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You might be a snowball if...
1......you don't know what a 'snowball' is.
2......you think 'snowball' is a name of a pink coconut flake covered snack cake.
3......you're a kahuna, and all your friends are kahunas too.
4......your Hawaiian cultural teacher only speaks English.
5......you have a plastic Lei hanging from your rear view mirror.
6......you have a surfboard but can't surf.
7......you think 'coconuts' are for eating.
8......you gave all your dogs authentic Hawaiian names.
9......you've never woken up with a houseful strangers fixing themselves breakfast, eating your bacon, and calling you 'cuz'.
10....you named your dog, cat, or hamster for a Hawaiian Diety.
11....you think 'Blue Hawaii' is a great cultural movie.
12....you don't know who Kawaipuna Prejean is.
13....you want to know where to apply to get your short Hawaiian name to fit on your authentic native Hawaiian bracelet.
14....you desperately want to date a native Hawaiian person.
15....you've been studying native Hawaiian spirituality for three months and are now ready to place laulau stones at a heiau.
16....you send greeting cards with images of Coconut bra'd Hula girls on them.
17....you have 'Hawaiian scent' air freshener in your car.
18....you have never stood next to a dancer after several hours of Hula in the hot sun...and therefore think 'Hawaiian scent' is something you want to have in your car.
19....you don't know what a Kanaka Maoli is.
20....you want to get a cool Hawaiian tribal style tattoo.
21....you bought the soundtrack to Disney's Lilo and Stitch and sing along.
22....your mother gave you a t shirt with a picture of a scantily clad woman in a grass skirt for your birthday.
23....you think pinapples are a native fruit.
24....you think Hawaiian pizza is based on a traditional dish.
25....you're only interested in the 'good parts' of Hawaiian culture.
26....you interrupt an elder to tell them they're wrong because a book you read said so.
27....you have a malo to wear and you're female.
28....you believe that 'freedom of expression' gives you the right to poke your nose into matters that don't concern you.
29....you ask a question, then argue with the answer.
30....you think slippers are fuzzy and have bunny ears.
31....you gave your child a Hawaiian name, but it never occurred to you to ask what it meant until it was too late.
32....you have a plastic jiggeling hula girl on your car's dashboard.
33....you put honey or sugar in your poi to cover the taste
34....you think poi balls are traditional dumplings
35....you think native Hawaiians should put up with your crap because after it's the "Aloha Spirit"
36....you think being 'Hawaiian at Heart' entitles you to buy some homestead property.
37....you feel sorry for the poor native Hawaiians who are so benighted they can't understand that you're right.
38....when entering an argument with a native Hawaiian, you attack the use of pidgen instead of the points they have to make.
39....you exhort us to unite and work together and get along with each other--as if nobody had ever thought of this (obvious) idea before.
40....you just adore Ken Conklin's understanding of native Hawaiian issues.
41....it embarrasses you to be seen in the company of native Hawaiians, so you'd rather hang out with snowballs like yourself.
42....you can't see that you are funny.
43. You so want a kakau (tattoo) but was stopped short when the kanaka maoli tattooist asked to see your geneology.
44. After much talking and justifying, you manage to convince the same tattooist to give you a "traditional" tattoo after all.
45. Elated by being allowed a tattoo by a kanaka no less, you decide and insist on the placement. Never mind the consternation of the artist.
46. You wonder why, while walking around in a tank top in Papakolea, proudly strutting your stuff with your new tattoo bared for all to see, there's a ruckus of laughter coming from behind closed doors and curtained windows of each house as you walk on by. You chalk this up to jealousy.
47. You insist you're Native Hawaiian even though your State of Hawai'i birth certificate has every other ethnicity but Hawaiian listed on it.
48. You don't know what an "Operation 'Ohana" card is, and wouldn't qualify for one even if you did.
49. You think a lomi stick is used as a walking stick or cane.
50. You refer to your meals as kaukau and not 'ai, mea 'ai or ho'ai.
51. You refer to yours or someone elses butt as 'okole (anus) instead of lemu (buttocks).
52. When you hear a man chant or sing in a high pitched voice, while adorned with lei, you automatically think he is either gay or one of them male "kumu hula".
53. Your great-great-great-great grandparent(s) was a Japanese plantation worker, whose naturalisation into the Hawaiian Kingdom, gives you the right to vote in kanaka maoli matters. Even though there's no record to say he/she actually voted in elections before the overthrow.
54. You self-identify as a Native Hawaiian for simply having been born and raised in Hawai'i.
55. You've never been to a puwalu.
56. Your authentic calabash is made in the Philipines or Taiwan
57. You've made kalua pig by using liquid smoke and Morton's salt.
58. You make laulau by using spinach instead of lu'au and ha.
59. You didn't know that your authentic Hawaiian Bracelet is actually a knockoff of ones ordered by Queen Lili'uokalani from England.
60. You've never bathed in a pakini with water heated over fire.
61. You wear faux Ni'ihau shell leis or a puka shell choker made in Taiwan or the Philipines
62. You won't eat poi because it taste like "wallpaper paste".
63. You won't eat "rubbah tires" because it's not your idea of a real pancake.
64. Your idea of an authentic Hawaiian lu'au is the ones you went to at Polynesian Cultural Center, Paradise Cove or Germain's Lu'au.
65. Your idea of celebrating your Hawaiianess is to spend your honeymoon in Hawai'i, play puka shell tour guide, then post all photos, including duplicates, on the web, while talking crap about Hawaiians. Talk is cheap, but you wouldn't know it from the bill that's for sure.
66. You have a Coco Joe's Tiki hanging from your car rear view mirror.
67. You join the Nuage movement, built a rock pile in Kona from what you've read in the tourist brochure and make an offering of a pohaku laulau as a way of communing with the 'aina and its ancient peoples.
68. You think kanaka maoli should put up with your crap because after all, "we're all related" and can trace our beginnings back to Africa.
69....you think working for Sovereignty and voting in the current nations elections are in opposition.
70....you get upset because you can't be a 'real' Hawaiian because of that 'blood quantum' thing native Hawaiians came up with.
71....you despise Sovereignty Activists yet you just 'adore' Braddha Iz's words and music.
72....you think that to 'be' native you have to live in a grass hut.
73....you think that adaptation and assimilation are always synonymouse and outward moving.
74....you think that the ritual you paid $X amount to learn is a real 'Ancient Hawaiian Ritual'.
75....you collect and accessorize your home in that cool 'tiki' junk
76....you wish you could look like one of those hot Hawaiians in the brochures.
77....you think being born in the state of Hawaii makes you a native Hawaiian.
78....you think that it's ok to use terms like 'toenail Hawaiian' yet cry racisim when you aren't taken seriously.
79....you demonstrate a position of societal privilege by your need to 'speak for' native Hawaiians
80....you think you're native Hawaiian due to place of birth, but don't have Kapuna in your family who was punished for speaking their own language.
81....if you've never felt 'invisible'
89....if you don't understand the concept of family Oli
90. You are a diehard advocate for Humanism, posting/shouting the mantra "Human Soverignty Now!"
91. ...You think that James Michener's "Hawaii" is an accurate description of the Origin/Culture of Hawaii.
92...You think that, after watching the movie "North Shore" you think Nia Peeples (sp?) MUST be Hawaiian.
93...You only share what you have if you have enough for yourself first
(Based on the Ndn version of "You might be a Twinkie if....")
1......you don't know what a 'snowball' is.
2......you think 'snowball' is a name of a pink coconut flake covered snack cake.
3......you're a kahuna, and all your friends are kahunas too.
4......your Hawaiian cultural teacher only speaks English.
5......you have a plastic Lei hanging from your rear view mirror.
6......you have a surfboard but can't surf.
7......you think 'coconuts' are for eating.
8......you gave all your dogs authentic Hawaiian names.
9......you've never woken up with a houseful strangers fixing themselves breakfast, eating your bacon, and calling you 'cuz'.
10....you named your dog, cat, or hamster for a Hawaiian Diety.
11....you think 'Blue Hawaii' is a great cultural movie.
12....you don't know who Kawaipuna Prejean is.
13....you want to know where to apply to get your short Hawaiian name to fit on your authentic native Hawaiian bracelet.
14....you desperately want to date a native Hawaiian person.
15....you've been studying native Hawaiian spirituality for three months and are now ready to place laulau stones at a heiau.
16....you send greeting cards with images of Coconut bra'd Hula girls on them.
17....you have 'Hawaiian scent' air freshener in your car.
18....you have never stood next to a dancer after several hours of Hula in the hot sun...and therefore think 'Hawaiian scent' is something you want to have in your car.
19....you don't know what a Kanaka Maoli is.
20....you want to get a cool Hawaiian tribal style tattoo.
21....you bought the soundtrack to Disney's Lilo and Stitch and sing along.
22....your mother gave you a t shirt with a picture of a scantily clad woman in a grass skirt for your birthday.
23....you think pinapples are a native fruit.
24....you think Hawaiian pizza is based on a traditional dish.
25....you're only interested in the 'good parts' of Hawaiian culture.
26....you interrupt an elder to tell them they're wrong because a book you read said so.
27....you have a malo to wear and you're female.
28....you believe that 'freedom of expression' gives you the right to poke your nose into matters that don't concern you.
29....you ask a question, then argue with the answer.
30....you think slippers are fuzzy and have bunny ears.
31....you gave your child a Hawaiian name, but it never occurred to you to ask what it meant until it was too late.
32....you have a plastic jiggeling hula girl on your car's dashboard.
33....you put honey or sugar in your poi to cover the taste
34....you think poi balls are traditional dumplings
35....you think native Hawaiians should put up with your crap because after it's the "Aloha Spirit"
36....you think being 'Hawaiian at Heart' entitles you to buy some homestead property.
37....you feel sorry for the poor native Hawaiians who are so benighted they can't understand that you're right.
38....when entering an argument with a native Hawaiian, you attack the use of pidgen instead of the points they have to make.
39....you exhort us to unite and work together and get along with each other--as if nobody had ever thought of this (obvious) idea before.
40....you just adore Ken Conklin's understanding of native Hawaiian issues.
41....it embarrasses you to be seen in the company of native Hawaiians, so you'd rather hang out with snowballs like yourself.
42....you can't see that you are funny.
43. You so want a kakau (tattoo) but was stopped short when the kanaka maoli tattooist asked to see your geneology.
44. After much talking and justifying, you manage to convince the same tattooist to give you a "traditional" tattoo after all.
45. Elated by being allowed a tattoo by a kanaka no less, you decide and insist on the placement. Never mind the consternation of the artist.
46. You wonder why, while walking around in a tank top in Papakolea, proudly strutting your stuff with your new tattoo bared for all to see, there's a ruckus of laughter coming from behind closed doors and curtained windows of each house as you walk on by. You chalk this up to jealousy.
47. You insist you're Native Hawaiian even though your State of Hawai'i birth certificate has every other ethnicity but Hawaiian listed on it.
48. You don't know what an "Operation 'Ohana" card is, and wouldn't qualify for one even if you did.
49. You think a lomi stick is used as a walking stick or cane.
50. You refer to your meals as kaukau and not 'ai, mea 'ai or ho'ai.
51. You refer to yours or someone elses butt as 'okole (anus) instead of lemu (buttocks).
52. When you hear a man chant or sing in a high pitched voice, while adorned with lei, you automatically think he is either gay or one of them male "kumu hula".
53. Your great-great-great-great grandparent(s) was a Japanese plantation worker, whose naturalisation into the Hawaiian Kingdom, gives you the right to vote in kanaka maoli matters. Even though there's no record to say he/she actually voted in elections before the overthrow.
54. You self-identify as a Native Hawaiian for simply having been born and raised in Hawai'i.
55. You've never been to a puwalu.
56. Your authentic calabash is made in the Philipines or Taiwan
57. You've made kalua pig by using liquid smoke and Morton's salt.
58. You make laulau by using spinach instead of lu'au and ha.
59. You didn't know that your authentic Hawaiian Bracelet is actually a knockoff of ones ordered by Queen Lili'uokalani from England.
60. You've never bathed in a pakini with water heated over fire.
61. You wear faux Ni'ihau shell leis or a puka shell choker made in Taiwan or the Philipines
62. You won't eat poi because it taste like "wallpaper paste".
63. You won't eat "rubbah tires" because it's not your idea of a real pancake.
64. Your idea of an authentic Hawaiian lu'au is the ones you went to at Polynesian Cultural Center, Paradise Cove or Germain's Lu'au.
65. Your idea of celebrating your Hawaiianess is to spend your honeymoon in Hawai'i, play puka shell tour guide, then post all photos, including duplicates, on the web, while talking crap about Hawaiians. Talk is cheap, but you wouldn't know it from the bill that's for sure.
66. You have a Coco Joe's Tiki hanging from your car rear view mirror.
67. You join the Nuage movement, built a rock pile in Kona from what you've read in the tourist brochure and make an offering of a pohaku laulau as a way of communing with the 'aina and its ancient peoples.
68. You think kanaka maoli should put up with your crap because after all, "we're all related" and can trace our beginnings back to Africa.
69....you think working for Sovereignty and voting in the current nations elections are in opposition.
70....you get upset because you can't be a 'real' Hawaiian because of that 'blood quantum' thing native Hawaiians came up with.
71....you despise Sovereignty Activists yet you just 'adore' Braddha Iz's words and music.
72....you think that to 'be' native you have to live in a grass hut.
73....you think that adaptation and assimilation are always synonymouse and outward moving.
74....you think that the ritual you paid $X amount to learn is a real 'Ancient Hawaiian Ritual'.
75....you collect and accessorize your home in that cool 'tiki' junk
76....you wish you could look like one of those hot Hawaiians in the brochures.
77....you think being born in the state of Hawaii makes you a native Hawaiian.
78....you think that it's ok to use terms like 'toenail Hawaiian' yet cry racisim when you aren't taken seriously.
79....you demonstrate a position of societal privilege by your need to 'speak for' native Hawaiians
80....you think you're native Hawaiian due to place of birth, but don't have Kapuna in your family who was punished for speaking their own language.
81....if you've never felt 'invisible'
89....if you don't understand the concept of family Oli
90. You are a diehard advocate for Humanism, posting/shouting the mantra "Human Soverignty Now!"
91. ...You think that James Michener's "Hawaii" is an accurate description of the Origin/Culture of Hawaii.
92...You think that, after watching the movie "North Shore" you think Nia Peeples (sp?) MUST be Hawaiian.
93...You only share what you have if you have enough for yourself first
(Based on the Ndn version of "You might be a Twinkie if....")
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