the alchemy of raising teenagers

[i-hungry]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

Nothing personal but she's a teenager. Give her some freedom. They'll rebel against good and bad advice. Talk less and wait.

Let her experience failure. She has to know she can mess up things. Suffering can teach her things that a lecture can't.

Parents can only do so much.

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

I agree that suffering (er, experience) is a valuable teacher. It isn't easy balancing a child's need to fail with the very real concern that failing doesn't matter to her. Let's be statistical and logical about this. Look at the kids who are disaffected by such realities. What is the #1 complaint lodged against them? Contempt that their parents didn't give a damn and now just look at their rotten kids. And so forth and so forth, because consequences didn't happen at home, so now society grapples with providing them their consequences.

It is very difficult being selective about when to give and not give a damn.

[damontucker]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

I'd probably lean more towards your husband's viewpoint --- but I'm not saying that's the right thing to do in this case.

I will try and lean toward my own view here... At least she has BOTH a Mother and a Father to receive advice and guidance from. (Not being gender specific... however, I mean two caring parents)
This is one thing that many children raised by single parents do not have the luxury of saying.
So no matter how much your view differs from your DH... please realize that just having both of you having views will hopefully shape and guide your daughter to have the best qualities of both of you guys when she grows up.

[tutusue]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

My dear husband and I are at a temporary impass re: consequences for this kid.[...]

PM? With all due respect, I agree with your husband. As a mom of former teens I completely understand where you're coming from. But now both you and your daughter are reacting emotionally. Hard not to do, I might add. But it doesn't lead anywhere except straight downhill. Also, at her age most are drama queens. I don't know any way around that except time.

A thought...instead of "asking her common sensical questions about the logisitics of her choices", what is the possibility of just asking her what the solution might be from her point of view. Or, better yet, ask for various solutions. She might come up with something that's palatable to you. If so, since it's her idea she might be more willing to abide by it. Maybe even come to a written agreement.

I'm going thru a similar decision (but a different problem) with my 2 new calabash kids, ages 18 & 21. I have a lose-lose situation I need to present to them. My "mom instinct" tells me to do all of the research and offer them the solution so that losing will be less harsh. My gut tells me to hand the situation over to them along with the various consequences and tell them it's their choice. Damn, that's just so difficult.

Just thinking with my fingers!

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

If anything, the responses to my issue has been completely respectful, honest and thought-provoking. I am grateful.

As for the Firstborn Daughter, I will request some middle ground with her. Just do it, love. Get your plan together, and just do it. Let me know or don't. Solicit my help or don't. It's all good. But just do what has to be done. Don't be afraid of the work; be afraid of not doing anything. Now get up, Trinity!!!

[newroots]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

theres a cure to teenage alchemy..

its called the belt cure. it works , they tried it on me. haha


nah , i think everyone has a problem raising teenagers ... i'm scared to think of what my son might do to me. (im 18 and have no kids though)

but speaking from experience , it'll get better in the older years.

just keep em in line as much as u can. (why am i giving parental advice?)

[newroots]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

the most important thing , in my warped and twisted opinion , that u can teach your child.... is respect and love. if you instill in your child a strong sense of respect and love , than all the other aspects of life should fall into place.

[i-hungry]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

I agree that suffering (er, experience) is a valuable teacher. It isn't easy balancing a child's need to fail with the very real concern that failing doesn't matter to her. Let's be statistical and logical about this. Look at the kids who are disaffected by such realities. What is the #1 complaint lodged against them? Contempt that their parents didn't give a damn and now just look at their rotten kids. And so forth and so forth, because consequences didn't happen at home, so now society grapples with providing them their consequences.

Nothing wrong with explaining what you think and how you feel about the situation to your daughter.

Giving them freedom doesn't mean you have to stay completely silent.

[brianca]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

Mine's still a baby, but we work hard on teaching her the concept of consequences for her actions already. We hope to teach her that she always has choices in life, but those choices always have consequences, and you need to be clear on what they are before you decide.

Your case is a tough one because it's tempting to let her experience the consequences of her actions, but if those consequences are too detrimental in the long term, I think it's your responsibility to step in keep her on the right path. To use a hyperbole to make a point, if she wanted to rob a bank so she could get some new clothes, you wouldn't want to just let her do it and go to jail for 20 years to learn a lesson. There's a line somewhere that you are the adult that's able to see the long term consequences that she can't, and you have to intervene in those situations sometimes. Does this cross that line? I doubt it. Grades don't really follow you through your life as long as they aren't bad enough to keep you out of college. Assuming of course she's going to college. That makes it even harder though, because it's hard to teach the consequences of actions when there may not really be any.

[Jonah K]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

Grades don't really follow you through your life as long as they aren't bad enough to keep you out of college. Assuming of course she's going to college. That makes it even harder though, because it's hard to teach the consequences of actions when there may not really be any.

While failing English probably won't get her a scholarship at Harvard, she can still go to USC (if she has a sizable college fund).

[nachodaddy]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

While failing English probably won't get her a scholarship at Harvard, she can still go to USC (if she has a sizable college fund).

USC. University of Spoiled Children

better UCLA. Unfortunate Caucasians Lost amongst Asians

[Jonah K]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

USC. University of Spoiled Children

better UCLA. Unfortunate Caucasians Lost amongst Asians

My older brother (and several other 'ohana members as well as Wal-Mart heiress Paige Laurie) attended USC, while I went to UCLA. Even though they managed to "graduate" from USC, they never learned how to correctly spell our last name. On the other hand, I acquired a smattering of Asian languages at UCLA that no one else in the 'ohana can speak.

So I guess that the stereotypes of both schools have a little truth to them.

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

To update:

It hasn't been a completely Happy Home on the range. But the kid is putting pressure on herself. We will see how long this lasts; I have all of her teacher's email addresses, of which my daughter is aware, and will contact them within the next two weeks to see how well she is doing. This will affect the outcome of how happy her holidays will be (not a veiled threat about presents, but a distinct one on the sort of carolling her mamma will be singing).

Until then, I remain quiet on the subject of school.

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

While failing English probably won't get her a scholarship at Harvard, she can still go to USC (if she has a sizable college fund).

<grabs albezia branch to administer whacks>

We have three kids and are middle-class folk. My encouragement is along the lines of a state U, either getting a sports scholarship or walking on to the team and hopefully earning one from their sophomore year, and to do a semester/yr exchange in faraway lands, like Europe or NZ.

[nachodaddy]

Re: the alchemy of raising teenagers

Pua'i Mana'o;

Beg, borrow, steal "How to Win a Sport's Scholarship" by Hastings and Caven. Excellent insight into the college recruiting system.

You got one shot, one window, to do this right.

First of all, walk on is not a good option. Your daughter is already enrolled, the coaches know it, the less they need to dangle (cuz they know they don't have to). Plan "B" maybe but definately not a plan "A".

PM me if you want more details. I have helped a lot of kids (and parents) understand this process. I went through it more than 20 years ago.