How do you cope?

[Kungpao]

I'm going thgough a bit of a rough time in life right now and I suppose I'm just looking to see what other people do to cope with daily/not so daily stresses.

My wife and I rescued a dog from our SPCA about a year and a half ago. A year went by with no incident with him and we both love him very much. 5 months ago, he tore a hole in a rather expensive comforter and my wife went ape on him. He apparently felt threatened and reeled around and bit her. Aside from this being mentaly traumitizing, she had to deal with physical pain from the 4 stitches as well.

On the 13th of this month, she was petting him on her lap and decided to clip his nails. The nail trimmers and his soft muzzle happened to be close to her so she picked them up to put them on him (as we had done in the past with no incident). He went psycho on her and bit her in the hand. This time requiring 2 stitches.

The first time, we attributed it to him being extremely freightened of her. The second time, we didn't know what to think. After getting advice from people, we decided to hire a dog behaviorist. Our local "Dog Whisperer" if you will. She came to our home on Sunday the 23rd and spent 3 hours with us and the dog and her conclusions were that he was a very loving dog. Too loving to the point that he was demanding attention from her by pushing himself against her. She also said he had very nervous behavior and some post traumatic stress symptoms from previous home settings. She reccomended (and showed us) some training methods as well as proper behavior (for us) to use around the dog. No yelling at him whatsoever even if he destroys our favorite items as this would send him into a nervous state and might cause him to bite.

Later that evening before going to bed, I was being stupid and wanted to startle our 2 cats off of our bed. So I playfully slapped my hands on the edge of the bed several times and made a general ruckus.

Apparently our dog thought something else was going on and he jumped up and bit me. Thankfully I was wearing a thick t-shirt and only got some minor cuts and bruising from the bite. This pretty much sent my wife over the edge and terrified her a bit. We made the difficult decision that he was to go back to the shelter.

This whole ordeal has been extremely taxing on both of us mentally. Last night was the worst when we actually brought him back. Both of us were in tears and she didn't sleep. I love my wife dearly and I know that I have to be strong for the both of us. She's not taking this well emotionally (understandably) and I am trying to be there for her as much as I can. On top of all this, my wife was just getting back on track emotionally from a miscarriage that was to be our first. We're emotional wrecks right now.

My problem is that I don't have anyone to be strong for me...

In times of stress, we usually rely on each other for support but lately I've had to carry the strength for the both of us. It's wearing me down and I'm sort of in a loss for what to do to cope. I've taken to just engrossing myself in other things just to "forget" what's going on around me till I have to deal with it.

[scrivener]

Re: how do you cope?

I don't know if this is at ALL helpful, but I'm a dog-lover too, and books I've read all say that when you lose a dog, the best thing to do for dealing with the loss is to get a new one. Don't wait around; just go get a new dog.

That doesn't address your needing someone to lean on, but I think it will help. Doggies definitely help.

[glossyp]

Re: how do you cope?

First of all, please let me express my heartfelt understanding of the situation you had with your rescued friend. I have spent many years rescuing and fostering dogs who were near death and abused. I'm not going to tell you what else you could have done to help the dog; your first priority is to the well being of your wife. She has been through a series of emotionally wrenching experiences and she needs a calm and steady environment. You need to strengthen yourself to help her and I suggest you do that by setting aside some time to do something that makes you feel good and gets positive endorphins going like walking, going out for a cup of coffee and relaxing or stealing some time to see a movie - these are just examples as you know the things that will help you. Some people like to go and sit in their church and meditate, others like strolling through a mall and people watching. Whatever it is, you need to do it to help yourself so you can help your family. I'll be sending good thoughts and prayers your way because that never hurts.

[GeckoGeek]

Re: how do you cope?

My only suggestion to this situation is to watch your thoughts. If you keep re-running the situation over and over, it's not going to help you. If you find yourself thinking about it, you might want to force yourself to think about something else instead.

Or do an activity that demands your full attention that doesn't allow you to play mental VCR tapes. This can be effective when you find yourself being overcome with emotion.

I'm not saying to completely cut things off. You've had a loss and you need to adjust. But you do need to try and control when and where.

[tutusue]

Re: how do you cope?

Needless to say, I'm not a doctor. But, I'm a huge proponent of talking to one when the need arises.

Both you and your wife have been thru a heartbreaking experience...the loss of a child thru miscarriage. This, by itself, can put one into what seems like an unending, emotional roller coaster. Now, you've lost another "child"...a dog that you both loved. And, to make matters worse, you were forced into the decision you made for reasons of safety. Heavy stuff, Kungpao, but you made the right decision, methinks. Think of your emotions as a gas tank. It sounds like your tank is running on reserve right now.

If I was in your shoes I'd enlist the services of a therapist to support you so that you don't run out of gas for your wife. S/he is a neutral 3rd party who is trained to help. No stigma anymore either...afaic! If I was stranded on a deserted island and could only bring one "item"...it'd be a therapist!

BTW...I really admire that you bared your soul and reached out for help.
{{{{{Kungpao}}}}}

To answer your question...I cope by meditating every morning, first thing. And, taking my own advice, I check in for a tune up with a therapist every month! Bouncing issues off of and brainstorming with her is the best thing I can do for myself. While the crisis which I originally started seeing her for during the 90s is long over, she's become a valuable tool in my life's arsenal!

[1stwahine]

Re: how do you cope?

In time of need and comfort, he hears my pleas and cries.

Pray.

It's easy and simple.

Just fall on your knees...

and call out.

He's listening.

(((Hugs)))

Auntie Lynn

[SusieMisajon]

Re: how do you cope?

1) I let the vet cut thenails..it's too easy to cut off too much and hurt the dog.

2) I have to wonder what the dog might do to a baby.

3) Have you considered castrating the dog?

[scrivener]

Re: how do you cope?

Susie, they got rid of the dog. That's part of the stress.

[tutusue]

Re: how do you cope?

1) I let the vet cut thenails..it's too easy to cut off too much and hurt the dog.

2) I have to wonder what the dog might do to a baby.

3) Have you considered castrating the dog?

Susie...reread Kungpao's first post in this thread.

[SusieMisajon]

Re: how do you cope?

Susie, they got rid of the dog. That's part of the stress.

Oh. NOW I understand. Sorry.

Okay, then...

1) Get a cat
2) Try another dog
3) Go on vacation
4) Volunteer at the dogpound
5) If you can, try and get pregnant again as soon as possible

[Peshkwe]

Re: how do you cope?

If you feel you want a new pup, contact Kalona over at the Honolulu Advertiser boards, or ask Aunty Lynn to give her a holler for you. She's babysitting/taking care of a new litter of Great Dane puppies, their eyes have just opened so they won't be ready to leave momma for a while yet...but if you're interested she could put you in contact with the owner who had to take some time to visit her family on the mainland.

I don't know if any (or all) the pups have been spoken for yet, but it might be worth a shot if you can deal with what will eventually be a large dog.

[scrivener]

Re: how do you cope?

KungPao lives in Pennsylvania.

[SusieMisajon]

Re: how do you cope?

KungPao lives in Pennsylvania.

Good thing you're here to keep us all on track, today.

[scrivener]

Re: how do you cope?

Good thing!

[SusieMisajon]

Re: how do you cope?

Ok...it's hard about the dog and even harder about the baby. I'd like to tell you nevermind about the dog, all that emotion for him is nothing next to the rest of life's problems...but that ain't gonna feel too good, I know.

Maybe crying about the dog is just another way to really cry about the baby...which must be a hell of a thing to have happened to you guys.

Maybe this isn't such a bad thing....I mean about the dog....I mean about the dog being the last straw, and all.

I'm not saying this very well, am I?