What do you call it when...?

[Leo Lakio]

I am the kane half of a straight couple. My wahine and I have been together for a little over ten years now, co-habitating for nearly ten years.

We are not married, but function as a couple in our own and everyone else's eyes. We do not live in a common-law state, so the legal concept of a common-law marriage after seven years of cohabitation does not apply.

We own property together, are beneficiaries in each other's wills, and do not have children together (I have an adult daughter from an earlier marriage.)

So - the challenge comes when we introduce each other to people. It is not correct to use the terms "spouse" or "husband/wife"; "boyfriend/girlfriend" seems a little less than what we are, too. "Lover" moves into the TMI realm for too many people.

I often refer to her as my "sweetie," she sometimes calls herself my "other half." Other terms we've used include "engaged" (man, that's one long engagement!), "innamorata" (sounds exotic, no?) or even "POSSLQ" (Person of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters.) When others refer to us as "husband" or "wife," we generally don't bother to explain, unless we know them well enough.

This isn't something that bothers us - in fact, it's a little game to figure out the best term to use --- so I thought I'd bring the HT crew into the fun. What term would YOU suggest, when we try to describe our arrangement in a simple way to others?

(And don't take the easy way out and say "just get married" - we've already agreed that the only person who can make that demand on us is her Okinawan Southern-Baptist Grandmother, and she hasn't hinted anything of the sort yet.)

[helen]

You could use the term significant other or SO.

[Pomai]

Are you two co-signed on real estate property that you still pay mortgage? If so, I'm curious how you claim it when filing your taxes (for shelter purposes).

Glad to see you clarified yourselves as a "straight couple". Otherwise we wouldn't know what you meant by "wahine". :p

Just don't address her as "My old lady". :D

[craigwatanabe]

Well let's take it down and eliminate the obvious. She's not your Wife nor do you plan on marrying so she's not your Fiancee. Other than that she's just your Girlfriend. Whether it's a one year or 50-year relationship, that's about all she is.

It's as simple and correctly-stated as that. Nothing more, nothing less.

If you want more then marry her and commit to a life of partnership that is binding in God's eyes and in the law.

Marriage is a committment, shacking up means: I don't owe you anything and I can walk anytime.

Hey those are the facts, she's your girlfriend and you are just her boyfriend and either one of you can leave the relationship with simple "see ya". That's a bit unsettling unless you don't want committment.

[Leo Lakio]

It's as simple and correctly-stated as that. Nothing more, nothing less.

Marriage is a committment, shacking up means: I don't owe you anything and I can walk anytime.

Hey those are the facts, she's your girlfriend and you are just her boyfriend and either one of you can leave the relationship with simple "see ya". That's a bit unsettling unless you don't want committment.
I'm afraid it's not as simple as that, as we have binding legal agreements regarding our home (joint tenancy with rights of survivorship, blablabla) and other domestic partnership issues, as recognized by the county and state where we reside.

But I don't want this to shift into an "in God's eyes" discussion, though I completely respect that some people view our relationship as in some way flawed, wrong, incomplete, sinful, whatever. I wouldn't want to force my relationship choices upon them, and I would ask the same respect in return.

I'm more interested in hearing thoughts on the terminology people would use - a question of semantics. (Though to some people, perhaps "my fellow sinner" would be their choice of words. I can dig it.)

[Leo Lakio]

Glad to see you clarified yourselves as a "straight couple". Otherwise we wouldn't know what you meant by "wahine". :p
Just call me "MOTO" - "Master Of The Obvious." :o

[zztype]

I just introduce my wife as, "The Boss." Simple, everyone gets the message.

[lavagal]

We were cohabitating four years before we got married 10 years ago. I'm known as The Alpha Female to all who live here (two kids, three cats, four fish and a great husband) and that pretty much seals it for anyone. Feel free to use the term for your Alpha Wahine, too.
Aloha!

[Pomai]

We were cohabitating four years before we got married 10 years ago. I'm known as The Alpha Female to all who live here (two kids, three cats, four fish and a great husband) and that pretty much seals it for anyone. Feel free to use the term for your Alpha Wahine, too.
Aloha!

Watched a show on PBS a while back on the evolution of the domesticated dog. It told about their original descendant, the WOLF. Wolves stay in packs and choose one ALPHA LEADER.

This is the reason dogs usually choose ONE person in the household as their leader. They look to their Alpha leader when it's time to eat, when they want comfort, and also to protect from harm. My mother had poodles that were OBSESSIVE with her as their Alpha leader. Kinda scary actually.

Maybe I'll have my girlfriend call me "Alpha Hon" from now on. :rolleyes:

[Leo Lakio]

Feel free to use the term for your Alpha Wahine, too.
I just better be careful to not call her "Alpha Bits" - she might think I'm being cute and very insulting at the same time. :p

[kimo55]

it's pronounced pozzulkew.


common term among the cognoscente nowadays.


POOSSLQ

Person of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters

[1stwahine]

You can have all the Alpha's and all the Omega's...just remember who's 1st! ;) :p :D

Auntie Lynn

[Leo Lakio]

it's pronounced pozzulkew.
common term among the cognoscente nowadays.
POOSSLQ
Person of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters
It's always good for a laugh when you say that one, and some people go "whuuuuu...???"

[Linkmeister]

First time I saw POSSLQ was probably in one of the newsweeklies many years ago; I think it might have been a term the Census Bureau came up with, but I'm not sure whether it was the 1980 or 1990 period.

You're right; jaws drop when it's used.

[Pomai]

it's pronounced pozzulkew.
common term among the cognoscente nowadays.
POOSSLQ
Person of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters

If you pronounced the POOSSLQ acronym correctly, shouldn't it be "pooze'ul'kew"? (long O)

If you said, "pozz'ul'kew" (short O), then that would be POSSSLQ

Person Of Same Sex Sharing Living Quarters :eek: :D

Leo,
Perhaps call your sweetie "Wahineohe" since she's a woman from Kaneohe, not a "Kane"ohe. :p

[D'Alani]

I think you doing right by referring to her as your sweetie or honey or babe or life partner...not wife cause she isn't.

[MadAzza]

it's pronounced pozzulkew.


common term among the cognoscente nowadays.


POOSSLQ

Person of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters

Wow, that is SO romantic.

[MadAzza]

I'm afraid it's not as simple as that, as we have binding legal agreements regarding our home (joint tenancy with rights of survivorship, blablabla) and other domestic partnership issues, as recognized by the county and state where we reside.

But I don't want this to shift into an "in God's eyes" discussion, though I completely respect that some people view our relationship as in some way flawed, wrong, incomplete, sinful, whatever. I wouldn't want to force my relationship choices upon them, and I would ask the same respect in return.

I'm more interested in hearing thoughts on the terminology people would use - a question of semantics. (Though to some people, perhaps "my fellow sinner" would be their choice of words. I can dig it.)

OK, then, how about "fuckee"?
Or "future loser of her CD collection"?

[kimo55]

Wow, that is SO romantic.
well, i HAVE been told to tone thaaat down...

[jdub]

i lived with a girl for years, we were mutually exclusive and very much in love...possessive undertones notwithstanding, i referred to her as "my girl" when i had to introduce her...she didn't mind...

[sinjin]

What's wrong with "partner"?

[1stwahine]

How'dy! :p

Auntie Lynn

[Leo Lakio]

OK, then, how about "fuckee"?
Or "future loser of her CD collection"?
MadAzza - you do make me laugh! Mahalo for that.

I knew our relationship was permanent/serious when I invited her to mix her CDs in with mine. That was a scary proposition for her, as she only had about 100 discs, and they could get lost amongst my 3500...

...and what if I want to be the f**kee sometimes? (I have no problem with the f-word, btw, but I understand it's not supposed to be used on HT, so I'm playing by the rules here.)

[Leo Lakio]

What's wrong with "partner"?
Works fine in person, but otherwise, people automatically assume a gay couple, as that is the common implication of that term these days.
(Though the "pardner" variation, as hinted at by Auntie Lynn, has some possibilities --- ride the bucking bronco, and all that...) :cool:

[sinjin]

Works fine in person, but otherwise, people automatically assume a gay couple, as that is the common implication of that term these days.

I understand what many might think but what of it? I find it best to keep people guessing. There are those that wouldn't approve of your "lifestyle" either way.

[Pomai]

Are there people who disapprove of straight couples? :confused:

The only theory I could see anyone thinking that would be they're against procreation.

Then again, I have heard some jokes in stand-up comedy how ugly or stupid people shouldn't procreate. But that's just comedy. :p

I'll attest my GF and I are comfortably Metrosexual... "Fashion-mindedly Straight"
Hey we dress well. What else can we say? :D

[kimo55]

A Then again, I have heard some jokes in stand-up comedy how... stupid people shouldn't procreate. But that's just comedy.


and i laff at it cuz i have said seriously; "yea! dass true. I have said that many times meself"

[backwoodlessons2]

You could say "soul-mate"

[craigwatanabe]

OK, then, how about "fuckee"?
Or "future loser of her CD collection"?


I guess that depends on who's on top :D

Hey but staying OT...

cohabitating sounds like a zoo partner, and it's just another way of saying "shacking up".

partner just seems too unromantic.

significant other just tells me you're unable to say "committment"

like I said before, she's either your wife or your girlfriend (or boyfriend if you are of that persuasion).

and when I mean "Binding" in terms of marriage. Yes you can have legal documents that bind you together, however when it comes time to splitsville, the law won't step in and say okay you get this and she gets that and oh by the way there's alimony.

As the song goes: When two become one. That's what a marriage is all about. Anything else is: This is mine this is yours and I'll take mine if you don't like me anymore.

[1stwahine]

"Partner" can be very "Romantic"! It's how one uses it to describe the love who is sleeping with him/her but not bound in marriage for reasons of their own. I was in a similar situation for eight years. At that time, my partner was everything to me. However, marriage would have been a financial disaster. I played the game well like he did. "Partner"...das all. Financially, I'm secured. I can find all the partners I like! :p ;)

Auntie Lynn

[kimo55]

You could say "soul-mate"
yea. that once meant something.... spawned by the spiritual post hippie days... a while ago; implying this is the person that completes you that ya want by yer side fer evah and evah moah.

and now we see how the term has lost its meaning. as in when Tiny in his newspaper page a while back had;
"Tiny's soul mate... of the day"

whaaa!?

[sinjin]

Are there people who disapprove of straight couples? :confused:
There are those that disapprove of straight couples shackin' up. There are those who disapprove of a man not makin' an honest woman of her. Antiquated? I'd say so but that's just me.

[Leo Lakio]

Are there people who disapprove of straight couples?
Maybe not of all straight couples - but there have been plenty straight couples of which people disapprove (and they are all discussed in the "celebrities" sections of newspapers and magazines.)

[Peshkwe]

You could call each other 'Boo'.

It's a slanged off version of 'beau'...technically she'd be 'ma belle'...but in it's coruption it's kinda become generic between the genders for use.

[Leo Lakio]

I told "ma belle" last evening about this thread, and some of the responses --- she was most amused by "Alpha Female," so I suspect that will show up in conversation soon. (She also cracked up at "f**kee," but I think the opportunities to use that one will be fewer.)

We don't really lose sleep over this - in fact, we have fun with it (we find the humor in much of life anyway), and I appreciate the rest of you having fun along with us.

[Pomai]

Maybe not of all straight couples - but there have been plenty straight couples of which people disapprove (and they are all discussed in the "celebrities" sections of newspapers and magazines.)

Well, I disapprove of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

Angelina's supposed to be with ME!
(My GF laughs when I say that).
:D

[Peshkwe]

(She also cracked up at "f**kee," but I think the opportunities to use that one will be fewer.)



Not if you get creative and alter it just slightly...she can call you 'fuh' ...you call her 'kawe' and she can still be Alpha female 'cause kawe means first in 'shinob ;p

[lavagal]

Here's another one--"Shmoopie"
As in you're "Shmoopie"
No, you are!
No, you!

A Seinfeld episode. Our indoor cat is Shmoo.

[lurkah]

Not if you get creative and alter it just slightly...she can call you 'fuh' ...you call her 'kawe'
And then they can both look at each other and say, "Where the fuh kawe?"

[Leo Lakio]

And then they can both look at each other and say, "Where the fuh kawe?"
Only if we are visiting you in Daboonies...

[lurkah]

Only if we are visiting you in Daboonies...
We have that slogan posted on the "Entering" and "Leaving" city limits signs which are planted within eyeshot of each other.

[craigwatanabe]

"Partner" can be very "Romantic"! It's how one uses it to describe the love who is sleeping with him/her but not bound in marriage for reasons of their own. I was in a similar situation for eight years. At that time, my partner was everything to me. However, marriage would have been a financial disaster. I played the game well like he did. "Partner"...das all. Financially, I'm secured. I can find all the partners I like! :p ;)

Auntie Lynn

I had two for four years and one for 2 years. I called them my girlfriends. I mean that's what they were traditionally speaking that is.


Nah partner sounds like somebody you square dance to. But if you're gonna cozy up to another bedwarmer then partner seems so clinical. LOVE MUFFIN's or YEAH BABY has more spice to it. How would you feel if your lover of life, body and soul introduced you as: I'd like you to meet my partner. Eh not even a spark there. BUT wouldn't it be grand if your lover of life, body and soul introduced you as: I'd like you to meet nature's answer to Viagra! Yeah, now that's bragging! :D

[Peshkwe]

Only if we are visiting you in Daboonies...

Ahhh...yes....

boonii = to land from a flight, or alight...

What happens on the downside of the bounce in boonii-bouncing.

[Leo Lakio]

What happens on the downside of the bounce in boonii-bouncing.
And now you know how I met my "Alpha Female" (just getting back on-topic, even if I have to lie to do so.) :D

[1stwahine]

I had two for four years and one for 2 years. I called them my girlfriends. I mean that's what they were traditionally speaking that is.


Nah partner sounds like somebody you square dance to. But if you're gonna cozy up to another bedwarmer then partner seems so clinical. LOVE MUFFIN's or YEAH BABY has more spice to it. How would you feel if your lover of life, body and soul introduced you as: I'd like you to meet my partner. Eh not even a spark there. BUT wouldn't it be grand if your lover of life, body and soul introduced you as: I'd like you to meet nature's answer to Viagra! Yeah, now that's bragging! :D

Ya' FUNNY! Alas...I still without one Partner! :eek: :p

Auntie Lynn

[Peshkwe]

I had two for four years and one for 2 years. I called them my girlfriends. I mean that's what they were traditionally speaking that is.


Nah partner sounds like somebody you square dance to. But if you're gonna cozy up to another bedwarmer then partner seems so clinical. LOVE MUFFIN's or YEAH BABY has more spice to it. How would you feel if your lover of life, body and soul introduced you as: I'd like you to meet my partner. Eh not even a spark there. BUT wouldn't it be grand if your lover of life, body and soul introduced you as: I'd like you to meet nature's answer to Viagra! Yeah, now that's bragging! :D


Ooooo...that there's a snag!

[Leo Lakio]

Ooooo...that there's a snag!
As opposed to a "S.N.A.G." = Sensitive New Age Guy (check out Christine Lavin's song about same.)

[Peshkwe]

As opposed to a "S.N.A.G." = Sensitive New Age Guy (check out Christine Lavin's song about same.)



Hee...not quite

http://snagaskin.com/

[craigwatanabe]

so tell me because I'm old school, but what the heck is a Metro guy?

[Leo Lakio]

so tell me because I'm old school, but what the heck is a Metro guy?
From the Wiktionary --- a blend of "metropolitan" and "heterosexual" --- (1) A young man concerned with self-image, self-indulgence and money.(Usually urban, heterosexual, probably affluent). (2) A young man who is seen, sociologically, as having attributes common to homosexuals, but is in fact heterosexual.
Most sources attrubute the word's creation to a 1994 article by Mark Simpson, published in The Independent: "The promotion of metrosexuality was left to the men's style press, magazines such as The Face, GQ, Esquire, Arena and FHM, the new media which took off in the Eighties and is still growing (GQ gains 10,000 new readers every month). They filled their magazines with images of narcissistic young men sporting fashionable clothes and accessories. And they persuaded other young men to study them with a mixture of envy and desire. Some people said unkind things. American GQ, for example, was popularly dubbed 'Gay Quarterly'. Little wonder that all these magazines — with the possible exception of The Face — address their metrosexual readership as if none of them were homosexual or even bisexual." - Mark Simpson, "Here come the mirror men" The Independent, November 15, 1994 -

[alohabear]

I'm afraid it's not as simple as that, as we have binding legal agreements regarding our home (joint tenancy with rights of survivorship, blablabla) and other domestic partnership issues, as recognized by the county and state where we reside.

But I don't want this to shift into an "in God's eyes" discussion, though I completely respect that some people view our relationship as in some way flawed, wrong, incomplete, sinful, whatever. I wouldn't want to force my relationship choices upon them, and I would ask the same respect in return.

I'm more interested in hearing thoughts on the terminology people would use - a question of semantics. (Though to some people, perhaps "my fellow sinner" would be their choice of words. I can dig it.)
Binding is good ....having a will is good . But with a good lawyer, your adult child could take her share from a "girlfriend". Taking a share from a legal spouse is harder in the eyes of the law. You may say now "that my child would not do that" , but in the future ....Who Knows?

[Leo Lakio]

Binding is good ....having a will is good . But with a good lawyer, your adult child could take her share from a "girlfriend".
Which is exactly why we have the documents registering "joint tenancy with rights of survivorship" on the only property we jointly hold - our home. That way, if one of us were to die before the other, neither my daughter nor her parents could boot the other one out. (It helps that my sweetie works in the field of Law, so she's up-to-speed on what was the best plan of action. And no, we did not have her firm do the paperwork.)

[alohabear]

Which is exactly why we have the documents registering "joint tenancy with rights of survivorship" on the only property we jointly hold - our home. That way, if one of us were to die before the other, neither my daughter nor her parents could boot the other one out. (It helps that my sweetie works in the field of Law, so she's up-to-speed on what was the best plan of action.)
OK :) You just answered your own original question BTW...your lucky lady is your Sweetie!

[Leo Lakio]

OK :) You just answered your own original question BTW...your lucky lady is your Sweetie!
Yep - that seems to be my preferred term, all right. I really enjoy the variations other people have come up with.

You are absolutely right about the "who knows" aspect of the future. My mother's husband just died unexpectedly a few weeks ago - his grown daughter freaked out (understandably), and she began countering my mother's wishes (which she felt represented the wishes of the deceased) regarding organ donation, disposition of the remains, etc. These items were not spelled out in any of their wills or directives, so there was no legal way to establish his wishes.

Caused a bit of tension at an awkward time, as you can imagine. (Everything has settled down to a more peaceful pace now, thankfully, but it does go to show you the importance of spelling things out in a legal document AND making sure your family members are all aware of your wishes.)

[alohabear]

Just wondering .... anyone with a law backgroud out there? Who has more rights(to the deceased property) in a non-common law State like Hawaii, the deceased children,or the girl/boyfriend? :confused:

[Leo Lakio]

Just wondering .... anyone with a law backgroud out there? Who has more rights(to the deceased property) in a non-common law State like Hawaii, the deceased children,or the girl/boyfriend? :confused:
Well, of course you're confused...the "deceased children" have no rights to the property. :p

OK, OK, I know what you meant. As I understand it (we did a lot of research before doing our wills), in a non-common law state, if the deceased party has children, and no will stating otherwise (a key point), all property would go to the children (also discounting any liens or claims against said property.) However, if the property is clearly willed to someone else, that's who it would go to, whether that person was in a relationship with the deceased or not (they could will all their assets to a domestic partner, a beloved nephew, or a favorite charity, for example.) UNLESS...the children successfully contest the will in court.

But in the case of no will or similar legally-binding document, it goes to the children, who are considered the closest living relative (next of kin.) If there are no children, in a non-marital relationship as you described, then a living parent would be next in line. If the parents are gone, other close relatives such as siblings would get the property, and so on.

[Leo Lakio]

If there are no children, in a non-marital relationship as you described, then a living parent would be next in line. If the parents are gone, other close relatives such as siblings would get the property, and so on.
My law-expert Alpha Female confirmed the earlier posting, and suggests I also add the following: after parents and siblings, there are varying points at which the State takes control of the assets of the deceased; it varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction.

[craigwatanabe]

Just remember though, that wills have been contested to the point where the children have exhausted their financial resources to battle a "girlfriend" who has access to a joint checking account to finance a battle with.

A legal document is just a piece of paper and can go into a state of appeals for a very long time. My friend finally had his Grandmother's will come out of a lengthy court battle (lasting over 20-years). What made it even more convoluted was that his mother passed away during the battle between his immediate family (Mom, sister and him) and his mom's sisters (who appealed the probate court's distribution of their mom's will).

During that time the known beneficiary on the existing (contested) will had to pay for all property taxes on a mansion on the Gold coast of Kahala. He ended up having to live in a rathole to pay for the incredible property tax (amounting to the tens of thousands of dollars) every year. He went broke and in the process almost lost his marriage because of the stress.

But in the end it paid off and just last year the estate finally came out of probate. Now he has to fight his Mom's boyfriend who claimed that there was a trust set up to give him all of my friend's mom's assets (which included the mother's mom's assets that just cleared probate).

The best piece of advice I can give here is, get married, get a will and get a trust. While alive get a power of attorney to place all future assets in the marriage into this trust. Make sure the trust is a revocable living trust that upon death of one or both spouses, the trust is converted automatically to an irrevocable trust that is binding and that compliments the wording of the last will and testiment.

An irrevocable trust will maintain the spirit and letter of the trust that the deceased person wanted.

Make sure the will and trust is updated at least every five years to take advantage of the ever changing estate laws and to ensure that all broken relationships are cleared if there is a divorce.

AND don't assume one estate lawyer knows every law in the book. Estate laws change and are updated EVERY YEAR in accordance with the everchanging TAX LAWS. There are seminars held every year by the IRS to inform these lawyers of the changes in the laws but not too many so called Tax or Estate lawyers attend. Get second opinions and have your trust reviewed annually to see if there are any discrepancies.

IT's your money. Dying before securing it's value upon your beneficiaries is your responsibility.