the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

[matapule]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

The answer on a Blonde's Geometry test.

[Kalalau]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

A Texas lad is visiting Harvard University. He comes up to a student and asks, "Where's the library at?"

The student replies, "At Harvard we never end a sentence with a preposition!"

"OK", says the Texas lad, "Where's the library at, asshole?"

[Kalalau]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron.. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.
I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 13 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Callaway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby.
His wife was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense
that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club

[Kalalau]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

[Kalalau]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

Sports Quotations

I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.

Doug Sanders, professional golfer



All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives"See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer."

Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher


Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play.

Harry Neale, professional hockey coach



When it's third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time.

Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver



I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad you're having trouble.

Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager



My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.

E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs

linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations





My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good.

Vic Braden, tennis instructor



Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.

Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver



When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did but it was Mrs. Koufax's.

Tommy John N.Y. Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery



I don't know. I only played there for nine years.

Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles



We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.

John Breen, Houston Oilers



The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.

Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons



When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.

Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher



The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.

Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach



I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.

Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner



Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day.

Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.



I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball.

Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach



I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday.

Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game



I tell him "Attaway to hit, George."

Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting



I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.

Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers



Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.

George MacIntyre, Vanderbuilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores

[Kalalau]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

Some Yogi Berra Quotes........


"This is like deja vu all over again."
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
"He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
"I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.
"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.
"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."
"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."
"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."
"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
"It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.
"Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.
Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
"Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.
"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."
"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."
"I made a wrong mistake."
"Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.
"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.
"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."
"If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."
"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."
"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."
"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."
"I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.
"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.
"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."
"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
"I didn't really say everything I said."