Step-children

[Leo Lakio]

Re: Step-children

i couldn't have imagined loving a child who was biologically mine more than i already loved D. --- i feel guilty--as if i'm another in a string of people who have abandoned him or at least have been transient in his life. --- it was really hard to get over that loss.

Cyn, you understand this at the deepest possible level; you opened up your heart and cared about D. because of the child that he was, not because of the circumstances of his parentage. It's understandable that you feel guilty - but at the same time, you did right. If you had stayed with the "dickwipe ex" just for the sake of D. ... well, bad relationships stay together "for the sake of the children" all the time, and it often leads to the children growing up in a very hostile and poisoning environment, and you never wanted to subject D. to that.

I don't know how much of what you feel is guilt, because you KNOW in your heart that you did right by D. for as long as you possibly could (and he may have been to young to realize it, but he appreciated it, because you gave him something he sorely needed.) You didn't abandon him - you were there as much as you could be.

Closely check out that guilt you feel; much of it may really be sorrow at losing connection with a child you truly love --- and maybe you haven't allowed yourself to mourn it fully yet, thinking D. lost so much more than you did, and you aren't entitled to feel the loss.

(I'm gettin' teary-eyed just thinking about it - I can only imagine how hard it is for you, even after the passage of time. Unhealed wounds, and all that.)

[Menehune Man]

Re: Step-children

How 'bout the opposite reaction from parents?

I was the "Golden Child" to my father while my step-brother (only in this explanation) was treated badly.
My brother is 12 years older than me and I idolized him. Know what I mean? He was cool... so that means that "My Dad's not cool!"

What a weird thing to grow up with, eh?!

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Re: Step-children

thankfully my step-parents came into my life when I became an adult. Further, I am grateful that my husband and I are raising an intact family.

That said, I am hurt most when I see a bio-parent abandon his/her children. Unfortunately, there are a few examples of this in my family. I am on the outs with these soulless idiots, but that doesn't matter to me. If I have to choose between the adults and the kids, I choose the kids every single time. Kids aren't empowered. Kids need hope for the future. Kids aren't passive-aggressive or malicious or completely selfish and motivated by new sex, among other things. I have a few stupid, selfish male relatives who have chosen their new (and seemingly juvenile) wives over their fantastic kids. I will never understand why they do that, and I know all too well that their decisions are the stuff of pure gut-rot.

The difference between them and me is that I sleep well at night.