Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

    Kay den, we need lighten HT up lil bit. Hit us wit your bes fakakata.
    Peace, Love, and Local Grindz

    People who form FIRM opinions with so little knowledge only pretend to be open-minded. They select their facts like food from a buffet. David R. Dow

  • #2
    Re: the NEW HT best jokes thread

    Two men are driving late at night when the driver falls asleep and they hit a tree and are killed instantly. Their souls drift up to the gates of heaven and as they are about to enter, Saint Peter stops them and tells them there is only room for one of them in heaven. He explains one of them will have to back to the accident and continue his life. To make if fair, Saint Peter picks the word Timbuktu and tells them to think up a rhyme. The first man's rhyme is

    On across the burning sands
    Goes a desert caravan
    City lights came into view
    Destination, Timbuktu

    Well, Saint Peter was impressed and getting ready to send the first man into heaven, but then the second man recited his rhyme.

    Tim and I, a walk we went
    Spied three maidens in a tent
    They were three and we but two
    so I bucked one and Timbuktu
    Peace, Love, and Local Grindz

    People who form FIRM opinions with so little knowledge only pretend to be open-minded. They select their facts like food from a buffet. David R. Dow

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: the NEW HT best jokes thread

      REASONS TO AVOID HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONS!!



      Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.
      They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
      lunch in a wine bar.

      Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
      Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
      required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then
      Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
      She too shares the wine.

      Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
      Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a
      beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading
      law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where
      Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in San Diego .

      Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
      surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
      They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in
      Naples, Florida .

      Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
      boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park on Oahu and grow
      their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his
      erect member when he is aroused.

      Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
      blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby
      storage facility.

      Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
      that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
      live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

      Mary, properly chagrined, says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
      Peace, Love, and Local Grindz

      People who form FIRM opinions with so little knowledge only pretend to be open-minded. They select their facts like food from a buffet. David R. Dow

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

        Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog. . .licking himself in "that area"

        Guy says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that"

        Other guy says, "you might just wanna try and pet him first".
        flickr

        An email from God:
        To: People of Earth
        From: God
        Date: 9/04/2007
        Subject: stop

        knock it off, all of you

        seriously, what the hell


        --
        God

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

          The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
          'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

          No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

          'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going
          to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

          Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
          'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'


          Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

          'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
          The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,


          'Anybody?'

          Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

          'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

          Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.

          'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

          One, you have a dirty mind.

          Two, you didn't read your homework.

          And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'
          "Democracy is the only system that persists in asking the powers that be whether they are the powers that ought to be."
          – Sydney J. Harris

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

            Originally posted by anapuni808 View Post
            The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
            'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

            No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

            'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going
            to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

            Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
            'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'


            Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

            'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
            The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,


            'Anybody?'

            Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

            'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

            Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.

            'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

            One, you have a dirty mind.

            Two, you didn't read your homework.

            And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'
            Apparently that must have influenced Mary as she eventually married a guy that could hold five parakeets when fully erect! DH!!!!
            Life is what you make of it...so please read the instructions carefully.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

              Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

              A: Fo' drizzles





              Q: Why is the rapper Ja-Rule against abortion?

              A: It's murdaaaaaaaaaa
              Twitter: LookMaICanWrite


              flickr

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

                A sign reads, "Wet Floor."
                Is that a caution or a suggestion?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

                  Originally posted by craigwatanabe View Post
                  Apparently that must have influenced Mary as she eventually married a guy that could hold five parakeets when fully erect! DH!!!!
                  Craig, that's the best one yet! Nice going.
                  Peace, Love, and Local Grindz

                  People who form FIRM opinions with so little knowledge only pretend to be open-minded. They select their facts like food from a buffet. David R. Dow

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

                    A successful rancher on the Big Island died and left everything to his devoted wife

                    She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

                    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

                    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

                    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

                    For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

                    Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

                    One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

                    Two o'clock and no hired hand.

                    Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

                    She quietly called him over to her..

                    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

                    Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

                    He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

                    He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

                    "Now take off my skirt."

                    He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

                    "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

                    Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
                    Peace, Love, and Local Grindz

                    People who form FIRM opinions with so little knowledge only pretend to be open-minded. They select their facts like food from a buffet. David R. Dow

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

                      Two ladies are walking their dogs. It was a hot day and they decided to step into a bar for a nice cool drink. "But we can't just leave the dogs outside in the hot sun, and they won't let us bring dogs into a bar!" says one.

                      "No problem, just follow my lead," says the other. And she puts on some shades and strides into the bar with her golden retriever in tow. "Sorry, ma'am, no dogs allowed in the bar", says the bartender. "Oh, he is my guide dog!", she replies. "Oh well then thats OK, come on in", he replies.

                      Seeing how smoothly it went for the first woman, the second puts on some shades and strides into the bar with her dog in tow. "Sorry, ma'am, no dogs permitted in the bar", the bartender says again. "Oh but he is my guide dog!", she says.

                      "Ma'am, I find it very hard to believe that that little chihuahua is a guide dog!", says the bartender.

                      "A chihuahua? They gave me a damn chihuahua!?" she cries.




                      2.....Jennifer Flowers was on the stand testifying in a Clinton sex trial. One of the lawyers had her reading Monica Lewinsky's testimony. "Well, Ms. Flowers, does any of that conduct sound like what Mr. Clinton did with you?", he asks.
                      She replies, "Close but no cigar"

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

                        K, uaifi like chihuahua joke. She have tears. She say dat bes one.
                        Peace, Love, and Local Grindz

                        People who form FIRM opinions with so little knowledge only pretend to be open-minded. They select their facts like food from a buffet. David R. Dow

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

                          A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to Honolulu, and pops- down herself and all her carry-ons in first class. Shortly the cabin crew learns she has a ticket for coach. They ask her to move and she says: "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Honolulu to get a tan." No argument that any flight attendent makes will budge her. "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Honolullu to get a tan." Finally the Second Officer steps off the flight deck and whispers in her ear and she quickly assembles her belongings and rushes to the rear.

                          Once airborne, the attendent asks the co-pilot what he told her, and he says: "First class is going to Denver, only coach is going to Honolulu."
                          Peace, Love, and Local Grindz

                          People who form FIRM opinions with so little knowledge only pretend to be open-minded. They select their facts like food from a buffet. David R. Dow

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

                            A Rolls Royce quickly stops, double parked, in front of a Honolulu Bank, and a beautiful blonde wearing very expensive clothes rushes in. "I need to borrow $3500.00 right away." she says. The young loan officer is anxious to help, "We'll need some collatoral" he says. "Take my Rolls" she insists. With a check in hand she rushes out and hails a cab. Three weeks later she returns with the check and tells banker she wants to pay off her loan. The young officer prints out the paperwork, and says "You're returning the check, and the interest and costs are just $27.00" I'll have your car brought around. But, he says, I've done some checking on you and there is no way you are in need of so small a sum as 3500 dollars, may I ask, why did you borrow it. She rises, turning on a spiked heel and over her shoulder says: "How else could I park a car with perfect security, for three weeks in Honolulu for $27.00."
                            Peace, Love, and Local Grindz

                            People who form FIRM opinions with so little knowledge only pretend to be open-minded. They select their facts like food from a buffet. David R. Dow

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

                              Three women, two younger and one senior citizen are sitting naked in a sauna.

                              Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her arm and the beeping stopped.

                              The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager" she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

                              A few minutes later a phone rang. The other young lady lifted her palm to her ear.

                              When she finished she explained "That was my cell phone". I have a microchip embedded in my palm.

                              The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be outdone she felt she needed to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the restroom.

                              She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging out from her okole.

                              The two younger women kinda giggled and looked at her.

                              The older woman paused a little and finally said, "Well will you look at that, I'm receiving a fax!!"

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X