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Do you still give something to a close relative if they're not having a party?

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  • Do you still give something to a close relative if they're not having a party?

    Do you still give a gift or card to your young niece or nephew (elementary school age) if the parents are not throwing a birthday party? I do for my neices and nephews as well as for the children of my best friend. We couldn't have a party this year and my son is hurt because none of his aunties remembered his birthday. One of them called and I mentioned that to her. She replied that "that's the way it is when you don't have a party...no gift" and suggested that I host a dinner if we wanted it otherwise.

    I found that to be odd and a bit selfish. I just took it as "you get nothing from me unless I get something too." Maybe I'm way off base, but to me, that's a crappy way to think.

    Thoughts?


  • #2
    Re: Do you still give something to a close relative if they're not having a party?

    yep
    dass a crappy mindset.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Do you still give something to a close relative if they're not having a party?

      I can see forgetting a birthday if there's no party... but intentionally withholding any acknowledgement -- and I don't mean a gift, but just a call, or a card -- is pretty petty. I try to remember my various family members' birthdays and at least fire off a happy e-mail, and if I miss anyone it's not intentional.

      Still, there have been past discussions here at HawaiiThreads.com about the proverbial "family ledger" (or at least in once case, a literal ledger!) of who gave what, when, or who attended this but not that, and some kind of internal formula to determine whether a relative "deserves" one's attendance at a family function or a snub. A cultural thing, to be sure, that I guess I never got drilled into my brain as a kid.

      Which is to say, I bet such silly pointkeeping exists even in my family, but I'm just oblivious to it... and if my cousin says they can't come to my kid's party, I take 'em at their word, still attend their kids' parties if we can, and invite them again the next year.

      I do know that I have relatives take it personally when we don't have a party... opting instead for a quiet evening of cake and ice cream... though that's probably a combination of feeling bad for our kids, and the truism that any party is usually, deep down, for everyone else, rather than for the guest or guests of honor. So, who knows, maybe in those rare instances, we are cheating relatives out of something -- even if it is cold pizza and Malolo fruit punch in a neighborhood park!
      Last edited by pzarquon; July 2, 2006, 06:34 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Do you still give something to a close relative if they're not having a party?

        I give gifts mostly to people I care about whether or not they're having a party. I have heard some people say they won't give gifts to certain people (including relatives) if they consistently don't get some kind of thank you card or acknowledgment of the gift. I also have a relative who gives gifts up only up to a certain age for extended family member birthdays (I think she said 12).

        The older generations of my family kept ledgers (literal books) of who gave what for what occasion but I don't think they viewed it as petty pointkeeping so much as a complicated sort of social obligation. If someone gave your child $10 for a high school graduation present, you don't want to give that person's child $50 for a high school graduation present because that risks 1) looking like you're trying to show off and 2) making the first person worry that they were too cheap or embarrassing or shaming the first person. If you're the first giver, you look at the pattern of giving from the general family you're giving to because if they usually give $10 and you give $50, you may be burdening them to feel like next time they have to give a gift of $50. It wasn't so much "I won't give you if you don't give me or I only give you as much as you give me" as a way of trying not to embarrass or unduly obligate anyone and trying not to look like you're showing everyone up or trying to show off.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Do you still give something to a close relative if they're not having a party?

          Originally posted by lelei
          We couldn't have a party this year and my son is hurt because none of his aunties remembered his birthday. One of them called and I mentioned that to her. She replied that "that's the way it is when you don't have a party...no gift" and suggested that I host a dinner if we wanted it otherwise.
          Auntie is holding it against the child because she didn't get free food and drinks?

          Sounds like your son needs a new auntie.

          Actually, she sounds like a real classless, miserable bitch. And you can tell her I said so. Not that she'd care, but it might be kind of fun.

          I think your feelings about the situation are spot on.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Do you still give something to a close relative if they're not having a party?

            lelei, I volunteer to be his new auntie. I get plenty nieces and nephews. Plenty Hanai ones too. How old is your little one? Please give him a hug from me. I'll gladly send a gift to him - PM me.

            Auntie Lynn
            Be AKAMAI ~ KOKUA Hawai`i!
            Philippians 4:13 --- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Do you still give something to a close relative if they're not having a party?

              Originally posted by Adri
              I have heard some people say they won't give gifts to certain people (including relatives) if they consistently don't get some kind of thank you card or acknowledgment of the gift. I also have a relative who gives gifts up only up to a certain age for extended family member birthdays (I think she said 12).
              that kind of conditional restrictive "love" ain't worth the promise they lie it to ya with.
              Drop them like a hot tater and toss it to a neighborhood cur that ya hate. and get a real auntie. or friend as the case may be.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Do you still give something to a close relative if they're not having a party?

                Originally posted by lelei
                [...]Thoughts?

                Oh man...that stinks. Next year have a potluck picnic in a park; invite all his new aunties and uncles (from HT!); we'll bring the food AND gifts; have your son invite his friends. Ignore the selfish relatives. If they find out about it...so be it.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Do you still give something to a close relative if they're not having a party?

                  What Maddie said. Sheesh!
                  http://thissmallfrenchtown.blogspot.com/
                  http://thefrenchneighbor.blogspot.com/

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Thanks for your feedback.

                    Thank you so much for all of your thoughts on this situation. I'm calmer now and not wanting to yell or break something. I hate feeling so ugly toward relatives, but I'm his mom so I get to be! Hubby called his sister. She still thinks nothing of it, but will be giving my son a gift only because we'll be seeing them to celebrate the 4th. If we weren't seeing them soon, she still insists that no gift is necessary since he didn't have a formal celebration. Whatever. Can't change her mind. She's actually a very nice person (one of my favorite in-laws), and perhaps that's why her attitude on this shocked the hell out of me. I had to keep reminding myself of all the thoughtful things she's done for my children in the past. She has kids so you think she'd get how hurt he'd be by this.

                    On a side note, my son had a great birthday. We were able to have his best friend sleep over and they had a blast playing video games. The beach does sound like an excellent idea for next year though.

                    Auntie, my son is 10, but still a little guy to me.

                    thanks again,

                    L

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Thanks for your feedback.

                      Originally posted by lelei
                      Auntie, my son is 10, but still a little guy to me.
                      lelei, I understand. My one and only son will be 28 years old this October. He's still my little Boy to me too.

                      Auntie Lynn
                      Be AKAMAI ~ KOKUA Hawai`i!
                      Philippians 4:13 --- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

                      Comment

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