the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

[anapuni808]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'



St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'



So the zebra went off in search of God.



When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'


God simply replied 'You are what you are.'


The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'


The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''


St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..'


The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'


'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..'

(oh, I am soooo bad - I stole this joke from Lika)

[TATTRAT]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

What kina bee gives milk? A boo-bee

What do ya call a fish with two knees? A two knee fish

Why are blacks so tall? ' cause their knee grows

If women with big boobs work at Hooters, where do waitresses with one leg work? Ihop

Why don't blind people sky dive? It scares the shit out of their dogs.

An old Asian couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, the wife asks " husband, for 50 years we have shared the same bed, shared each other, what if anything can I do to make this special?". After long, careful thought and consideration, the hubby finally replies, " my love, after so maaaaany years, of sooooooo much of the same thing, there is only one thing I wish I could try with you. . .I want 69"

She says back, "69? 69! After 50 years, what 'chu want beef and broccoli for now?!"




And thus concludes the wort possible jokes for this evening

[matapule]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

Little johnny was asked to say grace at Thanksgiving dinner. Johnny says "Thank you lord for the fine food on this table and tomorrow my Grandmother is going to die."

The next day grandma dies..

At Christmas dinner, Johnny is asked once again to give grace. Johnny says "Thank you lord for the fine food on this table and tomorrow my father is going to die."

The next day when the father returns home from work the mother asks the father how his day went. The father replies "fine, I hide in my office all day, not wanting to go anywhere because I was afraid I was going to die" In return he asks his wife how her day was? The wife replies " it was terrible...the mail man dropped dead on the porch!!

[matapule]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

What is the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer nuts are about a $1.50, Deer nuts are under a buck!!

[matapule]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

A grandmother is sunbathing on her towel on a deserted south Florida beach, when a man of approximate age spreads his towel out near hers and opens a book. She takes notice of him and strikes up a conversation:

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you"...he returns to his book.

"I love this beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2yrs ago"...he returns to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3yrs ago and it's very lonely. Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live in Miami." once again he resumes reading.

Desperate for a common topic of interest, she asks, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that the man dropped his book, moved over to her blanket and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand had finally settled she gasped, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

He replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[matapule]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

Two Moke kine come into a bar on Maui and they buy drinks for everybody in the place. They were celebrating and whooping it up, slapping everybody on the back. So the bartender says, "What are you whooping it up for? What's the occasion?"

They said, "We jus' finish jigsaw puzzle an' only took two months!"

The bartender said, "Two months! What's the big deal? It shouldn't take that long to do a jigsaw puzzle!"

"Oh yeah, you got beef brah?" says one Moke an' give stink eye to bartender. "On box it say 2 to 4 year!"

[anapuni808]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

(carry on - nothing to see here. i made a mistake in my link. will repost when i've got the right address)

[matapule]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said,
'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic;
think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking;
the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific
and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
why she snaps and complains when I try to help,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.'








God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Ron Whitfield]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said "NO!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after while riding motorcycles and going fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank... and left the toilet seat up.

The End

[Nobunaga]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

I told this one to my friend Irene.
My favorite elephant joke. It goes like this:

Little Johnny goes to the zoo with his mother, and they come across the elephant. Johnny asks his mother, "Hey mom! What's that hanging down from the elephant?" His mother answers "That's his trunk." Johnny says "Not that, behind his trunk!" His mother answers, "Why that's his tail." Then Johnny says, "No Mom! Behind his trunk, in front of his tail! See that thing hanging down from the elephant? What's that?!" His mother gets embarrassed and says, "Oh! that's nothing... Let's go see the penquins..."

The next week, Lil Johnny goes to the same zoo with his dad, and they come across the same elephant. Johnny asks the same things, getting the same answers until Johnny explains "The thing behind the trunk, but in front of the tail.." So Daddy asks, "What do you want to know what that is for?" Johnny replies, "Mom said it is nothing..." Dad says, "Oh! Your mom is just spoiled!....

Irene laughed away at that joke! Then she asked me" "What was that hanging down from the elephant?"

[craigwatanabe]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out small fires.




Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

[anapuni808]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed
her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked
the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

If you laughed at this pass it on.

[matapule]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

An older couple goes to the Doctor. He asks the husband if sex is
still good, and if he has any questions.

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After having sex with my wife I am
usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I am usually cold and chilly?"

Surprised he can still do it twice, the Doc then sees the wife. After
examining the elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be
fine. Do you have any medical! Concern’s that you would like to
discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or
concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband has an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the
first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you
know why?"

"Crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in July and the second time is in December!"

[Nobunaga]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

There is this lady who got a face lift. When her bandages came off, the plastic surgeon gave her a mirror, and she was very pleased.

On her way home, she was hungry, so she stopped at a McDonalds for a snack. While ordering, she asks a young fellow behind the counter, "Would you care to guess my age?" The guy looks at her and replies... "Ummmm about 32?" And she proudly says "Forty seven!". She then gets her snack, eats it and is on her way. She then stops at a drug store to pick up a prescription. There, behind the counter, there is another young dude, and she asks him "Would you care to guess my age?" He looks at her and answers "Ummmm 29?????" And she proudly says "Forty seven!" and she goes happily along her way.

She then gets on the bus on her way home. Pretty soon, the bus gets kind of empty, except for her and this older fellow. So she asks him: "Sir, would you care to guess my age?" And he answers, "Lady, I am 84 years old, and my eyes are failing... But if you let me feel your boobs, I will tell you how old you are..." She thinks about it and in her mind, she says "I am still quite firm, I will let him try it..." So she lifts her blouse and said "Go ahead!" He starts feeling around her boobs, and is taking quite a long time... She finally gets impatient and says "Well?!" And he says, "You are forty seven years old!...." She looks at him with amazement! She said "How could you tell?!" and he answers... "I was standing behind you at McDonalds when you were ordering."

[matapule]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

A pirate goes into a bar. He has a ship's wheel hanging off the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the ship's wheel on the front off your pants?"

The pirate answers, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts."