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  • Shmoozing

    People who know me find it hard to believe (but people who REALLY know me find it easy to believe) that I'm really, really shy. I do fine when I'm on my own turf, as in a bookstore or in my classroom, but put me somewhere strange, where I don't know the people around me, and I have extreme difficulty putting myself at ease.

    The Hawaii Threads picnic (and a Hawaii Stories picnic before that) were difficult for me, even though I've known Pzarquon and Kilinahe for ten years.

    In the past few months, I've been to receptions at the KHPR studios (for winners in the Honolulu Magazine fiction contest) and Oahu Country Club (for Master's degree candidates), and I've shown up for Burt Lum's Bytemarks lunch at the YWCA, each time getting to know some really, really interesting people, but it never gets easier!

    I always have to psyche myself up. As I walk to the event from my car, I say, "Smile. Look people in the eye. Say It's Nice to Meet You even if you're not sure it is. Don't spill anything." Out loud. Several times.

    The events usually end up just fine, but I'm just about never at ease.

    How do you feel about shmoozing, and if you're like me, what are some of your strategies for making it work?
    Last edited by scrivener; September 17, 2005, 10:05 PM. Reason: "I'm not like this; I'm really kinda shy, but I get this feeling whenever you walk by . . ."
    But I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I GOT IT ALL! (George Costanza)
    GrouchyTeacher.com

  • #2
    Re: Shmoozing

    I think when I was in the whole "art" scene during my UH days, I did my fair share of shmoozing at art shindigs. Depends on the scene, I guess. It was always nice to see fellow ceramists, especially those in the local scene that I looked up to, plus, with Hawaii being as small as it is, it's always a good way to make friends and make connections.

    It's always a little difficult to go to functions on your own, but if you know someone, all the better. Of course, the whole point of shmoozing is to meet and talk with others, so you wouldn't necessarily want to be "stuck" with one person the whole night (unless you don't mind that). What's hard is if other people at the function are not friendly or open. I always feel bad for someone who looks shy and looks like they wouldn't mind talking to someone, but no one is talking to them. People can be so stuck-up, you know?

    Have a drink in hand (not necessarily alcoholic) and a smile on your face. Approach people, say "Hi, howzit" and know you can't win 'um all!
    Fukujinzuke! I've got myself in a pickle!

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Shmoozing

      I grew up very shy and then trying to hide behind ego(early 20's) was no better. Funny thing that helped me was 12 step meetings.Being told if I did not want to end up in jail an institution or dead I needed to go to meetings be real and share whats going down in my life.The result was talking story 100's of hours in front of other addicts so now anytime I speak to a group or folks in general I just talk to them as if they were other addicts
      For me now I "be myself" all the time no acting If a person or connection does not work out so be it.Shmooz sounds like manipulation so of course an honest sensitive person would suck at it.
      P.S.Not being good at Shmoozing shows more charactor than being good at it in my book so I'm glad it does not come natural to you!
      Last edited by Fondoo2; September 17, 2005, 10:44 PM.

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      • #4
        Re: Shmoozing

        I seem to shmooze OK. I maintain that I am quiet and reserved, but my friends laugh. Apparently, I just think I'm quiet and reserved.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Shmoozing

          Originally posted by Glen Miyashiro
          I seem to shmooze OK. I maintain that I am quiet and reserved, but my friends laugh. Apparently, I just think I'm quiet and reserved.
          I get that a lot, too... seems Scrivener as well. I insist that, ultimately, I don't particularly like people. (No offense, people.) That left to my own devices, I'd be perfectly content interacting with other individuals sans any face-to-face contact. That my natural state is very hermit like. I have definite xenophobic tendencies (even Michael Titterton noted this, a fact I wear like a badge of honor) -- I hate talking on the phone, and if it wasn't for the Internet, I'd probably be in a mountain cabin somewhere writing manifestos about communist hat racks.

          Thing is, I can schmooze. Or I think I do. Insofar as people tell me I'm pretty damn outgoing and talkative (almost to a fault) and have the occasional and unfortunate air of a lawyer or politician. It might not be in person, but I sure put myself out there online quite a bit - in writing, with my voice, with video. By most measures, I fall clearly into the extrovert category.

          But I think I do those things because I have to. One, because I do have an inexplicable compulsion to express myself. Two, because in a way, I make myself outgoing in person because otherwise, I'd just be in a corner gibbering like a loon. Sometimes the conflict between my insecure self and my loud, obnoxious self is scary. Maybe my "personality," such as it is, is just a nervous tic?

          Like the way Scrivener psyches himself up before going into a new social situation? I feel the same way. And I usually leave every gathering concentrating not on the conversations I did have, but mulling over the things I should have said, or more likely, the things I wish I hadn't said.

          Obviously, though, what goes on inside our heads is very different from what we present to the world. I'm sure Scrivener's shaking his head at what I've just written the same way I do when he proclaims, in his podcast, "I'm really not that outspoken or opinionated..."

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          • #6
            Re: Shmoozing

            I have to admit I am not very good in large group social situations. I seem to communicate better if I am one to one with an individual and definitely with a friend. However even with good friends, in a group situation I am not that outgoing or social.

            Generally I like structured settings if I have to get together with a group... like a seminar or classroom type of situation. I hate nightclubs or situations that are strictly social in nature... like dances, parties, etc. The funny thing is during my college years I went to these things but mainly as the paid DJ (can you believe that?) or as a photographer. That way I have something to keep me busy and helps me avoid interacting with people in the social situation setting but still allows me to briefly talk to them and to be there. Funny huh?

            And while I like taking pictures of others I don't like having pictures taken of me in any social setting or even a formal structured setting. Yesterday I went to a Mac OSX seminar that HMAUS put on, and for some reason some guy took my picture which upset me. I went to a podcast seminar and the people running the seminar have to take a picture. Why?

            My regular day job requires a lot of "schmoozing" at certain times of the year. The good thing is that most of the "schmoozing" is done by my boss who is very good at that, which leaves me where I like it.. in the background.

            It is easier for me to be more outgoing on the web and through the typed word where the interaction is not as direct as person to person. I'd probably have a fit if I had to interact directly with some of the people I encountered in type on this website alone.
            I'm still here. Are you?

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            • #7
              Re: Shmoozing

              Originally posted by scrivener
              People who know me find it hard to believe (but people who REALLY know me find it easy to believe) that I'm really, really shy. I do fine when I'm on my own turf, as in a bookstore or in my classroom, but put me somewhere strange, where I don't know the people around me, and I have extreme difficulty putting myself at ease.

              The Hawaii Threads picnic (and a Hawaii Stories picnic before that) were difficult for me, even though I've known Pzarquon and Kilinahe for ten years.

              In the past few months, I've been to receptions at the KHPR studios (for winners in the Honolulu Magazine fiction contest) and Oahu Country Club (for Master's degree candidates), and I've shown up for Burt Lum's Bytemarks lunch at the YWCA, each time getting to know some really, really interesting people, but it never gets easier!

              I always have to psyche myself up. As I walk to the event from my car, I say, "Smile. Look people in the eye. Say It's Nice to Meet You even if you're not sure it is. Don't spill anything." Out loud. Several times.

              The events usually end up just fine, but I'm just about never at ease.

              How do you feel about shmoozing, and if you're like me, what are some of your strategies for making it work?
              I consider myself fortunate because the women in my family are great role models of "Aunty Aloha" behavior, which I do not define as schmoozing, but rather social intelligence. No matter what is going on with our lives at that particular time, when in public, its time to pay attention to the people around us. Eye contact, a smile, looking for opportunities to be a kokua, crack a joke, or start up a conversation to ease someone who finds such situations painful are behaviors held at a premium. Most importantly, knowning when to just back away discreetly.

              Especially in business, these behaviors are critical. And if we want to live a life of "never taking no for an answer", then social intelligence's importance shoots up exponentially.

              And it is a big deal to me that my kids model these behaviors as well. That means cheek-kissing our elders, and treating them all as fascinating people.

              pax

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Shmoozing

                Originally posted by scrivener
                The events usually end up just fine, but I'm just about never at ease.

                How do you feel about shmoozing, and if you're like me, what are some of your strategies for making it work?
                sorry scriv. can't relate.
                when I enter a good size crowd, it's like a light switch flips on. I work the room like an orchestra conductor.
                schmoozing doesn't seem to be a separate concept from my internal makeup, if you'll pardon me for saying...

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Shmoozing

                  Shmoozing...as soon as you walk out your front door the world is your STAGE. Anyone you come into contact with SMILE, NOD your head in gesture, the most important is SMILE...it is a universal technique that has been used through the ages. It works.

                  As for groups, parties, picnics, lift up your head and RELAX. SMILE, once again, eye contact and join in the conversations. Depending on the crowd, adjust to what "language" they're speaking. The problem could be they are intimidated by your intellegence so come down to their level. You're just too damn SMART!

                  In Hawai'i we are fortunate to have our Food as a means of breaking the "ICE!" That nutritional Granola Bars sounds like a good catch for some girls as a way to start a meaningful conversation! Go get'um Scriv!!!!

                  Then there's people like "Auntie Pupule"...who can't seem to shut her mouth!

                  Auntie Lynn
                  Be AKAMAI ~ KOKUA Hawai`i!
                  Philippians 4:13 --- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Shmoozing

                    I have been schmoozing for about 25 years now in both the music and film/TV biz. At first I too was shy and intimidated by the idea of going to an event with the sole reason of meeting and advancing my career. I thought it sucked......seemed like being fake but it's part of the machine.

                    After a few events I found that within the schmooz are sub-sectors. The are The Posers, The Players, The Haters, The Hollywood Black (not reference to skin color) and The Core. Here's a snippet of a classic Hollywood Schmooz:

                    The Poser - "Oh my God, you look great with that patch over your eye. Where can I buy one?".
                    The Player -"Yea, I have 3 houses and 5 cars because I designed the patch. Let me buy your whole group $15 martinis to rub it in your face."
                    The Hater - "The frick'n patch looks like shit and I only need a bed and a bike to make me happy"
                    The Hollywood Black - "Don't I look like a player because I have spent 3 paychecks for this pair of pants and shoes because it looked good in Vogue. SOMEONE PLEASE LOOK AT ME!".
                    The Core - "Geeez, look at all those people looking to see if anybody is noticing them. I'll take a lite beer and some pretzels".

                    The Core seem to be off-side in a circle talking about the latest sports, wearing the low-key clothes with no over-the-top arrivals.

                    Then there are those who are up the a$$ of The Core. They are real obvious and end up just being an entourage instead of a player...........FOR LIFE!

                    I have found that going to a networking event with the hopes of eating some good food with a few Long Islands Ice Teas and being myself drew the curiosity of the real players. But if your going to go with the intentions of benefiting professionally follow these tips:

                    1. Never tell them what you do. Let THEM ask you first!
                    2. Start a conversation with a current social event, NOT the mutual business that your in.
                    3. Never ask for contact information unless they ask you for yours first. If the haven't you tell them that you look forward to seeing them at the next event.

                    REMEMBER: Schmoozing is a long process of "meet & greets" with the same circle of like minded people. NOTHING happens overnight.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Shmoozing

                      I love meeting people, talking with friends, and going places and interviewing them. But half my face is now paralyzed and so it's quite difficult for me to not feel self conscious about it. That's why I am so grateful that I can do a lot of telecommuting and conduct story interviews via telephone. My face is distracting and when I see someone notice it, I just want to cry. But I don't, I try to finish business and get on with my work.

                      I got Bell's Palsy three times in my life, twice while pregnant. It's my badge of honor. My kids are the most amazingly beautiful girls you ever saw (yeah, i'm biased). I just laugh and tell people that their beauty is proof the human race is evolving.

                      I enjoy hosting parties at our home and attending social events. I hold my breath and hope no one notices, or if they do, they are kind enough to not mention it.
                      Aloha from Lavagal

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                      • #12
                        Re: Shmoozing

                        I feel like a category killer. Sometimes when I respond to threads that's the end of them. I don't need to get in the last word! Oh well. Just kinda rambling to myself.
                        Aloha from Lavagal

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Shmoozing

                          Originally posted by lavagal
                          I feel like a category killer. Sometimes when I respond to threads that's the end of them. I don't need to get in the last word! Oh well. Just kinda rambling to myself.

                          There, there. It aint you, babe. Once Ty stepped up with the A$$ of the Core definitions, what really else is there to say?

                          pax

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Shmoozing

                            Originally posted by Pua'i Mana'o
                            There, there. It aint you, babe. Once Ty stepped up with the A$$ of the Core definitions, what really else is there to say?
                            Good point. I went and read Ty's missive again. I take it he's the Core? I wonder who he really is. Bwah-wah-wah-hah-hah-hah!
                            Aloha from Lavagal

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Shmoozing

                              Originally posted by lavagal
                              Good point. I went and read Ty's missive again. I take it he's the Core? I wonder who he really is. Bwah-wah-wah-hah-hah-hah!
                              That was a good one! No, I ran from the ant farm a few years ago. I just pour drinks now and have an opinion.

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