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  • the alchemy of raising teenagers

    otherwise known as the "stop me from throttling my teenage daughter" thread.

    Firstborn Daughter is 16 and a junior in high school. This kid is as motivated as she wants to be, is of average brilliance, and is perfectly content moving at a snail's pace. Stubborn as a mule, says that her failing English is due to having a sh*tty teacher, and doesn't seem to make any effort in areas that she doesn't want.

    My husband/her daddy says to let her go. If she doesn't want to motivate herself, she will realize that only she is to blame. I think that his logic is for mere mortals. I told her that if she is rebelling against my sound advice, then we will find ourselves in a spiral, for I am going to rebel against her laziness. I think we are far too easy on her, and want to toss real life lessons™ her way at an accelerated pace. If she cannot find it in her to deal with all the harpies who teach her at her school, then she should call up the local CC and find out all the details on what it takes to enroll in college. Go to school and experience when one's teacher could give a sh*t about how well she does, and find out what it is like to sprint without gravity.

    Damn, this kid is so much like me, but the difference was I had folks who didn't give a fig and it took me forever to figure it all out. How come having a zealous mamma doesn't speed things along?!!? Yeah, the sociologists might have an answer, but tonight I shall assuage myself in complaining to God.

    pax

  • #2
    Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

    would putting her in a different type of school or school setting work?

    my oldest daughter (13) is smart..hell she learned html coding at 10....*sigh* but if school is easy then she doesn't want to do anything at all....but if you put her up for a challenge she succeeds...i dont understand her logic at all...its like at the beginning of school she gets a/b's then in the middle she gets d's on purpose then when i do the speech at the end of it she brings her grades bak up...strange child...i will never never understand her!!

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    • #3
      Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

      no way am I moving FD out of schools during her junior year. Providing a geographic answer to a problem that will arise again and again in life (dealing with difficult people/situations/subjects) isn't the smart way to go. FD needs to learn how to swallow bitter medicine.

      pax

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      • #4
        Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

        switch teachers?? maybe she just needs to be motivationally challenged and it needs to come from someone else ?

        if not, i would just let her deal and face the consequences..thats how we learn in life.. i understand now as a parent what MY parents were trying to show/teach me but as a teenager i wanted to do things my way and in the end i learned and said oh, they were right ..:P

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        • #5
          Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

          Originally posted by Pua'i Mana'o View Post
          otherwise known as the "stop me from throttling my teenage daughter" thread.

          Firstborn Daughter is 16 and a junior in high school. This kid is as motivated as she wants to be, is of average brilliance, and is perfectly content moving at a snail's pace. Stubborn as a mule, says that her failing English is due to having a sh*tty teacher, and doesn't seem to make any effort in areas that she doesn't want.

          My husband/her daddy says to let her go. If she doesn't want to motivate herself, she will realize that only she is to blame. I think that his logic is for mere mortals. I told her that if she is rebelling against my sound advice, then we will find ourselves in a spiral, for I am going to rebel against her laziness. I think we are far too easy on her, and want to toss real life lessons™ her way at an accelerated pace. If she cannot find it in her to deal with all the harpies who teach her at her school, then she should call up the local CC and find out all the details on what it takes to enroll in college. Go to school and experience when one's teacher could give a sh*t about how well she does, and find out what it is like to sprint without gravity.

          Damn, this kid is so much like me, but the difference was I had folks who didn't give a fig and it took me forever to figure it all out. How come having a zealous mamma doesn't speed things along?!!? Yeah, the sociologists might have an answer, but tonight I shall assuage myself in complaining to God.
          You are the type of mother that every "haole" transplant would love to have.

          It sounds as though your daughter is just in her terrible teens... something I'm not looking forward to.

          If you are anything in person like the person that posts here on HT... I'm sure your daughter will do just fine in the long run as she has some great Genes.

          It takes many of us a lot of time to out grow our teen years and learn hard lessons.

          Be glad that your daughter is still in school and has not dropped out as so many local kids seem to do here in Hawaii.

          Best of luck Pua'i... however, I think you are akamai and she may just be pushing your buttons.

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          • #6
            Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

            I am dreading the teenage years that are creeping up on me. My oldest is 12. His teacher thought he was doing great when he was sliding from 5th to 4th grade reading and math last year. He also is very content to move at a snail's pace. I don't know why he has no motivation unless I am on top of him telling him to go go go! I was so motivated as a kid and RAN through school at an excelerated pace!
            He is back at home with me on him! What do you do??
            Since when is psycho a bad thing??
            Sharing withother survivors...
            www.supportandsurvive.org

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            • #7
              Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

              My kids have all been in multiple activities since elementary. Sports, hula, ukulele, judo. They have done it all. From young I have been giving them the scoop on the glories of multi-tasking. I talk about discipline, endurance and perseverance all the time. Heck, I *live* this example. And it is a training, not an innate gift. Our sacrifices exist with television (lacked one for years and years and today we have only one set, located in a room adjacent to the house), video gaming equipment (whatdat?) and so forth. Lots of bookshelves full of books, dinner on the table every evening at a set hour, homework until bedtime.

              As I told the FD tonight, I am allllll goooood with her needing to rebel. But damnit do it for the right reasons. Be conscientious about it. And cut the drama; if she is going to screw up, display the maturity to confess that, as it is more refreshing to deal with than watching her b.s. herself.

              gruggrumblegrurmfrickafracka tonight I bitched the kid out, after offering to listen to her first, and asking her common sensical questions about the logisitics of her choices, what she is facing in her schoolwork, and other elements currently on her horizon. She considers that these elements are above my review, a luxury that she deems the time and place to tell me about it.

              Like. Hell. This went downhill and fast. Fired up the barby, and started to grill the kid (she shoulda known better). *sigh* even in our discussion, I made every attempt to figure out where her head was at, but boy was this kid shooting herself in the foot left and right...(((shakes head))).

              pax

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              • #8
                Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

                A few random thoughts:

                Pass English, or else - Summer School.

                Out of curiosity, find out what happens if she fails? Does she stay back a year? Or does she have to make it up (summer school). If you can find out the natural causes of her failure, then you can tell her that you'll enforce them. Maybe she'll decide that slogging though and passing this time around English is better then re-doing it while all her friends are at the beach or shopping.

                When I was in 5th grade of so, math used to be one of my bad classes. Then my mom and dad took away TV privileges. Amazing how math was suddenly my best subject. One possible outcome is that with failing grades, come restrictions.

                You might check with the school and see if she can be put in a different English class. Sometimes there really is a issue between the way the teacher and students style. Heck, I failed English (as in literature) in collage. At one person's suggestion I went to see the head of the English department. I explained that I was a Engineering student, not an English major and what professor would the recommend. I followed the advice and while I still struggled at parts, I did get though it and actually learned a few things.

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                • #9
                  Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

                  I'd give her a handsaw and a wheelbarrow and have her clear several acres of Albizia trees.

                  If she rolls her eyes and complains about the "inadequate tools", I'd point out that a failing grade in English is also an "inadequate tool."
                  Ā Ē Ī Ō Ū ā ē ī ō ū -- Just a little something to "cut and paste."

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                  • #10
                    Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

                    Originally posted by Jonah K View Post
                    I'd give her a handsaw and a wheelbarrow and have her clear several acres of Albizia trees.

                    If she rolls her eyes and complains about the "inadequate tools", I'd point out that a failing grade in English is also an "inadequate tool."
                    This is EXACTLY what I do.

                    Last time I had to pull the trigger on this, it was moving a yard of wet sand with a five gallon bucket. Needed to amend some soil.

                    The wheelbarrow was in sight the whole time. When she lost feeling in her arms we took a break and I connected the dots for her. Does she want to go through life with a five gallon bucket or with a wheelbarrow?

                    In situations like this, what I like to call "calibration", talk is not very effective. Always ends with either an argument or one person talking and the other person not listening. Pick a difficult task, limit the resources, make the analogy AND the most important part, finish the task with her with the proper tools. It's collaborative (you two working together to finish a task) and validates the point (see how easier it is).

                    For me, and this is me, less talk, more work. I can make my point better. The time before the above was screwing down a 20X20 deck with a screwdriver versus a drill.

                    Pua'i, I think in other correspondence, you shared that you like to garden. I also like to garden and involve my kids closely. It validates the "reap what you sow" message I am trying to convey.

                    My 2 cents......your mileage may vary. In the words of Dennis Miller....."I could be wrong" .............
                    You Look Like I Need A Drink

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                    • #11
                      Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

                      I would push to an extent, and then let go of it and let her suffer the consequences down the road. Parents always want their kids to do their best and not have to repeat some of the trauma that they themselves went through as kids. But there's something genetically encoded into all of us that says that no matter what our parents say or do, they don't know everything. Very few kids ever think any further into the future than the next school vacation or holiday.

                      Some psychologists say that children of "reasoning age" and adolescents should be allowed to make their own choices (and thereby suffer the consequences of those choices). Maybe she just doesn't see yet how important her mastery of English will be in a couple of years when she tries to get into a college, or how the consequences could severely restrict her choice of a job down the road.

                      Gawd, parents have it rough sometimes! I certainly didn't appreciate that until I was about 29 or so, at which point I held my hat in my hand and admitted to my parents that all the things they tried to teach me when I was younger were in fact true!

                      Miulang
                      "Americans believe in three freedoms. Freedom of speech; freedom of religion; and the freedom to deny the other two to folks they don`t like.” --Mark Twain

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                      • #12
                        Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

                        My dear husband and I are at a temporary impass re: consequences for this kid. He prefers natural consequences; let her learn the hard way by failing English (for the record, if her 2nd quarter slides to an F, but her first quarter grade was a B, she will earn a D, which they will allow as a pass for the semester). I would prefer a more hardline approach and want to ground her and chain her to the table. DH says that I will get in the way of the point; she will rebel against me, not just her work, or personalize it so that her biting off her nose will spite my face.

                        pax

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

                          Originally posted by Pua'i Mana'o View Post
                          My dear husband and I are at a temporary impass re: consequences for this kid. He prefers natural consequences; let her learn the hard way by failing English (for the record, if her 2nd quarter slides to an F, but her first quarter grade was a B, she will earn a D, which they will allow as a pass for the semester). I would prefer a more hardline approach and want to ground her and chain her to the table. DH says that I will get in the way of the point; she will rebel against me, not just her work, or personalize it so that her biting off her nose will spite my face.
                          Which of you is your daughter more like in personality? If she's more like you, then ask yourself how you would have reacted to a mom who did what you are doing. If she's more like him, then ask him the same question.

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                          • #14
                            Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

                            I'd probably lean more towards your husband's viewpoint --- but I'm not saying that's the right thing to do in this case. I'm just glad my daughter is now 26 and married, and survived the teen years (when she was skipping school, or taking a knife to class for "protection," or dating a drop-out neo-Nazi, or...)

                            What I'm trying to say, PM, is that I just can't give any advice here - but know that I hear and feel the anger/frustration/worry that you are going through. Knowing that you give a damn convinces me that, whatever happens, your family will come through it all right. But you'll all gain a few scars in the process, no way to avoid it.

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                            • #15
                              Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

                              Originally posted by Pua'i Mana'o View Post
                              My dear husband and I are at a temporary impass re: consequences for this kid. He prefers natural consequences; let her learn the hard way by failing English (for the record, if her 2nd quarter slides to an F, but her first quarter grade was a B, she will earn a D, which they will allow as a pass for the semester). I would prefer a more hardline approach and want to ground her and chain her to the table. DH says that I will get in the way of the point; she will rebel against me, not just her work, or personalize it so that her biting off her nose will spite my face.
                              Painfully, I think your DH is right: no sense alienating your daughter, maybe for a long time, just for the sake of getting a good grade. Maybe it's the course material that's being taught that's unappealing to her. If she slides through this semester with a D in English, maybe she'll like English better next year and do well. There were parts of what I had to study in English in high school that didn't appeal to me, either.

                              Miulang
                              "Americans believe in three freedoms. Freedom of speech; freedom of religion; and the freedom to deny the other two to folks they don`t like.” --Mark Twain

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