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  • Helping Family

    If you have a question &/or answer (in general), please pass it on (for the next person). Serious Questions and Answer(s).

    Actually I do have a question...

    Sorry, have not been here in a while. We went on a long vacation.

    Any way, my personal question is..

    I have a cousin which I will change his name to "John Doe",

    Anyway, him & his wife ("Jane Doe") was married for a while (in short of a long story), now divorced (living in separate island).

    The wife calls me for help, & she was really crying & scared, & sounded real.

    So, I defended her (as a woman), & understood her fears. She stated that my cousin kept calling her & harrasing her etc.

    She wanted me to tell him to stop because he wouldn't listen to her anymore.

    I told her to not pick up the phone, & I told my cousin to not call her & to talk to her. Later it happened again (because his calls are blocked), & I told her, that if she is that scared to just change her land line & cell phone phone #.

    The next day, I talked to my cousin about what had happened, & what she said about him & he told me that she was just acting, & I felt like I was the bad guy in all of this.

    I felt like he thinks I didn't side with him, the fact that he's my cousin (& blood is suppose to be thicker than water etc.).

    I talked to my mom, & in short, I was also made to feel that I should have sided with my cousin.

    Maybe
    should have made her known: "that it can't be true on what she said about my cousin", & should have sided with him.

    Now, I feel like he (my cousin) still mad at me, & I should appolagize?

    I do love my cousin (one of many), but he has been in a hospital before, but now is out (limited with a time curfew), & it is easy for me to point figers at him, the fact that sometimes I think he is not working with a full deck, so to speak. (but I would trully like to feel that he is doing better).

    I don't want to give you the wrong impression of him, but I think is still not well, & have not worked out his own issues.

    Should I just move on? Not worry about it? is it all of his own doing?

    No matter what, I feel pretty bad that I sided with someone that is not my own family, but at that time, I felt that it was real!. I looked at it from a woman's point of view, & also saw her fears, I hope that she wasn't playing with my feelings (& that it was all a fake) just to side with her & to make my cousin mad at me etc.

    Yes maybe I shouldn't gotten involved, but, if there was a woman crying in fear, I just felt like I needed to help. If I declined to help, I would also feel bad that I didn't make a difference to help her out.

    What is anyone's thought in this???

    Maybe I shouldn't have picked up the phone at all??

    I'm sorry to put this on you, but It has really been bugging me & I don't know what to do about it.

    It short of it all, I'm wrong if I do (take action), I'm wrong (feel bad) if I don't. UGH!!!.

    By the way, she hasn't called back since the other day or so. I still feel like crap & junk!.
    Aches & Pains
    (through out our lives) knows no time!!.

  • #2
    Re: Q. And A.

    Serenity: Wow, that is a tough situation to be in. Only you know, deep in your heart, if you should apologize to your cousin or not. and it's not always a matter of whether you were right or wrong (that is, an apology doesn't necessarily mean you were wrong). I think you are a very caring person to try to help your cousin's former wife, especially since she is a former wife. It may be hard for you to do, but I hope someone suggests to your cousin's former wife to contact the Domestic Violence Clearinghouse and Legal Hotline.

    http://www.stoptheviolence.org/public/

    She does not have to be physically abused to get some help there. Harassment, if there is any, may cause mental or emotional abuse. At the very least, an impartial person can listen to her and try to help her figure out what, if anything, she needs to do and you can stay out of it if you want to.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Q. And A.

      It's difficult for me to tell what exactly your cousin did outside of harassing-type behavior, but I suppose if the relationship is over, that's good enough. I mean bad enough.

      You have to do what you think is right, and it's seldom wrong to stick to the high road. If your cousin's being a prick, call him on it. Say you love him and you'll be there for him, but not when it concerns behavior you cannot condone. Do NOT apologize for sticking up for someone you think is worth defending, but do apologize (because saying sorry is easy and powerful) for any tension this may cause.

      Stick to your guns, especially if someone needs your strength.
      But I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I GOT IT ALL! (George Costanza)
      GrouchyTeacher.com

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Q. And A.

        serenity, i would guess you had some sort of relationship with your cousin's ex before she became the ex. in other words, you have some idea as to her personality/credibility, etc. you also have some idea as to your cousin's personality/credibility.

        let your gut feelings, based on what you know about both of them, help you decide who was telling the truth, at least as best as you could ever understand what the truth between them could be.

        for the sake of your relationship with the family, maybe it is good if you are able to apologize for hurting/offending your cousin's/family's feelings. i agree with scriv and adri that you shouldn't apologize for doing what you thought was right, esp since the subject matter is possible abuse. nor should your family's unhappiness with you prevent you from continuing to do the right thing.

        i second adri's suggestion re domestic violence clearinghouse, etc.
        superbia (pride), avaritia (greed), luxuria (lust), invidia (envy), gula (gluttony), ira (wrath) & acedia (sloth)--the seven deadly sins.

        "when you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people i deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly..."--meditations, marcus aurelius (make sure you read the rest of the passage, ya lazy wankers!)

        nothing humiliates like the truth.--me, in conversation w/mixedplatebroker re 3rd party, 2009-11-11, 1213

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Helping Family

          It is nice to see an in-law show no favoritism. I think doing the right thing is the right thing no matter if it is blood or not. If everyone did this we would have healthier families in the long run.

          And remember doing the wrong thing is easy but doing the right thing (even in theory) is always harder!

          Don't beat yourself up listening to your instincts is a good thing. As far as apologizing if your heart is tugging at you listen!

          Good Luck and thank you for letting me share
          Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Helping Family

            There are always three sides to each story...his, hers, and the truth.
            http://thissmallfrenchtown.blogspot.com/
            http://thefrenchneighbor.blogspot.com/

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Helping Family

              Originally posted by SusieMisajon View Post
              There are always three sides to each story...his, hers, and the truth.
              Yes Mammm!
              Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Helping Family

                Serenity, I have btdt many times. If the lesson is supposed to be "mind your own business", I refuse to learn it.

                I have this book on my shelf:
                http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-Th.../dp/0425191656

                it is the best book on the subject I have ever read. I have given many copies of it away. Even if you don't get the book, read the reviews; the insight is compelling.

                In your shoes, I would lay the full-faced truth down to your cousin. This isn't about picking sides or butting in. This is about the ball being in his court. If he continues to harass her, you are now likely to be subpoenaed to testify about what you know of his behavior and actions. Be honest dude, and from family to family, cut that shit out. The data is already getting collected, no matter what anyone feels about it.

                For heaven's sake, do not apologize to him for getting involved or taking sides until he FIRST stops jeopardizing things with his behavior AND owns it.

                Throw your hands in the air and keep eye contact. You aren't invested in this. You are just stuck in it, when it all comes down to him.

                big hugs to you and please let us know how it goes…

                pax

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Helping Family

                  Hi Ladies & gentleman,

                  First of, I really would like to say how appreciative I am for all your supprt in all this, but I found out that, any information I may have or given to me to help my cousin out, wont help him out at all.

                  I have a friend who has helped me out with information for my cousin, & I even had on a piece of paper for him, & he still doesn't even look at it, and not take any of my advice.

                  He'll only do what he think is right for himself, & anybody else are wrong or messed in his own little world.

                  We tried to help him with keeping his stuff because he didn't have any storages, then he later looked at what he wanted to keep, & the rest was for donation. Thankgoodness. That atleast minized the stuff we had to keep for him. Now, We only receive his mail, that's it. I have been treated like crap from him. So, he claims he is moving to another island, which I am glad, so I hope he does so, so he could pick up the tote bag & the small lugage he has with us.

                  He just has a lot of negativity with him. I think he is still upset (& hasn't moved on!.), from the fact that when he asked for help to pay his cell phone (one time only), that my hubby said no, & he has been bitter towards him, ever since. He always tells me "not to listen to him" etc, I just roll my eyes, & let it roll over my back, cuz I am hopping that he does move out to another Island.

                  I am not sorry about what I said, & I don't care if he is related to me. Personally, I miss the really nice side to him, but I don't think that side will ever come back, unless he either wakes up and smell the coffee, which is never, or perhaps he'll be commited again, & that wont be me that's for sure. Perosnally, I don't care if the whole entire world sees & reads this.

                  This is NOT that personal to me to hide it, much less. Well, I atleast I still have some kind of hope, even if it is just one to two percent that he'll get better.

                  Maybe he'll be like a bottle of whine. With age, he'll get better. I hope. Well, thanks again. Everybody.

                  Aloha.
                  Aches & Pains
                  (through out our lives) knows no time!!.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Helping Family

                    Originally posted by Serenity View Post
                    Maybe he'll be like a bottle of whine.
                    Probably more than you realize...

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Helping Family

                      Originally posted by Serenity View Post


                      He'll only do what he think is right for himself, & anybody else are wrong or messed in his own little world.

                      This is NOT that personal to me to hide it, much less.
                      Oh, I forgot to mention that, he (my cousin) woke me up early in the day (and decided to just show up) while I was asleep to take care of his junk as he continued to treat me like crap. He also didn't call me in advance to let me know that he was coming over to take care of his junk. At the end of the day when he was finished, he aked for an orange juice, so I gve it to him. Then he said "well, (as he was nearing the door to go out), thanks for the breakfast". He left. He made me feel like crap. So I talked to my mom, asked her if I should have made something to eat for the him and I. I also mentioned that my cousin came un anounced, too.

                      My mom said that I wasn't obligated to cook for him. I was also thinking, well, he has his food stamps and social security etc. to help him with his finance problem and food aswell, so I didn't cook for for him, and only did so for myself, after he was gone.

                      I figured, if he did call in advance (the first time), to make arrangemnents etc., I probably would have made him something to eat, or orderd something for us. but, he didn't call.

                      Then he called recently, and still continuing to treat me like crap over the phone. He said he was going to pick up his junk, I told him to pick it up after
                      8 PM. He argued with me about the last time he came un announced, and I told him that he should have called. He said that since we were cousins that he didn't have to call at all, etc. I told him that, I tell that to everyone, to call first before coming over. Then said that "he thought he could count on me, evidently not", then he hung up on me .

                      Oh, he never even showed up like he said he would. Good thing too, because it is raining heavily.

                      Do I have every right to tell him to call first and not have him come un announced? Other than him being related, I should treat him special ?? and just say it's ok, come over when ever he wanted??

                      I think he should treat me more with respect and be thankful towards us for trying to help him out.

                      I even told him it was ok to have his mail sent to our home mailbox. GAWD!.

                      I think that the reaon why his sister, my uncle, my mom, and I are all getting tired of him, is because, we try to help him the best we can (the best we all could in the past), and it seems like all we get back from him is a middle finger,and without an "appreciation and a thank you for helping me out, etc".

                      I am just hopping that it is not because of all the drugs that he has taken through out his life that, it has been affecting him in his way of thinking, and the reasons why he is acting the way he is now towards me.

                      The only time that he has ever been nice to my hubby and I, was when he was commited in an instution and/or in a hospital etc.

                      (I don't want to be the one to call to have him institutionalized and back to the hospital again, because I don't want to be blamed from his sister or from my cousin or who ever in my family that he ended up being back there again.)

                      We tried to visit him then, when we could.

                      Now, he acts like a different person (when he is out and about on his own). SIGH!!.

                      What's your thought in all of this? Just curious.

                      Aloha.
                      Aches & Pains
                      (through out our lives) knows no time!!.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Helping Family

                        A bullet to the brain can put each and every one of us out of our misery. Barring that, carry on.
                        May I always be found beneath your contempt.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Helping Family

                          Originally posted by Serenity View Post
                          [...] He made me feel like crap. [...]
                          He can't make you feel like crap, Serenity. You allowed him to push your buttons. How you react to his negative behavior is your responsibility.
                          My mom said that I wasn't obligated to cook for him.[...]
                          Your mom is 100% right.
                          Then he called recently, and still continuing to treat me like crap over the phone.[...]
                          Why did you allow him to continue his negative behavior? Hanging up works both ways...after you interject that you will hang up due to his negative behavior/verbal abuse/whatever he's doing. Do you have caller ID? If so, use it! Don't answer the phone when you know it's your cousin.
                          Oh, he never even showed up like he said he would. Good thing too, because it is raining heavily.
                          That's probably why he was a no-show.
                          Do I have every right to tell him to call first and not have him come un announced? Other than him being related, I should treat him special ?? and just say it's ok, come over when ever he wanted??
                          You shouldn't have to ask anyone that question. Who is paying the rent or mortgage for your home? Is it your cousin? I didn't think so. You have house rules that are important to you. Stand up for yourself and your home. Stop allowing this cousin to have power over you.
                          I think he should treat me more with respect and be thankful towards us for trying to help him out.
                          Of course he should but he's not and he won't as long as you continue to allow him to mistreat you.
                          I even told him it was ok to have his mail sent to our home mailbox. GAWD!.
                          GAWD, indeed. There you go, keeping the door open for even more abusive behavior. The word for your behavior is "enabling".
                          I think that the reaon why his sister, my uncle, my mom, and I are all getting tired of him, is because, we try to help him the best we can (the best we all could in the past), and it seems like all we get back from him is a middle finger,and without an "appreciation and a thank you for helping me out, etc".
                          Seems like? According to your posts negative behavior IS all you're getting back.
                          I am just hopping that it is not because of all the drugs that he has taken through out his life that, it has been affecting him in his way of thinking, and the reasons why he is acting the way he is now towards me.
                          Only a trained professional would be able to diagnose that possibility. You're no match for drugs. It's time to take care of yourself.
                          [...](I don't want to be the one to call to have him institutionalized and back to the hospital again, because I don't want to be blamed from his sister or from my cousin or who ever in my family that he ended up being back there again.)
                          Then let his sister be the "victim" while you extricate yourself from something you're contributing to.

                          Serenity, you have choices in this matter. Tough choices, admittedly, but choices nonetheless. You're currently choosing to let your cousin play you like a fiddle. Stand up for what you know is right for you and your hubby. There's nothing in the non-existent "Family 101" manual that says you MUST put up with this kind of an abusive relative. I realize cousin has drug problems and has been hospitalized in the past. But there comes a time when enough is enough. This cousin of yours could be the twin of a relative of mine. Everyone of my family members eventually had enough. I was the first to pull the proverbial plug...10 years before anyone else did. They're still angry at him for "what he did to them". What HE did? As I mentioned at the beginning of this post...it's what they ALLOWED him to do. Relative now understands that he can no longer get anything from any of us nor can he push any buttons. He stopped...and disappeared into thin air. And, ya know what? That's ok because all he wanted from any of the family was what ever he could get. All take...no give. And when the take ended he moved on to...who knows. And for the rest of us? PEACE! It just wasn't our job to try to heal someone who didn't want to be healed.

                          'Nuff said...

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Helping Family

                            Well said, Tutusue. You pretty much mentioned everything I was thinking.


                            Hey there, Serenity. Family is so tough to deal with. I bet you feel so trapped

                            Your cousin knows how to push your buttons (especially the guilt one), to get what he wants. Not only you, but the rest of your family. I bet he's good at playing you folks against each other. It's hard for one of you to be strong if the others cave in to your cousin's unreasonable demands.

                            As Tutusue mentioned, you and your family are "enablers" for your cousin's behavior. He won't change. You folks need to change first.

                            The first step in changing your own behavior is to be more aware of your emotional buttons and how your cousin uses them. Whenever you feel guilty, start asking yourself why you feel that way. Think about the details of what happened and pay attention to how you responded. In fact you're already doing this by posting this thread. Good for you.

                            In addition to guilt, another big emotion you're feeling is fear. You need to ask yourself what you're afraid of. Are you afraid he might die if you turn your back on him? Are you afraid the rest of your family will talk stink about you? Are you afraid he'll physically harm you and your hubby if you don't please him? Deep down do you wish he'd just die already, but you feel too guilty to admit it?

                            As you do this, don't beat yourself up for being weak with your cousin. Life is tough and we all stumble through it. Cut yourself a lot of slack. It might help to imagine yourself as a child. Give yourself the same love you would give to a child who is hurt and afraid.


                            If you have cable TV, check out the show "Intervention" on A&E. If you have high speed internet, you can watch an episode on their website. It will help you to see other families going through something similar to what you're going through.


                            Good luck and best wishes to you.
                            "By concealing your desires, you may trick people into being cruel about the wrong thing." --Steven Aylett, Fain the Sorcerer
                            "You gotta get me to the tall corn." --David Mamet, Spartan
                            "
                            Amateurs talk technology, professionals talk conditions." --(unknown)

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Helping Family

                              Thanks so much for the supprt , I have to study all the way through the 23rd, becuse I have a test I have to take, in short, if I don't pass it, I will have to take the class again.

                              My cousin came by late morning Friday, and wanted to take a shower, supposodly have some kind of nice dinner to go to, and he said supposidly he would come by to pick up his junk today (Saturday), I'll wait and study. My hubby said that if he doesn't comeby to pck it up at a set date, then he would donate his junk.

                              I'll post up the update (later sometime) when I finish my test.

                              Wish me luck, because I really need all the luck I can get.

                              I hope that God & Jesus Crist will be there giving (or whispering) me the anwers, I am so desperate. lol. .

                              Aloha. :-)
                              Aches & Pains
                              (through out our lives) knows no time!!.

                              Comment

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