Life in France

[SusieMisajon]

Re: Life in France

Wow.

How are your children regarded in that town? Is your xh around enough to be in their lives? Do you have a support network around you? Friends there?

Lucky for me the kids are polite and well raised and do well in school...it helps a lot. The kids are considered from here, but with a 'different' Mom. I figured it out years ago...I volunteered at the schools, the foodbank, the bloodbank...I gave birthday parties and invited everyone, I made a hundred cookie houses at Christmas and invited everyone I knew, plus more that I didn't, to come and decorate a house with candy. I asked to be taught about everything I didn't know...gardening, cooking, small animal husbandry...I walked and took the kds to every event and festival and community thing that I could...they played the piano and rode in the parades and danced...I picked apples and pumpkins and showed the kids at school how to make applesauce and bob for apples and carve a pumpkin...I bought candy and passed it out to the neighbors and then got the neighborhood kids to go trick-or-treat...I dyed 360 easter eggs and sewed a bunny costume and showed up at school to give out Easter eggs and then discovered that, in France, it's NOT the Easter Bunny, but the bells of the church, that bring goodies. I gave quilting classes. I made friends with lots of little old ladies that told me stories of the people that live here...sadly, many of the little old ladies have dies off. I took the baby donkey and the chickens and the rabbits to school, and each year we hatched chicks in the incubator in the classroom. I took the mommy goat and her baby to school and squirted milk all over everybody. I had sleepovers and picnics and I'm still finding confetti from ten years ago in the corners of the house.

For the most part, I can tell you that it worked...all of the kids in my kids' classes will stop and say 'Hi' with a double kiss to the cheeks, when they pass. This house is like a trainstation with all the kids and friends that pass through it. And about half of the town accepts me. The other half just doesn't know what they are missing, is all.

The teachers, doctor, veterinarian and the police all have no problem with me, and we're on first-name, double-kiss basis. My Mom, when she came last, made a point that there are plenty of 'pillars of society' that come by (she was being sarcastic)...and it's true that ordinary nutcases and drunks and poor people and wild children and depressed moms and unemployed say hi to me, too...there's lots of those in this town.

Real friends are few and far between, but they do exist. Now that I speak and understand the language, I'm sometimes not sure if I don't prefer to not understand it. It was better to not scratch the surface, perhaps.

My ex is in Bordeaux, about two hours north. I am still enraged.

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Re: Life in France

Wow.

Wow.

You rock, Susie. I am sorry that you are so far away from the rock of your childhood, but I am glad that you have your computer and Hawaii Threads to get you through those moments.

I am also sorry that your marriage didn't turn out the way you had hoped it would. I hope that he supports his kids and that he isn't a dick to them. And I am so impressed at how you have done your best to integrate into the community.

Do you speak French or English to your children at home? In which contexts are you likely to speak either language?

[Lei K]

Re: Life in France

It's great getting to know more about you Susie. I've wondered all of these things as well. You sound like a strong person. Just wanted to say that. Carry on, I stay niele as well.

[1stwahine]

Re: Life in France

Amazing. You are a very strong WOMAN ~ Susie.

Aloha and LOVE

Auntie Lynn

[SusieMisajon]

Re: Life in France

Wow.

Wow.

You rock, Susie. I am sorry that you are so far away from the rock of your childhood, but I am glad that you have your computer and Hawaii Threads to get you through those moments.

I am also sorry that your marriage didn't turn out the way you had hoped it would. I hope that he supports his kids and that he isn't a dick to them. And I am so impressed at how you have done your best to integrate into the community.

Do you speak French or English to your children at home? In which contexts are you likely to speak either language?

I also get Aloha World Ohana Lanai...it's for all of us homesick ex-pats. Thank goodness for here, there, and the internet, like you say...it means a little window has opened where I thought there was none.

The ex is a dick...I call him FF (you'll have to guess, or PM me, to find what that means)...but that's another story.

I speak English to them, and insist that they speak English at home. In the beginning I had no choice, cause I didn't speak French. And anyways, can you imagine making baby-talk to your kids in a foreign language? But I get a lot of flack for it...

I remember my Mom telling me the story about when she first came to Hawaii as a young German bride, and my (immigrant from the PI but that's yet another story) Grampa yelled at her 'Speak American to those kids, the war is over!'. So she did, being young and eager to make a good impression, and we never spoke German except for the times that my Dad went to Vietnam and we lived in Germany with the German Oma. Kids pick it up fast, but my German is very, very rusty.

I had my babies when I was not so young and cared more about the babies than what my FIL had to say...but he tried. My husband-at-the-time had given me a book about raising children bilingually...it said to speak the minority language in the home, and that the local language would come naturally.

And it has. The kids speak perfectly in both languages. Although, looking back, I should've worked harder on the English reading and writing bit...not that the're all that far behind...Keoni has been accepted into an international school where all lessons are done in American-English, and many of the students are from countries other than France. (there's even a Leilani in his school, and I'm waiting to find out if she has local connecions)

But...if you ask my kids what language they dream and think in...sigh...it's French. That's normal, I guess, because French is the language of play at school...but I don't have to like it. sometimes, when my back is turned, they lapse into French at home...that's when I get out the slipper 'This is my house! You will speak my language! I'm not in this God-forsaken country to loose eveything! How are you going to be able to speak to your Gramma?!'....ahem...I try to remain calm...

There is actually a woman in this town who was raised in Portugal by a British Mom and Potuguese Dad...she speaks ONLY French to her kids (and she's an English teacher at the school), because she's fallen out with her Mother, and does it to be mean...can you imagine!

[SusieMisajon]

Re: Life in France

Here is your 'French thing of the day'...seeing that this is a French thread..

Eggs Mimosa

Hard boil eggs and shell them. Cut the in half lengthwise, and take out the yolks. Put the whites, puka side up, on a platter, and fill with a good mustardy mayonnaise. Grate the yolks over the top, and the dish will resemble mimosa flowers, which are little round balls of bright yellow fuzz.

Fancy French stuffed eggs.

[damontucker]

Re: Life in France

susie... once again...

thank you for sharing your heart with us...

I am touched by what you are saying.

I am glad I have taken time to listen to your story and the more I listen
to what you are saying... the more I understand you.

Mahalo,

Manoa

[Leo Lakio]

Re: Life in France

So, Susie...I've been afraid to ask, but...does the ex have much involvement in the children's lives? Is that why the French divorce laws keep you from coming home with them to stay - to give them the opportunity to have some connection with their father? Is that connection still a good thing for the kids' sake at least, despite how much he/the situation angers you?

And yes, "none of your business" IS an acceptable response to these questions...

[SusieMisajon]

Re: Life in France

So, Susie...I've been afraid to ask, but...does the ex have much involvement in the children's lives? Is that why the French divorce laws keep you from coming home with them to stay - to give them the opportunity to have some connection with their father? Is that connection still a good thing for the kids' sake at least, despite how much he/the situation angers you?

And yes, "none of your business" IS an acceptable response to these questions...

Oh, WHAT a question!

Since our divorce, he's told me that I will loose eveything, friends, family, kids, house, money, sanity....and he's been trying, all these years.

Only the first two are his (the little guys are mine, alone). Keoni was 1 1/2, and I was seven weeks pregnant with Keala when I was attacked by him (the torts of the divorce are his, due to conjugal violence). He'd never 'really' been violent before then (classic, huh?)...it was yet another letter from his Mother that did it.

Let me tell you...you know how, in the US, there's daughter-father jokes, whee the SIL is never good enough for Daddy's little girl? In France, it's the opposite...Mom and son have an almost incestuous thing going...and it wasn't just in my case, it's all over the place here.

She kept writing these letters...'I can't sleep anywhere but in your room, since you've gone and married her', 'I have cancer', 'I have cholesterol', 'she's going to kill Keoni, because she doesn't know that, in France, there are killer air currents', (the French have this thing about air currents, you know...what we call breezes), and the last straw one one, 'she's going to have a mongoloid baby' (it was a problem pregnancy, I was on total bedrest)(Keala doesn't have Down's Syndrome).

Thinking back on it, I shoulda' been warned off by the very first letter, the one she wrote when she first met me. She wrote, 'Akk! The girl is foreign, doesn't speak French, is uneducated, has no money of her own, and she's not exactly skinny, either'. I said to my fiancé-at-the-time, 'well, at least I'm not a black single mom' (no offense intended to any black/single moms out there)....and he replied 'well, and you're not another man, either'. All I have to say for myself is that love is blind. I shoulda listened to the little warning bells in my head, right then.

He did tell me, much later, that he only married me to get back at the woman, because she 'lost' the paperwork that would've enabled him to study engineering (so he's a French engineer) in the US, and he swore to marry an American for revenge. Gee thanks, pal. I was so dumb, back then.

So anyway, she writes the mogoloid letter, I refuse to abort, and he attacks me. We had houseguests at the time who saved my ass, and I left with the police and went to a refuge for battered women and children, taking Keoni with me, of course.

It all happened on the day of my 35th birthday. I had trouble celebrating my birthday for years afterwards...especially since FF (the ex) would choose that day each year to take the kids for his part of the summer vacation (he still does that). A Scottish friend once told me to do as the Queen of England does, and change my birthday to another date.

Now....for anyone thinking of going abroad to marry...HERE'S WHERE YOU HAVE TO BE REAL CAREFUL....especially if you don't speak the language of the country you're in:

If you find yourself in a shelter or entrusted to the authorities, insist on a translator. Demand a translator. Otherwise, your spouse can say whatever he likes to the director or to the cops or to the social worker and nobody will ever hear you. And he can 'translate' for you and lie like a dog about what you've said. (no offence to dogs)

[SusieMisajon]

Re: Life in France

So, Susie...I've been afraid to ask, but...does the ex have much involvement in the children's lives? Is that why the French divorce laws keep you from coming home with them to stay - to give them the opportunity to have some connection with their father? Is that connection still a good thing for the kids' sake at least, despite how much he/the situation angers you?

And yes, "none of your business" IS an acceptable response to these questions...

What was the question, again, Leo?...I seem to have drifted a bit.. Oh yeah...involvement in the children's lives...

Wel, FF came to the shelter and asked to play with Keoni for the afternoon, so I said okay. And didn't see Keoni again for four months. He called me that evening and told me too bad, and the threats continued. Turns out the director knew what he was going to do, and couldn't talk him out of it and didn't warn stupidhead me. I was still on bedrest and ended up in the hospital.

In the end, Keala was born not mongol...my EX MIL was the first to call me as I returned from the delivery room, telling me that I was so lucky to have not had a handicapped baby at my age (35), blah, blah, blah...and me thinking to myself during the conversation 'watch out, Tita, or you'll end up in front of her roast chicken and greenbeans again'. And FF the ex trying to get the baby's name changed to Max (was that the Maxim man who he was such good 'friends' with, or the Maxime woman that he'd had an affair with?).

And, for a while, I had the kids during the week and FF had them on weekends. Oh, the threats and the nastiness were still there...but I learned to keep my head down and my mouth shut, as it was the kids that suffered if I didn't (not physically, but emotionally). And I knew what was going to happen, once they were big enough to feed and dress themselves on their own.

I decided to make sure that they had the best childhood imaginable, with all the good memories that they'd need to get through life. I bought a small forest with a tiny house in it, and we filled the place with raspberries, donkeys, ducks, ponies, chickens, goats, rabbits...you name it, we tried it out. There was a stream full of fish, a magic tree, a depot in the front full of mountains of dirt and rocks and adventure. Bikes, unicycles, ponycarts, treehouses, an old junker of a car that we never knew where we'd end up stuck with...

And then the kids got done with elementary school, and into 'big-kid' time. And I got a three year battle for custody. It was HELL. Just like that, a court date. All of us were in tears. Keoni says he'll never trust his Dad again. Keala, the most sensitive of the kids, turned into a hellion, almost a delinquent. Leilani crawled into a shell. Kalani has me a bit worried, as his hero is Keala, but he's still young.

French courts are no fun. French lawyers, the opposing side ones, are nasty...even the judge told FF the ex's off, he was being so rude...education, weight, and being foreign raise their heads yet again. I won the first part, but he appealed. Keala left before the hearing, telling me that Dad was rich, so he'd be okay....sheesh! All my teaching values to that kid, and this is what he comes up with?! Keoni went a few months later, also before the appeal hearing, saying that he was too fearful of the consequences if he didn't, but not to worry, as he'd soon be grown up.

FF the ex enjoyed my agony, he'd laugh and actally praise bad behavior. He'd call, or his mother would, and rub it in. There would be excuses for the kids not to come for the weekend. Keala was totally lost in the emotions of the mess. Keoni had a very bad year at school, with lower results than usual, and clammed up for a time. Weekends, when they did come, were often draining and violent and left the two little guys in shock.

The threats contine. I have learned to not go to my lawyer or to the police when the kids never show up for weekends, as it only causes trouble with Keoni and Keala...and gets social service visits for me... making good on his threats to get me lolo enough to lose even the little guys. Having to go in front of a judge to explain a letter of defamation from your ex is not a nice experience.

FF the ex even wrote a letter to my most awful neighbor, asking for all the poop on me...and she showed it to Keala, who was white in the face with shock. FF the ex did actually say that it may have been a mistake, because she called him 98 times...he says he understands now, how the concentration camps managed to get filled, during WW2, with women like that working for the enemy.

Looking back, I should've never fought the custody battle. It didn't help to drag it out so long...it only took away our family stability. It wasn't as if he hadn't been threatening it since day one of the divorce...telling me that he'd make the kids hate me and they'd never vist and I'd be lolo and lonely and poor....so what? I had the best years with the kids, the years before adolescence...when they were cute and sweet and listened to what I had to say. I'd have preferred to see the fruits of my labour and watch the emerging of the young adults day by day...but hey, if he wants teenagers...

Watching what's happening now...he is not enjoying those kids, he is just enjoying hurting me. Even his mother is regretting things, and is getting sick of the kids being dumped on her. The daily grind of responsibility is getting to him, and I am beginning to see the kids much more often. It hurts when they tell me that they don't brush their teeth and eat crap cereal and play on the computer instead of going out to play. And that their Dad just yells. And that Keala is as bad, if not worse, at his Dad's than with me.

But...I can't protect them forever, they'll have to figure out some things for themselves. I tell them to get an education in order to be able to escape their parents. And maybe I AM seeing some of the fruits of my labour, after all...Keala called to apologize for being such a shit, and he actually was nice and kind and funny the whole of the last visit. And we spoke of families and histories and growing up. Keoni is in a new school this year, an international one...he's seeing more of the world around him, and getting redy to fly off.

FF the ex is still plotting and hateful...but what's he gonna do to me, that he hasn't already done? Even my Mom, (benedict arnold that she was, inviting him to come to Hawaii with me, so that I could come for a visit and he could be sure that we got back on the plane) sees that he can be 'strange'. I believe she even told him off, the last time he tried to manipulate her.

The kids know what he's like. One of Keoni's friends was saying to him that he'll be 18 soon, and can escape...I had to remind them that Keoni's Dad will be pulling his strings until Keoni is out of school, and, as he wants to be a doctor, he might be stuck for a while past 18. Keoni knows that you can draw more flies with honey than with vinegar, and he's cool. And Keala is getting tired of being his Dad's hero...he's realized what that does to the rest of his family, and to himself...Keala will always be my most materialistic one, I'm afraid, but perhaps he'll get to the point where he can be proud of his own achievements and success.

I'm hoping that they'll be able to see both of their parents in a good light. Seeing who we are and why we did the things we did, and understand the frailities of the human emotional state. And see clearly that that which they lived has the opportunity to be used effectively and for good in their lives as the parents of my grandchildren. And forgive, in order to get on with their own lives.

[MadAzza]

Re: Life in France

Holy Mother of God, Susie. I feel so bad for you! And your poor kids, with all that evil from the other side.

Strength! (And a virtual hug.)

Aloha,
Maddie

P.S. Is there something from Hawaii you'd like to give your kids next time they visit? You can tell me here or PM me with your address/mailing instructions.

[SusieMisajon]

Re: Life in France

Leo certainly opened the floodgates, didn't he?!

No, Maddie, but thanks....my Mom sends lots of care packages. In fact, we have the most amazing collection of Aloha shirts, you can see them all over town...each time a package comes, the kids and all their friends divvy them up...and can always tell when the boys are in town, because there's the Aloha Shirt Solidarity Club... kids all over in town wearing Aloha shirts. Makes me laugh.

[SusieMisajon]

Re: Life in France

....I'm trying to get some pics in here...of French kids with Aloha shirts...

[SusieMisajon]

Re: Life in France

Continued...

[SusieMisajon]

Re: Life in France