Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

[adrian]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

LMAO ROTFL LOL Owee, my stomach and head hurt from too much laughing, and I only went through 3 posts in this thread.

But I remembered that I already posted a local joke thread. Where is it?

[GypsyLika]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

1. Why did da Portagee take the scarf back to da store?
Ans: Was too tight.!

2. Why Portagees no can be Pharmacists?
Ans: They no can figure out how to get da bottle in
da typewriter.

3. Heard about da Portagee prisoner who was found in
his cell with half dozen bumps in his head?
He tried to hang himself with one bungee cord.!

4. How come Portagees no can get elevator jobs?
Ans: They don't know the route!

5. Heard about the Portagee lady who went shopping at
Ala Moana when da power went out?
..She was trapped for 3 hours..on da escalator!

6. Heard about the other Portagee lady who went get her
hair cut? The hair stylist hand her da mirror, "So how
you like it?"...."Its OK, but you can make 'em mo' long
in da back?"

7. Heard about da Portagee skydiver?
He had miss da earth.!

8. How many Portagees take to play "TAG?"
Ans: ONE.

9. Heard about da Portagee who had shoot da arrow
in da air?
He had miss.!!

10. Did you about da Portagee who never had learn how
to waterski?
He never could find one river with one slope.!

11. What you call a Portagee in one leather jacket?
Ans: "A Rebel without one clue."

12. How come da Portagee couldn't play "Bob for
apples?"
Ans: Because his sistah was using da toilet.!

13. Portagee: "I was born in Hawaii.!"
His Friend: "Oh really?..What part?"
Portagee: "MY WHOLE BODY! WHAT YOU THINK.!"

[Pomai]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

From a discussion in the Melting Pot section...

Ahh but if you work for Aloha, den you no stay Hawaiian!

So what is Hawaiian?

This inspired me to think, with all the racist issues surrounding not only Hawaii, but the WORLD, we should simply identify each other by employer and/or occupation:

"Hawaiian"
"Alohanese"
"Matsonese"

And if you moonlight, you're either
"Matwaiian" or "Matlohanese"

And if you're unemployed you're
"So'pua'nese"

Prisoner? "Halawaiian" or "O'Triplenese"

Student? "Iolaniian" or "Kaimukianese"

Police Officer? "HPDian"

Fire Fighter? "HFDianese"

And so on and so on.

That would truly break down all racial barriers, and then we can ALL finally live in peace and harmony.

[GypsyLika]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

Subject: Who says chicanos are mensos?

A Chicano named Rodriquez went to his doctor to determine the source of his sickness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Rodriquez in the eye and said," I've got some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it's very bad. You'd best put your affairs in order."

Rodriquez was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, Rodriquez said, "Well son, we Chicanos celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the bar and have a few beers." After 3 or 4 beers, the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Rodriquez's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Rodriquez told them that Chicanos celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

His son's eyebrows raised and he opened his mouth, but Rodriquez raised his finger and the frown on his face stifled what his son had planned to say. The friends gave Rodriquez their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Rodriquez's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

Rodriquez said, "I know mijo, but I don't want any of those pendejos sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

[Pomai]

Re: English to Filipino Vocabulary Lesson

True Story, courtesy of my GF's mom. She works with patients in a hospital setting and hears it all. (she's also the one who told me about "Sea Shore".. another true story!..

English to Filipino Vocabulary Lesson

SH#T
English: A multi-tasking derogatory slang (still) not approved by the FCC.
Filipino: "Cheat"
"Aiyee! My girl'prend he tell me.. my hoosh'bund.. she'sh#t on me!"

Translated: "Oh no! My girlfriend told me that my husband is cheating on me!"
*Gender bender: he is she and she is he in Filipino.

[GypsyLika]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

K~dis not one local joke. Moe like one Catholic joke. I was raised Catholic in Hawaii so to me its local-ish.


************************************************** *******
Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman
wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very
nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three
pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three
tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.

The third priest moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three
tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes.
And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates,
St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

*************************************************

[Pomai]

PIDGIN ENGLISH IM/Text Messaging Acronyms

Not sure if anyone did this before, but here's my take at

PIDGIN ENGLISH IM/Text Messaging Acronyms

ADN: Any Day Now"
WYS: Wheah' You stay?

AYSOS: Are You Stupid Or Something?
LL: Lolo

BRB: Be Right Back
TW: Try wait

IMHO: In My Humble Opinion
LB: Look brah! (followed by expletive opinion)

LOL: Laughing Out Loud
BL: Bus' Laugh!

ROTFL: Rolling On The Floor Laughing
HDSL: Ho' Da' Sore Laugh!
or
DMBL: Drop My Bee'ah (beer) Laugh!

ROTFLMAO: Rolling On The Floor Laughing My @ss Off
SFMOS: So Funny My Okole Sore!

SYS: See You Soon
NMS: No Make Strangah' (stranger)

TTG: Time to Go
SPL: Spock You Latah'

TTUL: Talk to You Later
KD: 'K 'Den (Okay then)

XOXO: Hugs and Kisses
HH: Honi Honi

ZZZ: Sleeping, Bored, Tired
TFC: Time Fo' Crash

I could see Da' Braddahs doing a skit on this!

Show Tunda learning how to use a laptop. Then an AIM message pops up and he asks Pocho, "Brah what 'dey trying fo' say?.. what is LOL?" Then Pocho explains, "That means Lauging Out Loud". So Tunda ends up making up his own IM vocabulary in Pidgin like the one above.

[Oahu Real Estate]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'Tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.



_______________________________________



The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:



Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."



Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."



RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"



G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."



RS: "Ow July den?"



G: "What??"



RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"



G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."



RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"



G: "Crisp will be fine."



RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"



G: "What?"



RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"



G: "I don't think so."



RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"



G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."



RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"



G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."



RS: "We bodder?"



G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."



RS: "Wad?"



G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."



RS: "Copy?"



G: "Excuse me?"



RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"



G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."



RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"



G: "Whatever you say."



RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."



G : "You're very welcome."

[MadAzza]

Re: Humorous Custom License Plates

I wonder if someone already registered B LOT? If not, I'm going down ...

Bwaaa ha ha ha haaa!

ha ha ha ha haaaaa!

<snort>

[Pomai]

Re: Humorous Custom License Plates

Bwaaa ha ha ha haaa!

ha ha ha ha haaaaa!

<snort>

Ha ha.. I get it.. that good ole' "B" word and "I'm going down" used in the same sentence....

bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha <snort snort> ha ha ha!

Speaking of license plates, another INOKEA spinoff: HE KEA and SHE KEA.

Or if you drive an exotic high performance sports car: S Y L. When someone asks what that means, you tell 'em, "SPOCK YOU LATAH".

[kimo55]

Re: Humorous Custom License Plates

Ha ha.. I get it.. that good ole' "B" word and "I'm going down" used in the same sentence....

dirteee mind pomai. veddy veddy bad, you!

[Pomai]

Re: Humorous Custom License Plates

This would be a clever one for a wahine's car: 2X HONI

Get it... "Honi Honi" or "Kiss Kiss".

Hell if I'm going to Satellite City Hall on a Friday though.

[LikaNui]

Re: Humorous Custom License Plates

Get it... "Honi Honi" or "Kiss Kiss".
Hell if I'm going to Satellite City Hall on a Friday though.

They're giving out kisses at Satellite City Halls? Free, or is there a fee for them?

[Pomai]

Re: Humorous Custom License Plates

They're giving out kisses at Satellite City Halls? Free, or is there a fee for them?

I believe they're called "Mufi's Chocolate Kisses" and "Satellite City Hall's Cough Drops". For a FEE of course.

[Pomai]

Vanity Plates Continued...

K.K. Get samoa...

AUTOMOBILE VANITY PLATES - LOCAL STYLE

In the "parked in the same garage" category:
Mom's Car: YAMADA Dad's Car:YAFADA
Hers: SAMOA His: NOMOA
Hers: I NEVA His: ME NEDA
Live Ewa Beach?
Hers: 4 EWA His: WEN EWA

More kisses!...
HONI X2 and if you REALLY like to kiss: HONI 70 (-1)
B... oh never mind.

Bank CEO? Real Estate Mogul? Buy a REALLY LOUD GREEN sports car with a plate:
MY KALA
Dual meaning: "my color" and "my $$$"

True story on that...
A while back, JN Auto's Luxury division on Nimitz Hwy. bought (the late) Malcolm Forbes custom painted Lamborghini Diablo. As Mr. Forbes stated that it was painted, "The color of money". A light Jade Green with a lustrous deep pearl. What a beauty it was!

Speaking of money, from the classics vault:
What do you call a RICH Filipino? "KALA BOOK"
RICH Korean? "KALA CRAYON" (Korean)

Have a fun and safe Saturday everyone!

Off to the beach.. ahui hou!