Local Jokes

[adrian]

I'm tired of seeing a lot of mainland jokes. I want to see some local jokes.

I'll start:

There was an ambulance with its siren on that was rushing to the hospital that passed by a tenement. After they passed the tenement, they saw a Samoan man running quickly to the ambulance. The drivers were questioned by his presence behind them so they stopped the ambulance and asked the Samoan what was his problem. The Sole ran up to the ambulance and asked ,"Eh, U still get ice cream?"
------------

Every day, a hen owned by the Hawaiian would lay an egg in his garden, which was used in his daily breakfast. One day, he looked into his garden, only to find that the hen had laid her egg in the Texan's garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the Texan rush out of the house to pick the egg. The Hawaiian ran up to the Texan and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Texan disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for awhile until finally the Hawaiian said, "In Hawaii, we normally solve disputes by the following method."

"I kick you in the nuts and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the nuts and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Texan thought for a moment and noticed that the Hawaiian was only wearing a pair of those funny "slippahs", then looked at his own feet which boasted a shiny new pair of alligator cowboy boots... with pointed toes no less. He quickly agreed to resolve the dispute "Hawaiian Style."

The Hawaiian took a few steps back and kicked the Texan in the balls as hard as he could. The Texan fell to the ground clutching himself and howeled in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually, the Texan stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Hawaiian replied, "Nahhh bruddah, keep the egg."

------------

Q) What do you get when you cross a Filipino & Hawaiian?

A) Somebody who lovees to clean yard but no more land.

[kukui_nut]

I'll try to help push this thread along...

These 2 Bruddahs and 1 Tita went to heaven...
They met St. Peter at the pearly gates who told them "Welcome to heaven, glad to have you guys here, BUT, there is one golden rule that you need to follow" He continued, "Whatever you do...DON'T STEP ON A DUCK."

Before St. Peter even got to end the sentence, Bruddah #1 promptly stepped on a duck. Immediately, an angel swooped down and chained a god-awful looking, large, hairy woman to him for all eternity.

All shook-up, Bruddah #2 panicked. In his panic, of course, he stumbles and he too, steps on a duck. Another angel with another god-awful looking, large, hairy woman gets chained to him for all eternity...

The Tita sees this and gingerly treads along careful not to step on any ducks.
All of a sudden an angel swoops down on her and chains this well-sculpted, handsome hunk of a man to her.
In joyous shock the Tita asks with a big smile, "What did I do to deserve getting chained to you!?"

The hunk replies, "I dunno about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[slickvic]

You drive into the aloha stadium. they have only 3 lots open.


"A" lot full
"C" also full.

where do you park?

hahahahaha thats an old joke but still funny.


-vic

[aleno]

this one is really old.

Knock, knock?

who's there?

Meee Maaaa

get it....hahahahaha.

if it ain't funny, well, check out the post before mine....now thats funny...hahahaha

[Leimamo]

This is one I have posted at my site so I thought I'd share it with everyone here. Living in Japan does not exempt me from receiving Podagee Local jokes so enjoy!

A Honolulu construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Podagee. I’m not hiring any Podagees, the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test to avoid hiring the Podagee without getting into an argument.

“Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Without numbers?” The Podagee says. “Das easy,” and proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks.

“What, you no mo one brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Podagee.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

The Podagee stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.
“Hea you go.”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of da trees is dirty now! So it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Das is 99.”

The boss is getting worried he’s going to have to hire this Podagee, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

The Podagee stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, “Hea you go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred.”

The Podagee leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, “A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred. So when I start?”

[Mokihana]

The Podagee leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, “A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred. So when I start?”

Hearing dis old one again wen gimme smiyo..... RODF!
:) :) :)

[Mokihana]

The Hawaiian replied, "Nahhh bruddah, keep the egg."


RODFLMOO!!! :D :D :D :D

[Serenity]

How about a really corny one?
What do you call a depressed 6 pack?
give up?
A sad case. hahaha.
hay, I know it's corny, but it's funny, to.
:D

[lurkah]

Q. How do you keep a Portagee occupied?

A. Put him in one round room and tell him go sit in da corner.http://ohanalanai.com/lanai/images/smilies/worried.gif


Q. How do you get a one-armed Portagee down from da coconut tree?

A. Wave at him.http://ohanalanai.com/lanai/images/smilies/worried.gif


Q. What do you call a Filipino who walks his dog?

A. A vegetarian.http://allthingshawaiian.com/lurkah/smileys/smileyhowzit.gif

[Leimamo]

*snickersnortsnicker*:p

[Serenity]

Here is a sports joke for everyone: -

Patriots vs. Rams.
2 Rams fans were standing at a bar. The one fan said to the other " You now, the Patriots might have won the Super Bowl, but their fans are such a**holes!." A man walked up to them and with a mad look on his face said "I find that statement offensive!" One of the Rams fans replied, Oh, you must be a Patriots fan". "No," the man said, "I'm an a**hole!"
:D

[thebulacans]

You Know You From Hawaii If...

1. you buy large quantities of toilet paper in case there’s a longshoreman strike...
2. You don’t understand why anyone would buy less than a 20 lb bag of rice...
3. you would serve spam as a meat for dinner...
4. you can taste the difference between teriyaki and kal-bi
5. you know what a plumeria is and which color would die first: yellow,white or red...
6. you know why there’s shoes and slippers outside of front doors...
7. you know why there are alphabets on trees or any posts on graduation day you know why there are alphabets on trees or any posts on graduation day
8. you know what lei day is...
9. you know what is the "stink eye"; and how to give it...
10. you know what nationality girl would put tape on her eyelids and why...
11. you can correctly pronouce kalanianaole, kalakaua and aiea
12. you know what is in the big breakfast at mcdonald’s
13. you know what a "huli huli chicken" is...
14. you can name 3 varieties of mangos...
15. you have at least one family member whose name is "_____ boy; or "tita"...
16. you have said "wat, owe you money?,"; "karang your alas"; or "da kine"...
17. you know the difference between being hapa and being hapai
18. you give directions using mauka and makai...
19. you know what is "hawaii pono’i"...
20. you know what it takes to get into kamehameha school...
21. You know how to correctly pronounce "Likelike"...
22. Someone says the word "UKU" and your head starts itching. eeww...
23. You raise your chin to say "wassup" instead of nodding. (like one haole)...
24. When making "Shaka" the back of your hand is facing out.
25. You say, "Nori" not seaweed paper...
26. You say "Brah" not "Bro"...
27. You despise the movie "North Shore"...
28. You know why Sharks Cove is called Sharks Cove...
29. When your jokes are ‘bout Portugese not Polish...
30. You laugh at couples with cheesy Aloha attire...
31. If you get one pair of "tata" slippers...
32. When you e-mail mail people in pidgin...
33. You know what is "Morgan’s Corner". (And it still scares you!)
34. If you’re immune to "leptospirosis".
35. When it’s 70 degrees and it’s freezing to you.
36. You use "tako" instead of worms or fluorescent pink fish eggs for bait..
37. You got lickins’ with "da rubbah slippah"...
38. If you can walk through Waianae and not get mobbed...
39. You know that "Kukui nut" is not some mental person...
40. You’ve given Kahi Mohala’s number out to a guy/girl you didn’t like...
41. You call it "saimin" not "Top Ramen"...
42. The surf report is on your speed dial...
43. Your local kids wear slippers and shorts in November in Michigan!
(inside the house, of course!)...
44. "Dressing up" means shorts and a aloha shirt.
45. You say "shave ice", not snow cone or shaved ice...
46. Rainbow Drive-Inn is a special date.
47. You go Kam, not Aloha, swap meet.
48. You know pineapples don’t grow in trees.
49. When you hear the words fund raiser, you know it means Zippy's Chili
50. Your mouth waters when you hear the words li-hing mui.

cockaroached from e hawaii

Link hear for more http://www.e-hawaii.com/fun/jokes/toc.htm

[Mokihana]

Get dese two Pocho wahine holoholo down Kalākaua Avenue. Da firss one spock one compact ona sidewalk and lean down foah pick um up. She open um up, look insai da mirrah an tell da odda wahine, "Eh, dis wahine look familiah!"

Da numbah two Pocho wahine tell her, "eh, try lemme spock dat". So da firss Pocho wahine wen geev da compact to second wahine. Da second wahine look insai da mirrah an tell da firss wahine, "U lolo! Is ME!"

[Mokihana]

One day, one Pocho wahine wen come to her hale wen pau hana. Ai yah!! Da hale stay all hamajang, an somebodywen kakaroach all her stuffs!

She wen call 911 an tellum, "Eh, get ovah my hale! Some lolo wen kakaroach all my stuffs!"

Da 911 dispachah wen broadcast da call on alla channels, an one K-9 unit dat was neahby stay da firss to get deah to da hale. Da K-9 offisah wen hele up to da front doah wit his dog on one leash.

Da Pocho wahine wen run out ona porch, choke upset. She wen spock da policeman. She wen spock da dog. Den, she wen sit down ona porch an get big bambucha wai maka, teahs rolling down her face.

"Ai yah!", she wen sob. "I wen come to my hale, oni foah find all my stuffs been kakaroached! I call 911 foah kokua, an wat dey do??? Dey send me one blind mullet policeman!!" :D

I can do dis kine cuz I stay Pocho, yeah~ :D :D :eek:

[adrian]

One day, one Pocho wahine wen come to her hale wen pau hana. Ai yah!! Da hale stay all hamajang, an somebodywen kakaroach all her stuffs!

She wen call 911 an tellum, "Eh, get ovah my hale! Some lolo wen kakaroach all my stuffs!"

Da 911 dispachah wen broadcast da call on alla channels, an one K-9 unit dat was neahby stay da firss to get deah to da hale. Da K-9 offisah wen hele up to da front doah wit his dog on one leash.

Da Pocho wahine wen run out ona porch, choke upset. She wen spock da policeman. She wen spock da dog. Den, she wen sit down ona porch an get big bambucha wai maka, teahs rolling down her face.

"Ai yah!", she wen sob. "I wen come to my hale, oni foah find all my stuffs been kakaroached! I call 911 foah kokua, an wat dey do??? Dey send me one blind mullet policeman!!" :D

I can do dis kine cuz I stay Pocho, yeah~ :D :D :eek:
Its jokes like this that I'm thankful of knowing how to read pidgin.

[Krash Kolohe]

My cousin just graduated from the last class of cadets
at the Honolulu Police Academy.

As is the case, the rookies get the junk "beats", like
China Town and Waikiki pulling the 11 - 7 shift. It
sucks.

One day I see him wit his kids down Ala Moana.
I ask him how it's going. He says: "Hoo man, summer
time is the worst."

I ask him why.

He sez: "The kidz are all out of school, you get
tourist kids on vacation ... Waikiki goes nutz at
nite and that's when me and my partner work."

"In fact, the other nite," he continues, " we get
one call that some kidz when climb the fence at
Honolulu Zoo. So him and me go check it out.
We find three kidz running around the zoo grounds."

"ok" I say.

"...so we grab the three kids...line 'em up against
the wall and start questioning 'em."

"Wot your name? Where you from?
Wot you doing here?"

The first kid says: "My name Manual Pacheco. I stay
from Palolo Valley and I came to feed peanuts to da
lions."

My partner says: "Stupid portagee kid..get out of
here and don't come back."

The next kid says: My name Sufi Maiava. I live up
Kalihi Valley and I came feed peanuts to da lions."

I say: "Stupid solly kid..dum ass portagee..get outta
hea and don't come back."

The third kid has his hair all messed up, his glasses
is broken on his face, he has scratches all
over his arms and he is crying...

He says: "um...m-m-m-m....mah name Peanuts."

[Mokihana]

He says: "um...m-m-m-m....mah name Peanuts."


Oh, good wun!!! :D :D :D

[lurkah]

He says: "um...m-m-m-m....mah name Peanuts."

Eh...dat buggah sounds like one parody of Braddah IZ's famous "Bubbles" joke. :rolleyes:

[Mokihana]

Eh...dat buggah sounds like one parody of Braddah IZ's famous "Bubbles" joke. :rolleyes:

yeah, das wat I tot too....

[lurkah]

yeah, das wat I tot too....

No lie, Moki.http://ohanalanai.com/lanai/images/smilies/pity.gif Dat oni wen occur to you (AGAIN) aftah I said it.http://ohanalanai.com/lanai/images/smilies/sticktongue.gif

Scuze eh folks but we get past history regarding dis kine stuffs.http://ohanalanai.com/lanai/images/smilies/lolo.gif

[Mokihana]

No lie, Moki.http://ohanalanai.com/lanai/images/smilies/pity.gif Dat oni wen occur to you (AGAIN) aftah I said it.http://ohanalanai.com/lanai/images/smilies/sticktongue.gif

Scuze eh folks but we get past history regarding dis kine stuffs.http://ohanalanai.com/lanai/images/smilies/lolo.gif

u can believe wat u like, but I know da trut! I nevah say um cuz i no like spoil da fun. So jass shup! :mad: :mad: :mad:

[lurkah]

So jass shup! :mad: :mad: :mad:What? :mad: Why?
Boddah you?
You like beef o wat?
Go meet me aftah school down da rivah.http://ohanalanai.com/lanai/images/smilies/sticktongue.gif


Eh Krash, you gotta come back me up brah!

[Serenity]

eh....
you guys....
wot you doing?
this is supose to be one "local joke"
thread. No fight 'ova 'hea.
Jus kiss & make up al-redy.
Gee, hope you guys
doing this for one joke.
If not, den, kiss & make up,
or else.
Shees. I stay getting mad
ova hea,now, 'cause
I see you guys stay
getting mad at each adduh.
I like everyone jus
be frenz!. k?. Aloha.
plus, you know, "beef" not good
if you guys eat 'em all da time :D .
Maybe, jus da kine,
eat one bowl of salad,
good, you know?.
So neva mind, da beef, k?
Salad, 'mo betta. ;)

[lurkah]

Gee, hope you guys doing this for one joke.

plus, you know, "beef" not good
if you guys eat 'em all da time :D .
Maybe, jus da kine,
eat one bowl of salad,
good, you know?.
So neva mind, da beef, k?
Salad, 'mo betta. ;)

Eh Serenity, me and Mokihana go way back and I would be lolo fo go beef wit her fo real because she would karaang my dakines and would take me days fo recovah. But dass da oni way I can keep her from always echoing stuffs dat I say anden making like she wen tink um up too. But I know she no can help herself because she Portagee too.http://allthingshawaiian.com/lurkah/smileys/smileyshrug.gif Oh and by da way, I like my steaks Hawaiian salted and on da rarer side of medium rare dripping wit blood ovah hot rice. So you can go toss da salad.http://ohanalanai.com/lanai/images/smilies/snicker.gif

[admin]

Are there any more local jokes to share, or are we done here?

[lurkah]

Are there any more local jokes to share, or are we done here?

Wow brah, you run one real tight ship eh? Does there have to be a "done" or "pau" for a thread like Local Jokes? http://allthingshawaiian.com/lurkah/smileys/smileylaughing2.gif Leave da thread open. I can take one hint. Sayonara, a hui hou.

[Mokihana]

In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

[Mokihana]

LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE...

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu: A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift
Dum Gai: A stupid person
Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a
fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia: Approach me
Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan’s Island
Lao Zi Not: very good
Lin Ching: An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding: Achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai: A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse
Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice
Si-Ling Fan: A device to keep you cool

[Mokihana]

Help Da Kanaka


Keoki is in bed with his wife, Nani when there is a knocking on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I not going get out of bed now," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"You going answer that?" says Nani.

So Keoki drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and dere is large Hawaiian man standing at the door. It didn't take Keoki long to realize dis Kanaka was drunk.

"Howzeet," slurs the Kanaka. "Can, give me one push, or what brah??"

"No, beat it! It's tree-turty in da morning. I stay sleeping already," he says. Then Keoki slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells Nani what happened and she says, "Keoki, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember dat night we broke down in da pouring ua on the way for pick up
da kids from da baby sitter and you had to knock on dat man's house foa help jes to get us started again? What woulda happen if dat guy told us foa beat it??"

"But da guy stay drunk," says the Keoki.

"No matter," says Nani "He needs our help and dat's da Christian thing foa do to help him."

So Keoki gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes
downstairs. Keoki opens the door, and cannot see dat Kanaka anywhere. Keoki shouts, "Hooooiiiii bruddah, you still like one push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, can please???"

Still Keoki no can see the Kanaka, he shouts, "Ey, Braddah, where you?"

And the Kanaka replies, "I stay ova here...

... On top your swing."

[Mokihana]

Eh Serenity, me and Mokihana go way back and I would be lolo fo go beef wit her fo real because she would karaang my dakines and would take me days fo recovah. But dass da oni way I can keep her from always echoing stuffs dat I say anden making like she wen tink um up too. But I know she no can help herself because she Portagee too.http://allthingshawaiian.com/lurkah/smileys/smileyshrug.gif http://ohanalanai.com/lanai/images/smilies/snicker.gif

Das rite. I try keep him in line, but he stay outa control. He no can stand dat somebody else get da same ideas dat he get.

Us two been beefin' foah yeahs now. So no worry, yeah.

[Serenity]

Das rite. I try keep him in line, but he stay outa control. He no can stand dat somebody else get da same ideas dat he get.

Us two been beefin' foah yeahs now. So no worry, yeah.

Okey, Den, Lurkah & Mokihana.
I unduh stand. no worries. ;)
I guess it's ok, if you like
eat 'em rare wit da toss salad.
:D
ALoha.

[Mokihana]

yah, oni good fun...

[Serenity]

Wow brah, you run one real tight ship eh? Does there have to be a "done" or "pau" for a thread like Local Jokes? http://allthingshawaiian.com/lurkah/smileys/smileylaughing2.gif Leave da thread open. I can take one hint. Sayonara, a hui hou.

Yeah, I wit you, Lurkah, leave da thread open.
please....... :)

[pzarquon]

Aue, where's da jokes?

Thebulacans wen' post one link to da kine "e-Hawaii Local Kine Jokes (http://www.e-hawaii.com/fun/jokes/Default.htm)." (Check out how dey say, "Be forewarned... content may be slightly offensive... laugh at your own risk.") Get some oldies but goodies ovah dea, but I know there's plenty kine jokes on top dat, and probably mo' funny, too.

I'm tryin' fo' remembah the las' time I wen' see da kine Andy Bumatai...

[Kilinahe]

It was at your Christmas party fo' work last year, yeah?

(yes, I'm trying to type in pidgin. Please don't laugh)

[Mokihana]

i love dis one:

Moki’s Law: Never talk to haoles in pidgin, they may try to answer back.

[Krash Kolohe]

I tink one haole learning how fo' speak pidgin is called

one.....training brah !

[Mokihana]

I tink one haole learning how fo' speak pidgin is called

one.....training brah !


oh good wun, brah... nice to spock yoah maka ovah dis sai of da island...

no can hide yoah real ID in heah, brah. No can hide dat kaulana sense of humah! I wen spock u right away. ;) ;) ;)

[aleno]

Aue, where's da jokes?

Thebulacans wen' post one link to da kine "e-Hawaii Local Kine Jokes (http://www.e-hawaii.com/fun/jokes/Default.htm)." (Check out how dey say, "Be forewarned... content may be slightly offensive... laugh at your own risk.") Get some oldies but goodies ovah dea, but I know there's plenty kine jokes on top dat, and probably mo' funny, too.

I'm tryin' fo' remembah the las' time I wen' see da kine Andy Bumatai...


This was too funny. I scored 170 on the filipino quiz. Say I have obvious tendencies. I laughed so hard. I would have gotten more points but I wasn't concentrating. I'll do the quiz over tomorrow and see what I score.

I enjoyed the jokes. Brought back memories and funny how I get the punch lines even for the fact I been away from Hawaii for so long.

Thanks Pzar.

[Mokihana]

weah stay da pilipino quiz?

[aleno]

weah stay da pilipino quiz?


Stay under Are you really filipino?

My son asked me questions and he graded me after. If I had read it myself I would have gotten a higher score....hahahaha.
Every time my son didn't understand the meaning, I had to stop and explain. Brought back so much memories.

I bet anybody who lived around filipinos going score high.

[adrian]

Stay under Are you really filipino?

My son asked me questions and he graded me after. If I had read it myself I would have gotten a higher score....hahahaha.
Every time my son didn't understand the meaning, I had to stop and explain. Brought back so much memories.

I bet anybody who lived around filipinos going score high.
I just took that test (had to use MS Excel to log the numbers and total it up) and I got a 72, meaning that I have Obvious Filipino Tendencies.

Being that I was born and raised by a filipino family, I learned a lot of things from them, and when I did the test, I remembered a lot of them.

[Mokihana]

I get Flip tendencies jass cuz I wen grow up in da ‘āina. Guilt by association I guess...

[Serenity]

I am not sure about "local joke", but this one is really funny....
It goes something like this....

One day, an old lady buys a parrot to keep her company, but to her shock, all the bird ever says, day & night, is " My name is Bella & I like to f--k!" Upset,the woman decides to return Bella, but is met on her way to the pet store by her priest,
to whom she explains her bad luck.
"Don't worry," the priest says, "I have 3 parrots at home
& I've trained them so that all they do is pray. Let me take Bella home
& they'll make her a good parrot".
The widow agrees & the priest leaves with Bella. When he gets home, he tells his parrots, "This is bella. She is very bad & you must teach her to be good." With that bella shouts.
"My name is Bella & I like to F--k!"
The priest's parrots look at each other & one says, " I told you if we prayed long enough..."

That one was by... Mark Souza, Laurel,MD.

Hope you all like that one. I thought it was pretty funny. :D

Aloha & Take Care. :)

[Krash Kolohe]

Aunty Quinkah's old dog was not breathin' one morning so she quickly rushed him to da filopino vet down Lihue side.

Da vet put the dog on top the table and listen for heart beat. Nuttin.

He open da eyelids for check for anykine sign of life. Nuttin.

He open da mout and pull out da tongue for sign of life. Nuttin.

Finally, he went in da uddah room and came back with one box. He put da
box on da floor and took out a large cat.

He put the cat on the table where the dog was lying. The cat sniffed the dog and walked on the dog from it's head to it's tail. Nuttin.

He put the cat back in the box and came outsai the room to Aunty.

"Ai Sus" Doctor Balut says. "...I tink so your dog is dead. There is nothing I can do for him."

With that he hands her a bill.

Aunty puts on her reading glasses and is floored by what she sees: "Eh..Doctah.. it sez hea I owe you $125. How come?"

"Oh," the vet sez, "it's $25 for da office visit."

"...what is the $100 charge for?" Aunty demands.

"..oh dat...yeah...das for daaah cat scan" he replies.

[Serenity]

hay, Krash Kolohe ,
I like your signature on the bottom,
is that anything like....
me, knowing bob,
that rides a kayak,
& can't seem to spell it right?.
didn't know wether to
spell it backwards or forward.
:D

[kimo55]

Two guys are moving about in da new biiiig keeeee-aumoku st. Walmart when their carts collide. One says to
the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a firm ass.

What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours."

[kimo55]

Aunty Quinkah's old dog was not breathin' one morning so she quickly rushed him to da filopino vet down Lihue side. "...what is the $100 charge for?" Aunty demands.

"..oh dat...yeah...das for daaah cat scan" he replies.


hohaaa!
da bestest!

[kimo55]

so, okay, dis local bruddah takes da bus from haleiwa to King st. to da termite palace for his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters' box, takes a few swings and then
hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run"!
The next batter hits a single. Da bruddah listened as the crowd again
cheered "RUN, RUN"!! bruddah enjoying the game begins screaming with the fans.
The third batter came up and four balls went by. The Umpire called "Walk."
The batter started his slow trot to first base.
Da bruddah stood up and screamed, "Rrrrun ya lazy bum, rrrun!" The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the blalah sat back down. A helpful fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run -- he's
got four balls."
da bruddah stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, muh man!"

[kimo55]

A Parker ranch hand paniolo goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie
farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the
Paniolo
says, "Oh! We have sugar cane fields that are at least twice as large." Then they
walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The paniolo immediately says, "We have longhorns and other cattle on da big island that are at least twice as
large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the
paniolo sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field in the distance.
Amazed,
he asks, "What the hell are those?!" The Aussie replies with an incredulous
look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Hawaii?"

[craigwatanabe]

You Know You From Hawaii If...

1. you buy large quantities of toilet paper in case there’s a longshoreman strike...
2. You don’t understand why anyone would buy less than a 20 lb bag of rice...
3. you would serve spam as a meat for dinner...
4. you can taste the difference between teriyaki and kal-bi
5. you know what a plumeria is and which color would die first: yellow,white or red...
6. you know why there’s shoes and slippers outside of front doors...
7. you know why there are alphabets on trees or any posts on graduation day you know why there are alphabets on trees or any posts on graduation day
8. you know what lei day is...
9. you know what is the "stink eye"; and how to give it...
10. you know what nationality girl would put tape on her eyelids and why...
11. you can correctly pronouce kalanianaole, kalakaua and aiea
12. you know what is in the big breakfast at mcdonald’s
13. you know what a "huli huli chicken" is...
14. you can name 3 varieties of mangos...
15. you have at least one family member whose name is "_____ boy; or "tita"...
16. you have said "wat, owe you money?,"; "karang your alas"; or "da kine"...
17. you know the difference between being hapa and being hapai
18. you give directions using mauka and makai...
19. you know what is "hawaii pono’i"...
20. you know what it takes to get into kamehameha school...
21. You know how to correctly pronounce "Likelike"...
22. Someone says the word "UKU" and your head starts itching. eeww...
23. You raise your chin to say "wassup" instead of nodding. (like one haole)...
24. When making "Shaka" the back of your hand is facing out.
25. You say, "Nori" not seaweed paper...
26. You say "Brah" not "Bro"...
27. You despise the movie "North Shore"...
28. You know why Sharks Cove is called Sharks Cove...
29. When your jokes are ‘bout Portugese not Polish...
30. You laugh at couples with cheesy Aloha attire...
31. If you get one pair of "tata" slippers...
32. When you e-mail mail people in pidgin...
33. You know what is "Morgan’s Corner". (And it still scares you!)
34. If you’re immune to "leptospirosis".
35. When it’s 70 degrees and it’s freezing to you.
36. You use "tako" instead of worms or fluorescent pink fish eggs for bait..
37. You got lickins’ with "da rubbah slippah"...
38. If you can walk through Waianae and not get mobbed...
39. You know that "Kukui nut" is not some mental person...
40. You’ve given Kahi Mohala’s number out to a guy/girl you didn’t like...
41. You call it "saimin" not "Top Ramen"...
42. The surf report is on your speed dial...
43. Your local kids wear slippers and shorts in November in Michigan!
(inside the house, of course!)...
44. "Dressing up" means shorts and a aloha shirt.
45. You say "shave ice", not snow cone or shaved ice...
46. Rainbow Drive-Inn is a special date.
47. You go Kam, not Aloha, swap meet.
48. You know pineapples don’t grow in trees.
49. When you hear the words fund raiser, you know it means Zippy's Chili
50. Your mouth waters when you hear the words li-hing mui.

cockaroached from e hawaii

Link hear for more http://www.e-hawaii.com/fun/jokes/toc.htm

My wife submitted one to the Advertiser: You can tell you're local is when you can understand everything Larry Price says.

[kimo55]

My wife submitted one to the Advertiser: You can tell you're local is when you can understand everything Larry Price says.

49. When you hear the words fund raiser, you know it means Zippy's Chili





When you hear the words fund raiser, you remember Kings Hawaiian sweet bread.
....least that was fundraisah back in da early 70's...

[adrian]

Not local, but I had to post it somewhere.

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened,and the man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

[adrian]

A haole woman was taking a walk one day when she happened upon two Portuguese men. One of them was digging a ditch with a shovel and the other was doing all kinds of magnificent acrobatic back flips and somersaults.

The woman walked up to the man who was digging and said "Your friend is very talented! Do you think he might agree to perform next Saturday at our church bazaar for charity?"

The man said "I'll ask him."

Turning to the other man, he yelled "Waltah! The lady like know if you could stand one more crack in the alas with the shovel!"

[1stwahine]

Aloha All, Being disabled gives me the freedom to go on my computer anytime. But it's not all fun and games. Theres pain,forgetfullness and bouts of pupule episodes. The Local Jokes posted here are funny. The ones I've posted below is funny too...universal yet, very LOCAL too! Enjoy!

:D Simple Math

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Now, I'm a widow,aunt and maybe next!hahahaha!

[adrian]

A friend of mine who is a devout Christian was telling me about a wonderful religious experience that she had while on a fly-drive holiday in Hawaii last week:
She went to the local Christian book store where she saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. She was feeling particularly sassy that day because she had just come from a thrilling choir performance at church, so she bought the bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of her hire car. She was really glad that she did. What an uplifting experience followed . . . she was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and did not notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus or she may have never noticed that the light had changed. She found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind her started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go! . . .Go! Jesus Christ! Go!" Everyone was honking. She leaned out of her window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and even honked her horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a DJ from Florida in the queue behind her because she could hear him yelling something about a funking beach. She saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When she asked her teenage son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, she had never met a person from Hawaii, so she leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Her son burst into laughter, why, even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards her. She imagined they wanted to pray or ask what church she attended but that is when she noticed that the light had changed so she waved one more time to her loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection. She was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again and she felt kind of sad that she had to leave them and all that love that they had shared so she slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as she drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[Got2HaVKaYaNoW]

You Know You From Hawaii If...

1. you buy large quantities of toilet paper in case there’s a longshoreman strike...
2. You don’t understand why anyone would buy less than a 20 lb bag of rice...
3. you would serve spam as a meat for dinner...
4. you can taste the difference between teriyaki and kal-bi
5. you know what a plumeria is and which color would die first: yellow,white or red...
6. you know why there’s shoes and slippers outside of front doors...
7. you know why there are alphabets on trees or any posts on graduation day you know why there are alphabets on trees or any posts on graduation day
8. you know what lei day is...
9. you know what is the "stink eye"; and how to give it...
10. you know what nationality girl would put tape on her eyelids and why...
11. you can correctly pronouce kalanianaole, kalakaua and aiea
12. you know what is in the big breakfast at mcdonald’s
13. you know what a "huli huli chicken" is...
14. you can name 3 varieties of mangos...
15. you have at least one family member whose name is "_____ boy; or "tita"...
16. you have said "wat, owe you money?,"; "karang your alas"; or "da kine"...
17. you know the difference between being hapa and being hapai
http://www.e-hawaii.com/fun/jokes/toc.htm


:D MAHALO NUI!!! for the above post, I'm at work rolling in tears cuz was sooooo funny!!! Needed a laugh!! :D

I was trying Not foa Busss-laugh, my boss stay wandering why my DMV processing is sooo entertaining cuz I stay laughing soo much!!

[Kory K]

Don't read if you goin be offended!

Why is Balut like Bilot?


cause easy fo eat when the chick is younger!!! :eek:

[nachodaddy]

LMAO :)

Ryan in 3, 2, 1..........................

[Got2HaVKaYaNoW]

Did you hear about the Samoan man who got a ticket for parking his '89 Lincoln in a Compact Parking stall?

The officer said, "Do you know you are parked in a Compact Stall?"

And the samoan said, " Yea, dss why I pak dea ~ I gunna Ko an kumm pac. (Go and Come Back)

[anapuni808]

eh Kaya - nevah explain da words! takes all the fun out it. :D :D :D

[Got2HaVKaYaNoW]

eh Kaya - nevah explain da words! takes all the fun out it. :D


Sorry Ahh, i thought maybe get some haole's in hea that dunno & might mix 'em up....wit' da "kumm pac"? I dunno maybe....lol :D

[Moto]

What did one local termite say to the other local termite?

Eh Brah! Come eat my house.

[anapuni808]

Sorry Ahh, i thought maybe get some haole's in hea that dunno & might mix 'em up....wit' da "kumm pac"? I dunno maybe....lol :D


das ok - if dey nevah understand, maybe dey will go away ;)

(BTW - I prefer to be called that white person) :D

[Got2HaVKaYaNoW]

What do you call a popolo astronaut?

KALA-MOON-GUY :D

[Got2HaVKaYaNoW]

Where can you find a one-legged waitress?




IHOP!!!! :D

[Leo Lakio]

Sorry Ahh, i thought maybe get some haole's in hea that dunno & might mix 'em up....wit' da "kumm pac"? I dunno maybe....lol :DAh, if we non-Island haoles can't figure it out - too bad for us.
That's what makes 'em "local" jokes.