Politeness Customs

[Bard]

I saw some other threads in the search that had similar ideas but they were closed due to other issues that popped up (apologies if I missed one...).

I was wondering what people here think about things a visitor should do to avoid being rude. Not the "how do I act local" things, those topics have been flayed and fried in other threads pretty thoroughly. I'm thinking of stuff like, bring something with you when you visit someone's house. Take off your shoes before entering someone's house. Chill out, don't honk your horn at people in your car. And of course, be yourself, respect the people who live there already and don't be patronizing by trying to "act local"...

Am I breaking that last one already? I don't mean to -- just want to be good to the people I meet.

I guess I could rephrase this as "what are the things mainland visitors do that peeve you" but I don't want to start it off negative like that.

[Leo Lakio]

Re: Politeness Customs

And of course, be yourself, respect the people who live there already and don't be patronizing by trying to "act local"...

Good start right there.

Also, be observant - eyes open, mouth closed - pick up on what people do. As you make friends, don't be afraid to ask questions and admit that you are trying to do right by local ways.

And don't be surprised if you can't figure out "local ways," as they will vary from person to person, from house to house, from season to season, from place to place. What I hope you will find, however, is that a violation of a local custom can usually be rectified with a sincere apology, and admittance that you are trying to decrease your ignorance.

And be sure you know about omiyage. If you aren't clear about this, let's talk at Kalama this weekend!

[Menehune Man]

Re: Politeness Customs

Something I've noticed about mainlanders, or recently moved here...

A serious case of impatience!
Those of us that have grown up here or have lived in Hawai'i for years have learned to "Go with the flow".

Examples:
(Tourist) A tour bus is ten minutes late to pick a group up from the hotel.
Some people get sooo upset about it that they ruin their day,
and the day of those around them. Please folks, just relax and be polite.

(Recent Resident) A guy gets off work Downtown and only has to drive home to Makiki, but King St. has alot of traffic. Note: He hasn't learned the back / secret ways yet. First he starts mumbling, then swearing and then flipping people off. All in less than fifteen minutes! Please folks, just relax and be polite.

[blueyecicle]

Re: Politeness Customs

Good start right there.

Also, be observant - eyes open, mouth closed - pick up on what people do. As you make friends, don't be afraid to ask questions and admit that you are trying to do right by local ways.

And don't be surprised if you can't figure out "local ways," as they will vary from person to person, from house to house, from season to season, from place to place. What I hope you will find, however, is that a violation of a local custom can usually be rectified with a sincere apology, and admittance that you are trying to decrease your ignorance.

And be sure you know about omiyage. If you aren't clear about this, let's talk at Kalama this weekend!

So just don't be an a** and use common sense ?

Every time I visit I am told by other "visitors" Be careful..don't go there it's dangerous....But to be honest. I have never had even one issue EVER anywhere I have been. Islands or otherwise.

I am respectful and just myself and don't try to force my views and judgements on others and other do the same thing for me.

But I am not the loud drunk guy peeing on the corner either!

[Adri]

Re: Politeness Customs

I worked with someone who moved here from New York and he habitually talks fast, especially when he's excited by new ideas. He is not rude (as in putting people down or talking stink or swearing at people) ~ all the words are polite and he does check to see what people's opinions are. But people didn't like working with him and the complaints we got were that they felt he was "steamrollering" them by talking fast or that the pace of his speech was just too "mainland". Some people cited it as a large part of the reason they thought he was arrogant, rude or uncomfortable to work with. He really had to work on trying to change the lifetime pattern of how he talks.

[Bard]

Re: Politeness Customs

What I hope you will find, however, is that a violation of a local custom can usually be rectified with a sincere apology, and admittance that you are trying to decrease your ignorance.

I'm happy to oblige on that count. I know some places you go, if you make the wrong mistake word gets around and.. that's it.

And be sure you know about omiyage. If you aren't clear about this, let's talk at Kalama this weekend!

Omiyage is like in Japan, right?

Thanks for the responses, everyone. I can really get behind the "be patient and chill". It's not the culture I grew up in, but I've become very acclimatized to it living where I do (though maybe not to the degree that is normal in Hawai'i ). I'm actually shocked when I go visit my family now because they're very demanding, like if their waitress doesn't seem to be going fast enough for their tastes or if they get their order wrong. I've got my limits (took 60 minutes to get a burger at a fast food place in Austin one time, at 2AM!) but I'd generally prefer to be cool with people than get my way. Those guys are human too.

[Leo Lakio]

Re: Politeness Customs

Something I've noticed about mainlanders, or recently moved here...
A serious case of impatience!
Those of us that have grown up here or have lived in Hawai'i for years have learned to "Go with the flow".

Yeah, the concept of "Hawaiian Time" is not always easy to get into. At least not the first couple days of vacation, when your body is still in rush-around mode. Or the last few days, when you realize you have so many more things to smash into your limited vacation time. Or the few days in the middle, where you over-booked yourself. I don't vacation in Hawai`i - I go there to visit the AF's family. That simple adjustment makes a world of difference to me, and I can begin to relax as soon as the airplane door opens and I smell the air (even if it is Honolulu International's air.)

Another "local ways" point I thought about: so many cultures enter into the mix that some customs have been adopted by others in the Islands (non-Japanese bringing omiyage), but others may be unique to a particular ethnic group and will not necessarily apply to others.

Omiyage is like in Japan, right?

Kinda sorta, yeah. Basically, you don't go visit people empty-handed, and if you can bring a special gift or treat (food is ALWAYS welcome) that represents the region you are from, and is not so easily found in your host's home area, all the better. Around here, Trader Joe's is a great source for all kinds of wonderful snack foods to bring to people you visit in Hawai`i, as there's no TJ's in the Islands. Fortunately, since we stay in family homes, we can ship a LARGE box, filled with omiyage, ahead of us before we fly (so we don't have to pack it in our suitcases), and vice-versa on the return trip.

[Bard]

Re: Politeness Customs

Heh, good ideas on the omiyage there. It's kind of funny, I lived with a bunch of guys who were studying Japanese culture and language back in Austin (which is partially how I got to studying a bit). They got me in the habit of bringing omiyage earlier, but the rest of my family doesn't really get it. I'll bring them Marionberry jam or something uniquely northwestern like that, and they're just kinda like... ohh, that's sweet, what's the occasion?

We also tend to dump all our shoes at the door, it just makes sense -- less dirt in the house and they're easy to find when you want to leave. But my family will spend all day in their house with their shoes on. I've actually heard them tell my nieces and nephews to put their shoes back on in the house! If I leave mine at the door they'll usually end up somewhere else since it's not "tidy".

[blueyecicle]

Re: Politeness Customs

Yeah, the concept of "Hawaiian Time" is not always easy to get into. At least not the first couple days of vacation, when your body is still in rush-around mode. Or the last few days, when you realize you have so many more things to smash into your limited vacation time. Or the few days in the middle, where you over-booked yourself. I don't vacation in Hawai`i - I go there to visit the AF's family. That simple adjustment makes a world of difference to me, and I can begin to relax as soon as the airplane door opens and I smell the air (even if it is Honolulu International's air.)

Many countries are on "hawaiian time" though. Germany is more relaxed and Italy...!... look at their work day.

It's not only Hawaii.

I think America in general is just more rushed period!
We are too worried about work and tecnology and less worried about relaxing and family.

[timkona]

Re: Politeness Customs

I love it when the building department takes their time to get you a permit for your home.

I love it when (insert person) drives 35 mph in a 45 mph zone.

I love it when you show up to a party at the posted time, and you are the first person there by over an hour.

I love it when you buy Christmas gifts on the internet in November that arrive to your home in January.

I love it when I am running late, and nobody really gives a crap what time you get there.

[Bard]

Re: Politeness Customs

Oddly enough those things apply in Portland as well, Tim. I'm finding a lot of things like that. My friends are real sloppy about keeping personal time appointments, and we drive like grandmas. You can see it in the frustration of the Washington drivers' faces down from Vancouver, or people up from SoCal. "Why won't these **** people go faster than 50 on the interstate!!"

... 'cause that's the speed limit!

[1stwahine]

Re: Politeness Customs

I worked with someone who moved here from New York and he habitually talks fast, especially when he's excited by new ideas. He is not rude (as in putting people down or talking stink or swearing at people) ~ all the words are polite and he does check to see what people's opinions are. But people didn't like working with him and the complaints we got were that they felt he was "steamrollering" them by talking fast or that the pace of his speech was just too "mainland". Some people cited it as a large part of the reason they thought he was arrogant, rude or uncomfortable to work with. He really had to work on trying to change the lifetime pattern of how he talks.

I know People from New York also. However, the person you describe may have suffered from Manic Depressiveness/Bi-Polarness. I also speak fast when I'm excited or not....when I'm MANIC.

"Speech in mania is rapid. Each word bursting forth on the heels of another, someone listening carefully can often piece the thoughts together." Patty Duke

"If there is an essence of grandiosity along with increses motor activity and racing speech from mania associated with manic-depressive illness." says Dr. Amsterdam "It may by psychotic, crazy mania but it's mania."
"The Many Faces Of Manic-Depressive Illness by Patty Duke and Gloria Hochman" - Paperback Book

Auntie Lynn

[Debwhosmiles]

Re: Politeness Customs

Many countries are on "hawaiian time" though. Germany is more relaxed and Italy...!... look at their work day.

It's not only Hawaii.

I think America in general is just more rushed period!
We are too worried about work and tecnology and less worried about relaxing and family.

Ever been to Tennessee or any of the other southern states? Newcomers and visitors are so aggravated by the slower pace. I just smile and figure they'll either get used to it or drive themselves crazy or leave. I loved living in Germany (Bavaria!) and vacationing in Italy. No problem with the 2 hr midday break, I wish the US would adopt the custom.

Temiyage and Omiyage
In order to thank somebody, e.g. for an invitation, one often presents a gift (temiyage) such as a cake, Japanese sweets or sake. Similarly, when a Japanese person returns from a trip, he or she bring home souvenirs (omiyage) to friends, co-workers and relatives.

This is Japanese??? It's been a Southern custom for generations so far as I know... it's just polite I think is the thing. I love buying stuff when I'm on vacation to give to folks back home, it's a legitimate excuse to shop and spend money. The neat thing about taking a plate of homemade goodies to someones home with you is that you know when they return your dish it will be filled with something from them...

[blueyecicle]

Re: Politeness Customs

Ever been to Tennessee or any of the other southern states? Newcomers and visitors are so aggravated by the slower pace. I just smile and figure they'll either get used to it or drive themselves crazy or leave. I loved living in Germany (Bavaria!) and vacationing in Italy. No problem with the 2 hr midday break, I wish the US would adopt the custom.

Yes..I guess I should not have generalized all states.

[Adri]

Re: Politeness Customs

I know People from New York also. However, the person you describe may have suffered from Manic Depressiveness/Bi-Polarness. I also speak fast when I'm excited or not....when I'm MANIC.

/snip
Auntie Lynn

I dunno Auntie. He might did tend to be hyper but not usually down. I've never thought about whether he might be manic depressive.