm still not over my ex, and it's hard to see me really happy in another relationship, especially when I'm still trying to figure things out on my own.Doesn't sound ridiculous to me - in fact, it sounds like you are listening to your feelings. Keep following them; if they tell you go out on dates, do. If they tell you not to get serious yet, don't. I think you're in good shape at this point, from what you are telling us. The only timeline you have to follow for results is your own.

[tutusue]

Good for you, Gene. The last thing I think you want to do is end up in a rebound relationship. Keep hangin' out with the guys and having fun. You'll heal in your own time and it'll become apparent when you're ready to date. That said...

MARRY ME! :D
(You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders!)

[Leo Lakio]

The last thing I think you want to do is end up in a rebound relationship.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MARRY ME! :D


That's a great juxtaposition, Sue!
(Gene: be sure to visit the HT Christmas Party thread, and you'll see how gorgeous Tutusue truly is.)

[tutusue]

Gene...I'm not that young, gorgeous gal in the back row. :D

[cynsaligia]

If you guys still care about an update, here goes:

I've went on a couple of dates, and I've come to the determination that I'm not ready to date seriously yet. It's ridiculous, but I'm still not over my ex, and it's hard to see me really happy in another relationship, especially when I'm still trying to figure things out on my own. If anything, I actually have more fun with da guyz then on those few dates.

Of course, I'm always open to suggestions and word-of-mouth recommendations. ^_^

as i've said before, if you want, you always have the option of dating "unseriously." if you see a girl you fancy, ask her out; get to know her a little bit over dinner or coffee or whatever. the more women you meet, the more you'll figure out those things you really want. and you won't only learn about what you want in a mate, you'll learn what you want in yourself.

my time dating was a great period of discovery for myself. each person i dated taught me something about relationships (not just the romantic kind, but just relating to others in general). the bonus was that if i listened carefully, i could often see myself in their eyes. i didn't always like what i saw, but it was always something to learn from.

[Leo Lakio]

my time dating was a great period of discovery for myself. each person i dated taught me something about relationships (not just the romantic kind, but just relating to others in general). the bonus was that if i listened carefully, i could often see myself in their eyes. i didn't always like what i saw, but it was always something to learn from.That's very cool - dating also taught me a lot about myself, at a time that I was struggling to move past a long-term relationship that had ended (and I didn't feel I could find anyone else). Took me a while, but gave me the time to decide what aspects of myself I no longer liked, and was able to fix/change/grow out of/grow into. That investment paid off hugely.

[craigwatanabe]

When I was younger I thought I had to be something somebody else would want.

When the return phone calls never materialized I decided to just be the best I could be if not for anyone else but me.

If you want someone to be attracted to who you are and not what you are, be the best at it and in time someone with like interests will be attracted to you.

By developing your own brand of Charisma those who identify with it will gravitate to you naturally. And isn't that what the laws of attraction is all about?

I was a needy person in high school, by the 10th year reunion, I was totally comfortable with myself and talking to those girls who I never thought I had a chance with ten years ago, suddenly it's they that came to me to talk story.

Now people talk to me because they have a need to correct my opinionated and highly biased attitude on this message board :D Wow I never garnered that much attention before:rolleyes: Sooo to much of a good thing isn't all that good yeah?;)

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Craig, that's the best thing I've read in a while. Awesome post!

[Vanguard]

I think one important component is to find some extra activities to take passion in. This serves a twofold purpose. First of all, you can meet a lot of people and socialize (and you can in turn meet friends of theirs), but finding activities which you generally love will increase your love of life and people will seek you out via your increase in positive energy. Have you tried any sports in Hawaii? Are you musically and/or artistically inclined?

[genepark]

I think one important component is to find some extra activities to take passion in. This serves a twofold purpose. First of all, you can meet a lot of people and socialize (and you can in turn meet friends of theirs), but finding activities which you generally love will increase your love of life and people will seek you out via your increase in positive energy. Have you tried any sports in Hawaii? Are you musically and/or artistically inclined?

I don't really do sports, although I do work out in sporadic bursts. My New Year's resolution, starting this week, is to hit the gym a lot more often. I've definitely gotten out of shape since I left college four years ago, and I'd just like to have some of that old positive energy back.

I'm musically inclined. I do play guitar, and I tend to latch onto local music scenes and their crew wherever I live. Fortunately for me, I have several coworkers who are in a local scene, so that worked out easy. I'm also a lover of all genres (yes, especially country), so it's easy for me to find people and performers I like.

And sue, I like to say to myself that I have a pretty large-sized head, so there's plenty of room for both good and bad in it. :)

[mommyandkeiki]

Fitness is good but feeling healthy is even better. I've been to both 24 Hour Fitness and the local YMCA and getting watching some people eyeball others up and down at 24 Hour Fitness is a little oogie. Oh, but, Gene, you should check out one of the local hiking or swimming groups. They seem to have a lot of fun, enjoy the Hawaii environment, and get in shape too! Some hikers even do moonlight hikes, family hikes, etc. My brother is involved with a rough water swim group and they have a blast. Swimming or surfing are great ways to wash off emotional "stuffs" and come out feeling all shiny and new.

I think if you find stuffs in Hawaii to do that you really enjoy, you will start to relax and all of a sudden you will find yourself surrounded by new friends, all kinds of friends.

By the way, I think the online dating thing works. I know of three married couples who met online and three others who met through a dating agency here. Funny thing, I also know three other couples who met in a bar!!! By couples I mean married with children. Sorry, I don't know any unmarried couples with no children.

Good luck!

[Vanguard]

mommyandkeiki has some good advice. You should also consider martial arts; Hawaii is probably the best state in the USA to pursue a traditional martial art. Playing kendo (http://www.hawaiikendo.com/) has opened a great many doors for me. :)

[mommyandkeiki]

mommyandkeiki has some good advice. You should also consider martial arts; Hawaii is probably the best state in the USA to pursue a traditional martial art. Playing kendo (http://www.hawaiikendo.com/) has opened a great many doors for me. :)

Vanguard,
My husband also very much enjoys martial arts. He mostly does tai chi now, better for old guys, he says. What have you especially liked about Kendo? How did you choose kendo over another martial art?

[craigwatanabe]

Well here's another angle to consider. Try working part time in a Home Improvement store like lets say oh Home Depot!

My wife tells me if she dies I'd have no problem meeting women as they seem to pop out of the woodwork asking for help at Home Depot. As a matter of fact I help more women find the right product for their home improvement projects than men. One, a local Japanese woman recently transplanted from Honolulu to Puna offered me dinner for helping her in the store.

Meeting women in a home improvement store is like striking gold! There's so many of them and they all have questions to ask. What a perfect ice-breaker. And the best part is that if you go as a customer you'll have an even better chance as finding a sales associate can be difficult at best.

I've had recently divorced women cry on my shoulder when they tell me they have to fix the leaking faucet and they can't because in the past her husband would take care of it...but now she has to deal with it herself. Oh man if I were still single :rolleyes:

[Leo Lakio]

I've had recently divorced women cry on my shoulder when they tell me they have to fix the leaking faucet and they can't because in the past her husband would take care of it...but now she has to deal with it herself. Oh man if I were still single :rolleyes:Of course, the fact that they are learning to deal with these home-care issues themselves, without depending on anyone else, makes them even more attractive, right? Independence is sexy. ;)

[Tiabla]

you should check out one of the local hiking or swimming groups. They seem to have a lot of fun, enjoy the Hawaii environment, and get in shape too! Some hikers even do moonlight hikes, family hikes, etc.

I'm no swimmer but I'd definitely like to check out one of these hiking groups. A cursory Google search turned up the Sierra Club - are there any others HT knows of? Thanks!

[GeckoGeek]

are there any others HT knows of?

Hawaiian Trail and Mountain Club (http://www.htmclub.org/)

[craigwatanabe]

I'm no swimmer but I'd definitely like to check out one of these hiking groups. A cursory Google search turned up the Sierra Club - are there any others HT knows of? Thanks!

The Sierra Club...hmmm before joining them make sure your political and business ideas are along their lines as well such as...

1) You have to be against the Super Ferry
2) You must be against electric lines running over the Koolaus
3) And the most important...must be a Democrat.:D


Oh and Leo Lakio, helping women solve their own home repair/improvement issues is a very rewarding thing for me because it liberates them and makes them feel very comfortable in the process. Making women happy...that's gotta be a good thing in a guy right?

[Leo Lakio]

Oh and Leo Lakio, helping women solve their own home repair/improvement issues is a very rewarding thing for me because it liberates them and makes them feel very comfortable in the process. Making women happy...that's gotta be a good thing in a guy right?Making EVERYONE happy is a good thing. (And liberation is not ours to give - but the assistance you provide is, and you should feel rewarded about it. Good on ya, as they say!)

[craigwatanabe]

Making EVERYONE happy is a good thing. (And liberation is not ours to give - but the assistance you provide is, and you should feel rewarded about it. Good on ya, as they say!)

Well then give me a 10 on the Voice of the Consumer next time you shop at Home Depot. We like to hear what the consumer has to say about their shopping experiences at Home Depot. On your receipt there are User ID and Password numbers you need to input online at www.homedepotopinion.com This will give you the opportunity to voice your satisfaction or complaints about your visit. A "1" means crappy service while a "10" means excellent service. You're also entered to win a $5,000 gift card as well.

I usually don't promote myself but Home Depot uses this information in employee performance evaluations as well as ways to improve the image of the company. We need to hear from our customers, we especially love to hear the complaints so we can improve our service to our customers.

[Leo Lakio]

Well then give me a 10 on the Voice of the Consumer next time you shop at Home Depot.Trust me, if I'm in your neck of the Islands, I'll seek you out and give you a hearty '10' in person.


Wait --- don't take that the wrong way, 'kay?

[Glen Miyashiro]

The Sierra Club...hmmm before joining them make sure your political and business ideas are along their lines as well such as...

1) You have to be against the Super Ferry
2) You must be against electric lines running over the Koolaus
3) And the most important...must be a Democrat.:DIt's true that the Sierra Club has those positions -- and you'll definitely see 'em if you read the chapter's newsletter -- but this thread isn't about that, it's about helping Gene find women! I've been on lots of Sierra Club hikes, and politics has never come up on the trail. And you don't even need to be a member to join them for a hike.

[craigwatanabe]

Trust me, if I'm in your neck of the Islands, I'll seek you out and give you a hearty '10' in person.


Wait --- don't take that the wrong way, 'kay?

Shucks for a moment there...hmmm :rolleyes:

But really a ten on the VOC (Voice Of the Consumer) as we call it really makes for a very good day for that associate, it goes on their personnel file and ultimately their performance evaluation.

If you want to see better associates at any Home Depot, this is the way to do it. It keeps the good associates and weeds out the bad ones ;)

[AbsolutChaos]

I'm no swimmer but I'd definitely like to check out one of these hiking groups. A cursory Google search turned up the Sierra Club - are there any others HT knows of? Thanks!

There's this one:
http://groups.google.com/group/hawaiihikers

I also has a friend who has a mailing list. He frequently puts together hikes--not only on Oahu, but sometimes day trips to other islands as well for hiking. PM me if you'd like his email address so you can be added to his mailing list.

[Vanguard]

Vanguard,
My husband also very much enjoys martial arts. He mostly does tai chi now, better for old guys, he says. What have you especially liked about Kendo? How did you choose kendo over another martial art?

Long story short, I wanted exercise, but I wanted a martial art as I don't care for gyms. I also find that many who teach kendo are doing it for the sake of teaching, as opposed to many arts that have been sullied for profit's sake. It invigorates the body, mind, and spirit, and the dojo fees are quite affordable. The only thing they may end up costing you is the equipment, but it will last long if you take care of it all.

I also like the fact that kendo is like fine wine. Older people don't quit and they don't stay on the sidelines at best; they simply get better. When I sparred with an elderly 7th dan from Japan and I couldn't even get a hit through, I realized that the best was yet to come. In fact, it's a long way off. :p

I hope this post isn't too tangential for the topic at hand.

[akrauth]

Hmm. Maybe it's because you're a haole who doesn't support the Hawaiian culture, unlike me. I hope you don't take this the wrong way. Maybe if you purchased some Hawaiian music, learned a little Hawaiian at least, and maybe studied the hula, people would like you better, especially native Hawaiians that you may bump into on occasion. What island are you on, if I may ask? I'll contact you later.

Again, I hope my comments haven't discouraged you in any way. I'm saying them with a nice demeanor.

A hui hou aku no!

[tutusue]

Hmm. Maybe it's because you're a haole who doesn't support the Hawaiian culture, unlike me. I hope you don't take this the wrong way. Maybe if you purchased some Hawaiian music, learned a little Hawaiian at least, and maybe studied the hula, people would like you better, especially native Hawaiians that you may bump into on occasion. What island are you on, if I may ask? I'll contact you later.
Which post in this thread is the object of your reply, Alex?

[Peshkwe]

Hooo-boy.....

Need a stick to scrape that off?

[pzarquon]

Hmm. Maybe it's because you're a haole who doesn't support the Hawaiian culture, unlike me.Where did this come from?

I don't care if you think you were "saying them with a nice demeanor." You're way out of line. Nobody disagrees that it's a good thing to get to know Hawaiian language or music or art better. But just because you think you can conjugate "hele" every which way from Friday, it hardly makes you a judge of whether someone else "doesn't support the Hawaiian culture." Or that that's the reason they've struggled to meet people and make friends.

I guess you earnestly think you're being helpful. But I can't fathom how.

[LikaNui]

I've felt the same things for a while now, but didn't feel it was my place to say it. (Nor could I have said it as well.) But my impression is that a whole lot of folks here agree with what PZ just said.
I see that you're only 17 years old, but take PZ's message to heart, Akrauth.

[Peshkwe]

Easy Ryan, don't forget how old this one is:

http://www.hawaiithreads.com/showthread.php?p=110894#post110894


Prolly still feeling her way around the grown-up world with a hard case of wannabeism on top of it, and she went went and stepped in a big pile of ego in the meantime.

[pzarquon]

I know, I know. We were all invincible and mentally superior young-uns once upon a time. I apologize. I certainly don't want to distract from the real mission here, and that's finding Gene some lo-o-o-ve!

[tutusue]

I've felt the same things for a while now, but didn't feel it was my place to say it. (Nor could I have said it as well.) But my impression is that a whole lot of folks here agree with what PZ just said.
I see that you're only 17 years old, but take PZ's message to heart, Akrauth.
And not quite 17 yet. I initially had more than one sentence in my reply above but thought I'd best delete the rest of it! I'd still like to know who she was replying to.

I think Alex means well but being a teen can...well...we've all been teens! She's been called on the carpet a number of times on HT and will probably be again. There's nuthin' easy about growing up! :rolleyes:

[Peshkwe]

I know, I know. We were all invincible and mentally superior young-uns once upon a time. I apologize. I certainly don't want to distract from the real mission here, and that's finding Gene some lo-o-o-ve!

If not 'lo-o-o-ve!', at least maybe a good runnin' partner to go out with in those dating type situations where running stag just feels odd. A wing woman rather than a wing man.

[Leo Lakio]

Alex, I've cut you a lot of slack here and other boards where I know you, but I'm sorry, I can't let this one slide. Being a teenager earns you a little wiggle room, but you have stepped WAY out of line with your "haole" post.

Not pono. Not pono at all, and you should know that, or all your studies of Hawaiian culture are for naught.

You should apologize - here on HT - along with an explanation that shows us that you understand why that was such a disrespectful and discourteous statement to make. Consider it your homework assignment, child, and part of your education.

[akrauth]

Hiki no, here's the ha'awina (homework.) Please grade it. I don't know how many spaces will make the date go into the corner of this letter, so e kala mai (I'm sorry.)

1/22/2007

Aloha awakea: (Good noontime in Hawaiian)

To start this off, I would like everybody on here to know that I think that I accept people all over the world for who they are on the inside. Also, I feel that I have a loving personality and a big heart. It may not seem like that because I have corrected a few people's 'olelo in the past and was curious about what specific celebrities wrote to typical members of HT, but I truly believe I do possess these qualities. Just ask any of my 'ohana (family) and/or hoaloha (friends), whether they be local to me or further away.

That said, I just wanted to say that I am extremely sorry for what I had written in response to genepark. When I posted it, I was prepared for some responses that would say what everybody above me just said. Even though I meant it in a helpful way, I knew, and still know, that the word "haole" has some negative connotations behind it. However, the reason I had written it was because someone on another board had told me that he thought that Hawaiian people like haole who support their culture and not ones who treat these eight islands like they are just any other state in the U.S. I believe that the word can be used to describe the way someone acts, not just a person's hair or skin color.

Genepark, if you don't mind me asking, what ethnicities are you trying to become friends with, and what have you done to try and reach that goal? Are you looking for advice from the rest of us, or are you just telling us how you feel and leaving it at that? When I posted my previous message, I was just thinking that possibly studying the culture might be a solution to your pilikia (problem.) I know, however, that many people are not interested in learning about world cultures or have lots of more important things in life to deal with, so if you are not interested, 'a'ole pilikia. (No problem.)

I hope that you will forgive me for what I previously wrote on here. Even if some of you don't, I have learned that if one is a little hesitant to say something regarding another person, then he should not say it at all, as it may result in that person losing hoaloha (friends.) Also, before one jumps to conclusions, he should ask questions so that he can get more facts about a situation.

A hui hou kakou, (until we all meet again)
na 'Alika (from Alex "'Alika")

[akrauth]

Oops. Sometimes, I'm still in 2007. Do I get marked down for that?

[scrivener]

Genepark, if you don't mind me asking, what ethnicities are you trying to become friends with, and what have you done to try and reach that goal?
Female. Is that an ethnicity?

[Leo Lakio]

`Alika, you get a passing grade just for the effort of making a response - and I commend you for coming back to the fire to face my challenge. Maika`i no!

A couple of comments (and remember, this is just one perspective) ---
I knew, and still know, that the word "haole" has some negative connotations behind it. --- I believe that the word can be used to describe the way someone acts, not just a person's hair or skin color.Agreed. But the ethnicity aspect is irrelevant to the discussion in general, on how to meet new people, and didn't belong in the conversation. Following up on that point brings me to this:Genepark, if you don't mind me asking, what ethnicities are you trying to become friends with, and what have you done to try and reach that goal?The danger is in assuming someone is seeking out dates only from a specific ethnic pool. They may or may not be, but it's discourteous to ask that in a general public discussion.

I have learned that if one is a little hesitant to say something regarding another person, then he should not say it at all, as it may result in that person losing hoaloha (friends.)Maybe not to such an extreme, but in this case, a bit more consideration of how your message could come across would have served you well - especially since you seem to have recognized that you were entering a danger zone with your use of "haole" (which was also off-the-mark, as it is an ethnic term that does not accurately apply to genepark, whose ancestry is Korean).

Also, before one jumps to conclusions, he should ask questions so that he can get more facts about a situation.Now, there's some real wisdom, and one of the best parts of your post. The more facts we arm ourselves with, the fewer conclusions we will jump to.

The only other thing I wanted to be sure you grasped, `Alika, was that your earlier post (and a handful of others from you) took on a very condescending tone, a sense that you - because of the time and effort you have put into study of `olelo Hawai`i and related cultural aspects - were placing yourself in a position of superiority, as someone whose example should be followed. Maybe some part of that is true - your committment to study is admirable - but a little more of a sense of ha`aha`a would be appropriate.

Thanks for the thoughtful reply, and the calendar will catch up to you eventually.

[akrauth]

'A'ole pilikia.

Questions:
1. Why was my first question that I asked genepark not appropriate for this topic? I was thinking that it would be a nice way to get some more background info on the subject matter.

and

2. I thought that not thinking about the way people act, haole describes anyone that doesn't have any Hawaiian blood in him/her. Hewa keia? (Is this wrong?)

A hui hou!

[akrauth]

Oh, and one last thing before I get ready to hiamoe: We're all still learning stuff, whether we like it or not.

[scrivener]

It just sounds weird. If a person approaches you and says, "Do you have any advice about meeting women?" The first question one responds with is usually not, "Oh, what ethnicity are you looking to meet?" Ethnicity is important, and it's definitely something seekers consider (any glance at the personal ads will support that), but it's just not the kind of thing one normally asks right off the bat. Perhaps we're speaking merely of social conventions, but there it is: Normally, one asks other questions first, and I'd say one doesn't normally ask this question at all. Rather, if the seeker has a preference, one allows the seeker to express that preference on his or her own.

It's just a weird question.

Also, it sounds condescending. I know you don't mean it to be, and I know you're just trying to be helpful, but there are times for all of us when we really aren't in much of a position to offer any real help. You'll notice I, a social loser who happens to be considerably older than Gene, didn't even really offer advice outside my one realm of social experience: Church. So please don't take this the wrong way, but when a teenager offers help of this sort (where, I'm sorry, experience actually counts for something) to someone and does it by asking kind of a weird question, it sounds awkward and strangely condescending. Nobody's blaming you: We're just sorta pointing out that it's an awkward couple of things you've said.

However: No ambulance, no foul. I'm sure Gene appreciates your concern.

[Leo Lakio]

Questions:
1. Why was my first question that I asked genepark not appropriate for this topic? I was thinking that it would be a nice way to get some more background info on the subject matter.

2. I thought that not thinking about the way people act, haole describes anyone that doesn't have any Hawaiian blood in him/her. Hewa keia? (Is this wrong?)
1) Scrivener answered that very well, though where he considers it "weird," I would be more inclined to say it's too forward for someone other than a friend you know well, and in person.

2) Peruse other threads here on HT, as well as other boards you frequent, and you will find that there are multiple opinions on the definition of "haole," from the literal ("without breath") to various specifics (all Caucasians; any outsiders; those who fail to behave in "the ways of the Islands," etc.) You will also see that it is a loaded topic - you admitted earlier you knew it had negative connotations, so I know you are not ignorant about what it "describes."

And your use of the term was in a fashion that a number of us keep referring to as "condescending." Are you seeing yet why we keep referring back to that tone? It's an important part of the lesson, `Alika.

[Peshkwe]

Hum....the guys are being gentle with you.


'A'ole pilikia.

Questions:
1. Why was my first question that I asked genepark not appropriate for this topic? I was thinking that it would be a nice way to get some more background info on the subject matter.

Ok, lets review:

Hmm. Maybe it's because you're a haole who doesn't support the Hawaiian culture....

You know he doesn't support the culture....how?

...unlike me.

Again...you know this how?

These two statements were the disrespectful, condesending statements you made that set peoples teeth on edge... particularly being that in both age and in social experience he is your elder. Even if you were his equal in all ways you still do not know him personally to be able to make such statements.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way.

Hard to go any other way when an attitude of 'I'm better than you' is presented first.


Maybe if you purchased some Hawaiian music, learned a little Hawaiian at least, and maybe studied the hula, ...

Good suggestions here, if you would have started off with just that and then left it alone you would have been gold....but.....

...people would like you better, especially native Hawaiians that you may bump into on occasion.....

You had to go and add that...immersing yourself in Hawaiiana doesn't guarentee that people (Hawaiian or otherwise) will like you any better...shoot...you just have to research Ken Conklin to see that.



and

2. I thought that not thinking about the way people act, haole describes anyone that doesn't have any Hawaiian blood in him/her. Hewa keia? (Is this wrong?)

A hui hou!

I'll defer to Leo on this:

1)
2) Peruse other threads here on HT, as well as other boards you frequent, and you will find that there are multiple opinions on the definition of "haole," from the literal ("without breath") to various specifics (all Caucasians; any outsiders; those who fail to behave in "the ways of the Islands," etc.) You will also see that it is a loaded topic - you admitted earlier you knew it had negative connotations, so I know you are not ignorant about what it "describes."

And your use of the term was in a fashion that a number of us keep referring to as "condescending." Are you seeing yet why we keep referring back to that tone? It's an important part of the lesson, `Alika.

It's the layers of meanings for word usage that makes a word needles or neutral. In this case it was wrapped up all snuggly in a 'looking down my nose at you 'cause I'm better than you' type of statement.

[akrauth]

Don't worry guys, I do know why it was condescending. Even though I didn't mean it in the way it would come across to others, it's a way of saying something like, "Aloha, I know how to act when I'm in Hawai'i Nei, and you don't." Again, e kala mai.

[Peshkwe]

Don't worry guys, I do know why it was condescending. Even though I didn't mean it in the way it would come across to others, it's a way of saying something like, "Aloha, I know how to act when I'm in Hawai'i Nei, and you don't." Again, e kala mai.


Are you sure you really mean this?

"Aloha, I know how to act when I'm in Hawai'i Nei, and you don't."

Just how it's written?

[scrivener]

I'm not sure, but I sorta thought she meant that's how she comes across, not that's what she means.

[Peshkwe]

I'm not sure, but I sorta thought she meant that's how she comes across, not that's what she means.

I'm not sure either, that's why I'm asking.

[craigwatanabe]

for someone who hasn't been around the block enough times, she sure does.

When I was a teenager growing up in East Honolulu as a typical sheltered sansei japanese kid, I thought I knew how to act anywhere in Hawaii as a "Local".

Ha! It took me going to Idaho and meeting up with other braddahs from KPT, Pearl City, Molokai, Hilo and Laupahoihoi to really understand any glimpse of what it took to integrate with other locals.

I learned more about Hawaiiana in Idaho with these guys than I ever did in my first 18-years in Waialae-Kahala.

Then I spent the next 23 years as an adult living in Honolulu thinking, "yeah I know so much more about Hawaii thanks to my military buddies than my classmates who grew up just like me, sheltered.

So could you imagine how ignorant I still was when I finally moved to the Big Island and saw "local" in ways that would make coming from Honolulu seem "Haole"? Ho man local is deep here and now I FULLY understood what my friend from west Molokai was trying to impress upon me as to how unlocal I really was compared to the rest of the state.

When locals here on the Big Island tell me, "brah your pidgin sounds so haole" Okay I thought I was speaking it the way I always grew up pronouncing it. But the deeper into Hamakua I went the more I couldn't understand the local pidgin dialect. Wow dat's some intense pidgen to the point of foreign to my ears.

So getting back OT, to some it's condescending (to many of us here), but to the speaker it's just the way she talks.

Communicating is a two way thing but it's important that the sender speaks well enough for the receiver to understand what they're telling.

You may not think you're talking down to people but if the response is as if you are, accept it and adjust so you don't. Defending your methods won't change the way you speak, it may change the way it's interpreted but the only conclusion will be, "Oh well she's just like that", not, "Oh she's not a condescending B*tch afterall".

And if you cannot take that advice constructively but taking it critically, then you have to mature a bit and understand that the world isn't all about you, it's about how you relate to the rest of the world. In your eyes you may be right, but to the rest of us, we see a different attitude.

Take the advice constructively from many of us who have been around the block too many times, accept it. And like I tell others we chastise here (including myself), if we didn't care about you we wouldn't spend the time telling you. We're all friends here and friends do what friends have to do, keep them even if it means tough love.

:)

[akrauth]

I don't think I said I meant it that way. You guys were asking if I understood why my original post was condescending, and I explained that I do and told you why.

[akrauth]

Oh, Genepark, is this the same person I think it is? Now I wish I lived in Hawai'i Nei. I was the one who added you on myspace with the name Aia i 'Aaaaaa-liiiiii-kaaaaaa! I found you on a certain celebrity's friend list. I love his music too. Part of me doesn't want to say who it is because of the whole "protecting people from their fans" thing. Want to know? Email me.

[genepark]

Yes akrauth, you added me on Myspace. Thanks for the add and telling me who you are! I was wondering who you were but I forgot to check the profile again.

Anyway I don't really take offense to her asking what ethnicity I prefer. I assumed it was more of a rhetorical question leading into her suggestion that I should study culture as a way to meet people. But to answer the question anyway: Yes, I prefer if my partner had women running through her veins. That's about all I care about. My exgirlfriend list is like a Benetton ad.

[lavagal]

Hey Gene I was in your offices this afternoon, but I didn't get a chance to look around. I said hi to George Lee! Anyway speaking of meeting people, sometimes when you're in someone's offices, you can't really get a chance to walk around and say hi to those you know!

[sinjin]

I would echo what a few others have suggested. Volunteer your time to a noble cause, be that social or environmental or whatevas. Chicks dig that.:D Seriously, you'll find substantive women involved. Choose one that appeals to the better side of you. One where you can sort of reinvent yourself as the man you think yourself to be in your heart. Oh, and it helps to be good looking.;) Not to be too superficial but make sure your presentation is polished to suit the audience. If that means new clothes or haircut or just greater attention to style then why not try it? We all take care for job interviews. Consider everytime to head out that you might be "interviewed".

[Menehune Man]

Yeah, what Sinjin said...
Good advice, I believe. :D

[Menehune Man]

Have to admit here that...
Meeting people is easy for me, it's the maintaining relationships that's hard.

As others "let us down" we need to forgive.
Since "I" ain't perfect... I let them down too.

Such is life with others! :eek: