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  • Life Just Before Death

    Touching little stories about 11 people on their death beds, with tastefully done portraits before and after they pass away:

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/ga...ture=333325401



    I sometimes wonder if I could work at a hospice, and for how long. How do you balance empathy with detachment? Do any of you folks work at a hospice?
    "By concealing your desires, you may trick people into being cruel about the wrong thing." --Steven Aylett, Fain the Sorcerer
    "You gotta get me to the tall corn." --David Mamet, Spartan
    "
    Amateurs talk technology, professionals talk conditions." --(unknown)

  • #2
    Re: Life Just Before Death

    Originally posted by MyopicJoe View Post
    I sometimes wonder if I could work at a hospice, and for how long. How do you balance empathy with detachment?
    I know that I couldn't. It was strongly suggested to me years ago that I consider a career change and become a therapist, but I know I would become too attached to my clients to be properly effective.

    (Instead, I just come to HT and tell people what to do!)

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Life Just Before Death

      Originally posted by Leo Lakio View Post
      I know I would become too attached to my clients to be properly effective.
      Yeah, I think I'd get too personally involved, also.


      (Instead, I just come to HT and tell people what to do!)
      lol

      and we don't need a degree!
      "By concealing your desires, you may trick people into being cruel about the wrong thing." --Steven Aylett, Fain the Sorcerer
      "You gotta get me to the tall corn." --David Mamet, Spartan
      "
      Amateurs talk technology, professionals talk conditions." --(unknown)

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Life Just Before Death

        Originally posted by MyopicJoe View Post
        [...]and we don't need a degree!
        And the recipients don't need to pay! A classic case of ya get what ya pay for!

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Life Just Before Death

          My wife works in the health center of "Arcadia", a retirement residence.

          She's good at it and can handle the death issue too.
          Some folks just come in for a while, to get over a bad sickness or broken hip, etc.
          Though eventually they come there to die, unless they pass away in their own unit.

          She talks of them and misses some when they're gone.
          Seems to be okay with the whole situation though.
          Life is either an adventure... or you're not doing it right!!!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Life Just Before Death

            Originally posted by MyopicJoe View Post
            Touching little stories about 11 people on their death beds, with tastefully done portraits before and after they pass away:

            http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/ga...ture=333325401


            I sometimes wonder if I could work at a hospice, and for how long. How do you balance empathy with detachment? Do any of you folks work at a hospice?
            I don't work at a hospice but I often work with patients who are terminally ill. You learn to balance compassion, empathy, and detachment otherwise you simply could not function.
            Do we cry sometimes? You bet we do. Cry for the ones who are surrounded by weeping loved ones, cry for the ones who die alone. The young, the old, the ones who have had their fair share of life and the ones who never got a chance to live much of a life at all.
            You cry sometimes just because it is a life that is gone from this earth. All those years of living just a memory. And we will all be there someday. No escape.
            Thank you for that link. Very touching.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Life Just Before Death

              Originally posted by WindwardOahuRN View Post
              And we will all be there someday. No escape.
              Do you think that the time you've spent with the terminally ill and their families has in some way changed your perceptions of death? Do you feel it can help to prepare you for your own, in any fashion? (Menehune Man, feel free to pose this to your wife as well.)

              In today's Western world, most of us grow up with a fear of dying, while many other cultures have a (imo) "healthier" view - more accepting of the inevitable, something that obviously happens to every living being, always has, always will. Many among us "prepare" for death with a belief that a better after-life awaits, reunited with loved ones and/or deities. Tibetan culture, among others, even works to prepare you for the bardo, the transitional period of your own death.

              As a concept, do you think it might enhance or improve our own lives if we all spent time observing and learning from those who are in the final stages of life? Maybe we need to encourage more hospice volunteerism.

              Just speculating here - MyopicJoe, I hope it's okay to expand your thread in this fashion.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Life Just Before Death

                Originally posted by Menehune Man View Post
                She talks of them and misses some when they're gone.
                Seems to be okay with the whole situation though.
                I'm glad these patients have someone caring like your wife to help them in their final days, Menehune Man.


                Originally posted by WindwardOahuRN View Post
                You cry sometimes just because it is a life that is gone from this earth. All those years of living just a memory. And we will all be there someday. No escape.
                Thank you for that link. Very touching.
                And thank you for sharing, WindwardOahuRN. I get a bit weepy imagining what you go through.


                Originally posted by Leo Lakio View Post
                MyopicJoe, I hope it's okay to expand your thread in this fashion.
                Oh no problem at all, Leo. Thanks for asking interesting questions. I'm looking forward to the responses.
                "By concealing your desires, you may trick people into being cruel about the wrong thing." --Steven Aylett, Fain the Sorcerer
                "You gotta get me to the tall corn." --David Mamet, Spartan
                "
                Amateurs talk technology, professionals talk conditions." --(unknown)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Life Just Before Death

                  Originally posted by Leo Lakio View Post
                  Do you think that the time you've spent with the terminally ill and their families has in some way changed your perceptions of death? Do you feel it can help to prepare you for your own, in any fashion? (Menehune Man, feel free to pose this to your wife as well.)

                  In today's Western world, most of us grow up with a fear of dying, while many other cultures have a (imo) "healthier" view - more accepting of the inevitable, something that obviously happens to every living being, always has, always will. Many among us "prepare" for death with a belief that a better after-life awaits, reunited with loved ones and/or deities. Tibetan culture, among others, even works to prepare you for the bardo, the transitional period of your own death.

                  As a concept, do you think it might enhance or improve our own lives if we all spent time observing and learning from those who are in the final stages of life? Maybe we need to encourage more hospice volunteerism.

                  Just speculating here - MyopicJoe, I hope it's okay to expand your thread in this fashion.
                  "Changed" my perceptions of death? The first body I ever wrapped was when I was sixteen years old and working as an aide in a nursing home. I'm not sure I had anything but nebulous perceptions of death at that time. I don't know if the work I do "changed" my perceptions but it certainly developed my perceptions and opinions.
                  I'm not sure that being around the dead and dying helps us prepare for our own deaths at all. Yes, we know what happens when someone dies---the physical changes, the signs that death is impending, the changes the body goes through after death. But damn----IT'S NOT ME!!! Who knows how I'll be when my time comes---I might not "go gentle into that good night."
                  I know what I DON'T want, after seeing it far too many times. I don't want people signing consents for me for treatments when all is futile and nothing will make a difference in the ultimate outcome. No laying on of electricity when my brain is gone, my body is shot, and my time here is over.
                  I want to sit in a rocking chair with the dog at my feet and a morphine PCA pump button in my hand.
                  I've witnessed the deaths of people of many cultures but one has to realize that even with cultural mores the relationship that the dying person had with those at the bedside colors the atmosphere greatly. For example, some cultures may have a tradition of stoicism at such times but if the dying person is a beloved Grandpa, well, all bets are off.
                  There is no cut-and-dried way that any culture predictably responds, IME. Some are GENERALLY more stoic or demonstrative in their behavior but it is very much an individual personal situation.
                  Not sure about that volunteerism thing. Many people do not want to be around death and dying, even when it involves a loved one. They just cannot deal with it at all.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Life Just Before Death

                    "As a concept, do you think it might enhance or improve our own lives if we all spent time observing and learning from those who are in the final stages of life? Maybe we need to encourage more hospice volunteerism."

                    WindwardRN, I think it has the potential to do this for many if not all of us. Stellar question, BTW.

                    I lived with my mom over two mos. within days of her getting her cancer diagnosis and then the last two and half mos. of her life, I lived with her, also. It sure humbled and taught me a lot about patience...with our own symptoms, and our own frailties, to of course patience with other people.

                    I watched Mom finally be free of a few old resentments from problems she'd had with others and though we were a family of faith and not dysfunctional from the start, since we were so close I knew the few people that still annoyed or downright angered her, and being close she talked the hours away many days, and showed me even in her willingness to allow some of these people time...something of hers she was losing and knew it, and I learned from her example that yeah, we really can truly forgive and forget.

                    I had never realized that some of hospice are volunteers because I just didn't pay attention to the program. Mom only agreed to it the very last day and it was an RN that attended the last six or so hours. This is the type of volunteer work I could do and will consider, someday.
                    Stop being lost in thought where our problems thrive.~

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Life Just Before Death

                      i lost my father when he was 46. no time to say goodbye. no time for reminiscing. no time for hugs or kisses. he died in his sleep from a massive heart attack. he had quit smoking and drinking and passed his physical 1 week before he died at home. he and mom were having marital problems. she ended up in the hospital shortly thereafter. they did not reconcile before he passed.

                      father-in-law was with hospice hawai'i. he had stomach cancer for the second time. did not want to go through chemo again. he, too, died at home. what great time we shared talking story. he couldn't feed himself so was helped with that, too. he knew how "mom" (mother-in-law) would get upset when he would drop crumbs on the floor and would do it purposely to irritate her. it was an inside joke. what a beautiful man he was.

                      auntie died at st. francis west hospice (when it was that). the nurses and entire staff were wonderful. i would go there after working at my restaurant and just talk with her. or, i would sleep there while she, too, was sleeping. this was the most traumatic death for me. i loved her dearly. she used to be a nun. she had morphine for the chronic pain. stopped hydration. stopped eating. she died about 10 days later.

                      now, there's "mom" (mother-in-law) who has end stage alzheimer's and is with st. francis hospice. her nurse is the best ever! mom is not mom anymore. this process is a slow death. no matter how much she eats, the body just doesn't absorb the nutrients--adult failure to thrive is what they call it. there are good days and bad. her papers are all in order. no tubes, no blood transfusions and no extraordianary measures will be taken to keep her "alive."

                      being a caregiver has got to be the most difficult experience i have gone through. caregivers, believe it or not, build resentments, too. there are always the questions of who, what, when and why, why not, how come, I NEED A BREAK gosh darn it!! to watch people die, is emotionally, physically and psychologically draining and taxing. GOD willing, i will die in my sleep and not from a prolonged illness. hopefully, i will be able to, "free myself from old resentments and problems with others" before it happens. i don't know? is that why we should, "live each day as if it were our last"?

                      kudos to all of you in the medical field and/or volunteers that genuinely care about the patient and the family. now if i could just find a caregiver to help on the weekends who doesn't think using clorox wipes on a human is a problem. yes, one of mom's caregivers couldn't find the baby wipes and thought the clorox wipes would be better to get her "extra clean"?! mind you, he is a certified nurses' aide!
                      Last edited by kani-lehua; April 1, 2008, 05:42 PM.
                      "chaos reigns within.
                      reflect, repent and reboot.
                      order shall return."

                      microsoft error message with haiku poetry

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Life Just Before Death

                        Oh wow, Kani...Your story is full of sadness, regret, weariness, appreciation, and hope. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.


                        Originally posted by kani-lehua View Post
                        mom is not mom anymore. this process is a slow death.
                        So in one way you've lost her already, but in another way everyone's suffering is still being dragged out. Jeeze. I can only imagine what it's like going through what you're going through now. No matter how much love I had in me, I think I would be very angry and resentful. I would also feel guilty about being angry and I think I'd just bottle it up inside until it wore me away.

                        That clorox wipe caregiver needs a slap upside his head. Grrr.


                        Originally posted by Karen View Post
                        she talked the hours away many days, showed me even in her willingness to allow some of these people time...something of hers she was losing and knew it
                        Wow. Our parents never stop teaching us, do they?

                        I'm glad you and your mom had time to talk. Why is it so hard to talk to our parents while they're alive and healthy? I hope I don't miss my chance.


                        Originally posted by WindwardOahuRN View Post
                        The first body I ever wrapped was when I was sixteen years old
                        Oh jeeze. I haven't even been to a funeral yet (knock on wood). Thanks for sharing your insights, WindwardOahuRN. I'm glad you showed us a variety of ways people and their loved ones face death. I often wonder how I'll conduct myself when my time comes.


                        Originally posted by tutusue View Post
                        A classic case of ya get what ya pay for!
                        LoL

                        Whenever my friends ask for free advice, that's what I tell them, Tutu Sue!
                        "By concealing your desires, you may trick people into being cruel about the wrong thing." --Steven Aylett, Fain the Sorcerer
                        "You gotta get me to the tall corn." --David Mamet, Spartan
                        "
                        Amateurs talk technology, professionals talk conditions." --(unknown)

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Life Just Before Death

                          Since I was a kid I loved to write been doing it since if only I wasn't born with this damnation called dyslexia than I would be a really good one me thinks. Now about death I've seen it happen in more ways than one and it's taxing on the soul. No one wants to die young I believe no one want's to die at all. There is religion for those type of things on whether there is something after this life. Personally I don't know, I'm not the creator or some higher being so I can't answer those questions.

                          I'll be honest I am frightened of dying seen some good people who were barely out of elementry school go before me. Than I ask myself that all to easy question "why?" Might as well talk to the wall cause the wall would give you more concrete answers "Nothing" I by no means am immortal wouldn't want to live forever because it be one lonesome life I think.

                          I can't chose the way I want to die either I can prolong it, but what if tomorrow some crazy drunk driver smashes into me and I die the most excruciating death there ever is imaginable? One can only hope that it doesn't happen that way. Sure dying in your sleep is the best way me thinks but I don't know never did it. If I do I will drop a line on HT and let you all know how it went down. Right, sure.....And while I am at it I'll fly down with a golden harp and sing lulabies.

                          Life from what I've learned is beautiful, poignant, funny, and SHORT. I don't know how many breaths I have left in my lungs how many mileage I have in my feet. I can't control or predict the inevitable, I mean it will happen, and it will happen on it's own time.

                          My fear in this life is dying alone and by myself. In the final stages of my life I picture myself dying in the comfort of some one's arms some one I love and care for. I think the people who went to war imagined the same thing only to be shot down into pieces screaming for mercy for help. I do not want to go that way, but I cannot predict the outcome of my future. I can mold it but in the end I can't stop the way I am going to dye. I am afraid of it, I am only human right?

                          Until such time happens I want to live my life the best that I know how, and that's simply to live each day one day at a time. It's interesting reading everyone's comments everyone had something good to say.

                          I applaud everyone's efforts on staying bright on the topic. I hope I didn't taint it.
                          A Warrior does not give up on what he loves he finds the love in what he does.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Life Just Before Death

                            Originally posted by Pedro View Post
                            Since I was a kid I loved to write been doing it since if only I wasn't born with this damnation called dyslexia than I would be a really good one me thinks.
                            That must be rough. If it's any encouragement, the well respected writer Samuel Delany is dyslexic. His sentence structures are very interesting, and I was told he attributes it to the techniques he had to develop, to cope with dyslexia.

                            "Delany was slowly developing strategies to get around it [dyslexia], most of which were, as they had been with these other writers, a matter of endless revisions, endless rewriting."

                            Unfortunately I can't find any specific techniques he used.

                            I liked his Neveryon series.


                            I applaud everyone's efforts on staying bright on the topic. I hope I didn't taint it.
                            It's all good, dude. Death and life encompasses so many emotions. Thanks for clarifying one facet of it
                            Last edited by MyopicJoe; April 2, 2008, 10:26 AM.
                            "By concealing your desires, you may trick people into being cruel about the wrong thing." --Steven Aylett, Fain the Sorcerer
                            "You gotta get me to the tall corn." --David Mamet, Spartan
                            "
                            Amateurs talk technology, professionals talk conditions." --(unknown)

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Life Just Before Death

                              Same smell.....

                              Dying with dignity.
                              http://hawaiithreads.com/showpost.ph...39&postcount=2

                              Auntie Lynn
                              Be AKAMAI ~ KOKUA Hawai`i!
                              Philippians 4:13 --- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

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