Spouse vs Family

[Serenity]

ok, here is my short of long story that becomes a question...

If your family (or someone in your family), is givng your spouse grief,
would you side with your family, or side with your spouse?

who is the most important first & formost in your life??

personally, I think my hubby should side with me as I have been siding with him from the grief I have been getting from some parts of my family (NOT to say that they are all bad, just some them are).

I always thought of him as first & formost (in my life), irregardless if I was working or not.

Or, if I had a friend(s) or family member(s) who disliked him, I would say who cares, I would still side with my spouse, because he is my husband, lover, & best friend .

Am I in the wrong here? &/or what would you do?

How do you feel?

I just feel kinda down right now, cuz, his half sister off & on uses me as her (mental) punching bag, cuz thats how she was treated in her past, & she has a heart conditon that I can't speak my mind kindly to her because I know I would be just getting mad, so I asked my hubby to speak to her for me.

Personaly, I don't give a hoot right now if this is on the internet & the whole entire world can probably read this!!.

I just need a lot of feed back, to let me know if I am wrong or write or how do you feel about it, & what would you do etc.

From yours truly .

[Adri]

Re: Spouse ~vs~ Family..

I think your spouse should be supportive of you but that's not the same thing as always having to think you are right. If there is a specific issue, I guess it would depend on the issue (although, again, I think your spouse should always be supportive of you). If it's a pattern of someone being unkind, rude or abusive to you then I think he should definitely side with you. I think it's kind of you to be concerned about her heart condition and to still try to find a way to resolve this.

[Serenity]

Re: Spouse ~vs~ Family..

I think your spouse should be supportive of you but that's not the same thing as always having to think you are right. If there is a specific issue, I guess it would depend on the issue (although, again, I think your spouse should always be supportive of you). If it's a pattern of someone being unkind, rude or abusive to you then I think he should definitely side with you. I think it's kind of you to be concerned about her heart condition and to still try to find a way to resolve this.

Thank you for the quick respons , yes, you are right about the fact that, I am NOT always right, situation .

I just hope that by my hubby talking to her, that it can be resolved some how. I.E. next time she needs a punching bag, & need to say something to me, she should just talk to my hubby, & relate it back to me, or he can help her with what ever issue it is that she may find fault of me next time .

Thanks again. :-)

Wasn't sure if anyone else would be up with me this late.

[Serenity]

Re: Spouse vs Family

Feb. 01, 2009 Sunday 11:10 PM,

SIGH , since my hubby is asleep at this point, & nothing can be done & nothing can become of it at this moment, & I am too bumed,pissed, etc..
to get some sleep, I think I will hang out in yoville just to get my mind off of this stress!!.

Then I'll head to bed after.

Nite nite.

I'll try check back again, & reply back.

Ciao, Aloha, nite nite.

From yours truly .

[oceanpacific]

Re: Spouse vs Family

Being that my spouse is part of my primary IMMEDIATE family group, I will be supportive of her in such disputes. That being said, I am fortunate that these types of conflicts have NEVER happened to us in all these decades. Everyone gets along.

[SusieMisajon]

Re: Spouse vs Family

To Hell with them all.

[matapule]

Re: Spouse vs Family

Serenita (means little mermaid in Spanish) this is question that no one can answer on HT. I sense a lot of issues here that are so personal and private that the whole story cannot be told on HT. These family relation issues can be devastating to your marriage. Often times, it is a matter of everyone being a little bit at fault. You are putting your husband in a "lose/lose" situation. You are asking him to come down on one side or the other and that is not a good choice for him.

It appears that this is really bothering you. I urge you to seek professional counseling for you and your husband so that you can both be completely honest with an impartial third party counselor. The counselor will probably want to see you both individually and together. You will stand a good chance of resolving the issues and can continue on a long happy marriage.

Matapule, with 43 years of marriage and not everyone one of them has been easy, has given you his best advice. Go forth my daughter and
blessed be.

[timkona]

Re: Spouse vs Family

I've always gone with a "cut em off" attitude. The coldest shoulder is the one that gets the point across the best.

So if she comes over, leave, or go upstairs. If she calls, don't answer. If she talks, walk away, without a word. And when the hubby says something, explain to him nicely that she has been "cut off".

[Nords]

Re: Spouse vs Family

From all you've posted about your extended family, Serenity, I think you need a new one. You might need a different poster name, too.

I always support my spouse and I can count on her to support me. But more importantly, I can count on her to tell me the truth no matter how much I don't want to hear it. And I can count on her to help me disengage from battles that aren't worth getting involved in.

Her parents are so intrusive & controlling that it's taken us months to recover from being around them, even though they left the islands nearly two years ago. OTOH my family is so distant that I only hear from them a couple times a year. We both envy aspects of each other's families even though we're unhappy with our situations. So we've decided that the best solution is to create a new family and new traditions, starting with the two of us and our kid...

[matapule]

Re: Spouse vs Family

I've always gone with a "cut em off" attitude. The coldest shoulder is the one that gets the point across the best.

Matapule would NEVER recommend that course of action. Very self destructive and counterproductive.

[Serenity]

Re: Spouse vs Family

My hubby said that he called his sister on his cell phone, she said she was sorry. So I asked what exactly he talked about with her (I wanted to make sure if he talked to her about what him & I talked about before he went to sleep),

All he said was, he couldn't remember the exact conversation, but it was in short, that he told her that I was so upset & crying, & wondered why she had so much disdain against me, as I was trying to reach out, he said that she got quiet for a moment, & was apologetic.

I guess, I can accept it, but that wasn't the point to he whole entire thing on how I was feeling last night, I was infact hurt, upset & crying, cuz she causes me so much grief when she can in any oppurtunty she can, and I wanted her to stop doing that to me!!.

That I wanted him to get my point accross, not the short end of it, but what ever I guess.

I think if we were to seek somekind of counseling, that the doctor would probably have her come in, & I don't think she would have time to much less come in, cuz she is way too busy for anything else, so it would be just as good as if my hubby & I tried to work out our differences ourselves, plus we don't have to spend anything extra too (while we work it out ourselves).

We can't afford it any way, with just him working & paying all the bills while I am trying to go to school (getting a diploma). I am not the type to manage more than one at a time.

NO, I'm NOT making all those up just to make excuses, they are all true.

I'm sorry Matapule, but between you Matapule & Adri, I would have to side with Adri's point of view here more, no offense, but thank you for your reply & point of view in trying to help out .

In My marriage, I think it should be a 50/50, I worked so hard in this, that I feel he should too. I sided with him in regards to my cousin, I didn't have to, but I did. I expect the same of him too.

I could have just said (long ago to my hubby), that, up yours, I am going to side with my cousin & not you etc etc, but I didn't.

I think in a marriage, the two should work together side by side irrigardless.

Heck, if (on a hypothetictal note), that my mom said something about my hubby (that's not good), I would still have to side with him, that's how I am.

I pretty much 90% I get along with his family; his mom liked me (before she passed away), his dad likes me, his brother (with his wife & 2 kids) likes me, his older brothers (before the two passed away) liked me.

Just his sister (or 1/2 sister) is questionable sometimes. Don't know why, I haven't done &/or said anything to offend her, I just try to get along.

So, why couldn't she accept me like everyone else has?.

I think she is the one who needs the profesional help, & needs to seek out her own issues, NOT using me as her punching bag, is NOT the way to resolve her own issues. I think that's abbuse !!.

What do you think, Matapule?.

Plus my hubby & I ALWAYS have been truthful to each other no matter what :-).

I learned that from my last marriage too.

[Serenity]

Re: Spouse vs Family

From all you've posted about your extended family, Serenity, I think you need a new one. You might need a different poster name, too.

I always support my spouse and I can count on her to support me. But more importantly, I can count on her to tell me the truth no matter how much I don't want to hear it. And I can count on her to help me disengage from battles that aren't worth getting involved in.

Her parents are so intrusive & controlling that it's taken us months to recover from being around them, even though they left the islands nearly two years ago. OTOH my family is so distant that I only hear from them a couple times a year. We both envy aspects of each other's families even though we're unhappy with our situations. So we've decided that the best solution is to create a new family and new traditions, starting with the two of us and our kid...

Thank you for thoughts & comments ,

I really wish that my hubby & I could just move to the mainland & I think we truly can be happy, but we can't, until his dad is still alive, & he needs his dad, & his dad needs him .

(he has 1 dad, 1 sister (half sister), & a brother that's still alive)

(his mom & other 2 brothers passed away)

As far as having a different poster name, well...

I try to be serene, but, it's NOT always easy. Is it easy for you to be carefree, stress free?, no hardship with other people?? WOW!! I wish I can have that life!!. That would be perfect for me.

I think as far as I know 90% of the time that he has been supportive of me while I try to be 100% suportive of him. the 10% part, I don't know sometimes (due to him & his sister).

All I can say is, on your part & your situation, is that, I am very sorry about her parents being so "intrusive & controlling" .

I don't have that now in my situation (now my 2nd marriage), but I did in my last one, that's how come my last mariage didn't work out, so I left. (it was 7.5 years that I tried, & nothing became of it).

Thanks again .

Aloha.

[tutusue]

Re: Spouse vs Family

[...]she causes me so much grief when she can in any oppurtunty she can, and I wanted her to stop doing that to me!!.
[...]

Here ya go again, Serenity. You're making yourself the victim. You're s-i-l can't cause you grief unless you allow her to. Why do you give her that kind of power over you?

I think if we were to seek somekind of counseling, that the doctor would probably have her come in, & I don't think she would have time to much less come in, cuz she is way too busy for anything else, so it would be just as good as if my hubby & I tried to work out our differences ourselves, plus we don't have to spend anything extra too (while we work it out ourselves).
[...]

I highly doubt the doctor would have your s-i-l come in to your appointments. What good counseling will do is arm you with "tools" that will help you to not continually give over your power to someone else...IOW, teach you more positive ways to react to negative situations. And, I don't mean a hammer or a baseball bat! Your many posts about family problems indicate that spending money on counseling for you and your husband might be money well spent. Again, a counselor will arm you both with "tools" that will enable the 2 of you to help one another thru troubling times. HawaiiThreads can't do that. The members here can't solve your problems.

In My marriage, I think it should be a 50/50,
[...]

I'd aim for 100/100...

I think she is the one who needs the profesional help, & needs to seek out her own issues, NOT using me as her punching bag, is NOT the way to resolve her own issues. I think that's abbuse !!.
[...]

I agree that your s-i-l could probably use some professional help, too. But that's not the issue here. What is the issue? Your reaction to how she treats you.

I really wish that my hubby & I could just move to the mainland & I think we truly can be happy,
[...]

That's just running away from your problems. If you don't take the initiative to solve them, those problems will just follow you wherever you go. Really.

I try to be serene, but, it's NOT always easy. Is it easy for you to be carefree, stress free?, no hardship with other people?? WOW!! I wish I can have that life!!. That would be perfect for me.
[...]

No one's life is stress free, Serenity, but the stress can be reduced by learning how NOT to be the victim. In family issues such as yours, becoming the victim is a choice you make. A counselor will show you why and also show you what to do about it. Might your Kaiser health plan allow for some counseling?

[Serenity]

Re: Spouse vs Family

I may be pulling this out of thin air, but..

I just came to realization...

I was just talking to my mom,..

& it suddenly dawned on me that MAYBE she is jelouse, &/or jelouse of me, cuz I am slender, & I love my hubby very much, we don't have kids & that his sister & her 2 (grown) kids are also heavy set.

That her 2 kids tries to take advantage of her (that I see), & that she just supports them, while as they don't have motivation to get a job &/or to stay in one.

That maybe she tries to attack me, make me feel like crap, etc. (make me her punching bag).

Cuz, one time, last (recently) christmas party 2008, her & her cousin (her cousin was just visiting) was making fun of me (& I did tell my hubby how I felt afterwards on our way home).

So, she tries to hurt ime in any way &/or fashion at any point of time when she can.

Am I pulling this out of thin air? or do you think she may just be jeloues of me?. what do you think? & what's your thoughts in this?

[tutusue]

Re: Spouse vs Family

I've always gone with a "cut em off" attitude. The coldest shoulder is the one that gets the point across the best.

So if she comes over, leave, or go upstairs. If she calls, don't answer. If she talks, walk away, without a word. And when the hubby says something, explain to him nicely that she has been "cut off".

Matapule would NEVER recommend that course of action. Very self destructive and counterproductive.

Ah, but tutusue would...if the situation happened a 2nd time. It's not often I agree with TK and I'm not saying I totally agree with him on this. It would depend on the situation. And I'd probably substitute "unwilling" for "coldest". First time shame on perpetrator...2nd time shame on me!!!

Not playing into someone's dysfunctional behavior by calmly walking away from it is one way to not become a victim while still taking the high road. It's one of the "tools" mentioned in my previous post. To my way of thinking it's usually advisable to take that high road thereby not lowering oneself to the level of the perpetrator. That becomes a lose-lose situation which Serenity appears to be in.

Just my 2¢...