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  • Step-children

    How come there are sooo many problems with spouses or lovers accepting step-children?

    I got divorced when my daughter was only 3 years old and I've had jealously / attitude from every woman that I've dated concerning her. I've accepted their kids, but they haven't mine. Total bummer.

    My daughter is now 24 and doing fine in her life. But what a loss of time and closeness because of ladies not accepting her.
    The whole Cinderella syndrome sucks.

    Do you have any similar or for that matter, better experiences?
    Life is either an adventure... or you're not doing it right!!!

  • #2
    Re: Step-children

    My mom and dad divorced when I was five, so my parents dating was always pretty much the norm, but my mom remarried when I was about ten or eleven, I think. My step-dad and I have always gotten on quite well, and for that matter his family has always made a point of including the step-children at birthdays and christmas and the like.

    It really is a shame for people to act the way you've described. Really, I don't know how anyone can feel ill-will toward a child just because they exist!
    Four Thousand Miles (blog) | MacRatLove (comic)
    Better Holes and Garbage (rats) | Perfectly Inadequate (music)

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    • #3
      Re: Step-children

      I have a stepson (Bradley), never call him that, he just blends in with the 3 boys.
      And it's funny, Bradley is more accepted in my husband's family than my boys!

      Grandpa and Grandma favor Bradley and cater to him because he was the "abandoned" one.

      Whe he was born his Bio mom gave Brad to his dad because she wanted to give him up for adoption but he fought for custody. She came to see him on occasion but until he was 3 it was just Grandma, Grandpa and daddy.
      Then at 3 I came and fell in love with both dad and son and he has been my son ever since.

      When Bradley was 7 we had 2 more boys.

      Grandma and Grandpa accept fully the first son but want minimum contact with the other 2 boys. Always inviting only Bradley to events and gatherings but excluding the rest of us.

      I worry about how my boys will take it as they get older.
      The cute thing is, Bradley now refuses to go without his brothers because he sees it is favoratism. He is 12 now and understands.

      But as for me, I do not understand not accepting any child. I would lay my life down the same for Brad and any other child. He is and always will be "MY" son.
      Anyone who cannot do that is just wrong not to open their heart to a child.
      Having my children was a very diffrerent experience, and I remember when my first son was bron looking at my husband and saying "I thought when I had my baby I would feel differently about him than Bradley, but I don't I love them both the same!!". I was kind of shocked and grateful at the same time. It was a lightbulb moment! LOL
      Since when is psycho a bad thing??
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      • #4
        Re: Step-children

        My second wife never really "accepted" my daughter from my first marriage, and I didn't recognize that for quite some time. When the three of us did any activities together, the ex would physically distance herself from my daughter and I, almost as if she were telling the world: "I'm not with them."

        I only saw my daughter, on average, once a year for each of several years, due to distance, so we were very focussed on each other during that limited time together - that's why I wasn't aware of how the ex was behaving. It really didn't come up for discussion until we were in counseling, as the marriage was collapsing. That's also when I learned that she was actually a little frightened of children, due to an incident when she was a teenager.

        Daughter was 15 when the AF and I got together, and as she grew out of her adolescence, the two of them have developed a good relationship.

        As for the original question:
        Originally posted by Menehune Man View Post
        How come there are sooo many problems with spouses or lovers accepting step-children?
        I think part of it is that it's common for people to dislike knowing details or seeing reminders of their partner's previous romantic entanglements, and in many cases, they see those children as solid, physical evidence that their partners were once involved with someone else - someone to whom they may be compared, maybe even negatively (especially if their own self-esteem is a little shaky.) They objectify the children and think of what their existence means to themselves, rather than concentrating on the child's needs and emotions. It's a type of selfishness - but it can be understandable.
        Last edited by Leo Lakio; July 16, 2007, 07:32 AM.

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        • #5
          Re: Step-children

          I think part of it is that it's common for people to dislike knowing details or seeing reminders of their partner's previous romantic entanglements, and in many cases, they see those children as solid, physical evidence that their partners were once involved with someone else
          I believe the reason may be simpler: the child is spoiled. Parents, especially single ones, don't see their children as spoiled when in fact they are. Many times it's the tug-of-war played by the child to get the most from both parents.

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          • #6
            Re: Step-children

            It should not matter if they are spoiled are not, they are children. You mold and shape them.

            Bradley was very spoiled when I came in, it didn't mean I could not accept or love him. We just had to make a plan that worked for all of us, which meant, I back my husband up and he backed me up and we agreed to never disagree in front of the children.

            If it is a 15 yr old spoiled brat, then ok I can see it being a problem, but children are children, they are shaped in the way you shape them.
            Since when is psycho a bad thing??
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            • #7
              Re: Step-children

              We both had daughters (born only six months apart) from our prior marriages. Having myself been a step-child, I had no difficulty in accepting her child as our own .... and vice-versa. The girls were just 4 and 5 a the time.

              Fortunately, grandparents, as well as uncles and aunts, on both sides readily accepted the new child into the fold. No favoritism.

              Both girls are now adults and revel in their sisterhood,as well as their younger siblings (another sister and a brother).
              Last edited by oceanpacific; July 16, 2007, 12:11 PM.

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              • #8
                Re: Step-children

                My girls, when still children, had a step-father on my side and a step-mother on their dad's side. Oh Lordy...where do I begin!!!

                Step-dad was great with the girls, even attending their school sporting events and parent-teacher nights. He accepted them and they accepted him. Things ran amuck when he took out on me (not the girls) his displeasure at me spending time with the girls. He was a very high maintenance kinda guy and wanted all of my attention focused on him. Needless to say, that marriage ended.

                Step-mom? What can I say!!! She made sure my kids' dad gave ALL of his attention to her and her 4 kids and zero to his own children and the way she went about it was extremely mean spirited. That was so painful to watch that I made the decision to move out of state with the girls...to Hawaii. That was the best decision I ever made. Oh...and the dad/step-mom marriage ended, too.

                My girls have not had good marriage role models in their lives...something I wish I could change but can't at this late date.

                Blue...I just don't understand, like you, how grandparents can have 3 grandkids with the same quantum family blood surging thru their veins and treat them differently. How does your husband handle this situation since they're his parents?

                Interesting thread.

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                • #9
                  Re: Step-children

                  Sue, well sometimes he says it is in my head but then his mother will do something very obvious and he will confront them.
                  She cries and says we are terrible and wrong.
                  Then she will treat them pretty balanced again for a bit but it always comes back.

                  I understand she feels Bradley needs extra love and attention because he was left by his mother. And at the root, that is why she does it.
                  So we try to just balance it out ourselves. Usually I take the brunt of it, she yells at me a lot. Says I am keeping him from her. Never my hubby, just me!! ALL ME! hehee

                  But in the end the kids will love grandma and feel loved, I can take the yelling and anger for now

                  It's not that she doesn't care at all for our kids, she just is very obvious about being favored. Bradley gets the great gifts and attention, my kids get yelled at and told they are brats and such, so I just monitor when we are near them to make sure. There have been a few times we have left their home because she has been screaming at my 4 yr old or 2 yr old, hubby tells her to watch what she does and we leave.
                  Never once have I heard her yell at Bradley, not once in 10 years now.
                  Since when is psycho a bad thing??
                  Sharing withother survivors...
                  www.supportandsurvive.org

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                  • #10
                    Re: Step-children

                    I am a stepfather to my three eldest boys, the youngest from age 14-months the oldest at age 8.

                    From the start I told them they will address me as Craig and not dad for one reason. Even though their father wasn't acting like one (now he is thankfully). I told them they have a father and that the honor of that namesake belongs to one person.

                    All of my stepsons are adults now and despite regular visits to their father, they all respect me as the father figure in their lives. The youngest boy is now a US Marine and he writes regularly to me, not his father.

                    One thing my wife and I did was not to let the children see the indifference that led to the divorce. I made sure the father and I communicated so the kids didn't feel like they were betraying their father vs their stepfather.

                    When they complained about "Dad" I told them that that decision was his and the children must listen to his words.

                    As a stepfather it was important to the stepchildren to know that there was respect among all adults. Children don't need the stress of seeing their parents fighting with each other. Two parents are bad enough but three or even four can make for a very traumatic childhood.

                    Parents both biological and step need to take the steps to ensure the children's childhood stays mentally healthy if they want to embrace their grandchildren.

                    This is why my youngest stepson Austin had a wonderful High School graduation here in Keaau when his father, his stepmother, his half brothers from his fathers remarriage, his father's grandparents, uncles, aunties and cousins all came over to my home and shared in his achievement with my parents, and my wife's mother (father passed away), her brothers and sisters and their children.

                    We as parents (all four of us) worked hard to ensure the children had a healthy childhood and the maturity of the four of us allowed this dysfunctional family of four generations from four distinct family backgrounds to come together and have a really great time as one big family.

                    My wife's ex-husband's mother sat down with my mother to talk story. That was the litmus test that helped cement the bonds of two matriarchs. The ex-husband's mom meeting the mother of the "home wrecker".

                    If you want step children to embrace the step parent, then that new parent must respect the child's right to respect their biological parent. Remember when a divorce occurs, the children are the most affected as they didn't divorce their parents.

                    You want to know how good the relationship is between us? My wife's ex-husband asked my wife to teach his new wife how to cook western food (she's from Indonesia). When we were in Honolulu visiting, my wife's ex-husband's sister volunteered to watch my biological children so we could go out for dinner together. That's how close we all are, but it took a concious effort on all of us to stay connected for the sake of the children. It paid off in the end.
                    Last edited by craigwatanabe; July 18, 2007, 12:19 PM.
                    Life is what you make of it...so please read the instructions carefully.

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                    • #11
                      Re: Step-children

                      Originally posted by craigwatanabe View Post
                      I am a stepfather to my three eldest boys, the youngest from age 14-months the oldest at age 8.

                      From the start I told them they will address me as Craig and not dad for one reason. Even though their father wasn't acting like one (now he is thankfully). I told them they have a father and that the honor of that namesake belongs to one person.

                      All of my stepsons are adults now and despite regular visits to their father, they all respect me as the father figure in their lives. The youngest boy is now a US Marine and he writes regularly to me, not his father.

                      One thing my wife and I did was not to let the children see the indifference that led to the divorce. I made sure the father and I communicated so the kids didn't feel like they were betraying their father vs their stepfather.

                      When they complained about "Dad" I told them that that decision was his and the children must listen to his words.

                      As a stepfather it was important to the stepchildren to know that there was respect among all adults. Children don't need the stress of seeing their parents fighting with each other. Two parents are bad enough but three or even four can make for a very traumatic childhood.

                      Parents both biological and step need to take the steps to ensure the children's childhood stays mentally healthy if they want to embrace their grandchildren.

                      This is why my youngest stepson Austin had a wonderful High School graduation here in Keaau when his father, his stepmother, his half brothers from his fathers remarriage, his father's grandparents, uncles, aunties and cousins all came over to my home and shared in his achievement with my parents, and my wife's mother (father passed away), her brothers and sisters and their children.

                      We as parents (all four of us) worked hard to ensure the children had a healthy childhood and the maturity of the four of us allowed this dysfunctional family of four generations from four distinct family backgrounds to come together and have a really great time as one big family.

                      My wife's ex-husband's mother sat down with my mother to talk story. That was the litmus test that helped cement the bonds of two matriarchs. The ex-husband's mom meeting the mother of the "home wrecker".

                      If you want step children to embrace the step parent, then that new parent must respect the child's right to respect their biological parent. Remember when a divorce occurs, the children are the most affected as they didn't divorce their parents.

                      You want to know how good the relationship is between us? My wife's ex-husband asked my wife to teach his new wife how to cook western food (she's from Indonesia). When we were in Honolulu visiting, my wife's ex-husband's sister volunteered to watch my biological children so we could go out for dinner together. That's how close we all are, but it took a concious effort on all of us to stay connected for the sake of the children. It paid off in the end.


                      Craig, I want to commend you for your course of action. All too often, we hear of situations of the so-called adults "talking stink" about the "ex-."

                      When my daughter entered Iolani in the seventh grade, she was "enrolled' in an after-school class with other kids of divorced and separated parents where they could discuss their situations in a free and open setting. She noted in her journal that she was glad to find out she was not alone and that her situation was unusual in that everyone got along: mom, dad, step-mom, step-sister, half-sister, and half-brother.

                      It was also unusual in that my wife has gone over to assist my ex-wife to set up her computer and resolve glitches. My wife also offered my ex the use of her car (they both drove the same model at the time) when it had to go into the shop. My wife also asked me to lend her ex-husband my car when his was in the body shop after an accident and I was going to be out of town a few days (I obliged).

                      Our daughters benefitted by the stability and mature attitudes we all displayed.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Step-children

                        Oh now the civility of adults is a whole other issue entirely! My step-family always treated me wonderfully, but my mother and my father are absolute enemies and more often than not I would get dragged into the rumble. I'm finally at the point where I can tell me mother I don't want to hear about it when she starts on my dad. I think the most hurtful thing ever was when my dad refused to pay for a plane ticket for me to visit him over Christmas because he was afraid my mom wouldn't drive me to the airport 'just to get back at him'.
                        Four Thousand Miles (blog) | MacRatLove (comic)
                        Better Holes and Garbage (rats) | Perfectly Inadequate (music)

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                        • #13
                          Re: Step-children

                          kudos to everyone here who has dealt with the whole split family/new spouse has chirren with his/her former spouse situation. it's been said too many times that children suffer for the motives of adults.

                          this may not answer MM's question directly, but MM's question made me think about something that pains me to this day, even years after the fact.

                          i had decided, when i broke up with my dickwipe ex, that i wouldn't get closely involved with the children of anyone i dated unless we found ourselves in "we're pretty much gonna get married" territory. my ex had a son by his previous GF, and bcs the previous GF was a drug addict, i'd developed a very close relationship with my ex's son (whom i'll call D) starting from when he was six months old til he was six. D and i became so close over the years that when we were at my ex's family outings, he would run to me first if he got hurt or was tired. i was there for his first words, first steps, first toilet poop--all of that. i couldn't have imagined loving a child who was biologically mine more than i already loved D.

                          one mother's day celebration with the ex's family, D, who was five, pulled on my hand. he asked me, "how come you're not my mommy?" i almost cried, bcs by then i knew his father and i wouldn't last much longer together. i took a deep breath, picked him up and said, "D, you have a mommy, remember? and i know you love her very much, and she really loves you, even if she can't be with you right now. so i can't be your mommy. but you will always be my most favorite little boy and i will always love you, no matter where you are or where i am." the ex, who was nearby and could hear every word, said nothing and did nothing.

                          given that D's mom is a drug addict and his father is abusive and now lives in europe (last i heard) and that D now lives with his maternal grandparents (the ex's own parents are military and move a lot), i feel guilty--as if i'm another in a string of people who have abandoned him or at least have been transient in his life. i can't imagine possibly having another child become attached to me or my becoming as attached to another child in the same way if i can't be fairly sure that his/her father and i will make a permanent, life-long thing out of it. it was really hard to get over that loss.

                          sooo...if lovers aren't quite warm to your child, it's not nec bcs your child is spoiled or bcs your date is self-centered. there might be much more to it than that.
                          superbia (pride), avaritia (greed), luxuria (lust), invidia (envy), gula (gluttony), ira (wrath) & acedia (sloth)--the seven deadly sins.

                          "when you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people i deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly..."--meditations, marcus aurelius (make sure you read the rest of the passage, ya lazy wankers!)

                          nothing humiliates like the truth.--me, in conversation w/mixedplatebroker re 3rd party, 2009-11-11, 1213

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                          • #14
                            Re: Step-children

                            Originally posted by sophielynette View Post
                            Oh now the civility of adults is a whole other issue entirely! My step-family always treated me wonderfully, but my mother and my father are absolute enemies and more often than not I would get dragged into the rumble. I'm finally at the point where I can tell me mother I don't want to hear about it when she starts on my dad. I think the most hurtful thing ever was when my dad refused to pay for a plane ticket for me to visit him over Christmas because he was afraid my mom wouldn't drive me to the airport 'just to get back at him'.
                            You offer a great inside view sophie.
                            We are dealing with the same thing right now, flying our son to oregon to see his bio mom and flying back.
                            I ended up just booking his tickets myself because she didn't after 3 months, and I must say my son was just thrilled!
                            Sometimes it is harder to put the child first and put aside the differencs of the adults.

                            My son's Bio mom and I get along pretty well, but her disdain for my hubby and his disdain for her gets in the way many days. So I do all the mediation and contact to avoid any conflict.

                            But we all do the best we can
                            I am glad you shared your side today, Thanks.
                            Since when is psycho a bad thing??
                            Sharing withother survivors...
                            www.supportandsurvive.org

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                            • #15
                              Re: Step-children

                              Thank you all for sharing!
                              Very heart touching... The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.

                              My own experience growing up? My dad was not my older brother's father. So I was treated like "The Golden Child" while he was treated with disdain. It got to the point where they stopped talking... ever again. My father never even once spoke to my brother's son! I saw what was going on and decided that I would never do that to anyone. And I haven't! I idealized my brother. Listened to 60's, early 70's rock and grew my hair halfway down my back, when others were cutting theirs for the Punk rock era.

                              And the beat goes on...
                              Life is either an adventure... or you're not doing it right!!!

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