Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

[Pomai]

This is the place to share your favorite local jokes!

We live in one of the most ethnically diverse places in the world. And with that came the stereotyped humor we grew up with about each other's race and culture. Filipino, Japanee, Haole, Hawaiian or Kanaka, Podagee, Yobo.. you name it.. there's certainly some funny stuff out there.

This is NOT the place if you have a gripe against such humor or have an issue about racism and such. There are many other threads and DB's on that subject.

If you're truly a local, you take these jokes in stride and just have a good laugh. The jokes come at the expense of each and every one of us so it's all good!

Have fun!

[Pomai]

English to Filipino Vocabulary Lesson

English to Filipino Vocabulary Lesson

Tenacious
Engish: Persistent or stubborn
Filipino: Tennis Shoes
"Oi boy, bepore you go out to play you must tie your tenacious".

Staten Island
English: An Island borough of New York City
Filipino: "Is that an island?"
As the tour boat passes Magic Island, a filipino tourist asks the deckhand, "Is staten island?"

Penis
English: Male Genitals
Filipino: "Finish"
"Oi boy, bepore (before) you go out and play, you must penis your homework!"

Chicken Nut Bread
English: Some strange bread I've never heard of
Filipino: "She cannot breath"
"Oi, is dis dee 911 num-bare? You must hurry dee ambulance.. my wife.. chicken nut bread!"

PC-CAL
English: Perhaps some new method of doing Calculus on your PC computer?
Filipino: "Physical"
"I have to take a day off prom (from) work next week. I get dee doc-tore's appointment por d' PC-CAL."

Sea Shore
English: Sea Shore
Filipino: Seizure
""Oi, is dis dee 911 num-bare? You must hurry dee ambulance.. my wife.. chicken nut bread and she iss having d' sea shore!"

LOL!

[lurkah]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

* That's not right .................................... Sum Ting Wong
* Are you harboring a fugitive? .................. Hu Yu Hai Ding
* See me ASAP........................................ Kum Hia Nao
* Stupid Man .......................................... Dum Fut
* Small Horse ......................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
* Did you go to the beach? ....................... Wai Yu So Tan
* I bumped into a coffee table ................... Ai Bang Mai Ni
* I think you need a face lift ..................... Chin Tu Fat
* It's very dark in here.............................. Wao So Dim
* I thought you were on a diet ................... Wai Yu Mun Ching?
* This is a tow away zone ......................... No Pah King
* Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
* Staying out of sight ............................... Lei Ying Lo
* He's cleaning his automobile .................... Wa Shing Ka
* Your body odor is offensive ..................... Yu Stin Ki Pu

[Pomai]

Da "Tree" Locals Crossing Da' Desert

This is a classic that if not mistaken was made popular by Frank DeLima...

Had da' Hawaiian, da' Japanee and da' Podagee. As they were crossing a desert they passed out from thirst, hunger and heat.

When they woke up da' Hawaiian guy said, "whoa brah I had one awesome dream that we had 3 full coolers of ice cold Budweiser beer!".

Da Japanee guy said, "whoah brah das' mean.. but mines was mo' bettah.. I went dream we was crossing da' desert in one lunch wagon full of grinds!".

Da' Podagee guy said, "Nah brah, my dream was da' bes! I went dream we had one car door!".

Da Japanee and Hawaiian guy asked, "Brah, what da hell you going do wit' one car door?", Da Podagee said, "Brah, when stay hot, all we gotta do is roll da' window down!".

[1stwahine]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

RECIPE POR PILIPINO ISPAGITI

Ip you like to mik Pilipino ispagiti, you jus dipros dee grounbip, a. Andin you pillow de diriksyon in dee kwan. Dee kwan, you know wat I'm reperring too. Dee diriksyon on dee ispagiti plastik and deesauce mix.

Instid ob eating wid dee pork, you eat wid your han.

Aym dat is how we eat in da Pilipeens. Ip der is lipober, you put it in di prigideer. Andin tomoorrro, you eat it por brikpas. Ip der is still somor, you jusbalon it por work. You can also eat di ispagiti wid rice.

Dat is Pilipino ispagiti. Andin ip der is still somor, ay do not tro dat away. You jus gib it to deedogs or deecats outside, a. Dat is becos ispagiti is por long lipe. I don't like to see it weested. So mga kababayans, you itry dis ricipi.

courtesy of Lurkah

[Pomai]

Da' "Tree" Locals, 1 bowl of Stew

Da Hawaiian, Japanee and Podagee students all shared one dorm room. Being college students they spent most of their income on booze. But, there was ONE bowl of beef stew left in the refrigerator.

So they made a deal.. whoever has the BEST dream can eat the stew in the morning.

So they go sleep. When they wake the Hawaiian goes, "brah, I had da' bes' dream! I went dream we had 50 hot chics all partying with us here!"

Da' Japanee goes, "Brah my dream was mo' mean! I went dream we was rollin' with hot chics in g-strings in our own pimped-out slammed Acura RS's!".

Then they look in the refrigerator and the stew is gone! Then the two of them looks for da Podagee and they find him hiding the hallway. They ask da Podagee, "eh brah, you went eat da' beef stew or what?". Da Podagee guy says in a frightened tone, "Yeah............I went dream you guys was full, so I woke up and ate da' stew".

[Pomai]

Da' "Tree" Locals, Fire Rescue

Da Hawaiian, Filipino and Podagee was stuck on the top floor of a burning building. When the fire department arrives, they immediately hold out a safety net for the victims to jump down on. So da' Hawaiian the da' Filipino go for it and jump to safety.

But da' Podagee refuses to jump. The fire crew yells up to him, "sir please get over your fears and jump or we can't help you!". Da Podagee yells back, "No way brah! I not going jump until you put da' net down on da' ground first!".

[1stwahine]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE . LET ME!



The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where

the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma

couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to

communicate.



After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the

right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and

stuffed pillows on her right.



A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the

family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.



Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed

her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.



A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,

you're looking good! How are they treating you?"



Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the

nephew... "They won't let me Otote!"

(courtesy of Tita Lika)

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

a kid-friendly one:

Do you know what kakimochi is?

Yes.

Do you know when it was made?

No. When?

Da Arare!

[Pomai]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

I did a search using the HT tool before starting this thread to see if a joke thread already existed here, to no avail.

Now a buddy in our office found one through google in the HT archive vault here:
Local Jokes

But as' ar'right... it can continue here!

Pua'i Mana'o, 1st Wahine and Lurkah already posted some great ones... Tanx' eh!

[GypsyLika]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE . LET ME!



The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where

the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma

couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to

communicate.



After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the

right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and

stuffed pillows on her right.



A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the

family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.



Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed

her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.



A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,

you're looking good! How are they treating you?"



Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the

nephew... "They won't let me Otote!"

(courtesy of Tita Lika)

ALOHA Belots & Botos ~ I'm IN! Mahalo Ryan. You juss wanted one moe Titamoke in hea fo'make anykine

~Lika

[Pomai]

Local Parking Lot Jokes (classics)

Da' Samoan was attempting to park his bomber-sized 1974 Chevy Station Wagon in a compact stall, when the parking attendant stops him and says, "Sir this lot is only for compacts".
Da Samoan replies, "No worry, I gonna compac" (come back).


Slick Vic already brought this one up in da' odda' thread...

The "A" lot is full
The "C" lot is full
Only one more parking lot remains open...

[GypsyLika]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

Manoy Eleuterio ~ You guyz know him?

A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart. An office manager at Wal-Mart was
given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting
through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.
An American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino. He decided to call the
four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging
Dave, the American on his right, the man replied, " A THOUGHT". It just pops
into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian. "Hmm.... let me see. A
blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK
is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the
interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring da 3 frevyos ansers sirrr, et's obyus to me dat de pusstest ting known is
Diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"O I can expleyn serrr ." said Eleuterio "YOU SEE SERR, De odder day I
wasn't peeeling bery good and I run soooo pusst to de battrroom, BUT bepore I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON DE LIGHT, I alrrreddy had de sheets in my panhts. Aysos nako!"

Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.


~Lika

[GypsyLika]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

KKK ~ One moe (since I was looking in my archives la dat)

From my Email files (eh no was me I no moe kala):

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange
so I went to the currency exchange window at the local
bank.
Short line ... just one guy in front of me.

The guy in front of me was a Pakay guy who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little
agitated ... he asked the teller, "why it change?
yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get
hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller replies, "Fluctuations."

The Pakay guy yells, "Fluc you white guys too!"



~Lika

[kimo55]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

but i wouldnt wanna shake that greeter's hand.