White babies - should I be offended?

[cabanalane]

Some facts. I'm 1/8 white. Wife is 100% white. She has blue eyes and dark hair. However she was born a blonde. Her parents both have darker eyes and dark hair. She pull the blonde and blue eyes from her grandfather. So it's like her recessive gene.

Each time we are expecting, my mother-in-law always make the comment (and often), I hope the baby have blonde hair and blue eyes......And is sort of disappointed that our kids are not, and kind of hanging on that the next one will be.

Going back to genetics, there is "no chance" they will be blonde and blue eyes. There is always a chance, but you know what I mean. Both of our kids have light skin, like hapa haoles. But not blonde and or even with blue eyes.

We are planning to have a third. My wife made a comment that "I wish our next kid have blue eyes." She has never said that before.

Am I reading this too much? I have nothing against blonde or blue eyes. I think they are beautiful. So I don't know why it bothers me. Maybe I'm afraid that if the next one is, then he/she will be treated differently.

[Leo Lakio]

Re: White babies - should I be offended?

Ask your wife what she meant by the comment. Whether or not you are offended may hinge on her answer. As for the m-i-l ... not much you can do about her opinions, one way or the other. Understanding exactly what your wife means, however, is more important.

[sinjin]

Re: White babies - should I be offended?

IIRC unless your 1/8 carries the recessive gene allowing for blue eyes it's impossible that your offspring could be blue-eyed.

[MyopicJoe]

Re: White babies - should I be offended?

I'm also sensitive to off handed remarks. I guess it's the Asian upbringing. I'm sorry to hear your MIL says such things over and over. Do you two have a strained relationship to begin with?

I totally agree with Leo. You need to talk with your wife, but I'm guessing you're worried she won't be honest with you?

If I would hazard a guess, I would say it isn't a racist thing but rather the simple genetic desire to see a miniature version of herself. When my girls were born, everyone in the family would claim body parts for themselves, like countries carving up a newly discovered continent. "Oh she has my nose." "She has my ears." "Oh look! She has dimples on her back like me." I think that's the reason people want to have their own biological baby, rather than adopt a child who desperately needs someone to love them.

I suppose there's the potential your wife may favor your third child, if s/he looks like her. S/he will also be the youngest too. It's hard not to play favorites, even in a same race family. I don't think it'll be any worse than usual.

(Sorry if I'm reading too much into things, here)

I sense you feel your wife doesn't want another child who looks like you, and that it might in a way mean she doesn't love you any more? I think the same thoughts would go through my head. She did marry you, which is a good sign, but guys will always worry about why a woman has married him. Whether she really loves him or just wants something else. Whether he's still good enough. And having children is always tough, because the man finds he's moved into 3rd place in his wife's life.

Mothers usually love all their kids. It probably makes her happy that your first two children remind her of you. I think she just wants one that reminds her of herself.

Like Leo recommended, go talk with her. Give her a big hug and tell her how you feel. Don't be accusatory. I think your wife would be happy that you'd share your fears with her.

Best of luck

[leashlaws]

Re: White babies - should I be offended?

So after 26 years of marriage we've "forgotten" to have kids and life has
been lovely. In any case 29 years ago when I met my beloved my future
FIL said (and he has dry humor and also strange at times but he's a good
guy and fabulous FIL). Well let me lead up to this. I am 100% full blooded
Oneida/Ojibwa and the beloved is German 100%, somehow the conversation
came to the possibility of grandchildren and the FIL said "well if you do
have any they'll break the family bloodline!' and I said "Well how the heck
do you think my side feels?" We all laughed but it was a one of those strangely
funny weird moments that you never forget.

[Leo Lakio]

Re: White babies - should I be offended?

The human gene pool is wide enough to withstand some stirring. "Pure" breeding usually leads to problems in most species. There's been so much muddying over the millennia, how do you define purity?

The AF has some Okinawan ancestry - she's pointed out to me that Okinawa has been ruled by so many other nations, there's no way to know what her bloodline could contain.

If I have poi, I'll share it with the other dogs.

[lavagal]

Re: White babies - should I be offended?

I think I can relate. I have two little blonde girls with eyes the color of dark chocolate. And they are beautiful little girls! Who said one has to be aryan to be beautiful? What's that all about? I was listening to knews on NPR today about Darfur, and thinking about the very few young ladies from there who are international top models. Beautiful, nubian perfection. Beauty comes in all shades.
Perhaps when this child is born those thoughts will fade away as his/her uniqueness becomes apparent.

[hulagirl]

Re: White babies - should I be offended?

I agree with myopicjoe... I think all relatives look at babies and hope to see some kind of a resemblance- I know our relatives are that way.

DH and I are both about 1/16th haole but DH's mom has these beautiful green eyes- and so does my baby brother. I've always wished that one of our 5 kids would have those eyes not because they're haole eyes, but because they're different and different to me is beautiful.

If it bothers you though, you should talk to your wife about it, just like others above me have mentioned. And yeah- I think ALL babies are gorgeous no matter what race...

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Re: White babies - should I be offended?

cabana, it bothers me that it bothers you. You know your genes will trump your wife's, and that her expression is an against-the-odds-but-wouldn't-it-be-cool kind of thing, but still you choose to let it get under your skin and thus you are putting it out there in the universe. I'll tell you why it bothers me: of the families I know where one parent is dark-skinned and the other light-skinned, the child who is fairest is the one most teased for it (and least loved) by his/her dark parent. Some of my most favorite people in the world have had to live with this all of their lives. Forgive me if I tell you that I hate that sh*t.

[cyleet99]

Re: White babies - should I be offended?

Babies are just beautiful--no matter what race..For that matter, so are people, no matter what race.

15 years ago, I used to write medical notes with specific racial descriptions but stopped when I began seeing more multiracial families. So I leave that to the docs if they feel it is necessary; it is not needed for what I do.

[Menehune Man]

Re: White babies - should I be offended?

My Friend James (Haole) was engaged to a beautiful local Japanese girl 25 years ago.

Both families (parents) had race problems with who their children picked.

My buddy's Mom said once "You know if you have kids they'll look oriental.".
Big "DUH!" was his reply. They ended up not getting married mainly due to the pressure and it was a tragedy for sure.

I was always so lucky that my parents accepted whomever I brought home.
No, I won't tell you how many! HaHa!

[Leo Lakio]

Re: White babies - should I be offended?

They ended up not getting married mainly due to the pressure and it was a tragedy for sure.

That is a shame ... yet part of me is oddly relieved that they won't be bringing up children in a family with such biased grandparents. (Then again, beautiful mo`opuna might have caused a change of heart in those same grandparents.)

[Cnecki]

Re: White babies - should I be offended?

Hum so many stories and feelings come up with this issue. But I will leave it alone for now.

I have been really working on forgiveness and tolerance.

What I can say is I am in a mixed marriage with both sides having their own STRONG OPIONIONS regarding our marriage, and our childrens future based on their looks primarily.

Hum, I still think I should bow out of this thread now before I go to far.

I will keep reading.

[greentara]

Re: White babies - should I be offended?

Some of the most strikingly beautiful children I have ever seen were multi racial. That’s what makes the children here in Hawaii so beautiful and special. Personally I’ll take the brown eyes any day ~ just my opinion. Being multi racial I suffered a lot as a child until I learned to appreciate my ethnicity. I never wished for any special racial traits when I had my daughter, I did wish for a good soul.

[salmoned]

Re: White babies - should I be offended?

I prefer evaluating the contents over the container. I don't buy anything empty or with spoiled contents, even if the container looks great, but I'll buy badly marred packages if I know the contents to be good.