Serious question on dating a single parent

[scrivener]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

At some point, dating someone with a 'clean slate' after a certain age is suspicious....'what do you mean, you're still a virgin at forty? Wassamattah you?'

Of course you're entitled to your opinion, but there are people who, for whatever reason, are 40 (or nearing 40, as in my case) and virgins and don't have a darn thing wrong with them. It baffles me that people think that whether or not someone has had sex is a way to determine whether or not there's something wrong. My own virginity, in my opinion, is a sign that there is something right with me, and I know quite a few women who agree with me. Chastity is not a disease, whether you believe in it or not. If I go out and just have sex with the next willing partner, does that mean whatever could be wrong with me is suddenly fixed?

Yipe. A Dr. Laura reference. The woman's entitled to her opinion but the fact that so many turn to her as a voice of moral authority scares the hell out of me. Her specific views are hardly uncommon (mothers shouldn't work, extramarital sex is wrong, no one should date before age 18), but her insistence on black-and-white absolutes is ridiculous... particularly since she's basically broken all the rules she insists on promoting.

I am no fan of Laura Schlessinger, but I wonder if you think people actually turn to her as a voice of moral "authority." It seems to me that most of the people who listen to shows like hers have already made up their minds about their morals. I realize I'm going off-topic here, but it seems to me that radio hosts like Schlessinger (and even Al Franken) are not being paid to convert anyone, but to preach to the choir.

With all due respect to you, Paula - but generally, if Dr. Laura Suchabitch* says it, I'm agin' it! (* name adaptation courtesy of singer Cheryl Wheeler)

I'm a big fan of Cheryl Wheeler and of you, Leo, but do you really feel that way? You're opposed to everything Schlessinger is for?

To get this back on topic, any situation surrounding a potential partner is something to consider; I believe in taking things on case-by-case bases, and it's silly to throw a blanket policy over everything. The best answer is "it depends," and take it from there. A lot, of course, depends on you. If there's something about YOU that makes dating a single mom not quite right, well, then the question is not "should a person date a single parent?" but "should Mike Lowery date a single parent," and it's not wrong for the answer to that question to be no. Love is a personal, intimate thing, and it's idiotic and wrong for anyone to tell you how to choose the recipient of your love.

But yeah. Don't close all the doors before you get a peek at what's behind a few, ya know?

[Mike_Lowery]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

I always thought Dr. Laura was a douchebag anyway.

As much as people may feel "douchebag" diminishes the credibility of an argument, the use of the word in this case (describing Dr. Laura) is the only way to describe her . Just my $0.02, but I don't like her moralistic attitudes and perspectives on everything.

With all due respect to you, Paula - but generally, if Dr. Laura Suchabitch* says it, I'm agin' it!


(* name adaptation courtesy of singer Cheryl Wheeler)

Haha...the name adaptation gave me a chuckle.

Also, a toast to my first use of the multi-quote function, and for Ms. Multi-quote Function being there for me when I needed her for this post. Mabuhay!

Thank you all for your responses so far. I can't wait for more.

[lavagal]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

Whoopsie - not me! (Don't want the beloved Alpha Female from Kane`ohe to think something's up.) 'Tis Mike who might be in pursuit of the mom.

Sorry! And I certainly don't want to cause a breakup. Holy shee it. I'd be so upset with myself if such a mistake were not caught! thanks, LL!

[Leo Lakio]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

That said, if Leo is looking into dating a mom...

Whoopsie - not me! (Don't want the beloved Alpha Female from Kane`ohe to think something's up.) 'Tis Mike who might be in pursuit of the mom.

[SusieMisajon]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

After you get to be a certain age, finding a new, unused, not 'previously owned' partner may get to be a challenge...unless you are willing to go for younger and younger 'cherry' models.

At some point, dating someone with a 'clean slate' after a certain age is suspicious....'what do you mean, you're still a virgin at forty? Wassamattah you?'

[jdub]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

When I was running a small Montessori school in the East Bay, I started dating one of the single mothers I enrolled. In retrospect, I guess it was a bit of a conflict of interests. I enrolled her at a discount in a work exchange agreement. So we spent a lot of time together. I guess dating was inevitable, but as soon as she walked in the door, I hoped it was a foregone conclusion.

She was a terrific mom. She was a great friend. And she had a smashing Northern English accent. She was a Mensa member and luthier who made her own electric fiddle. It ended amicably, although I think she may have been in love with me at a time when I was still hopelessly hung up on my ex. I couldn't reciprocate, and she understood. We stayed friends, and I actually helped her stand up for intellectual parity with a professor she began dating.

I'd definitely date another single mom. My own mom was a single mom when she met my dad. And they're still together. Folks is folks and everyone's got baggage. I don't see kids as baggage.

[lavagal]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

I think we can all agree to disagree here. I think it would suck to be a widowed or divorced mother with a couple of kids to look out for on my own. I don't think people should be alone. I also don't think divorce should be a drive-through convenience either, especially if there are kids involved. That said, if Leo is looking into dating a mom, he should brace himself for a bumpy ride, with trials and tests at every turn. My folks got divorced when I was a teenager. I had two siblings. Not only were we all dealing with teen issues (that totally suck whether your mom and dad are there are not), but we had to deal with our parents acting like babies. Ripping up clothes in closets, beatings, cleaning out bank accounts, fooling around, showing up with weird dates. I still don't talk to my dad after 20 years. When you're a parent, looking out for Number One should include looking out for the kids, too.
I finally did get married (in my 30s) and I finally did have kids (in my 40s), and I was reluctant to do both. I now have no regrets. I'm a very happy wife and mom. How's this for odd: After my third miscarriage, my mom, in her weird way of trying to console me said, "Kid's aren't all they're cracked up to be." I beg to differ.

[damontucker]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

I'm pretty sure I was uncomfortable and scared and as a result drove away a few prospects (and relished doing it!).

I think it was more of me afraid of losing my mom... as I pretty much ended up losing my dad at the time do to the distance that they moved away from eachother. And watching my dad abuse my mom... I wasn't about to let any other guy do that again.

Maybe it's different with girls but my 2 were 10 and 11 when I remarried. Neither acted out when I was dating or after marrying.

Lucky j/k ...You must have met someone they approved of...none of my biz... but how old were they when you seperated from their father... They may have been more adjusted due to the length of time also.
Maybe it was different for me and PZ because I didn't have another sibling to have support.... PZ gained a sibling... The guys that were attempting to p/u my mom were just looking to get their rocks off... as far as I could tell... Cause the second I came into the picture.... they would scram!

[Leo Lakio]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

One of the few things we can actually agree on.

Hee-hee-hee!

[tutusue]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

[...]A dating parent may lead to instability for the child (and I too can attest to being a total nightmare for my dad when he started dating after my parents divorced),[...]
I'm pretty sure I was uncomfortable and scared and as a result drove away a few prospects (and relished doing it!).[...]

Wow, PZ. I hope your dad reads your entire post. He'd be proud, I'm sure. And, from the sounds of it, I'm really happy I only danced with your dad at the old Kahala Hilton!!! I hope Ethan knows what a neato step-brother he has!

Maybe it's different with girls but my 2 were 10 and 11 when I remarried. Neither acted out when I was dating or after marrying.

[Lei Liko]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

With all due respect to you, Paula - but generally, if Dr. Laura Suchabitch* says it, I'm agin' it!


(* name adaptation courtesy of singer Cheryl Wheeler)

One of the few things we can actually agree on.

[Leo Lakio]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

I like Dr. Laura's take on this

With all due respect to you, Paula - but generally, if Dr. Laura Suchabitch* says it, I'm agin' it!


(* name adaptation courtesy of singer Cheryl Wheeler)

[pzarquon]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

Yipe. A Dr. Laura reference. The woman's entitled to her opinion but the fact that so many turn to her as a voice of moral authority scares the hell out of me. Her specific views are hardly uncommon (mothers shouldn't work, extramarital sex is wrong, no one should date before age 18), but her insistence on black-and-white absolutes is ridiculous... particularly since she's basically broken all the rules she insists on promoting.

A dating parent may lead to instability for the child (and I too can attest to being a total nightmare for my dad when he started dating after my parents divorced), but may also lead to a strong and supportive whole family unit that you'd miss out on as a child if your single-parent became a celibate hermit until you were 18. Was it tough? Sure. I'm pretty sure I was uncomfortable and scared and as a result drove away a few prospects (and relished doing it!).

But I'm sure glad that everyone eventually soldiered through, that my dad found a new partner, and that I got to spend a few years as "a kid" with a new stepbrother. My family is larger, ultimately, and happier.

[Konaguy]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

It is going to require a lot of hard work on your part to make it work. After
seeing my brother get involved with a woman whom already has two kids,
it has radically changed his life. All I can say is I'm very lucky that I'm still single- I can do whatever I like whenever I like

[Lei Liko]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

I like Dr. Laura's take on this: Don't. Let this person raise their children and when they are 18 then this person can start dating again. The children need their parent to be both mother and father. If children have to watch their parent go through a series of relationships, get to the point where they might have a new "daddy" or "mommy," and then that person is suddenly out of the picture, it throws the kid off. First, the child observes the parent to learn how members of the oposite sex are treated. If you shack up with another, the kid learns that shacking up is acceptable behavior. The kid also learns that when you're through with each other, it's OK to pack up and run. If there is indeed a serious commitment, then waiting until children are grown and safely ushered into the world will not be such a difficult thing to do. Kids first.

I always thought Dr. Laura was a douchebag anyway.