Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

[Holonalu]

Eh!!!! You no wat da kine it almos stay already????? DA KINE!!!!!!!! An not dis kine, or dat kine, or da oddah kine, BUT DA REAL DA KINE KINE!!!!!!! AS IN.....CHRISTMAS????? Well, it stay 2:27 hea in da mornin up at da quarry in Waimanalo, an Christmas is juss right round da corner!!!!!! OR, MAYBE EVEN UNDAH DA CORNER!!!! Who knows??????? Anyways, dis is, of course, Uncle Lolo, whea we always get da low low prices for your intranet kine shopping. I no you stay askin youself, "Self, wondah what Uncle Lolo get dis yea foa da Christmas Tree?" As everyone nos, las year we wen have so many great gifts and ormanents. Da chocolate covered cockaroaches, da BMW hubcap fo put on top da tree, da kahlua pelehu, as in turkey, in one plastic bag, ready for incinerate, da chocolate covered Spam hearts, well, dat was Valentines, so, nevah mind, but still get plenny, so don't be shy on dat one!!!!!! Well, dis year, after having the hole Lolo team go tru xtensive research, we have, dat is me, have come up wit sometin dat is goin make your Christmas Tree da bess evah!!!!! An, what we get??????? POI BALLS COATED WIT PEPPERMINT CANDY!!!!!!!! WHAT COULD BE MORE ONO!!!!!!! Dats right, poi balls, sweet or sour poi, you juss need ask, coated wit beautiful and onoliscious peppermint candy, all da kine white, green an red!!!!!!! How festive, yea!!!!! An, you juss hang em on da tree, day goin make dat tree so special, you no can believe. An, by an by, you juss pick em off da tree, an eat em!!!!!!! Cause da poi goin stay fresh fo at least two monts!!!!! So, ack now, da price is one low low 12 dollah and seven tree eighty for one dozen, dats like aroun 11, or 75 dollah five fifty fo one half dozen, dats like five or so!!!!!! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY GO WRONG ON DIS DEAL, I JUSS NEVAH NO!!!! An, we all no you get dose niele nephews an nieces like show up from Kailua, make your life miserable, an you no day goin be cockaroaching dese beautiful ormanents off your Christmas Tree,,,,,,How you goin stop em?????? ONE LECTRIC FENCE!!!!!!! Eh, wat could be more smaht, juss set da fence up around da tree, wen dose niele kolohe kids goin try for grad da ormanents, what day goin get,,,,,ONE SHOCK, AN I DON MEAN SHOCK AS IN SHAKA, AN DAY IS GOIN STAY AWAY FROM YOUR TREE!!!!!!! An, cause is almos da Kine Christmas, I goin trow in da lectric fence for absolutely nuttin!!!! Cept fo 62 dollah seven twenn five for shipping an handling!!!!!!!! So, act now!!!!!!!!!! Uncle Lolo, signing off!!!!!!!

Aloha, hope it brought a minoa'ka, smile

[kani-lehua]

Re: Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

shaka braddah!

[Leo Lakio]

Re: Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

My Alpha Female from Kane`ohe says:

Rap Reiplinger not dead - juss hidin' out Waimanalo!

Mahalo foa da lolo laughs!

[Holonalu]

Re: Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

I knew Rap back in the day, he had moved to Maui to try and get away from some of the bad influences on Oahu. I was tending bar at the old Harry's Outrigger on Keawekapu Beach, Rap would show up, have maybe a few too many beers, and just start making stuff up off the top of his head!!!! Folks would be in hysterics!!! Man, was that guy funny....Anyways, I don't know if this is allowed, there is another website, absolutely no competition to this one, Mauiniuolelo.com, all my writing is in the Laugh Shack, if I could just transfer it to this site, I would..

Aloha an aka'aka, it keeps you young

[Holonalu]

Re: Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

Eh, you no what????? Is your shaka lackin somtin???? Is not as firm as it used to be????? Folks look at your shaka, an get dat look on der face, like, "Dis guys shaka is a little pilau?", as in rotten, or maybe, "His shaka is juss too small!!!", or, "Dat shaka not goin impress anybodies, it's da kine, patetic already", well, happens to me, Doctor Shaka, da docta fo da Shaka, all da time........What do I do????????? Ignore it????????? NO WAYS!!!!!!!!!! I juss apply some of Doctor Shaka's magical da kine cream to da afflicted shaka hand, stuff is totally da kine organic, aku head, taco legs, awa juice, okolehau, and, don forget da Spam, you juss huli em up in da blender, soak da afflicted shaka in der, an you is good for go.........as is everybody around you.......well.....no can help......It's 2:27 in da morning here in lovely downtown Waimanalo, an I stay in da cahport, whea we is goin play, once again, Hawaii's favorite game, " Are you smarter dan Russell?", ,,,,,,,,,,,,so, here's our guestssss star, my hanai nephew, Russell...

HEY, RUSSELL, GET OUT HEA ALREADY!!!!!!!

I STAY SLEEPIN!!!!!

IF YOU KNOW OUT HEA IN TWENNY SECONDS, I GOIN START CHARGIN RENT!!!!

OKEYDOKES, I'M ON MY WAY!!!!!

Well, Russell, you know da rules, I ask one question, you answer em, if you stay da kine right, you get one prize, an, can always use da cockaroach line if you stay da kine confused...........So, first question........How many Islands in da State of Hawaii????

We one state?????

Yes, have been for at least 10 years, so, how many Islands in da State of Hawaii??????

Well, let me count..........one, two, tree, for,, an ??????????? Eh, I like use da cockaroach line........... Hey cuz, how many Islands in da state of Hawaii???????

We one state???????

Guess so, how many Islands we get??????

Bout thirty!!!!!!!

Well, dis is my answer,,,,,,,,bout trhirty!!!!!!!!!!

Russell, hang onto your rubbah slippahs................you are 100% correct!!!!!!!And have just won, the big Kahuna, a 48 ounce can of classic Spam!!!!!!! You must be really exited!!!!!!!!
To be continued, this kind of stuff takes a lot of heavy duty brainwork

[Opihimonster]

Re: Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

das some funny stuffs! Man I miss all da small kid time comedians...Rap, Booga Booga, Andy, Frank....well Andy and Frank still around but not like befo

So, ack now, da price is one low low 12 dollah and seven tree eighty for one dozen, dats like aroun 11, or 75 dollah five fifty fo one half dozen, dats like five or so!!!!!!

"eh you get change fo quarter?"

Guess so, how many Islands we get??????

Bout thirty!!!!!!!

"we get too much paper plates and potato salad, you guys betta bus' out da meat if you like go to the beautiful island of Nihoa!"

[Holonalu]

Re: Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

Well, it's 2:27 in the morning here in lovely downtown Waimanalo, we've got a llittle breeze coming in from the south, I'm broadcasting live from Uncle Lolo's carport, he can't be,,, uuuurrrrpppp,,,, scuse me , here this morning, as he had to go up to the Kailua Police Station and try to bail out his nephews, seems they were trying to rescue an abandoned Honda Accord from someones driveway in Kapolei. How people can just abandon cars in their driveways is simply beyond me, and those nephews, all 22 of them, never think of themselves, they just want to take care of those poor abandoned cars, they've got such big hearts!!! Anyways, this is, uuuurrrrpppp,,, scuse me, Captain Frietis, with FART, that is Frietis Air Random Transport, where flying is an art, and this morning we are taking your questions regarding, well, anything......First caller please?????

Yes.....Hello

And where are you calling from??

Edmonton, Canada, ehh??

And, uuuurrrrpppp, scuse me, where is that?

It's in Canada, ehh????

What part?

Waaayyyy oooot in the middle, ehh??

Why do you say "Ehh", so much??

Keeps your lungs from freezin in the wintertime, ehh??

I think I understand. What is the reason for your call??

Well, we checked with Hawaiian Airlines, ehh? and we're trying to book a flight from Honolulu to Hawaii, but they want abooot 125 dollars one way, kind of expensive, ehh? What does FART charge for flying from Honolulu to Hawaii?? Ehh??

Let me get this, uuuurrrrpppp, scuse me, straight, you want to fly from Honolulu to Hawaii???

Yep, that's abooot it ehh??

Why would you want to fly to Hawaii when you're already in Hawaii??? Next caller please??????

Yea, hey bruddah, I no you is one da kine Captain an all dat, so you muss no plenny da kine stuffs bout evryting!!! So, whea is da bestess place in Waikiki fo teriyaki chicken, cause my wahine is all lolo fo da stuff, makes her all da kine!!!

Well, thank you for the compliment. The Flamingo Lounge used to have the best teriyaki chicken, of course they were torn down for Walmart. Then there was Kani Lehua's World Famous teriyaki chicken bar and grill over on Liliha Street, great teriyaki chicken, and the coldest beer in town, of course that was torn down for a parking lot. So now, if you want great teriyaki chicken, I would have to recommend Harry's Under Water Pool Bar and Hotel, a whole half chicken, with mashed potatoes, poi, lomi salmon, and salad, all for only $6.95... and the price of,, uuuurrrrpppp,, scuse me,, beer, isn't too bad. Of course, as a pilot, I get a discount. If you are going into Harry's Under Water Pool Bar, it is highly recommended that you wear those rubber slippers that have a bit of a heal on them, may keep your feet dry, seeing as the plate glass on the pool does have a tendency to leak.Next caller please?

Yea, I stay callin from da kine Molokai, an was lookin for one cheap da kine flight to Honolulu, fo me an da wahine, you guys stay kine fly to Molokai or whats????

Well, I'm sorry to say, that at this point we do not fly to Molokai.

A, why is dat?? Only bout 40 da kine miles from Honlulu. You could juss le'le down hea, pick us up..... whats da pilikia wit dat???

What would you be bringing along??

Da wife, da keiki, all 10 of em, an some agricultural products

What kind of,, uuuurrrrpppp, scuse me, agricultural products?

Juss some stuff we wen grow up in da forrest,is for medicinal da kine purposes

And, what would you be willing to pay for this special flight???

Bout one tousand dollah, only ting, you know can land at Honolulu, you half land at Bellows Airfield, you no, know da kine security, an goin be one van dere ready for pick up da agricultural products...

Would this be cash, or,, uuuurrrrpppp,, scuse me check?

Strictly cash...

I'll be there in about 45 minutes, have some cold beer on hand,,,,,,,next caller please....

Hey, does anyone recall the name of that pool bar that was in Waikiki, may still be there for all I know, was really famous during WW2, because it had a big plate glass window that looked into the pool, can just imagine a bunch of GI's on leave, or getting ready to ship out, hoping some young lady would lose part of her bathing attire

Aloha and okolemaluna

[kani-lehua]

Re: Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

buuuurrp!

eh captain, my place was in aiea not liliha.

[acousticlady]

Re: Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

These are hysterical. Thanks for the laughs!

[Holonalu]

Re: Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

Well, it stay 2:27 da kine in da mornin hea in downtown Waimanalo, whea da new sayin is, "Go, Go, GO!!!!!! Nalo!!!!!!" Dont no if dat means you should leave town or not??????? Anyways, dis is, once again, Uncle Lolo, wit da low low price da kine intranet da kine store, where, if we dont have it, who cares?????? Well, here at da low low store, we do care, an we care bout you!!!! Have you had one good day, is da healt ono, you wen had your Spam an rice wit mayonaise an ketchup, (suckah is ono you know!!), you wen go fo one walk ovah to da couch from da bed for exercise???????? But, most impotent, HOW IS YOUR LOVE LIFE??????????? Eh, is a little ikinui, as in nuttin happnin, no more da wahines stay callin you day an night, is you juss flat out lonely, an need someone for juss talk wit. WELL, DO WE, AS IN ME, AT UNCLE LOLO'S IKI KALA STORE HAVE DA ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PILIKIA!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE INFLATABLE TITA!!!! Eh, dats right, one inflatable tita, looks like she juss wen graduate from Nalo High, aftah about six years, an, you juss pull da string, an she says, "What, like tro blows???" Eh, dis is da bess evah, you get da inflatable tita, one tire pump, free patch kit, juss in case you tro da kine blows, an one different cd for make da tita say, "Would you care to engage in fistycuffs?", for da Kailua crowd out dea, what is up wit dose guys anyways????? Well, so, fo only twenny eight dollah tree twenny five, you goin get all da above, plus, try wait, for only additional seveny dollah five sixty five, WE GOIN DOUBLE DA ORDER!!!!! SO YOU GET TWO,,,,,,,,,TRY AN COUNT EM NOW,,,,,,,,ONE,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,TRY GUESS,,,,,,,,,,,YES DATS RIGHT, TWO!!!!!!!!! So, you get da kine sleepless nights, lookin fo female companionship, but no can afford da kine wahines ovah on Kaluakawa an Kuhio, (don even ask how I know, was only guesting), get in on dis bargain today, why spend anoddah sleepless night by yourself, wen you can half one, or maybe even two, tita's in da bed wit you, sayin, "What, like tro blows!", could it possibly be any bettah??????? Limit is two per customer, an some guy, Broke da Bottom, I tink dat was his name, already wen order, he juss like we put lipstick on da talkin tita, wonder whats up wit dat??????

Aloha and mino ak'a

[kani-lehua]

Re: Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

you shoulda wen trow in some fish net stockings jus because he wuz yoa firs customa.

[Holonalu]

Re: Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

Well, it's 2:27 in da morning hea up by da old quarry in lovely Waimanalo Town, an it is gettin ready fo ua, as in rain, big time!!!! Anyways, dis is, of course, your very own Uncle Lolo. whea we have all your da kine shopping needs, right hea on da intranet ting!!!! So, it seems like only yesterday, it was yesterday, an, it seems like only da day before yesterday, it was day day before yesterday...... Is dat juss one coincidences or what!!!!!? And, how many days ago was it Christmas??????? PLENNY!!!!! LIKE, HOLE BUNCH ALREADY!!!!! I'm juss lookin at da Christmas calender hea in da cahport, an I can see,,,, ONE NAKED WAHINE ON DA CALENDER???????!!!!!!!! HEY, RUSSELL, GET OUT HEA ALREADY!!!!!!!

RUSSELL NOT HEA!!!

WHEA IS HE GARNFARNUT!!!????

HE STAY WORKIN ONE TRIPLE SHIFT DOWN DA SEVEN LEVEN, TRYIN FO MAKE XTRA MONEY SO HE CAN TAKE HIS EX EX EX ALMOS WAS FUTURE EX GIRLFREN TO HARRY'S UNDER WATER BAR AND RESTUARANT FOR TERIYAKI CHICKEN MARATHON EATING CONTEST!!!!!!

WELL, I WANT MY CHRISTMAS CALENDER BACK UP OUT HEA IN DA CAHPORT!!!!

NO PILIKIA, GET EM RIGHT HERE!!!!

Now, Natan, dat is much better, one Christmas da kine calender, wit trees, some snow on da ground, a little elf, yep, very christmassy, but, I muss admit, dat wahine on da calender had quite a rack on her!!!!

Yea, dat hat wit da reindeer antlers was really sumptin Uncle!!!!

Not was I was talkin bout.........Well, nevah mind,,,,,,so, as I stay lookin at da Chrismas calender, can see, already, dat dere is not too much time leff for shopping, an I no you is all panickin out, gotta Longs, gotta go Ala Moana, Kahala Mall, Pearlridge, eh,, ANYKINE!!!!!!! An, who needs to be panickin out dis time of yea, all in one rush?????? An, den you get somebody on your shopping list, an YOU KNOW CAN TINK WHAT FO GET EM!!!!! Necktie, don tink so, Aloha shirt, well, maybe, new rubbah slippahs????? You no what, da biggess insult you can give somebody is to buy em new rubbah slippahs.......Why you like ask, cause, it's kind of like sayin, "HEY, BRUDDAH, OR SISTAH, YOUR RUBBAH SLIPPAHS IS OP'ALA, (as in trash)", an who need to hea dat???????, So, you no can tink of nuttin to get fo dat special someone, maybe da mamona piliku'a can Spam, (as long as not Spam light, dat's even wurse insult dan da slippahs!!), but dat is plenny da kine spensive, an wit todays economy, who can afford. So, if you no can tink of nuttin fo get em, juss,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hold on now, no go jump out of your skin,,,,,bess deal evah, get em NUTTIN!!!!!!!! HEY, A WHOLE BOX OF NUTTIN!!!!!!! ALL GIFT WRAPPED IN NORI AN OLD ADVERTISER PAPERS!!!!!! WHAT COULD BE BETTAH!!!!!! ALL FO ONLY 23 DOLLAH TWO SEVENY FIVE ONE SIXTY!!!!!! IS DAT A BARGAIN OR WHAT!!!!!!! AN, FO ONLY 67 DOLLAH TREE TWENNY SIX AN FOUR SEVENY, WE GOIN DOUBLE DA ORDER!!!!!!! EH, HOW GREAT IS DAT, DON EVEN ASK, CAUSE I DON NO!!!!!! DOUBLE DA AMOUNT OF NUTTIN FOR ALMOS TREE TIMES DA PRICE!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG???? YOU CAN'T!!!!!!! So, ack now, don be leff out on dis great deal, for only a slight additional da kine charge, dis box, or boxes, of nuttin, can be hand delivered, by you, for only an additional charge of 2 dollah tree eighty, plus 500% tax!!!!!!! An, you no, dis time of year it gets plenny cold hea in Hawaii, eh, was almost 70 last night, had to put on an extra Aloha shirt, but, whats worse, your little ohana, who gaurd your hale day an night, protectin you from mosquitos, fruity flies, gnats, (eh, how come dey don juss spell dat "nats", Haoles, sometime dey no can tink), da gecko, stay on your window, freezin his/her little okole off, what dey need,,,ONE GECKO SWEATER!!!!!!!DATS RIGHT, ONE GECKO SWEATER, MADE RIGHT HEA IN WAIMANALO!!!!!!!AN, ONLY 5 DOLLAH PLUS CHANGE!!!!!!! Don forget to specify color, size, turtle neck, (dis isn really fo turtles!!!), crew neck, sleeves or sleeveless, angora, cotton or wool,,,, ack now, what could be better, all your geckos goin be smiling at you!!!!!!!!

Aloha and okolemaluna

[tutusue]

Re: Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

Pueo? Is that...YOU?!

[LikaNui]

Re: Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

Pueo? Is that...YOU?!

I no tink so, cuz he wen spell one guy as "Natan" instead of "Naytan".

[tutusue]

Re: Da Kine an Christmas Shopping

I no tink so, cuz he wen spell one guy as "Natan" instead of "Naytan".

Good catch! Nathan's name was spelled many different ways but never Natan!!!