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matapule
August 31st, 2010, 10:40 AM
Kay den, we need lighten HT up lil bit. Hit us wit your bes fakakata.

matapule
August 31st, 2010, 10:44 AM
Two men are driving late at night when the driver falls asleep and they hit a tree and are killed instantly. Their souls drift up to the gates of heaven and as they are about to enter, Saint Peter stops them and tells them there is only room for one of them in heaven. He explains one of them will have to back to the accident and continue his life. To make if fair, Saint Peter picks the word Timbuktu and tells them to think up a rhyme. The first man's rhyme is

On across the burning sands
Goes a desert caravan
City lights came into view
Destination, Timbuktu

Well, Saint Peter was impressed and getting ready to send the first man into heaven, but then the second man recited his rhyme.

Tim and I, a walk we went
Spied three maidens in a tent
They were three and we but two
so I bucked one and Timbuktu

matapule
August 31st, 2010, 10:51 AM
REASONS TO AVOID HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONS!!



Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then
Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a
beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading
law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where
Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in San Diego .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in
Naples, Florida .

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park on Oahu and grow
their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his
erect member when he is aroused.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby
storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Mary, properly chagrined, says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

TATTRAT
August 31st, 2010, 04:22 PM
Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog. . .licking himself in "that area"

Guy says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that"

Other guy says, "you might just wanna try and pet him first".

anapuni808
August 31st, 2010, 08:31 PM
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going
to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'


Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,


'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.

'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'

craigwatanabe
August 31st, 2010, 08:45 PM
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going
to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'


Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,


'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.

'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'

Apparently that must have influenced Mary as she eventually married a guy that could hold five parakeets when fully erect! D:eek:H!!!!

Mike_Lowery
August 31st, 2010, 09:00 PM
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

A: Fo' drizzles





Q: Why is the rapper Ja-Rule against abortion?

A: It's murdaaaaaaaaaa

Walkoff Balk
August 31st, 2010, 09:35 PM
A sign reads, "Wet Floor."
Is that a caution or a suggestion?

matapule
September 1st, 2010, 01:56 AM
Apparently that must have influenced Mary as she eventually married a guy that could hold five parakeets when fully erect! D:eek:H!!!!

Craig, that's the best one yet! :D Nice going.

matapule
September 1st, 2010, 02:06 AM
A successful rancher on the Big Island died and left everything to his devoted wife

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Kalalau
September 1st, 2010, 04:59 AM
Two ladies are walking their dogs. It was a hot day and they decided to step into a bar for a nice cool drink. "But we can't just leave the dogs outside in the hot sun, and they won't let us bring dogs into a bar!" says one.

"No problem, just follow my lead," says the other. And she puts on some shades and strides into the bar with her golden retriever in tow. "Sorry, ma'am, no dogs allowed in the bar", says the bartender. "Oh, he is my guide dog!", she replies. "Oh well then thats OK, come on in", he replies.

Seeing how smoothly it went for the first woman, the second puts on some shades and strides into the bar with her dog in tow. "Sorry, ma'am, no dogs permitted in the bar", the bartender says again. "Oh but he is my guide dog!", she says.

"Ma'am, I find it very hard to believe that that little chihuahua is a guide dog!", says the bartender.

"A chihuahua? They gave me a damn chihuahua!?" she cries.




2.....Jennifer Flowers was on the stand testifying in a Clinton sex trial. One of the lawyers had her reading Monica Lewinsky's testimony. "Well, Ms. Flowers, does any of that conduct sound like what Mr. Clinton did with you?", he asks.
She replies, "Close but no cigar"

matapule
September 1st, 2010, 05:35 AM
K, uaifi like chihuahua joke. She have tears. She say dat bes one.

matapule
September 2nd, 2010, 07:25 AM
A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to Honolulu, and pops- down herself and all her carry-ons in first class. Shortly the cabin crew learns she has a ticket for coach. They ask her to move and she says: "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Honolulu to get a tan." No argument that any flight attendent makes will budge her. "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Honolullu to get a tan." Finally the Second Officer steps off the flight deck and whispers in her ear and she quickly assembles her belongings and rushes to the rear.

Once airborne, the attendent asks the co-pilot what he told her, and he says: "First class is going to Denver, only coach is going to Honolulu."

matapule
September 3rd, 2010, 02:14 AM
A Rolls Royce quickly stops, double parked, in front of a Honolulu Bank, and a beautiful blonde wearing very expensive clothes rushes in. "I need to borrow $3500.00 right away." she says. The young loan officer is anxious to help, "We'll need some collatoral" he says. "Take my Rolls" she insists. With a check in hand she rushes out and hails a cab. Three weeks later she returns with the check and tells banker she wants to pay off her loan. The young officer prints out the paperwork, and says "You're returning the check, and the interest and costs are just $27.00" I'll have your car brought around. But, he says, I've done some checking on you and there is no way you are in need of so small a sum as 3500 dollars, may I ask, why did you borrow it. She rises, turning on a spiked heel and over her shoulder says: "How else could I park a car with perfect security, for three weeks in Honolulu for $27.00."

D'Alani
September 3rd, 2010, 07:15 AM
Three women, two younger and one senior citizen are sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her arm and the beeping stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager" she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later a phone rang. The other young lady lifted her palm to her ear.

When she finished she explained "That was my cell phone". I have a microchip embedded in my palm.

The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be outdone she felt she needed to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the restroom.

She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging out from her okole.

The two younger women kinda giggled and looked at her.

The older woman paused a little and finally said, "Well will you look at that, I'm receiving a fax!!"

anapuni808
September 3rd, 2010, 07:28 PM
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'



St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'



So the zebra went off in search of God.



When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'


God simply replied 'You are what you are.'


The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'


The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''


St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..'


The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'


'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..'

(oh, I am soooo bad - I stole this joke from Lika) :p

TATTRAT
September 3rd, 2010, 09:27 PM
What kina bee gives milk? A boo-bee

What do ya call a fish with two knees? A two knee fish

Why are blacks so tall? ' cause their knee grows

If women with big boobs work at Hooters, where do waitresses with one leg work? Ihop

Why don't blind people sky dive? It scares the shit out of their dogs.

An old Asian couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, the wife asks " husband, for 50 years we have shared the same bed, shared each other, what if anything can I do to make this special?". After long, careful thought and consideration, the hubby finally replies, " my love, after so maaaaany years, of sooooooo much of the same thing, there is only one thing I wish I could try with you. . .I want 69"

She says back, "69? 69! After 50 years, what 'chu want beef and broccoli for now?!"




And thus concludes the wort possible jokes for this evening

matapule
September 4th, 2010, 05:50 AM
Little johnny was asked to say grace at Thanksgiving dinner. Johnny says "Thank you lord for the fine food on this table and tomorrow my Grandmother is going to die."

The next day grandma dies..

At Christmas dinner, Johnny is asked once again to give grace. Johnny says "Thank you lord for the fine food on this table and tomorrow my father is going to die."

The next day when the father returns home from work the mother asks the father how his day went. The father replies "fine, I hide in my office all day, not wanting to go anywhere because I was afraid I was going to die" In return he asks his wife how her day was? The wife replies " it was terrible...the mail man dropped dead on the porch!!

matapule
September 5th, 2010, 06:26 AM
What is the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer nuts are about a $1.50, Deer nuts are under a buck!!

matapule
September 6th, 2010, 01:09 AM
A grandmother is sunbathing on her towel on a deserted south Florida beach, when a man of approximate age spreads his towel out near hers and opens a book. She takes notice of him and strikes up a conversation:

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you"...he returns to his book.

"I love this beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2yrs ago"...he returns to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3yrs ago and it's very lonely. Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live in Miami." once again he resumes reading.

Desperate for a common topic of interest, she asks, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that the man dropped his book, moved over to her blanket and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand had finally settled she gasped, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

He replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

matapule
September 11th, 2010, 02:14 AM
Two Moke kine come into a bar on Maui and they buy drinks for everybody in the place. They were celebrating and whooping it up, slapping everybody on the back. So the bartender says, "What are you whooping it up for? What's the occasion?"

They said, "We jus' finish jigsaw puzzle an' only took two months!"

The bartender said, "Two months! What's the big deal? It shouldn't take that long to do a jigsaw puzzle!"

"Oh yeah, you got beef brah?" says one Moke an' give stink eye to bartender. "On box it say 2 to 4 year!"

anapuni808
September 11th, 2010, 12:46 PM
(carry on - nothing to see here. i made a mistake in my link. will repost when i've got the right address)

matapule
September 14th, 2010, 02:38 AM
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said,
'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic;
think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking;
the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific
and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
why she snaps and complains when I try to help,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.'








God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Ron Whitfield
September 20th, 2010, 10:52 AM
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said "NO!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after while riding motorcycles and going fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank... and left the toilet seat up.

The End

Nobunaga
September 23rd, 2010, 03:07 PM
I told this one to my friend Irene.
My favorite elephant joke. It goes like this:

Little Johnny goes to the zoo with his mother, and they come across the elephant. Johnny asks his mother, "Hey mom! What's that hanging down from the elephant?" His mother answers "That's his trunk." Johnny says "Not that, behind his trunk!" His mother answers, "Why that's his tail." Then Johnny says, "No Mom! Behind his trunk, in front of his tail! See that thing hanging down from the elephant? What's that?!" His mother gets embarrassed and says, "Oh! that's nothing... Let's go see the penquins..."

The next week, Lil Johnny goes to the same zoo with his dad, and they come across the same elephant. Johnny asks the same things, getting the same answers until Johnny explains "The thing behind the trunk, but in front of the tail.." So Daddy asks, "What do you want to know what that is for?" Johnny replies, "Mom said it is nothing..." Dad says, "Oh! Your mom is just spoiled!....

Irene laughed away at that joke! Then she asked me" "What was that hanging down from the elephant?"

craigwatanabe
September 23rd, 2010, 08:14 PM
Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out small fires.




Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks. :rolleyes:

anapuni808
September 24th, 2010, 01:30 PM
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed
her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked
the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

If you laughed at this pass it on.

matapule
September 25th, 2010, 02:41 AM
An older couple goes to the Doctor. He asks the husband if sex is
still good, and if he has any questions.

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After having sex with my wife I am
usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I am usually cold and chilly?"

Surprised he can still do it twice, the Doc then sees the wife. After
examining the elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be
fine. Do you have any medical! Concernís that you would like to
discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or
concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband has an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the
first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you
know why?"

"Crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in July and the second time is in December!"

Nobunaga
September 25th, 2010, 07:55 AM
There is this lady who got a face lift. When her bandages came off, the plastic surgeon gave her a mirror, and she was very pleased.

On her way home, she was hungry, so she stopped at a McDonalds for a snack. While ordering, she asks a young fellow behind the counter, "Would you care to guess my age?" The guy looks at her and replies... "Ummmm about 32?" And she proudly says "Forty seven!". She then gets her snack, eats it and is on her way. She then stops at a drug store to pick up a prescription. There, behind the counter, there is another young dude, and she asks him "Would you care to guess my age?" He looks at her and answers "Ummmm 29?????" And she proudly says "Forty seven!" and she goes happily along her way.

She then gets on the bus on her way home. Pretty soon, the bus gets kind of empty, except for her and this older fellow. So she asks him: "Sir, would you care to guess my age?" And he answers, "Lady, I am 84 years old, and my eyes are failing... But if you let me feel your boobs, I will tell you how old you are..." She thinks about it and in her mind, she says "I am still quite firm, I will let him try it..." So she lifts her blouse and said "Go ahead!" He starts feeling around her boobs, and is taking quite a long time... She finally gets impatient and says "Well?!" And he says, "You are forty seven years old!...." She looks at him with amazement! She said "How could you tell?!" and he answers... "I was standing behind you at McDonalds when you were ordering."

matapule
September 26th, 2010, 02:30 AM
A pirate goes into a bar. He has a ship's wheel hanging off the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the ship's wheel on the front off your pants?"

The pirate answers, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts."

Kalalau
October 7th, 2010, 02:10 AM
Q: What did the little Russian prince's nurses say to him when they wanted him to urinate"""





A: Tinkle, tinkle, little tsar!

Kalalau
October 11th, 2010, 12:23 PM
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

matapule
October 11th, 2010, 01:41 PM
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

No, but I don't know why I'm salivating.

oceanpacific
October 12th, 2010, 08:57 AM
This is based on a true incident. The names have been change to protect the innocent (and naive).

During a round of trivia, a young hair HAIR STYLIST named Kathy was asked, for obvious reasons, the following question:
WHAT WAS SAMSON'S WEAKNESS?
KATHY: Wait, wait, don't tell me. I know this, I know ....... Aha. SAMSONITE killed Samson!

Proof positive that a little knowledge can be dangerous. The actual event occurred 35 years ago and still elicits peals of laughter whenever it's recounted.

matapule
October 12th, 2010, 09:29 AM
Was she a blond?

Kalalau
October 12th, 2010, 10:52 AM
A lawyer I know actually did have a client named Honey. The opposing party, Bunn. Thus, the Honey Bunn Case.

oceanpacific
October 13th, 2010, 02:07 AM
Was she a blond?

No, not a blonde, but a brunette. She admitted that she knew about Superman and KRYPTONITE, hence her response. :D :D :D

Kalalau
October 13th, 2010, 05:12 AM
Q: How many politically correct Berkeley vegetarians does it take to change a light bulb?






A: That is not an appropriate subject for humor

Menehune Man
November 14th, 2010, 07:10 PM
Two friends hangin' in the livingroom when the one asks...
"When we stay go da kine li'dat?"

Of course his buddy answers...
"After da kine stay come. Den."

timkona
November 15th, 2010, 06:58 AM
So I'm partyin at my buddies house and the doorbell rings. In walks Ricky Williams from the Miami Dolphins with a grocery bag stuffed with cryptonic Cali Green buds. He starts rollin up 5 sheeters and passing them around.

Laying on the couch, laughing, watching Ren & Stimpy, and the doorbell rings again. It's Sebastian Janikowski. He's carrying a case of Stoli and a quart of orange juice. "Drinks for everybody."

1/2 hour later we are drunk and stoned, and the doorbell rings again.

It's Michael Irvin. And he's carrying a snow shovel.

matapule
November 15th, 2010, 10:34 AM
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family
doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and
in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is
cockeyed."

Kalalau
December 10th, 2010, 12:29 PM
Hi, this is Sarah Palin. Is Senator Lieberman in?

No, this is Yom Kippur.

Oh hi Yom, can I leave a message?

Kalalau
December 17th, 2010, 10:16 AM
Not actually a joke but good practical advice for life:

When in worry
Or in doubt
Run in circles,
Scream and shout!

matapule
December 17th, 2010, 11:14 AM
Not actually a joke but good practical advice for life:

When in worry
Or in doubt
Run in circles,
Scream and shout!

K, thanks for resurrecting this thread. As far as your practical advice......that plaque is permanently affixed to the interior of matapule's boat!

Now for something in season.

One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.

When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"

At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"

And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.

TATTRAT
December 17th, 2010, 09:03 PM
Itís late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

matapule
December 29th, 2010, 06:33 PM
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).



ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Kimo
December 31st, 2010, 08:16 AM
Now that we know the age profile of HT posters, this could be very useful for many of them (us),

Kalalau
January 22nd, 2011, 04:18 AM
Once Robert Dole said he had been asked which was a greater problem in America, ignorance or indifference. He replied, "I don't know and I don't care".

Dole was reportedly asked that time old question, Boxers or Briefs, he replied, "Depends"

oceanpacific
January 29th, 2011, 10:52 AM
The young girl in the convent went to the Mother Superior and stammered:

Mother Superior, I don't know how to tell you this, but I've decided to leave for Las Vegas to become a prostitute.

What did you say? Please repeat yourself!

I ..... I ..... I said I'm leaving for Las Vegas to become a prostitute.

Oh, I thought you said PROTESTANT!

matapule
January 30th, 2011, 10:01 AM
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?

Smudge
February 22nd, 2011, 12:54 PM
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher.


The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"


The drunk answers, "Yes,I am."


So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and Asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"


The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."


The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for A little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"


The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."


By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the Water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.


When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up coughing and spluttering.


The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"


The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "No sir, I sure have not - are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Kalalau
February 22nd, 2011, 05:44 PM
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it
I had amnesia once---or twice

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses
sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off
Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?


A friend sent these to me, I don't know the original source but they are amusing, yes? Maybe Carlin?

Kalalau
February 22nd, 2011, 07:27 PM
My memory is so good I can't even remember the last time I forgot something.

Kalalau
March 15th, 2011, 03:25 PM
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University ... Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10.. This is for cat.
11.. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top
down.

matapule
March 15th, 2011, 04:34 PM
BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A little silver-haired man calls his neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

His neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired man says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

His neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

He lets him in and shows him where he has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to him and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He pats him on the back and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)
>
>





"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
http://us.mg1.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f17095%5fALuzo0IAAHCKTXvPowW4THedi ko&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

Kalalau
March 20th, 2011, 06:55 AM
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:




The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Menehune Man
March 25th, 2011, 04:17 PM
I came home to this cartoon strategically taped above my checkbook in my room!
I LMAO and she giggled... :p
http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5178/5559626881_015a10a642.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photos/69891231@N00/5559626881/) Hagar cartoon from Sulu (http://www.flickr.com/photos/69891231@N00/5559626881/) by Menehune Man (http://www.flickr.com/people/69891231@N00/), on Flickr

Kaonohi
March 26th, 2011, 02:34 PM
CATHOLIC COFFEE CONVERSATION

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son happens to be the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter; slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist, 34" hips.


When she walks into a room people say...........






"Oh my God!..."

Kaonohi
March 26th, 2011, 02:40 PM
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!


Tis me, ..................


I've Quit Drinking!"

matapule
April 17th, 2011, 01:43 AM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

matapule
May 15th, 2011, 01:40 AM
http://image.wetpaint.com/image/1/xNS3Ip4hREB52HwVtPx0_w15060/GW175H120 (http://www.mustsharejokes.com/page/Blonde+Jokes)


The answer on a Blonde's Geometry test.

Kalalau
May 15th, 2011, 03:57 AM
A Texas lad is visiting Harvard University. He comes up to a student and asks, "Where's the library at?"

The student replies, "At Harvard we never end a sentence with a preposition!"

"OK", says the Texas lad, "Where's the library at, asshole?"

Kalalau
May 15th, 2011, 04:52 AM
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron.. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.
I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 13 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Callaway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby.
His wife was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense
that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club

Kalalau
May 22nd, 2011, 06:43 AM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

Kalalau
May 29th, 2011, 02:38 PM
Sports Quotations

I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.

Doug Sanders, professional golfer



All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives"See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer."

Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher


Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play.

Harry Neale, professional hockey coach



When it's third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time.

Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver



I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad you're having trouble.

Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager



My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.

E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs

linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations





My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good.

Vic Braden, tennis instructor



Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.

Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver



When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did but it was Mrs. Koufax's.

Tommy John N.Y. Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery



I don't know. I only played there for nine years.

Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles



We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.

John Breen, Houston Oilers



The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.

Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons



When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.

Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher



The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.

Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach



I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.

Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner



Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day.

Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.



I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball.

Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach



I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday.

Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game



I tell him "Attaway to hit, George."

Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting



I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.

Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers



Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.

George MacIntyre, Vanderbuilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores

Kalalau
June 24th, 2011, 02:37 PM
Some Yogi Berra Quotes........


"This is like deja vu all over again."
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
"He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
"I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.
"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.
"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."
"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."
"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."
"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
"It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.
"Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.
Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
"Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.
"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."
"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."
"I made a wrong mistake."
"Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.
"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.
"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."
"If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."
"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."
"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."
"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."
"I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.
"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.
"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."
"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
"I didn't really say everything I said."