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After three wearying days of hands-on and personal ministry, I felt the need of solitude, and packing my few belongings, and the profoundly beautiful and splendid gift the Temple had awarded me, headed to the sacred and magical valley of Kalalau to rejuvenate and revitalize my flagging scorpion.
of course, dropping shit like that does not cover the real bullshheeet found in sentences like these:
I was surprised to encounter not a sun-bronzed, weather-worn native of these verdant islands, but a mild and fey white man in a garishly colored print shirt and knee pants. (uhh-huuuh, me too) My doubts as to his credibility and shamanship immediately subsided, however, when he began to speak in the same abstruse and feculent manner as myself. Here was a brother of the spirit indeed. I sat spellbound as he spoke of the true meaning of the Hawaiian culture, its long forgotten and misunderstood metaphysical implications, unrealized by even the benighted Hawaiians themselves. (whaaat?!?!)
I sat erect in moist attention (ew) as he intoned an oli, an ancient Hawaiian chant, the meaning, the kauna of which he had twisted into a new and cunning shape. He related in metaphors redolent with strawberry incense and mung beans how on his arrival in these isles, he had psychically mastered all aspects of Hawaiian culture and was endued with an abstract understanding of the language (though speak it he could not), its subtleties and vagaries notwithstanding, something even the poor, intellectually challenged peoples of this land were unable to accomplish.
Yeah, that "moist attention" part got to me too. Depends, anyone?
Miulang
"Americans believe in three freedoms. Freedom of speech; freedom of religion; and the freedom to deny the other two to folks they don`t like.” --Mark Twain
I laid before my new friend an 'ahu 'ula, an exact duplicate of the feathered capes worn by the ancient ali'i and kahuna of Hawaii. "Countless thousands of small, harmless and colorful birds died to make this, my friend. I think it only fitting that it be draped upon your sloping shoulders. Their forever silenced songs will now resound in your psychically memorized oli. Wear it unto greatness, increased book sales and a taurian seminar market," I said, my eyes brimming with tears.
[rocking back and forth, eyes brimming with tears. My spleen hurts from all the vomiting]
He had made his way up the arduous slopes of the sleeping white giant, Mauna Kea, bedecked in the bright yellow cape, and nearing its summit began to chant his carefully memorized oli with the skill only a white man from Oklahoma could display.
"...On the island life has resumed its normalcy, the Hawaiians remaining blissfully ignorant of the deep hidden cosmic messages in their culture, language and traditions. But to honor the memory of Pilau, the children still face the western slope of Mauna Kea whenever they eat a bologna sandwich...."
I'm dying ova here! I guess Pilau is wreaking his revenge on the poor keiki who look for guidance as they chomp on their Wonder Bread/BALONEY sandwiches! bahahahahahahaha "pilau" and "hauna" indeed!
Miulang
"Americans believe in three freedoms. Freedom of speech; freedom of religion; and the freedom to deny the other two to folks they don`t like.” --Mark Twain
I was surprised to encounter not a sun-bronzed, weather-worn native of these verdant islands, but a mild and fey white man in a garishly colored print shirt and knee pants, actually looking for a sun bronzed.... but i digress. he wore a Timmy Banana Hawaiian shirt, haraches, was listening to Jimmy Buffet and screaming "Where's Andre! Andre, where the HELL is my chiffon!"
I sat erect in moist attention cuz I couln't stand, as he used coppertone oil, he intoned an oli, an ancient Hawaiian chant, the meaning, the interpretation, the intimation, the kauna of which he had twisted, skewed, bent, angled, arched, contorted, doubled over, inclined, warped, wilted into a new, not old, recently maufactured, just out, unique, fresh, unused, latest, mod, and cunning shape, design, outline, configuration, pattern. He related in metaphors, allegories, analogies, imagery, metonymy, personifications, similies, symbology, redolent with strawberry alarmclocks which made me incensed with peppermints and mung beans, with a lil salsa from new yawk city on it. how on his arrival in these isles, (NEW YAWK CITY!?) he had psychically mastered all aspects of Hawaiian culture and was endued with an abstract understanding of the language (though speak it he could not), (and neither can I, it is obvious, speak any language not) its subtleties and vagaries notwithstanding the aforementioned heretofore, something even the poor, intellectually challenged peoples of this land were unable to accomplish, cuz ven der master sez.... ve iss der master race, ve say HEIL, Heil, right in der....aaah fergeddit!
"...He related in metaphors redolent with strawberry incense and mung beans how on his arrival in these isles, he had psychically mastered all aspects of Hawaiian culture and was endued with an abstract understanding of the language (though speak it he could not), its subtleties and vagaries notwithstanding, something even the poor, intellectually challenged peoples of this land were unable to accomplish...."
Hey! I didn't know mung beans smelled...unless you didn't use them right away and they rot. And what kinda metaphor is redolent with strawberry incense...where's Bu La'ia when you need him?
Miulang
"Americans believe in three freedoms. Freedom of speech; freedom of religion; and the freedom to deny the other two to folks they don`t like.” --Mark Twain
The funny part is that if you remove the satirical references, there are quite a few people on this island who would swear that passage was bestowed upon the writer by the highest authority.
FutureNewsNetwork.com
Energy answers are already here.
That page is funny because the writer is so good at capturing, twisting and beautifully satirizing a whole genre of New Age-y, pseudo-spiritual opportunists who scam oodles of naive suckers with their self-indulgent, patronizing ramblings.
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