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  • My mom passed away, and I need some advice

    My mom died (on my daughter's birthday no less) from a stroke she suffered earlier in the week. I'm doing ok, so I've been focusing on helping my dad with their affairs. There's quite a lot of details to worry about, and I'd appreciate any advice you have to offer.


    1) I need to choose a mortuary to have my mom cremated at. Have you had a good experience with any place in particular? Any bad experiences (no need to go into details)?

    Basically my dad heard from someone who heard from someone else that some places cremate bodies together and mix up all the ashes, so he's terrified that will happen to my mom. He wants to witness the cremation himself, but I doubt any place does that.


    2) We'll need to find a lawyer to help with estate planning (wills, trusts, power of attorney, etc.) Any recommendations? Which organizations do we call to make sure an attorney is in good standing?


    3) We might need a medical malpractice lawyer. My dad might just be going through an angry phase of grief, but in case he's still serious, we might need to find one.


    4) Do you know which bereavement resources are available? My wife and I are doing ok, and I think we've done an ok job telling the girls, who we'll keep an eye out on. My dad's a bigger concern. He's the strong on the outside type, but very dependent on my mom. So far he hasn't sunk into deep despair; he's focusing on me and the grandchildren. I'll have to keep an eye out on him too.


    If you don't have any advice, but just want to share your own story, I'd appreciate hearing that too. Anything will help.

    Thanks in advance,
    MJ
    "By concealing your desires, you may trick people into being cruel about the wrong thing." --Steven Aylett, Fain the Sorcerer
    "You gotta get me to the tall corn." --David Mamet, Spartan
    "
    Amateurs talk technology, professionals talk conditions." --(unknown)

  • #2
    Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

    Oh man MJ my hearfelt condolences go out to you, my dad just passed away this past August 29th, one day before his 93rd birthday so I do understand the significance of the day she passed away.

    First of all was there any trust set up for her estate and your parents estate as a joint trust? If so most individual trusts will spill over into the survivor's trust and the joint trust will remain intact. It depends on the wording of the trust but that's pretty much standard.

    If no trust, then expect probate to handle the will and that could take a long time. Hopefully your parents set up trusts for themselves and their marriage.

    Talk to Rowen Young. He's a good trust attorney in the Ala Moana professional bldg on Kapiolani BLVD.

    Borthwick and Hosoi have been excellent places for mortuary services and can help you with burial services as well.

    As for mixing up ashes, there's absolutely no way ashes can be totally separated from the crematorium. You'll be presented with a disclaimer from any crematorium indicating they will try their best to remove all of your mother's ashes but there will be some mixing of ashes (albeit very small) from previous cremations. It's a given and cannot be avoided.

    If you feel malpractice was at fault for your mother's death be sure you get all the facts. Yes anger is a part of of the emotional rollercoaster and to be expected, however it is not the time to lash out at the hospital or doctor at that time. Let those emotions settle (and they will) before considering legal action. Remember loser pays all court and attorney fees.

    I'm surprised Hospice hawaii hasn't contacted you. If not they are a good resource for these kinds of situations. If your mother was a US veteran, the Veteran's Administration offers counciling as well. Check out Hospice Hawaii they are good.

    Talking about your Mom is a good thing. When my dad was in the hospital after suffering a stroke, I kept a blogsite to write down my thoughts and activities as he endured his last days and weeks at Hilo Medical Center. I documented every moment I was there with text, pictures and video. It kept me from plunging into the deep end of anguish after losing my father. Here's my blogsite that I let anyone read depicting my father's stroke. It's in reverse chronology so you'll have to go back three pages to see the beginning.

    Please read it and let me know if you felt any of these emotions and feelings while your mother was being treated right up to her passing.

    If I can be of any help please let me help you thru this period. It's still fresh in my mind and I still sometimes wish my dad was alive. I miss him dearly and I'm sure you miss your mother as much.

    Just be aware that your father will go thru this phase of anger and will lash out at more than just the medical staff. He will lash out at you and the rest of your family. Some of it will be based on who supported your mother and who didn't. It will be heartwrenching to listen to it but just remember it's raw emotion and just let him vent it without lashing back at him. Now is the time to be extremely patient with your father and let him vent.

    Paperwork will be the headache in the aftermath. Make sure you have death certificates in hand before attempting to collect on life insurance policies. Make sure you let Social Security know of your mom's passing if she was collecting it. Same goes for pension plans.

    If you were planning on Medicaid by preserving their assets in a trust, be warned that Medicaid considers the cash value of Whole Life Insurance Policies and Annuities as assets if that trust was irrevocable during her life.

    Lots to digest at this point. I'm going thru this legal paperwork right now and am slowly understanding and getting thru this mess. I can help you thru my experiences. Let me know and please read my blogsite.
    Last edited by craigwatanabe; October 24, 2009, 04:52 PM.
    Life is what you make of it...so please read the instructions carefully.

    Comment


    • #3
      Sad for you, MJ

      Originally posted by MyopicJoe View Post
      I'm doing ok
      When I went thru this I too was 'fine' for a week, then as circumstances dictated not letting me get past it, it stated overwhelming me. It took a year before I was able to function well again. The day it ended was an intense moment.

      Don't let the grieving stage be taken for granted, it can catch later up and kick your ass. Mine wasn't totally about my mom as much as missing friends from the old days, etc., just be aware.
      https://www.facebook.com/Bobby-Ingan...5875444640256/

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Sad for you, MJ

        Originally posted by Ron Whitfield View Post
        When I went thru this I too was 'fine' for a week, then as circumstances dictated not letting me get past it, it stated overwhelming me. It took a year before I was able to function well again. The day it ended was an intense moment.

        Don't let the grieving stage be taken for granted, it can catch later up and kick your ass. Mine wasn't totally about my mom as much as missing friends from the old days, etc., just be aware.
        That is sound advice, sometimes we think we've kicked the emotion but all it takes is a scent, a familiar place, even an anniversary to bring it all back. Be prepared and keep talking about your mom, visit her grave as often as you can and don't forget her memory. Eventually you will live without her but those memories will stay with you and not sneek up on you unexpectedly.
        Life is what you make of it...so please read the instructions carefully.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

          Originally posted by MyopicJoe View Post
          My mom died (on my daughter's birthday no less) from a stroke she suffered earlier in the week. I'm doing ok, so I've been focusing on helping my dad with their affairs. There's quite a lot of details to worry about, and I'd appreciate any advice you have to offer.
          Oh dear. I'm so, so sorry to hear your sad news, MJ. My condolences. I know you're "doing ok" but allow yourself plenty of time to grieve once the immediacy of the situation is pau.
          1) I need to choose a mortuary to have my mom cremated at. Have you had a good experience with any place in particular? Any bad experiences (no need to go into details)?
          My only experience was with Moanalua Mortuary (833-8811). IIRC, Diane Ako's husband owns it. Someone, please correct me if I'm wrong. Anyway, I have no complaints.
          Basically my dad heard from someone who heard from someone else that some places cremate bodies together and mix up all the ashes, so he's terrified that will happen to my mom. He wants to witness the cremation himself, but I doubt any place does that.
          Be sure to bring that up with the mortuaries you contact.
          2) We'll need to find a lawyer to help with estate planning (wills, trusts, power of attorney, etc.) Any recommendations? Which organizations do we call to make sure an attorney is in good standing?
          I've used and recommended Gaye Chun Dickey (550-8400). I like her alot.
          3) We might need a medical malpractice lawyer. My dad might just be going through an angry phase of grief, but in case he's still serious, we might need to find one.
          Rick Fried (524-1433). I've not needed to use him but he's the person I'd go to if I had to. Good malpractice attorneys tend to work on contingency fees and tend not to take cases they're reasonably sure they can't win.
          4) Do you know which bereavement resources are available? My wife and I are doing ok, and I think we've done an ok job telling the girls, who we'll keep an eye out on. My dad's a bigger concern. He's the strong on the outside type, but very dependent on my mom. So far he hasn't sunk into deep despair; he's focusing on me and the grandchildren. I'll have to keep an eye out on him too.
          Again, once the immediacy of what needs to be done is over, that's when the reality starts to set in. Are you looking for group bereavement resources or more one-on-one counseling?
          If you don't have any advice, but just want to share your own story, I'd appreciate hearing that too. Anything will help.
          As trite as this might sound...time is your greatest healer...and tears cleanse the soul. So does talking about your loss. I dealt with the loss of my dad by setting up a blog in his memory and recounting funny stories (there are plenty) and wonderful memories (an overabundance!). Each member of your family will probably find his or her own way to deal with the loss. The important thing to remember is they all have to deal with the reality of it.

          Again, my condolences, MJ. You have lotsa cyber-shoulders here on HT. Don't hesitate, 'kay?

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

            Oh, my condolences to you and your family. My father-in-law died on 10/16
            so we are going through the same thing. I would suggest you check out AARP
            their website has lots of helpful advice on what to do at this difficult time.
            They even offer articles relating to how to handle grief/anger and all the
            emotions you will experience.

            I'm sorry I can't help with some of your other questions. Take care and
            know that everyone will keep you in their thoughts and prayers.
            Mekealoha Pumehana - "Leash"

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

              My advice is to cry and grieve the rest of the things will take care of themselves. Don't worry at this time about solicitors, instead think about your own heart.
              Also have a little chuckle about the times you had and celebrate her life not mourn her passing away. Every time you close your eyes, she will be with you.
              Last edited by Barry; October 24, 2009, 05:25 PM.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

                *hugs*

                My condolences MJ.

                Gotta agree with everybody so far, time will be the healer if you let yourself deal with things as they come up.

                My girls each delt with the death of my Mom differently. The oldest would get hit hard with memories out of the blue every so often for a month or two and totally relive the initial days of hard grief when she found out Grandma had passed. But she has issues with memory and sometimes things get locked in a loop for her.

                My youngest who was super close to Grandma had the toughest time. She developed severe separation anxiety, she needed to have me sleep with her and at times she couldn't go to school or got physically ill if she couldn't at least talk on the phone with me if she was hit with an attack at school. She over it now and is fine with going out with friends or spending the night some place, she just had to take it slow and do lots of talking it out. In fact that's still a ritual she hasn't quite let go of yet, she has to talk to me and tell all about her day before she goes to sleep...even if she's already told me most of it.

                They both recall days with Grandma now without breaking down each time (they still do sometimes but it's farther apart) and they can laugh at the silly stuff they remember....'cause my mom was weird....but it's taken almost 3 years to get there.

                So watch your kids and work with them through how they deal with their grief, each will deal in their own way. And each way is ok, there's no wrong way to be sad.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

                  I understand what you mean, Barry, but unfortunately there are deadlines involved with death. Horrible to think of it that way but it's true. The survivors are most vulnerable in the weeks and months following a passing but they still have to take care of what I call "the business of death". Mortuary and estate being at the top of the list because those 2 just won't take care of themselves.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

                    My condolences, MJ. Try to stay positive, and remember the good times. And yes, take care of business. You're getting some good advice and leads here already, so just know that you're in our thoughts and prayers.
                    .
                    .

                    That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

                      MyopicJoe: I am so so sorry for your loss. You can check the standing of any lawyer licensed in Hawaii with the Bar Association

                      http://www.hsba.org/

                      Type the person's name in the blank next to Search Membership Directory and click on Search Membership Directory. That should pull up the person's name, contact information and license status (active, inactive)

                      It's good if you can find a lawyer to consult regarding settling your mom's estate and regarding possible malpractice from people who have used and are satisfied with the lawyers. However, you can also check the Lawyer Referral & Information Service

                      http://www.hsba.org/findlawyer.aspx

                      You can also check with the Office of Disciplinary Counsel to see if there have been complaints filed against a lawyer
                      http://www.courts.state.hi.us/page_s...23C8B8587.html

                      I agree that you and your family should take some time to make sure you really want to do it before deciding to sue for malpractice but you should consult with a lawyer fairly quickly both regarding what may be involved in settling your mom's estate and for the possible malpractice to be sure you do not miss any deadlines or statutes of limitation.

                      If your mom died at a hospital or was receiving medical services in connection with a hospital, perhaps the hospital may offer grief counseling services or support groups.

                      Everyone grieves in their own way. Some people need space alone, even from their loved ones. Some people need to not be alone at all for a period of time. Again, I'm so sorry for what your family is going through.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

                        I've been crying for about an hour on and off. We had cocktails in the hot
                        tub, Dad's favorite place here when he would visit and my husband is making a compilation of songs for a CD just like he did when my dad left us in 2004.
                        I am having such a hard time but a good one between the tears of the past
                        30 years of knowing my Dad (in-law). We said everything we needed to last
                        month and holding hands in one of his darkest hours when he told me many
                        times "I always loved you all these years" made me I don't want to divulge
                        all the details of some of our last moments but I have to say I'll miss my
                        Dad and couldn't have had a better "adopted" Dad.

                        My heart goes out to you and your family, you are not alone. "Leash"

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

                          Originally posted by MyopicJoe View Post
                          I need to choose a mortuary to have my mom cremated at. Have you had a good experience with any place in particular?
                          I've had three close friends/relatives use Ultimate Cremations. You can give them a call so you can do a comparison of services and prices. The last time we used them was about a month ago, and everything went well considering the situation.

                          http://www.ultimatecremations.com/
                          Ultimate Cremation Services of Hawai'i
                          2162 Nuuanu Avenue
                          Honolulu, Hawaii, 96817
                          Phone: (808) 528-3441

                          MJ, my condolences. Please be sure to remember to take a few peaceful, deep breaths throughout the days ahead and take care of yourself, too, along with all the details you are dealing with.
                          Now run along and play, but don’t get into trouble.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

                            MJ, I'm so sorry for you and your family's terrible loss.

                            I know you will miss her soooo much.

                            Glad to see all the great responses here.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

                              The main thing here MJ, is that you're not alone and there are those of us who's loved ones deaths are still fresh in our memories. We can help each other out by talking about it; the emotions, the pain, the legalities...all of it. Keep this thread alive by telling us how you feel daily if necessary. We are here for you but most importantly, for each other.
                              Life is what you make of it...so please read the instructions carefully.

                              Comment

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