Serious question on dating a single parent

[kumukulanui]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

I was a single dad and my daughter is now 25. When she was younger she had priority in my life in all ways. As she got older that changed, but it would be too simple to say that a partner took priority. It was more like letting a partner influence more things as my daughter got older. But if it comes to 'the crunch', daughter still gets priority.

Peter Forster

[Senora]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

My mom was a single mom and she never, ever got into another relationship after my father. She is a beautiful, successful, hard-working woman who put me as her #1 priority while I was growing up. I know that lots of kids suffer because their single parent gets involved with another person. The kids get to know and spend lots of time with them together... and maybe it (the relationship) doesn't work out. The kids feel rejected and confused, too. Luckily, I was fortunate and never had to experience that.

[Smudge]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

Interesting discussion and while I agree that some children do suffer when their single parent becomes involved with a new partner, there is another side to the coin and some actually benefit.

I divorced my 1st husband when my daughters were 8 and 10. Although he was never physically violent he had the most horrendous temper and would lash out verbally if they did something he didn't like, calling them everything under the sun and generally making them feel worthless. I got the same treatment. A very unhealthy and damaging atmosphere for anyone to be brought up in.

A couple of years later I met the sweet, even-tempered and gentle man who has now been my husband for 10 years. Although initially they were not particularly overjoyed at me becoming involved with someone else, they would say now that they wouldn't have had it any other way.

I remember vivdly one of the first times we went out together for something to eat with the kids, the youngest knocked over a glass of water on the table. The look of terror on her face as she glanced towards my new partner, fully expecting an explosive outburst of anger (in her very limited experience that's what adult men did) was painful to witness. He of course laughed it off as an accident and told her that the table needed a clean anyway. That was it, she had a new hero.

They have now both had the benefit of 10 years with a loving father figure, something they hadn't had before and also the joy of living in a stable and loving family and it has been the making of them. They have both turned out to be decent, respectful and successful young adults who now have happy as well as sad memories of their formative years.

I am not for a moment suggesting that single parents can't devote themselves only to their children and not have a good outcome, of course they can, but from my own perspective I think it is worth remembering that a new stepdad or mum can be a positive and beneficial thing and not always necessarily negative. I think that this is especially true for children who have had a damaging relationship with the absent parent.

I wish the original poster well and hope that any prospective new partners children will benefit from having him around, as my own did with their stepdad.

Regards, Smudge

[Shan-n]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

I am not for a moment suggesting that single parents can't devote themselves only to their children and not have a good outcome, of course they can, but from my own perspective I think it is worth remembering that a new stepdad or mum can be a positive and beneficial thing and not always necessarily negative. I think that this is especially true for children who have had a damaging relationship with the absent parent.

I totally agree with you. I would like more than anything to find a great guy who would be a positive male role model for my 9 yr old son. My son is extremely close with his grandfather (my dad) and I have other male friends and neighbors and they are great with my son. But it just isn't the same. I wish we had someone who would go to cub scout meetings with us, someone who would play football and baseball with us, someone who would take my son under their wing and be a good father to him. Things like that. My son loves his father very much but his dad longer lives here in Hawaii. His father just doesn't make enough of an effort to be a good dad. Like not calling to talk to his son but every few weeks and for just a few minutes. If I didn't live with my son I would try to call him every single day to see how his day was and to just try to be a part of his life!!

I am very cautious of what kind of guys I go out with and have had only one serious relationship in the last 7 years. When that relationship ended I could see that it did affect my son. I was young when I had my son so I felt that I needed to be a mommy before I should be anyones girlfriend. But I feel like I am at a point in my life where I can be a good mommy and a good girlfriend (or wife ) Everyone tells me that I will find someone when I least expect it!! Guess I need to relax and stop expecting it!! LOL

[Debwhosmiles]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

This has been a great Thread. Lots of good responses and ideas flowing. Sometimes we read for information, sometimes for entertainment, sometimes for necessity... this thread has had some of all.

Like so many others, I am also a single parent. I knew long before my divorce that if my marriage were ever to end I would not date for 2 years. A person needs time to adjust to new circumstances, to come back into balance (though many deny being out of balance) before moving forward. I also knew that once I started dating I did not want my sons to experience the relationship initial up and downs with me so I would not expose/introduce them to anyone I was dating until we had been together at least 3 months. I think it has worked, my sons are now 25 and 18 and have had a steady life because I have made decisions to make it so.

On dating a single parent... Goals? Short-term, Long-term, up in the air? Is the single parent ready to date? Do they seem responsible (if that is a concern for you, if it's all for fun responsibility doesn't seem to matter to some people...)? Are your expectations the same (never too early to talk about that...)? When you meet the child/children are they able to fit into your life? What do you want and would the relationship fulfill most of those desires? Best of Wishes to you. I think the most interesting thing is that you even thought of the question, even better that you've asked yourself and others for possible answers.

[*pinao*]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

Hey.. Im a child of a single parent..
and well just from my personal POV... well my mom hasnt dated any guys for ages.. and when she did.. I didnt like it.. I dont know why.. its not that I dont want my mom to be happy.. it just felt weird.. cuz it had been so long just us.. (my sisters had moved out already to study etc).. I was sort of jealous, I felt like wasnt I enough? but yeah Ive grown out of that phase... but dating a single parent might be hard on the kid so if the kid is mean towards you.. dont take it personally..

[speedtek]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

My mom was a single parent. She was always out dating and never home or she would bring the bums home. Some I liked and some I didnt. The thing that made me mad the most is she would not ask/tell me or my lil sis what was going on. It is important to sit down with the kids to tell them what your plans are, especially if the parent is getting married or someone is moving in. a lot of the guys were weird & strange. It made me feel uncomfortable, my sis locked herself in her room most of the time. I hated it when my mom put us kids as 2nd class citizens to her BF.

When I dated a single parent, I asked her about her kid/s first and I made sure the kids were OK before we went out or it was bye for me.

My dad on the other hand did what he wanted, because of that I never got really close to him. All I do is bitch about him and abuse what he has.
(married 3 times)

So parents take care of your kids first! If you are dating someone with kids make sure thier feelings are covered. I feel when you are dating someone you also have to deal with everyone around them wether you like it or not!!

[craigwatanabe]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

Yep it's a package deal when courting single parents. You must accept the children as well as the person you want to date. For me dates were to Chucky Cheese, Ala Moana Food court, and other family friendly places.

Gaining the respect from the kids is very important but you don't do it by showering them with kiddie gifts, that really doesn't help the parent deal with her kids when it comes to discipline.

You start by respecting the parent and the kids will follow suit.

[oceanpacific]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

Let me expound on what I wrote earlier in post #3.

I had serious intentions from the start for the relationship. As others have stated, it is a "package" deal. We both had young daughters in tow. Her daughter spent Friday nights with her dad, so that was our "date" night. My daughter came over on Saturdays, so that night was for "family" outings. These included Chucky Cheese, the state farm fair, 50th State Fair, picnics, neighbor island treks.

The girls have remained close over the decades and both have graduated from college and are now gainfully-employed tax-payers. My blended family has been blessed with two more children, another daughter and a son, and all four kids are as close as anyone could have hoped for.

We've been together for 21 years .........

[damontucker]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

Would you? Wouldn't you?

Why or why not?

I'm just looking for other perspectives before I get into a quagmire. Thanks, fam bam.

Are you possibly the single father? Or were you just looking at dating a mother?

This has yet to been addressed?

Are you a father?

I guess we all assumed that you were interested in dating a mother...but as I read back through this... are you the single parent in question possibly?

[Mike_Lowery]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

Naw, I'm contemplating dating a mother.

[oceanpacific]

Re: Serious question on dating a single parent

Naw, I'm contemplating dating a mother.

Best wishes and good luck in your quest. Mine worked out beautifully, yours can, too.