Help me protect my girls' self esteem

[MyopicJoe]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

Kerri

Wow. I really admire the hard work and creativity you've put into raising your children. For lack of a better term, I think you and your husband are giving your children a great "liberal arts" childhood. It seems very natural, for your personality.

My wife and I discussed home schooling, but she decided it's not the thing for her. All parents need to be realistic about what they can and can't do. Use your natural strengths and talents when you can, and realize that it's ok if your children need to go outside of the home for role models in other areas.

Thanks for giving us a glimpse of how you raise your family. BTW, I am SO jealous of that pirate ship. Your kids are very adorable, all costumed up.


SusieMisajon

I think it takes confidence, snarkiness, hard knocks, AND being lolo to survive this crazy world

Speaking of looking into the mirror, ever noticed how your face changes as you move from side to side in front of your mirror? Isn't it ironic how we slave to groom a perfect face with an imperfect mirror?


Leo

I like your advice about listening to our children and letting them set the pace of their learning. As a parent, we're tempted to brain dump decades of experience into their little minds, but most of it wouldn't make any sense to them. You'd just end up teaching them how to ignore you.

It's so hard to shut up!


Lavagal

When our youngest first started school, she was rather overwhelmed. She would say things like, "I'll never get this right." Luckily the school signed her up for this PSAP therapy and it's helped her adjust to school life.

Yeah, I also catch myself running automatic programs when dealing with my kids, especially when tired. It takes a while to change old habits. This on the job training is tough!

Wow, a 16-minute timeout. It's been a while since we've had to use one of those, but I just know one day the girls are gonna want to test their boundaries. Must...be...strong...


turtlegirl

Wow, great video! Thanks for the link. That's the sort of stuff I'm looking for (though I'm happy with all these other unexpected insights from our fellow HT'ers).

Oh lordy, your mom couldn't recognize your own pictures after they were airbrushed? I suppose telling you congratulations, for getting in a photo shoot, would be a dubious honor


tutusue

Isn't that the curse of parenthood? You never feel you can take credit for your child's successes, but you always feel guilty for their failures.

Thanks for the glimpse of models behind the scenes. It must be a little depressing, to know you look more attractive in print, than in person.


Nords

I think martial arts and other physical activities give girls a sense that their bodies are valuable for more than just their looks. My eldest is currently a bit awkward and timid for martial arts, but she's really taken to artistic dance. My youngest is more of a club dancer and a feisty scrapper.


Pua'i Mana'o

I see what you're saying. As parents, we're supposed to give our children a taste of the world they will face, just toned down to fit their abilities.

I had a great sifu whose true sign of mastery was his ability to ratchet his skill to just one notch above the students. Over the course of a few weeks you could feel yourself making progress. You were actually able to man-handle sifu and believe "I AM THE MASTER NOW!" Of course the next day sifu would take it up a notch, humble you, and start the process all over again.


Kani

I'm glad you survived your childhood and your abusive relationships, Kani.

I want to answer your question (and the other one I sense between the lines), but it's been a hectic night. I wrote a few paragraphs, but they still need editing, and my brain is mush at the moment. I'll give it the attention it deserves after I'm more rested.

Take care, and God bless.

[Vanguard]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

Martial arts

I am a firm believer in kendo's ability to revitalize the spirit. Check it out while you're considering various activities.

[kani-lehua]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

myopicjoe: "looking for love in all the wrong places." that's what i did...life goes on.....as we know it or as we choose to live it.

e weli ho'i ia 'oe 'o pua'i mana'o: aia i ka uka 'iu 'ohi'a uliuli ka ua kanilehua la e. lehua'ula i kanahele lae. ku mai 'o maunaloa me kona hanohano me ka pa o kehau. "ku'u pu'uwai a me ke aloha e lalau a'e i ka ma'ama'ama me ka mehana o ke ao akea i ka mahie me ka uluwehiwehi." he pua mae 'ole 'ia e ka la a me ka lehua'ula ku makani. please feel free to correct the grammar.

na pua like'ole o hawai'i: hele malie, noho malie. lohe pono, lohe mai i ke a'o.
ho'okahi ko kaua noho pu'ana. e 'imi kakou ma ka mea e ho'okahi ai ka mana'o ana. the various people of hawaii: go slowly, be quiet. listen carefully, heed the teaching. let us live together. let us seek to unite our thoughts into one.

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

ʻaʻohe aʻu mea e hoʻoponopono ai! E uluāhewa e ka lehua ʻāpane ē!
ʻo au iho nō me ke kākoʻo

[cynsaligia]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

i can't offer any advice as a parent bcs..ahem...i'm not one. however, i can tell you about my experience as a daughter. my story's not so different from kani-lehua's. i'm a domestic abuse survivor and i would say that the biggest reason why i was more succeptible to buying my ex's crap is because my self-esteem wasn't as high as it should have been.

also like KL, my mom was central to my self-esteem (or lack thereof). i am built more like my dad's side of the family--a tendency to be under five feet tall, flat-nosed, and roly-poly in the belly if not careful. much of my childhood, i was overweight, partially bcs between mom, mama (my grandma), and school, i ate three meals, three snacks, and probably drank three cans of soda a day. mom was naturally skinny--even at 5'2," most of her life, she didn't weigh more than 95 lbs. she constantly harped on me to suck my stomach in. her nickname for me was "skinny," which i obviously wasn't.

mom was also hard on me, school-wise. i rarely got praise for my grades, which were often all A's except for one or two B's.

she rarely went to my extracurricular activities, too. in fact, when i was in high school, i think she went only to one of my choir performances, and i was in the select choir. to this day, she's only read one or two of my poems or stories (and i'm an english major who adores writing creatively).

we've patched things up, and have a relationship as good as can be expected. however, eric can provide testament as to how my mom can, with a half-second long disapproving glance, still reduce my thirty-something, fierce & damn hot self into wad of hanabata if how i look does not meet her standards.

let me not forget my absent father, who chose never to leave the philippines to help my mom raise me. it wasn't until liver disease almost killed him that he even started a petition to come to the US (by then i was 10 YO); he felt that coming to the US was "selling out" to the colonialists/imperialists. besides, it behooved him to have to start his career as an attorney all over again. unfortunately, he died the same year he started his petition.

i'm ultimately responsible for my adult choices, including staying in an abusive relationship. however, i do believe that if my parents had been more demonstrative in their unconditional love for me, i would have been statistically less likely to have suffered broken ribs and strangulation.

it pains me when i see younger cousins and nieces--in grade school--criticize themselves regarding weight and appearance. they're all beautiful and have their own special talents, but already the self-doubt is insinuating itself into their psyches--they're not good enough. boys generally don't have this problem as much, at least as far as i can tell. i wonder if it's because we generally raise our boys to be go-getters and conquerors while we regale our daughters with false promises about prince charming, who will come only if she waits patiently and prettily.

[lavagal]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

ʻaʻohe aʻu mea e hoʻoponopono ai! E uluāhewa e ka lehua ʻāpane ē!
ʻo au iho nō me ke kākoʻo

I'm sure this is politically incorrect of me, but, because I am not nor do I know Hawaiian, this tells me I am no longer included in this thread.

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

I'm sure this is politically incorrect of me, but, because I am not nor do I know Hawaiian, this tells me I am no longer included in this thread.

Gee Lavagal, only you can tell yourself if you are included in this thread, for nothing in my posts to K-L have/should render any other conclusion. As a person who has posted alongside you here for several years now, I am bummed at your reaction. Of all the times Hawaiian gets used (and sometimes abused) here, this little exchange was among the most benign, a simple honoring of strength, and actually wrapped up.

anyway, keep this handy: www.wehewehe.org and feel free to ask me wth I mean next time.

[MyopicJoe]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

Pua'i Mana'o

Congrats on getting your first born through high school! Lots of hard work and scary moments, I'm sure. Too bad parents never stop worrying about their children.


cynsaligia

I didn't realize how many survivors we have here on HT. I'm glad you left that abusive relationship behind and found yourself a good man (who's also an expert scooter driver).

Guys have their insecurities too. Maybe we hide it better? One thing most guys fear is that a woman wants to marry him not because she really loves him, but rather just wants anyone who can father a child, give her a white picket house, pay for expensive vacations, and looks good in a tux so she can have that perfect wedding she's always gushing about. Sometimes it feels women are more in love with the idea of being married, than the man himself.


kani-lehua

To answer your question:

Raising children is draining. Children take more than they give, but that's the way it should be. Sometimes a particular child will click with a parent (same personality, same interests, etc.). The parent will feel more recharged with that child, so they have more to give; but a loving parent will give all their children the love they need if: the parent has enough resources (emotional, financial, courage, role models, etc.) to do so. Some people can raise 6 children well. Some just 1. In my jaded opinion, I think the number is 0 for most (until they become stronger and healthier).

Often an abusive parent is frustrated with their own life and they unfairly blame a child. A child makes a great punching bag because they can't fight back. They'll put up with hell because children crave attention above all else.

Here's one scenario: A couple starts off very happily married and have two children they adore. Both parents become busy pulling in two incomes and spend less time with each other. The husband has an affair with a coworker and his wife is devestated. They decide to stay married, for the sake of the children, but the wife is haunted by the affair. They accidently have a third child. When the wife looks at her first two children, she remembers the wonderful days before the affair. She showers them with love and affection. When she looks at her youngest, she's reminded that her dreams of a perfect marriage are now ruined. She can't vent at her husband because he blames her with something like "you neglected me! it was your fault!", but a denfenseless child...

[Leo Lakio]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

I'm sure this is politically incorrect of me, but, because I am not nor do I know Hawaiian, this tells me I am no longer included in this thread.

Lavagal, I hope you don't generally feel this way; it sends a message similar to those who insist English should be the only language used in America - that use of Hawaiian is somehow improper or meant to shut others out. Based on many of your postings and writings, I know you don't subscribe to that philosophy.

I am not fluent in Hawaiian either, but am pleased to see it alive and well on several threads here (and on other boards that focus on topics of interest to those in Hawai`i - where else would it most belong?) Would you also feel that any men without daughters should feel that they are not included in this thread, and thus are not welcome to contribute?

I would hope that no one fluent in `olelo Hawai`i should hesitate to use that skill, out of a fear of making others feel excluded. That's a factor that can lead to the diminution of a language, which I am certain is not a wish of yours.

Guys have their insecurities too. Maybe we hide it better?

It is what we are taught - don't reveal your true feelings, because that is weakness and will be used against you, to a rival's advantage.

If I may again quote (I posted them before, about a year ago) a handful of lines from a song that has long resonated with me, "Race Of Fractions" by Canadian singer/songwriter Stephen Fearing ---

We teach our little girls submission
As the best way to survive
And the measurement of beauty
Becomes the ruler of their lives.

The little boys are marched away
And everything is fine
Till they fall hard upon the road
Their emotions far behind.

[Leo Lakio]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

double-posting - sorry.

[lavagal]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

Gee Lavagal, only you can tell yourself if you are included in this thread, for nothing in my posts to K-L have/should render any other conclusion. As a person who has posted alongside you here for several years now, I am bummed at your reaction. Of all the times Hawaiian gets used (and sometimes abused) here, this little exchange was among the most benign, a simple honoring of strength, and actually wrapped up.

anyway, keep this handy: www.wehewehe.org and feel free to ask me wth I mean next time.

Here's the deal, Pua'i, any way a quick-hit translation could be provided? I mean, I have no intention of demanding English only, but it just seems like the conversation is taken away from the rest of us when it continues in Hawaiian. I will keep the URL handy, and I'll ask, but I don't want to be in the pain in the butt going WAH? all the time. But then again, I'll probably start seeing some text with regularity and learn through HT. It's probably as close to Hawaiian immersion as I'll get. Thank you for being so gracious to this malahini, or should I say Mahalo?!

Thanks to Leo Lakio for responding, too.

Have a nice day everyone. I managed to get on theBus only to find that both my cellular and my iPhone are at home. In a few minutes I'll have to call home and tell DH. I also stepped into Young Street just as the traffic light turned red. I thought it was turning green. I was really spacing out. I'm no aging senior but I certainly could have been another statistic today. Maybe someone out there might want to hold me up to the light? I think my day will need some divine intervention!

[MyopicJoe]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

Leo

It is what we are taught - don't reveal your true feelings, because that is weakness and will be used against you, to a rival's advantage.

So true, especially with other men. We let down our guard around women, though.

Hey Leo, thanks for introducing me to Stephen Fearing. He's got a great voice and is an excellent live performer. I'm enjoying some of his music on YouTube.


lavagal

Phew, I'm glad you didn't hurt. I once bent over to pick up a coin off the curb when a bus flew by, inches from my head. That wouldn't have been much of a lucky penny!


I too felt a little left out from Pua'i and Kani's exchange. I figured they were giving each other much needed love and support. Speaking in Hawaiian gives it that extra sense of intimacy, and sometimes you can express certain things better in a given language. I guess it's motivation to learn Hawaiian

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

Here's the deal, Pua'i, any way a quick-hit translation could be provided? I mean, I have no intention of demanding English only, but it just seems like the conversation is taken away from the rest of us when it continues in Hawaiian. I will keep the URL handy, and I'll ask, but I don't want to be in the pain in the butt going WAH? all the time. But then again, I'll probably start seeing some text with regularity and learn through HT. It's probably as close to Hawaiian immersion as I'll get. Thank you for being so gracious to this malahini, or should I say Mahalo?!

Lavagal, I hear what you are saying. In this particular case, it was just an organic thing; to bare one's soul on the internet about such a painful topic. Now, this is the fun part of language; what is so poetic in Hawaiian could come off sounding like a botany exam in English.

For the lava is the first that raids the land and thus the new sapling on the beds are the 'ōhiʻa tree and the kupukupu fern, which everyone knows means to grow and hence we now have the beginnings of a forest which I expect you will identify with now as the strength within you. For you will grow and then leave and then branch and then thicken and then have fungus on your skin which in turns become fertile and hence fertility and so it goes on and on until you have a forest ē alā ē alā ē ā.

Wah at me with freedom, my friend. I believe in the language as a binder not a divider. I believe in its simple and impromptu usage. On this thread, it was spontaneous. I am sensitive enough to balance my need to use the fullness of my ability to express myself, be it in English, Hawaiian or pidgin, with the concern of being inclusive. With that, your point is taken. But, I do believe that constant exposure to language will create comfort with it in the long run. Again, ask me anything, whenever you want. I welcome it.

[Pua'i Mana'o]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

Cyn,

Extraordinary people are not culled from mundane circumstances. It is one of life's paradoxes. All the interesting people in my life (and I honestly include that lede in the mirror) have ptsd. The mature ones are those who do their best to wall it off from the public. Invariably, it expresses itself in one way or another, mostly messing with one's head when s/he is in his/her 30s-40s. No other way around it, I'm afraid (or resigned to believe).

Reconcile, get external, remember what time of day it is, and shake it off. Throw motherhood into the mix and wonder, honestly wonder, "what am I doing to these little loved ones of mine?" and that's a whole 'nother round of mirror-beating right there…

[lavagal]

Re: Help me protect my girls' self esteem

>>>snip!<<<
For the lava is the first that raids the land and thus the new sapling on the beds are the 'ōhiʻa tree and the kupukupu fern, which everyone knows means to grow and hence we now have the beginnings of a forest which I expect you will identify with now as the strength within you. For you will grow and then leave and then branch and then thicken and then have fungus on your skin which in turns become fertile and hence fertility and so it goes on and on until you have a forest ē alā ē alā ē ā.

Wah at me with freedom, my friend. I believe in the language as a binder not a divider. I believe in its simple and impromptu usage. On this thread, it was spontaneous. I am sensitive enough to balance my need to use the fullness of my ability to express myself, be it in English, Hawaiian or pidgin, with the concern of being inclusive. With that, your point is taken. But, I do believe that constant exposure to language will create comfort with it in the long run. Again, ask me anything, whenever you want. I welcome it.

Fluid, in English, more so, I'm sure, to hear in Hawaiian. I'm glad I whined! That was quite uplifting for me. I have a father-in-law who is a linguistics professor (retired) at UH, concentrated mostly on Oceania-based languages, and co-wrote a Micronesian dictionary. I am given toward appreciation of the Pacific languages as a result. Mahalo, Pua'i!