Spouse vs Family

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Re: Spouse vs Family

Sorry you are having to endure this, S.

Our rule of thumb is that we never pull the other into our domestics. We scrap alone and the other stays out of it. This worked especially well with each other's inlaws, considering we both come from strong-willed families and the fact is that those situations have no business in our home.

[Serenity]

Re: Spouse vs Family

Sorry you are having to endure this, S.

Our rule of thumb is that we never pull the other into our domestics. We scrap alone and the other stays out of it. This worked especially well with each other's inlaws, considering we both come from strong-willed families and the fact is that those situations have no business in our home.

First of, I want to thank you so very much for taking the time to reply to this thread . 2nd, that, your statement/reply is very resfreshing to know ,

third, I feel (to me), that in life, sometimes things are easier said than done (depending on what it is &/or what the circumstances are).

You know here in HT, with all this feed back that I get, it does help me greatly to be able to get focuse on life, & be able to take a step back, to look outside of the box & say; yeah, I see that, this what I should do, this is how I should feel instead of that, etc. In a sense some how it does help me, instead of being out of focuse, not knowing what do & feel, than get too angry, without thinking first,then next thing you know you see someone that you may know, perhaps a friend (once), or a loved one on the news that auotmaticaly died somehow.

I never want to be on the news like that, unless I win a billion & plus dollars, or something . lol.

Thanks soo much again for your efforts. :-)

[GeckoGeek]

Re: Spouse vs Family

& I can't even stand up & say something, cuz she has heart conditon

Uhhhh, I'll be the first to say that I've got no medical training, but since when is that a valid excuse?

The impression I'm getting is that you're dealing with a bully and that's just one of the ways she trys to control others.

It must be my mean streak, but I think I'd be inclined to give nice, pleasant, short answers delivered with a smile designed to wind her clock. I think once she finds that you can best her in her own game she'll leave you alone.

But by all means, use the advice that others have given. Save mine for last when you have determined that there's nothing to be gained from kindness. Except maybe finding out how valid a heart condition is for setting conversational ground rules.

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Re: Spouse vs Family

third, I feel (to me), that in life, sometimes things are easier said than done (depending on what it is &/or what the circumstances are).

I have bickered with my mother in law and been furious with my father in law. these people are still my husband's parents. I have scrapped with his only sister. but I honored my husband by keeping him out of it each time, because he loves them, and he should, no matter what.

My husband has fought with my father and took it upon himself to make things right with the man. The fact that he did that, and how he went about it, is more important to me than I had first realized. By keeping me out of the middle, he honored me.

The most important corollary to all of this is not setting the loved one up to be in the middle. "No get me involved...this is between you two." is our mantra.

[D'Alani]

Re: Spouse vs Family

Serenity you should take the time to carefully consider what PM is saying for as she almost always does, she is sharing sage advice.

[Serenity]

Re: Spouse vs Family

Uhhhh, I'll be the first to say that I've got no medical training, but since when is that a valid excuse?

The impression I'm getting is that you're dealing with a bully and that's just one of the ways she trys to control others.

It must be my mean streak, but I think I'd be inclined to give nice, pleasant, short answers delivered with a smile designed to wind her clock. I think once she finds that you can best her in her own game she'll leave you alone.

I'm remembering the old adage saying...

"kill 'em with kindness" (with a smile too, to boot) lol.

But by all means, use the advice that others have given. Save mine for last when you have determined that there's nothing to be gained from kindness. Except maybe finding out how valid a heart condition is for setting conversational ground rules.

SURE, Thanks :-) I'll use your advice as my last resort/amunition.lol.

Thanks so much for your kind advice :-).

[Serenity]

Re: Spouse vs Family

I have bickered with my mother in law and been furious with my father in law. these people are still my husband's parents. I have scrapped with his only sister. but I honored my husband by keeping him out of it each time, because he loves them, and he should, no matter what.

My husband has fought with my father and took it upon himself to make things right with the man. The fact that he did that, and how he went about it, is more important to me than I had first realized. By keeping me out of the middle, he honored me.

The most important corollary to all of this is not setting the loved one up to be in the middle. "No get me involved...this is between you two." is our mantra.

WOW!!, if you ask me, that's deep!!. That really did struck me, & made me feel that; I'm with you in the same boat .

Thank you for going out of your way to give such a davice .

Serenity you should take the time to carefully consider what PM is saying for as she almost always does, she is sharing sage advice.

I definately will , Thank you for pointing that out to me :-),

[Serenity]

Re: Spouse vs Family

The impression I'm getting is that you're dealing with a bully and that's just one of the ways she trys to control others.

you know...

I thought about what you said there for a while..

it just dawned on me, that YEAH, she is a FRGN BULLY !!.

Last recent Christmas, it was her, her cousin, (the cousin was visiting) & I were all outside of the house, underneath a roof open garage. with all the hand made jewelries (made cheap) that was in a plastic portable storage, & we 3 of us were looking through it, majority of it was going to be thrown out, so before it was thrown out into trash, that we would pick & choose what we wanted.

So, as that was going on, the 2 ladies was yacking it up, & I was adding on my comments, (being nice), the 2 were just totally insulting me .

I guess I was kinda trying to be nice & giving the first impression, that I didn't want to come off as a B!tch, but inside, I know I was dying, & crying !!.
I guess I was at fault again, that I didn't want to be brave enough & say something.

Recently, on the angry feeling I had with my hubby's 1/2 sister, & when I told him how I felt..

He told me that I should have said something like "I see your lips move, & all I hear is blah blah blah!." LMAO :-D. Then after that, walk away.

I'm thinking...

When I am so mad & angry, at the same time wanting to be nice, I get clouded judgment, then at the end, I am the one who is hurt the more, cuz I didn't say anything to defend myself :-( . SIGH!!.

I don't know why I am like that with his sister, when I can be totally the opposite, & speak my mind, & if someone &/or a stranger makes me mad or p!sses me off, I get vocally violent back, or at least try to be civil first, & if that doesn't work, then try for being violently vocal. lol.

[turtlegirl]

Re: Spouse vs Family

Awww, sweetie....
Hugs! I'm sorry your family is such a pain...

[Serenity]

Re: Spouse vs Family

Uhhhh, I'll be the first to say that I've got no medical training, but since when is that a valid excuse?

Well...

I'm affraid that no matter what I say & how I may say it, (as trying to express my feelings to her), Knowing her (as a FRGN BULLY), that she may use it against me, & when she does begin to hurt (or get worse), that she'll blame me for the cause of it !!.

So, better my hubby to explain it to her for me, that she has no ammunition to try to shoot me with it.

[Serenity]

Re: Spouse vs Family

Awww, sweetie....
Hugs! I'm sorry your family is such a pain...

Awww, thank you for your comfort. That means a lot to me.

[GeckoGeek]

Re: Spouse vs Family

He told me that I should have said something like "I see your lips move, & all I hear is blah blah blah!." LMAO :-D. Then after that, walk away.

Something else to consider, different people have different styles. Friends insult friends all the time. The difference is that they know they're just messing with them. Could it be that your in-laws have a more aggressive style then you're used to?

I know that was one of my failings as a kid - taking the other kids a little too seriously and ending up getting picked on.

[Serenity]

Re: Spouse vs Family

Something else to consider, different people have different styles. Friends insult friends all the time. The difference is that they know they're just messing with them. Could it be that your in-laws have a more aggressive style then you're used to?

Perhaps, that could be it, (not sure). Perhaps also, that deep inside, that I truly don't want them to see my true colors(?), so I end up just being hurt? & not defending myself?. But, inside my thinking, that I really want to tell her off, but I can't.

That's the only conclution I can come up with.

I know that was one of my failings as a kid - taking the other kids a little too seriously and ending up getting picked on.

I got picked on, too on some several occations back in my day, when I was much younger too , especially with my name, my height, etc. .

Yeah, I'm sure it wasn't very nice either.

[Serenity]

Re: Spouse vs Family

Just to let you all know...

FWIW, for me; talking about it helps .

At least I get feed backs etc.

For those who posted here, I would like to say thank you if I didn't get a chance to thank you, yet,

I am very thankful for all the replies, & advices I was given .

We are still working on & trying to go about changing that 5 times a year visit to the unlimited visit with Kaiser.

My hubby is on the account, & the account holder, so we would have to apply together, etc. Soon I hope.

It would be on his own time me to apply.

Just posting a note to thank everyone here that posted .

Happy Valetine's Day Everyone.

P.S. I actually had a good Saturday & Sunday to my/our selves since my hubby didn't have to go to waihiawa on Sunday, cuz it was so busy for him. :-)

[Serenity]

Re: Spouse vs Family

I am not sure if I mentioned in any of my post on this thread in regards to the boxes that my hubby's 1/2 sister have naged me about for the last time.

But...

She was always naging me in any chance she could get, & one sunday that we were all finaly having a good day, she took care of it, & made me feel bad (again) when I steped outside on the patio to enjoy the day after watching a game with everyone (at their dad's place), she decided to get mad at me to make me feel bad.

(in short) Then on the way out my hubby decided to take care of the boxes from the mini storage in their mom's house into a storage facility.

If she hadn't said anything (& she should have just let it go [about the boxes etc.]), non of the angry feelings would have surfaced etc. & my hubby would have saved a whole lot of money instead of paying it towards the storage on a monthly basis.

It's my mom's important boxes that some - to most of it belonged to my granfather (my grandparents have been dead for a long time). I can't minimize it, cuz, there so many of it, & they are all mixed in together in different boxes. So, we just transported it in a storage, & my hubby would pay for it until June, & thats when my mom would come back to claim all the boxes. I convinced her to pay it all back to my hubby, at first he said she can pay half, then he felt as if he was wasting his money away etc, so thats why I convinced my mom to pay 100% back in June. My mom lives in LVNV.

Shes is also having financial strugel, & hopes to have enough to pay it all of the storage fee back when she comes.

But..

sometime after we took care of the boxes, thereafter, I guess my hubby got all stressed out, & some how or another, I became the scapegoat, & he said that he can't handle it, & wanted to leave me .

If he left me, it would alleviate all his stress etc.that he is having in his life (that I am supposedly causing or the cause of it).

(I thought [to myself], that it is utterly stupid just to chuck it [our marriage] out the window just for petty stupid things).

I try to difuse the idea on the fact that, I have no income, & no job, even if I found a job, it is too short of a notice for us to leave the apt in 45 days, plus I have no apartment, to go to & where am I gonna find the money to put my stuff in storage. He said he would help me, what?? pay for another storage,again??.

I don't think so.

Since we are waiting on somekind of a financial help for me (if or when it is possible at at all.), he stated that he would wait for that, which means I still have hope.

& so, I worked on that & took advantage of it, & so we worked things out
:-), thank goodness. :-)

Still, remained the fact that, if we hadn't thought of moving the boxes out, because his half sister was so focused on that space, when there are so many spaces at the house, I think, (my friends thought the same), that she hates me, that the reasons for naging me about the boxes, & focused on reclaiming that mini storage for herself. (she doesn't live in the house).

So, my hubby wants to move to his mom's house, atleast that way it can be practical in a long run, to beautify the house as he pays for it on the monthly basis etc, along with the other regular bills etc.

His nephew lives there too, but does not have a job, & all mouth, if you ask me. Says that he'll be either looking for a job, or getting one soon, etc. yeah, right!!. since when?!!.

I think he is being kicked out, his last day is the end of May, in which we would have moved in by then too. I think the nephew is a control freak, cuz, we asked him to make a copy of the key to the house, & hasn't made any attempts/effort. Then weeks go by, we gave him money to do so, still nothing. What ever!!. So, I think, one sunday, my hubby will actually try to make a copy of the key. Technically, its NOT even his house to keep!!. He was just renting (when he had a job & money long ago). One of my hubby's brother is the keeper of the house, or somesort of care taker with the financial matters etc.

I think in the company that my hubby's nephew was working in, they had a big disagreement, & decided to quit his job. Then my hubby encouraged him to say sorry, & I'm sure he would have gotten his job back just as easily, but he didn't want to do that, & to go back. What ever. thats his prerogative.

Well, life sucks, I guess (to some people to some degree).

Hope things will start to look up for us once we move out, cuz my other neighbor accross the way (in another apartment) is probably hard of hearing, cuz they always have their TV loud passed 10:00 pm.

I'm sorry, I just can't live up to my HT made up name (serenity), its just way too hard being serene. I just like the name.

Take Care & Aloha.

P.S. hopefully I can reply back (to those who might reply), but don't know when.