Caring for your parents

[kani-lehua]

caring for your parents is not a matter of if, but when. here's a link from pbs.org http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/caringforyourparents/watchonline/index.html

[tutusue]

caring for your parents is not a matter of if, but when. here's a link from pbs.org http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/caringforyourparents/watchonline/index.html
I watched this show yesterday and it's a "must see" for those with aging parents.

[MyopicJoe]

Very interesting. Thanks for linking, Kani :)

So the kids move out of the house just in time for our parents to move in. Treadmill just keeps on going...

:p

[kani-lehua]

Very interesting. Thanks for linking, Kani :)

So the kids move out of the house just in time for our parents to move in. Treadmill just keeps on going...

:p


exactly. one can never be too prepared. i'm living and breathing this situation. this is my mother-in-law i'm talking about. "mom" has end stage alzheirmer's. i thought i had it bad until i watched the show and one of the participants (the hispanic guy) had it even worse. wife left him; he needed a pacemaker; mother has alzheimer's; father dying of cancer and sister doesn't help.:(

[sansei]

:( hi this is sansei and since before the year of my deceased father's passing,myself and my mom cared for my alining father who had lung cancer and he lived until the year of 2000 and then he passed and since then,now since my mom's age is in her 80's,i do watch her and help her when i can and when i think if someday she joined my deceased father,i'd feel sad and i wouldnt be very joyous and i do know what it's like to care for an aling parent so i thought to share this with everyone.

well thank's for your time:(

[1stwahine]

I take care of my eighty-three year MAMA.:D

She's my best friend and the woman I admire the most in life.

I can listen to her tell her stories over an over.

MAMA goes to dialysis three times a week. Her blood pressure goes low. Her Kidney doctor informed her to see her heart doctor again. :( She was a big woman before. Now she's tiny and fragile. Bruises easily. Her appetite, like a child.

I make her comfortable and let her have whatever she wants.

KOREAN SOAP OPERAS!:p

She looks forward to church on Sundays.

It's my duty, honor and privilege to care of My Lady, My MAMA.

Auntie Lynn

[MyopicJoe]

I liked it when the 4 sisters had a face-to-face with the parents, to discuss whether their parents wanted any life support. They all heard first hand what their parents wanted. They could ask for clarification. They got everything down in writing and agreed on it. The mother didn't have to make all the decisions on her own, nor did she have to convince her husband (who has dementia) on her own. Very wise decision. When the time comes, it'll help the sisters stay together, instead of splitting them apart.

I think that was in part 6. I'm only up to part 10. Been nibbling away at it.

[kani-lehua]

another great show/movie to watch is, "the notebook". husband takes care of his wife who has alzheimer's. starts off a little slow, but boy, this is a real tear jerker!

[Jim75]

I feel for those of you caring for your elderly folks. My parents have both passed on. I watched over my Mom in her last years and toward the end it was really pretty tough, but I am so glad I was able to be there. Her physician called me into the hospital on the last morning. She was lucid and at peace and we had a few nice final moments together. I feel very fortunate for having been able to be with her when she died. I miss them both very much, but it's also easy for me to say that I am glad I have passed through the experience of losing them.

[MyopicJoe]

this is a real tear jerker!

I'll have to check that movie out, Kani. I've been on a chick flick binge as of late. I'll need an estrogen detox soon :)

She was lucid and at peace and we had a few nice final moments together.

Wow, I'm happy for you and your mom, Jim. That is a blessing.

[MyopicJoe]

another great show/movie to watch is, "the notebook". husband takes care of his wife who has alzheimer's. starts off a little slow, but boy, this is a real tear jerker!

Just finished watching it. You're right Kani; definitely a tear jerker. Very sweet ending. Thanks for recommending it!

[Karen]

Kani-lehu, true...if you are some of the folks that are blessed (not in all cases, I know....) to still have your parents alive. I do see the troubles and challenges many cousins and friends are having now that our generation is being faced with aging parents. I wish so very much that mine were still with us and yet....I see the other side of this, too. One of the hardest remains how to stop them from driving when they indeed need to. Of course there are others equally as hard.

[MyopicJoe]

One of the hardest remains how to stop them from driving when they indeed need to.

Yeah that's very tough. Unfortunately most American cities are built around cars. If you don't have one, your life can be pretty limited. That's why car problems are so stressful.

Driving is a huge independence for someone to give up, but it needs to be done.

[tutusue]

Here is a beautiful article (http://the.honoluluadvertiser.com/article/2003/Jun/15/il/il06a.html) written by Advertiser writer, Vicki Viotti, for Father's Day 2003...a tribute to her father who she lost a couple of months previous. That was also my first Father's Day without my dad who had passed less than 3 weeks earlier. My knees buckled as I was reading. I'd not met Vicki before but I felt her to instantly be my kindred spirit so I emailed her. To my surprise she immediately replied. We still haven't met but we leaned heavily on each other that day via email. Each knew exactly how the other was feeling.

I reread that article each Father's Day as a reminder of how difficult it was for my dad, like Vicki's, to relinquish any independence. It's been almost 5 years and I still cry when I read it. Now, fortunately, the memories bring more laughter than tears.

[kani-lehua]

joe: definitely a tear jerker! the power of love!

karen: i'm actually helping to care for my mother-in-law. taking away her keys was a must. she would stop in the middle of the road because she would forget where she was going. the next step was to sell her car. OMG! my father passed at the age of 46 and i am estranged from my own mother. that's a very sad sad tale. i've shed a lot of tears over the situation. but, i have to move on. life is too short for what ifs.

tutu: a great article and a tear jerker. mom is also with kaiser and we don't get much help from them. however, her primary physician is DA BOMB! he can totally empathize because he took care of his father that had alzheimer's like mom.

[Karen]

Sue, I want to read that next. It sounds very touching and having lost my own precious daddy when he was only 59, oh how I can relate. He was one of the best, as it sounds like yours was, too. What a gentle giant, a true friend and role model.

Kani-lehua, seeing them have to give up the freedom to move about without relying on others can be heartbreaking. I didn't see mine live till they had to go through this but I know others dealing with it.

I had my own experience with a sweet, old fella that I had never met. I was in the main parking aisle at Mililani walmart and cars were backed up till I had at least four in front of me, none of us having known how suddenly we'd be at a standstill. Two more cars ended up behind me and I could not go forward or behind, and then.......it happened!

A large Cheverolet Suburban started backing up, to my right. My older daughter was with me as front seat passenger in what I drove then, a Camry. She yelled, and I started honking as this huge Suburban kept very slowly backing up. Worse, the driver's window was partially open, and I was honking non-stop, in shock this was happening.....and he drove right into the side of my car, meeting the side mirror and crunching it as far as he could, and finally he stopped and pulled forward.

I think half the parking lot had freaked out as the cars in front of us all fastly got off that aisle, but too late. He was maybe eighty and should NOT have been driving, had his wife with him and said she had said it was okay to go.

He ended up at our home to write me a check to have the mirror replaced. He was so kind and IN the insurance business. I was half in shock again when he told me that my car was just too low. I looked at him and as politely but firmly as I could tell him, I informed him that his suburban was too high.

His daughter finally called me and strangely I don't think she even apologized, but I did get to tell her how it happened and he couldn't hear my horn honking that profoundly right behind him, and then I reminded her how that if my car had been three or four people that weren't tall.....he would not have seen them either, and they would not have had a horn to honk and how he could have plowed into several people.

[kani-lehua]

karen: it was not easy to take mom's keys away from her. BELIEVE ME. but, for her safety as well as others, it had to be done. selling her car was even WORSE. egads!

and, what the heck is an 80 year old doing driving a suburban? i would think that he would be in the camry and you in the suv, no?! how could he or his wife possibly think that "all coasts were clear" with several cars all lined up? and, the daughter? why did you have to explain? looks like she's going to have to have THE talk with her daddy AND mommy.

same kind of situation happen to us over here in kailua. light was red. so we stopped. then, this older lady gets out of her car and apologizes profusely. she says she wants to handle the situation outside of the insurance companies. so we agree. then she goes off on a rampage trying to insinuate that it was our fault. huh?! we finally had to tell her that WE were the injured party (actually, no injuries or damages) not her. and, if she didn't calm down and accept responsibility, we would definitely contact the insurance companies. she quickly obliged!

[Karen]

Kani-lehua, OMG so sad! what I am referring to right now is how they are just being human, but still wrong in not wanting to face responsibility, but then maybe it isn't the lack of wanting to but the pain, the utter disbelief that they are now unable to do something well, and safely that they've, like all of us drivers taken for granted for many years, most likely.

The Suburban? He drove it to our house days later! Oh yeah, and then tried to sell me a mustang, I kid ya not. Guess he saw our then-teenager and thought what the heck. He did appear financially blessed, to put it mildly and when my hubby was at his house for the first of 2 meetings, he saw more than the 2 vehicles. (I don't like SUVs for myself, never will own one. I'm a sedan kind of gal, easier to park and good gas mileage.)

Right now my dear adopted aunty across the street from us is facing health issues vs. driving ones. She is still a good driver nearing 80, has very involved kids on-island, but was dizzy for a few days not long ago and could not drive all week, or 10 days. She goes, does for others and even drives other elderly places so it's going to hit her very hard when she has to stop. She's yet another of those "earthly angels" and I don't know if I feel more for her, or her kids. (For you, or your mom....etc) bless y'all~

[kani-lehua]

believe me: i know exactly what you are going through and can empathize completely! now, let's lighten this up a little. since you are, "a sedan kind of gal, easier to park and good on gas mileage" me thinks you should have tried to sell the insurance guy YOUR CAMRY.

[Karen]

Kani-lehua, LOL! I dig your mind, you got it.

[kani-lehua]

Kani-lehua, LOL! I dig your mind, you got it.

;):p:) you, too, karen!

mom is off to her granddaughter's house today. so, i think i'll tackle the windows that i've been putting off for a while.

[Karen]

Kani-lehua, well, ya just got me there! WINDOWS...no, I'm not hijacking this thread, just a mention that I hope to get mine Wed. or Thursday. Dang, I even dreamed I was living back in the house I grew up in, there in So. Central Tex. but that it had jalousies and I was complaining about them. lol...

I'm glad your mom has other family members to be with. What just came to mind is something many of my friends and relatives haven't taken time for, but since we lost our precious parents, I do remind them of.

RECORD HISTORY...I have so many stories from my parents, and yet the older I get I do think of more of them, and details matter when it's those we love, where we came from, etc. but I can't pick up the phone and call daddy at the office or mom at home, or at one of her offices (she had more than one after I, the youngest became a teen) etc.

I wish...yeah, hindsight :( I had recorded on cassette since we didn't have all of the ways to keep audio on computer then.....many stories, from their own voices, etc. I even have VHS of Mom that won't work anymore but of course some techy may get it transferred to another medium for me, yet.

Once you lose your parents...the stories, family history they have in their minds will, if recorded be priceless to you. Video of them is, sure and we have a good supply of that but often it's them laughing and interacting with others, priceless but the history is largely gone. We're Cherokee and there were so many things Mom had gotten from her mom, and one of Mom's living brothers is deaf and not easy to communicate with, and another way up in his 80s is the one that gets his stories confused, so.....

RECORD, ask, it isn't just the bigger stories, either. I wanted to phone mom about really small things, who was it that invested in what...when I had the worst type of measles, describe just how bad the symptoms were, again....which relative lived by Willy Nelson, and why is his family tree mingled with ours....so many vague things that will have to remain that way, and worse...just lost history.

[kani-lehua]

ah, yes, recordkeeping! we did this with "dad" in his final days. what a great video that was made of a man i adored. he didn't have much education. i believe he finished the 6th grade and that was it. but, what a wealth of knowledge the man possessed.

in caring for mom who has end stage alzheimer's, we take still pics of her. sometimes she is just a hoot. she can no longer communciate. or maybe i should say, we just don't understand her "language". i'm sure you are aware that you can upload pics to whatever host site and create a video from there?

"memories like the corners of our minds...misty water-colored memories of the way we were...scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind...smiles we gave to one another of the way we were...could it be that it was all so simple then...or has time re-written every line...if we had the chance to do it all again...tell me, would we?......"

[Karen]

Howdy again, Kani-lehua,

Yes, I am aware of the myriad of things we can do, have seen pics made into video for funeral homes and once by a family and shown at the funeral, etc. These technologies have ballooned and are so cool, and we have countless things in our house I don't even know how to use, yet. :eek:

I have not needed them so I haven't learned to use the MP3s, IPOD, Bluetooths, dang so many hand-held devices, daughter has the cellphone that is like a tiny computer, she has internet access on it and can Instant message her hubby to and from Iraq, hubby has all but the bluetooth, and I use none of it, yet. I got spoiled with our homeschooled teens doing all techy stuff for me so I kept busy and didn't learn that stuff, now both are married and in their own places so....

Necessity will breed education for me, and so it should be. (In other words, at the moment I am "technology challeneged, lol)

You refer to your dad's education and/or lack of, and I want to say that education comes many ways. It's the "PC crowd" that wants us to apologize if we didn't pay tons of money to attend formal education and yet Human Resources for large corporations will tell you that umm...dang what is the number....four? Four years of EXPERIENCE at anything, to them...equals one year of college in it. Something like that....

The origin of the word "educate" meant "to bring from within" like Einstein did, for example. No one taught him the most important things in his life, he came up with them.....God given genius and we all can be like that...at least potentially so, too.

My daddy dropped out of school at 15, leaving an alcoholic family, he lied about his age joining the army at 17, and like we can and even should be, was totally "self-taught" and ended up being a corporate executive for a company that, although not "GE, Chrysler, etc" it did sell in the early eighties for 200 Million, by today's standards make that twice as much, and daddy went from salesman for them all the way to plant manager with a few hundred employees, then beyond, to assist the VP of the corporation.....on what many would call "no education."

Your dad was clearly educated way beyond the formal, few years as were many of their generation and people like this still exist today of course. It's just common sense that a person that hungers to know, wonders, questions, researches, tries and does things.....learns all of their/our lives.

That rocks that you got your dad recorded. Mine died in '86 and I only have cassette of him and a lot of pictures. Didn't even get my first VHS camera till....a year or two after that.

[MyopicJoe]

No one taught him the most important things in his life, he came up with them

There's that classic quote:

"Never let your schooling interfere with your education."
-- Mark Twain

[tutusue]

Kani and Karen...
I could find nothing but still photos of my dad and I longed for audio and video of the man who could melt me into a puddle of daughterly love and send me into spasmodic belly laughter, all at the same time. We had no oral history because my dad didn't feel we had anything that would constitute "history"! OMG, did I find out otherwise!

I started blogging about him as a means to keep his memory alive for my grandkids on the mainland and as a way to start etching our history into cyber-stone so that it, hopefully, would never be lost. Then, something happened that I never anticipated. People I'd never met started reading the blog as did people I hadn't seen since small kid days. Many had both audio and video of Pop, along with other memorabilia, which they voluntarily sent to me. I've had such fun, not to mention many tears, converting and editing this memorabilia into what is now becoming our family history.

Now, here's where I thank God for technology! Last week a high school classmate was visiting me. Her mom and my dad were also high school classmates. As we tend to do, we got on the subject of our families, including me dating her brother in high school! I mentioned, in passing, that my dad was part of the original cast in the "Our Gang" series...but I mentioned it in a way that indicated to her that I thought she already knew. Her jaw dropped as she had no idea. I had the 2 episodes on my iPod so she got instant sight gratification! She and I spent the rest of dinner gushing over technology. :D

[kani-lehua]

tutusue: now how cool is that?! when "dad" was alive there was so much to share and talk about. we, however, didn't do a video until his last days. should have done it much sooner. and, you would think that would have been a lesson to start early with mom. well, mom can no longer "communicate" and in our minds nothing makes sense. sometimes a swear word will come out. lol. the other day she said her deceased brother's name. OMG! so anyway, we do still photos.

well, our neighbor across the street has parkinson's disease. i keep telling her not to come across the street, but to call me instead when she has goodies to deliver. we've had this reciprocity thing going on for decades. so anyway, i was doing the windows when i heard this faint calling of my name. i turned around and there she was with her little frail body and a package of homemade brownies (i don't eat them, but mom likes to). so i graciously accepted her gift; stopped what i was doing and walked her back to her house. i nearly lost in then, but kept my composure. she couldn't get her legs to do what her brain was telling them to do.

she was all by herself--husband went golfing. so i helped her into her house. she was very thirsty so i got her a cup of water. she hadn't eaten lunch yet and wanted me to stay. she ate some fruit cocktail ever so carefully as to not choke on it. she was still hungry so i warmed up the portuguese bean soup she was instructed to eat. ah, man! she could only manage the soup, some potatoes and macaroni. it was heartbreaking watching her trying to feed herself with the tremors coming and going frequently. we tried switching her to her left hand which was much better. but, then it came down to me feeding her.

we laughed and talked story. she's supposed to practice singing as a form of therapy. now that's something i hadn't known about parkinson's--affecting everything. you guessed it, she had me open up her song book and sing to HER. we laughed and laughed. then the phone rang and it was her husband. she doesn't like to talk on the phone. yup, she passed it to me. he was quite surprised when i told him that i was "having" lunch with his wife. told him that she had taken her pills. asked when he was returning and he said not for another couple of hours.

lunch was over. i did her dishes and left her ALONE. told her that i would call to check on her. i did so knowing she wouldn't pick up the phone. lo and behold the husband answered. my anxiety was finally over. i hung up and cried.

[Karen]

Myopic Joe, I dig that one a lot! Thanks for posting it. Here's some more..

"Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school."
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."
"I never teach my pupils;I only attempt to provide the conditions in which they can learn."
"it is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education."
all, Albert Einstein~

Sue, aww man! I luv it, stories like this. Clearly your dad was a precious soul and humble man. This internet has brought people together that otherwise would not have met, or would not have reunited. It's happened to me, and I've found cousins I would've never met thanks to geneaology research, etc.
Your grandkids will cherish the fruits of what you are doing, for a very long time.

Oh man, Kani-lehua! sigh...you are her earthly angel, God bless you for taking the time, having the patience and caring. Hubby on the golf course...I'll reseverve comment cuz either way it'll sound judgemental yet I won't mean it that way.

I'm sending you big huggz for what you are, and did today, and thinking a tiny prayer for God to bless you extra for it. He will, not cuz I ask but cuz that's the type of things He rewards.

[tutusue]

[...]
lunch was over. i did her dishes and left her ALONE. told her that i would call to check on her. i did so knowing she wouldn't pick up the phone. lo and behold the husband answered. my anxiety was finally over. i hung up and cried.
Good grief, even on your caretaker's day off you end up caretaking. Bless your heart. The world needs millions more like you, Kani.

[kani-lehua]

karen and tutusue: sorry, i wasn't looking for a pat on the back. just needed some cyberhugs from you guys. i have very little time for myself and really needed to get the windows done, but i just couldn't live with myself had she got hit by a car while crossing the street or not having anything to eat or drink. honestly, i think her husband and children are in denial about the extent of her condition.

believe me, i do feel blessed. with all that transpired today, we managed to laugh and sing. she even gave me some oranges to take home. remember, this all started with her bringing over the brownies. give and take give and take reciprocate. guess, it's my turn again. ooh, boy! tomorrow's another day! see the next paragraph: :(

i just found out from a friend's daughter that he is doing poorly and will be moving from palative care to hospice care. then i read leashlaws post about a death in their family. guess i will be going to bed with a heavy heart, too.

[tutusue]

[...]give and take give and take reciprocate. guess, it's my turn again. ooh, boy![...]
Well...not really! Give and take isn't meant to be an equal exchange. It's not tit for tat, li'dat! ;) You were there when needed. That's HUGE.

[turtlegirl]

:) Sending you tons of cyberhugs!!! :)

[Karen]

Kani, do not take thought of your not "looking" for a pat on the back. The accolades for what you did today were sincerely said and justified.

Sue is so right about it not "being your turn." My dear auntie across the street and my family do for each other, she'll bring muffins still warm, and cookies not totally cool, we'll give her freshly made Taco Soup, and even a two year old stove because we bought the one we'd really wanted, but it isn't an obligation thing, and I pull back from the feeling that I've got to run do something simply because she just did, etc. We're cool with each other and don't care if one of us does three things in a row for the other, etc.

Gal, did ya get the windows done? I hope so. I didn't touch ours, today. I did everything but them. they are saying more rain, and higher humidity and that is gross weather to try to clean them in, and heck, why bother? That's the weather that mucks them up again. (excuses, I got excuses, lol)

[leashlaws]

Wow Kani - what a day. And your post makes me believe what is sometimes
not always certain: there are angels among us and you are one!

[kani-lehua]

ah, shucks you guys and gals! you got me blushing!

what puzzles me about our neighbor is that when i called to check on her and the husband answered with a, "thanks ah", he didn't seem too concerned?! DENIAL? was thinking of taking her some miso soup with tofu in it today. not because it's my turn, but i'm genuinely concerned about her. maybe it's just not any of my business?! you know when i finally sat down to have dinner, i realized that i had a headache.

on a lighter note, mom enjoyed the brownies. this woman will hesitate to eat good food, but give her some sweets and she's the happiest woman in the world!

karen: i did get the windows done. even though more wet weather is forecasted, i just couldn't stand the sight of them. me thinks better to have wet "clean" windows than wet sludgey, mucky, muddy ones. we live on a main thoroughfare and the soot accumulates. then there's the salt build up. ugh!

tutusue: love your signature. i'll have to remember that one.

leashlaws: huggz to you and yours. hope you were able to find a florist.

turtlegirl: welcome to the neighborhood--kailua!

okay everyone. take care of you and yours and have a fabulous day! that's my intention, but anything could happen?! :o)

[leashlaws]

Sending a cyber gardenia your way for a good day! I was out walking Manele & Koele and my neighbor has a bush that is absolutely snow white with
huge gardenias. He told me to help myself so on the way back I grabbed
a few and am sending gardenia thoughts your way!:)

I am now going to look for a florist. I am thinking Picket Fence in Kailua
could help, I've got PT in a bit over there so I'll stop in on my way home.

[Karen]

Kani-lehua, you got the windows done too! Am glad for ya and I should...:D...be ashamed by comparison, ha.

Yes, it is "some of your business" because the sweet lady makes it so everytime she brings you into her home and her life. The Miso is a good idea.

Gardenias.....oh man, they are wonderful and even grow well in Texas. I grew up with a large one outside our front, livingroom window. Of course it was either cold or hot there and windows open only 3 or 4 days of each year but I sure did bring them indoors and enjoy them. I don't have any now but do have those hedges that have the tiny, white flowers that are very aromatic. Darn, I never have learned the name of these.

Our aunty is on island at her daughter's housesitting this week. I'm getting her mail and paper, and she says she'll be home this weekend. She hasn't been dizzy anymore and is driving everywhere. Amazes me she drives from Central Oahu to windward side, and downtown to docs offices. She tells me she even use to backup their boat into the water, and at home to park it at times and I do believe that she has been a very good driver for many years and yet these days I do get a bit concerned for her, but! she has several kids on-island that visit every week, and take her a places, too.

[tutusue]

[...]Gardenias.....oh man, they are wonderful and even grow well in Texas. I grew up with a large one outside our front, livingroom window. Of course it was either cold or hot there and windows open only 3 or 4 days of each year but I sure did bring them indoors and enjoy them. I don't have any now but do have those hedges that have the tiny, white flowers that are very aromatic. Darn, I never have learned the name of these.[...]
Mock orange?

Growing up in SoCal we always had gardenia bushes. Sometimes the smell was overwhelming but it was still nice. One flower in a glass of water could diffuse a whole house!!!

[kani-lehua]

leashlaws: thank you so much for sending me the "virtual gardenias." it just so happens to be my most favorite blossom. the puakenikeni is a close second. i just invested in the native hawaiian gardenia plant. hoping to plant it soon. the blossom is the size of a puakenikeni. picket fences has great stuff. a little on the expensive side though.

karen: yep. ah hah! got the windows done, too. man am i tired today. did a lot of runing around and took mom on a downtown/chinatown tour. she loved it. went to nearby mccully shopping center for chinese food. go figure? anyway, someone recommeded a buffet there. it was so so. but mom did enjoy the almond jello. keep an eye on aunty!

tutusue: "dad" loved gardenias, too. when he passed, everyone place a single flower on his casket. i can never get enough of them. i just don't have luck growing them. hopefully, the native plants i mentioned above will bless me with some blossoms?

[Karen]

Sue, that name does not sound at all familiar, but I dunno. It's a plant that is commonly used as hedges and makes a darn good fence. I'll ask some neighbors and maybe find out the name of it.

Kani, I got maybe 100 jalousie pieces cleaned today. I then decided I have a life and said 'nuff! I think this house has too many windows, when cleaning, but on a hot day I'm so glad for the flow-through.

[kani-lehua]

Kani, I got maybe 100 jalousie pieces cleaned today. I then decided I have a life and said 'nuff! I think this house has too many windows, when cleaning, but on a hot day I'm so glad for the flow-through.

:eek: we had to replace the jalousies because lots of them were frozen shut. mom and dad didn't keep up with them so switched them out to the awning type. ooh. the neighbor lady has a ton of them! hope she doesn't ask me to clean those! hubby should do it instead of spending his hours on the golf course?! :rolleyes:

[Karen]

Kani gal, ahhh, you got smart windows! LOL dangme, not yet. Money money....windows and we have a ton....I am seeing dollar signs. Well, I'm very glad for you that y'all got those changed out. Jalousies and living without AC is like having rooms full of shelving and they have to be dusted regularly, except with humidity and all that the dust sticks to the........oh sorry, must be giving ya a headache with all of this rambling.

I think I will seek out breakfast, err lunch. That little pouch of oatmeal bites and tea just didn't do it.

One more day and Aunty will be home. I am glad because we watch out for each other and our houses. I actually feel better when I leave the house and know she's across the street and watching the place.

How's your Mom and your precious friend across from you?

[kani-lehua]

karen: windows do cost a fortune! but, we opted for the awning type instead of keeping with the jalousies because like you, we had thousands (exagerated).

talked to mom's hospice nurse today about our little neighbor across the street and my eyes filled with tears recounting the story. she was speechless when i told her about the husband being on the golf cours. when she was leaving, their garage door was open and i could see that their car was there. so, that means that at least the husband is with her for now.

as far as your aunty: it's always important to get to know your neighbors. our immediate neighbors have all lived here for decades. everybody's waiting for the mangoes to ripen. lol. we have been sharing them for just as long.

[kani-lehua]

just found out that the friend i mentioned on 4/14 that was moving from palative care to hospice care is more than likely going to be admitted today. he's gotten way worse.

while this situation doesn't have to do with the original post of, "caring for your parents", it's also important to take the time for friends and neighbors.

[i-hungry]

My parents passed away quite awhile ago. Its good to plan for medical insurance for your parent's later years because not everyone leaves this earth without medical help.

[lensperson]

One of my parents died from cancer in her sixty second year. She fought tooth and nail to cling to life.
She had a lot of stuff yet to do.
My father drove headlong into a truck some years ago and with that event I was without mother or father.These events really hurt,but with time maybe the pain will fade

[Karen]

Welcome to Hawaiithreads, Lensperson and I share your sentiments. My mom fought her cancer for a full year, gallantly, patiently and as hard as she could, even going to her oncologist's office nine or ten hours before she passed on. She was 66 when she went.

Like you I didn't have to face the issues of caring for them when they couldn't and yet we're both deprived of all of the blessings of having them, still, though they are at times "mixed blessings."

[lensperson]

Karen,
The tears are rolling from my eyes as I type.
Where there is life there is hope.

[Karen]

Lensperson, sending you big huggz, sincerely. If you ever want to talk about our parents, losing them, damn cancer or anything related in any way...know you are welcome to send me a Private Message and talk or cry your eyes out, if you know what I mean within that poor use of grammar.

You bet where there is life there is hope! You just happened to have used one of my favorite of a ton of cliches. I tell myself that if I have negative thoughts about my own life in anyway, when I think of my latest family member that is fighting cancer right now...a 31yr. old nephew with brain cancer, inoperable, left side, left front I think....sorry to ramble, I need sleep was slammed today..I mean for time, not literally.

We can honor our precious parents by sharing about them with each other, if you wish.

For now...I better thank you and say goodnigh, and God bless.

[kani-lehua]

One of my parents died from cancer in her sixty second year. She fought tooth and nail to cling to life.
She had a lot of stuff yet to do.
My father drove headlong into a truck some years ago and with that event I was without mother or father.These events really hurt,but with time maybe the pain will fade

aloha lensperson and welcome to hawaiithreads.

along with karen, i can empathize to/with you. my father passed away at the youthful age of 46 due to a massive heart attack. no hugs or kisses goodbye. just gone. i will be his age this year and it scares me because i have high blood pressure and high cholesterol like him and my mother. i've also had two aunts, one uncle and my father-in-law who have died from cancer.

speaking of my biological mother: we have been estranged since 2006. i've been wondering lately on just how i will feel when she passes. she has told a friend/co-worker of hers that she has disowned me. you know, i never felt as though there was a love connection anyway. so, that's nothing new. i've had to move on.

helping to care for my mother-in-law or "mom" who has advanced stage alzheimer's has got to be the most challenging thing i have ever done especially because we never got along when she "knew" me. i was always known as "that wahine". pretty laughable statement right now as i write it. for her, "where there is life, there is hope", doesn't apply. as you well know, alzheimer's is incurable.

"mom" has another UTI. seems no matter how often we take her to the restroom or the amount of liquids she is given, it returns. part of the dying process? probably so. her immune system is very weak. and, last night it was a "food fight" at dinner. the night before, she loved the beef tomato. last night she was spitting and throwing the stuff everywhere. this morning she was as happy as can be?! what a roller coaster of emotions.

so, that's the abbreviated version of my "family" history. twenty something years ago my father passed and i am not over it. yes, i was most definitely "daddy's girl." e ku ana au nou....i will be praying for you.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_33_21.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZCxdm235YYUS) a Great Big Hug to both you and karen.







http://www.smileycentral.com/sig.jsp?pc=ZSzeb095&pp=ZCxdm235YYUS (http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb095_ZCxdm235YYUS&utm_id=7923)

[Karen]

Aww Kani, Bless you and sending you huggz, too. It sounds like your mom-in-law is truly your mom and you sure were/are her girl. Alzheimers steals so much but we can't know just how much they sense and know on some levels, and I bet you that she feels your love profoundly so.

[kani-lehua]

karen: all i know is that mom was in a good mood TODAY. lol. just never know what's going on in her head. sometimes she swears and, i for some reason, find it hilarious! getting a little goofy myself?!

[Karen]

Kani, nah, you aren't goofy for finding that cute. Isn't it like hearing a swear word come from a toddler and inside us though we know not to validate the child's saying it, we can't help but be very amused about what we heard?

I had an uncle that was a pentecostal preacher in South Texas all of his life. He was such a huggy, patient and unselfish fella. I had never heard harsh talk come from him, maybe he really did live what he preached. I suspect so. Then one day one of my cousins was like shocked and oh, we were all still grade-school age then, and she told us how their car had stalled in traffic and Uncle had said "damn!!" LOL.....wish I coulda heard that for myself. It would've sounded funny coming from him. :eek:

[kani-lehua]

Kani, nah, you aren't goofy for finding that cute. Isn't it like hearing a swear word come from a toddler and inside us though we know not to validate the child's saying it, we can't help but be very amused about what we heard?

I had an uncle that was a pentecostal preacher in South Texas all of his life. He was such a huggy, patient and unselfish fella. I had never heard harsh talk come from him, maybe he really did live what he preached. I suspect so. Then one day one of my cousins was like shocked and oh, we were all still grade-school age then, and she told us how their car had stalled in traffic and Uncle had said "damn!!" LOL.....wish I coulda heard that for myself. It would've sounded funny coming from him. :eek:

i won't even talk about some of the gestures she makes:eek: i can't seem to wipe the smirk off my face. at least the beef tomato came off with ease. :)

[lensperson]

Hi Kani,
I had not not thought about the ramifications of long term care when I tossed off that "where there is life there is hope" aphorism.
Your post lead me to think further in these matters.
I am sometimes challenged to "grok" what my cats are telling me.
Sometimes there are no simple solutions. H. L. Mencken once observed that for every complex problem there is a simple and wrongful answer.
Kind Regards,
Chris

[kani-lehua]

Hi Kani,
I had not not thought about the ramifications of long term care when I tossed off that "where there is life there is hope" aphorism.
Your post lead me to think further in these matters.
I am sometimes challenged to "grok" what my cats are telling me.
Sometimes there are no simple solutions. H. L. Mencken once observed that for every complex problem there is a simple and wrongful answer.
Kind Regards,
Chris

ahh, chris! everyone's situation is different that's why i posted the somewhat abbreviated version of my family. really, i can empathize. i know that one aunt and one uncle who died of cancer had much more to do. in their situations, "where there is life there is hope" would have applied. in "mom's" case it doesn't. you didn't post a , "wrongful answer" to a, "complex problem." that's life. in no way did i take offense if that's what you are feeling!!!!! chin up (for me, that would be chins up. stubborn double chins of mine :p!

[alohacandy]

Found this thread and thought that I'd join in. My parents are both 82 and live in San Diego. Dad is in relatively good health except for high cholesterol and sciatica. Mom has hypertension and early Alzheimer's. Dad still drives and they seem to be getting by OK for now. Because of my mom's increasing memory problems, my dad is getting more frustrated and often ends up yelling at her when she "loses" something again, which results in her getting tearful and upset. I have introduced the idea of an adult day care center for one or two days a week so that dad can get a little bit of time to himself but so far they aren't receptive to that. My brother lives in the San Diego area as does my aunt (dad's sister). My brother and sister (who lives here on Oahu) don't have the patience that I have with them (I'm the oldest). I keep thinking that I may eventually have to either bring them here to live (which I don't think they'll want to do) OR even go live with them. I worry about them a lot. God bless all of you that are already traveling this journey.

[kani-lehua]

Found this thread and thought that I'd join in. My parents are both 82 and live in San Diego. Dad is in relatively good health except for high cholesterol and sciatica. Mom has hypertension and early Alzheimer's. Dad still drives and they seem to be getting by OK for now. Because of my mom's increasing memory problems, my dad is getting more frustrated and often ends up yelling at her when she "loses" something again, which results in her getting tearful and upset. I have introduced the idea of an adult day care center for one or two days a week so that dad can get a little bit of time to himself but so far they aren't receptive to that. My brother lives in the San Diego area as does my aunt (dad's sister). My brother and sister (who lives here on Oahu) don't have the patience that I have with them (I'm the oldest). I keep thinking that I may eventually have to either bring them here to live (which I don't think they'll want to do) OR even go live with them. I worry about them a lot. God bless all of you that are already traveling this journey.

your dad's reaction of being frustrated and yelling at mom is actually quite normal i'm told. in my situation, it was the opposite. when mom was in the beginning stages of alzheimer's, she did all the yelling, swearing and hitting. to begin with, she already was very feisty and the alzheimer's only compounded her personality/problems.

we did the day care thing until she became incontinent. she was no longer accepted at the center for that reason. she wasn't receptive to the idea of day care either, but came to enjoy it!

we also did overnight stays at a respite home--ugh! or should i say, an ugly situation. mind you, there are some very good ones to be had. now she is at home almost 24/7. her granddaughter watches her on mondays and fridays, but gets paid for that. we also have a paid caregiver come in to help with bathing, feeding and companionship. i can barely move her due to a bad hip that i reinjured trying to do just that.

a head's up: resentments and many other emotions build up between the patient, the spouse, the primary caregiver and the rest of the family. this is quite the norm and very common. everyone's situation is different especially when it comes to healthcare, health directives and THEIR assests.

if you were to bring your mother here, this could add to her confusion. and, just be prepared for a complete life change should you decide to get fully involved. YOUR life will be put on hold. on a more postive note, this would give you the chance to reconnect with your parents. if you are single, your moving might be an easier transition.

lastly, do not be afraid to ask for help. hold on to your faith. you will be rewarded. maybe not monetarily, but with treasured memories. good luck.

[alohacandy]

your dad's reaction of being frustrated and yelling at mom is actually quite normal i'm told. in my situation, it was the opposite. when mom was in the beginning stages of alzheimer's, she did all the yelling, swearing and hitting. to begin with, she already was very feisty and the alzheimer's only compounded her personality/problems.

we did the day care thing until she became incontinent. she was no longer accepted at the center for that reason. she wasn't receptive to the idea of day care either, but came to enjoy it!

we also did overnight stays at a respite home--ugh! or should i say, an ugly situation. mind you, there are some very good ones to be had. now she is at home almost 24/7. her granddaughter watches her on mondays and fridays, but gets paid for that. we also have a paid caregiver come in to help with bathing, feeding and companionship. i can barely move her due to a bad hip that i reinjured trying to do just that.

a head's up: resentments and many other emotions build up between the patient, the spouse, the primary caregiver and the rest of the family. this is quite the norm and very common. everyone's situation is different especially when it comes to healthcare, health directives and THEIR assests.

if you were to bring your mother here, this could add to her confusion. and, just be prepared for a complete life change should you decide to get fully involved. YOUR life will be put on hold. on a more postive note, this would give you the chance to reconnect with your parents. if you are single, your moving might be an easier transition.

lastly, do not be afraid to ask for help. hold on to your faith. you will be rewarded. maybe not monetarily, but with treasured memories. good luck.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful input. Just got off the phone with my aunt (dad's sis) and she is going to take them to an Alzheimer's seminar tomorrow put on by the local Alzheimer's association at a senior center near them. My mom sounded receptive to going and finding out more. My mom said today that she thinks that the Aricept is making her more "emotional" (her doc just increased the dose), so I encouraged them to talk to the doc about this concern. I can email her doctor as well with this info. Even though she is having more memory problems, she DOES know that she has Alzheimers and realizes some of the implications since 2 of her sisters had it as well. Most of the time she has a positive attitude about "living with" the disease. I'm hoping that their visit to the senior center will open up some doors for them as far as activities that they may be able to do together. In the past, Dad has always said that the senior center is for "old people"....even though he is 82 and it's open to anyone over 50 (go figure!). They have trips, classes, an exercise room, etc. I told them that I expect a "report" tomorrow evening. LOL

[kani-lehua]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful input. Just got off the phone with my aunt (dad's sis) and she is going to take them to an Alzheimer's seminar tomorrow put on by the local Alzheimer's association at a senior center near them. My mom sounded receptive to going and finding out more. My mom said today that she thinks that the Aricept is making her more "emotional" (her doc just increased the dose), so I encouraged them to talk to the doc about this concern. I can email her doctor as well with this info. Even though she is having more memory problems, she DOES know that she has Alzheimers and realizes some of the implications since 2 of her sisters had it as well. Most of the time she has a positive attitude about "living with" the disease. I'm hoping that their visit to the senior center will open up some doors for them as far as activities that they may be able to do together. In the past, Dad has always said that the senior center is for "old people"....even though he is 82 and it's open to anyone over 50 (go figure!). They have trips, classes, an exercise room, etc. I told them that I expect a "report" tomorrow evening. LOL

i had forgotten to mention about the meds. there's lots of trials and errors. increase the dose decrease the dose. try this try that. how about this: mom was on premarin (i believe that was hormone replacement therapy, someone correct me if i'm wrong) and it was increasing her "desires". we had many instances with inappropriate behavior.:eek: you bettcha, took her off of that pronto! lol. mom was on aricept early on and is now using namenda.

glad your aunt is participating or is at least willing to participate. if you can, i encourage you to watch the video about caring for your parents on pbs.org. very insightful and emotional at the same time.

[kani-lehua]

so we went to visit our friend at st. francis hospice (west). he was telling us a true but funny story. father asked if he could annoint him so ______ said yes. when it was over, father began kissing his face. he used the term "pecking". _________didn't know how to react but later informed one of the nurses that he would like to speak to one of the nun's about this situation and about dying. the nun told father that _______ was uncomfortable with the "pecking". father told the nun to apologize for him and that he wouldn't go to see _______anymore. we laughed and laughed with _______and told him that not only is he attractive to women, but we guess also to men?! i've never heard of this practice?