How do you cope?

[Kungpao]

Re: how do you cope?

Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement. I suppose, deep down, I felt that HT would be a place where I could talk without 'knowing' anyone and get stuff out that I have no one to talk to about. I go through spurts of being emotionally overwhelmed but thankfully I'm usually in the car for my hour long commute when that happens. My coping methods so far have been just keeping my mind full of other things weather it be all the new season openers of shows coming on or work, and even posting on my favorite forums.

Auntie, thank you for reminding me to pray. In all the turmoil, I can't believe I've forgotten.

As far as the dog: He was a stray that they picked up at the spca. When they first got him, he was dog agressive. That went away after he was neutered. He shows no interest in other dogs and no interest in cats either. He's all about his humans. If you let him out to do his business... he wants to come back in with you. Demands attention. Will push himself against your leg to get attention.

Things we've noticed about his past were that someone must've beaten him with a black tv cable wire. My wife picked up a coil of it one day and he hit the deck as if he'd done something wrong. If you raised your voice to him, he'd cower easily. He has this weird behavior of sucking on his blanket. We figure he was weaned away from his mother too early. And after the incident with me, I'm pretty convinced someone in his previous household (probably the man) used to beat other people. (probably his wife)

After his 2 bite incidences with my wife, totalling 6 stitches, we sought the advice of our veterenarian as well as the spca. Both suggested we hire a dog behaviorist/trainer. We took their advice and hired one. She's the one I mentioned in my original post. I feel we have done everything we could and not haphazardly rushed to bring him back to the SPCA. We love him and that's what makes it so difficult. Bottom line for us that we've made EVERYONE clear of is that we DO NOT want him put down.

[SusieMisajon]

Re: how do you cope?

Don't those kinds of dogs have a very strong character?

[Peshkwe]

Re: how do you cope?

KungPao lives in Pennsylvania.

Shoot, didn't think to look at the location.

Depending on where they're at in PA, there are some really nice hiking and walking trails as well as riding trails if they can ride a horse.

KungPao, other than checking into therapy, which might not be a bad idea for the immediate feelings of loss, try doing things that are totally out of the normal routine. Make time at the beginning of the week to plan weekend trips to local historical or cultural site and events. They don't have to be far away, just 'away' from what you do on a day to day basis and something that sparks your curiosity. The planning and then doing can help with the low spots as long as you do it together....it won't take it all away, only time can do that.

[1stwahine]

Re: how do you cope?

Auntie, thank you for reminding me to pray. In all the turmoil, I can't believe I've forgotten.

You didn't forget...

You've always had him in your heart.

In Christ,

Auntie Lynn

[SusieMisajon]

Re: how do you cope?

I'm not sure it's the dog. Let go the dog...and learn how to deal with when sad, bad, or ugly things happen in your lives, you and your wife. The miscarriage was sad, but there's worse. You two need to deal with how to continue in spite of it.

[tutusue]

Re: how do you cope?

I'm not sure it's the dog. Let go the dog...and learn how to deal with when sad, bad, or ugly things happen in your lives, you and your wife. The miscarriage was sad, but there's worse. You two need to deal with how to continue in spite of it.

Oh, Susie...you have such a way with...
...oh, never mind...

[Leo Lakio]

Re: how do you cope?

KP, I know you'll understand this (based on pm's you and I shared several months back), but have you been playing that lovely `ukulele you picked up a while back?

Music has healing powers, you know.

Beyond that, I can't really give any advice beyond what the fine folks who've already posted have said, except to remember that there will come a future day when this will all be in the rear-view mirror. Keep looking forward to that day, and know that your troubled times are transitional.

Malama pono...

[SusieMisajon]

Re: how do you cope?

Oh, Susie...you have such a way with...
...oh, never mind...

I know. But this is so sad. And I don't mean about the dog.

[1stwahine]

Re: how do you cope?

I know. But this is so sad. And I don't mean about the dog.

Enough! Susie. Please.

Auntie Lynn

[SusieMisajon]

Re: how do you cope?

It's gone midnight, and I am sure that it's gone past my bedtime. Nite all.

[Peshkwe]

Re: how do you cope?

KP, I know you'll understand this (based on pm's you and I shared several months back), but have you been playing that lovely `ukulele you picked up a while back?

Music has healing powers, you know.

Beyond that, I can't really give any advice beyond what the fine folks who've already posted have said, except to remember that there will come a future day when this will all be in the rear-view mirror. Keep looking forward to that day, and know that your troubled times are transitional.

Malama pono...

There ya go!

Kungpao, does your wife play anything? Would she like to learn? Does she write, does she sing?

Maybe there is something you could do together that's soothing to the soul like music...go to a local pow wow and listen to the heart beat of the drum. Check out the local blues and jazz doings.

Talk and interact with other musicians of all walks. Listen, learn and bring it into your own style.

[Karen]

Re: how do you cope?

I am soo sorry to hear of y'all's chain of events.

I get alone and sit quietly, and if it's at bedtime then that works and instead of lieing there and thinking incessantly, I do a type of meditation that is so simple and unimpressive (except in results) that it doesn't deserve to be called meditation and yet it is.

As for sitting, I'll get in my favorite wing-backed chair cuz it's not so comfy like the sofa and I won't get sleepy in it, close my eyes and notice my thoughts. They are where most of our problems lie, and thrive. I then choose to focus on my hands, not analyzing them but just noticing they exist and then once I do that, I notice the hands are alive, they have warmth and a subtle tingle.

Noticing them then I am no longer lost in my thought-stream. I then am becoming what some philosophies call "centered." (can't recall whom, just know I've heard/noticed some using that term) Sure enough my worrying thoughts start again, but I choose to notice my hands and as I do I am then "feeling" the hands and not having a thought in words, I slowly cease worrying, planning, hearing what someone said about such-and-such, and I slowly get a peace unlike any other I've ever known. SILENCE~! silence can be golden and the silence of the mind surely is the closest thing to God if there really is one, in my opinion, of course.

When I fail to do this mental exercise? meditation? not taking the time for it, for myself, I then find myself more lost in thought instead of seeing my thoughts but not being lost in them,consumed with any worry if there is something major going on in my life at that time.

When I do sit and meditate like this, and do it before bed while I lie there.....I have a clarity of mind and/or excellent sleep. I hope you'll try it, cuz I've coped with as much hurt, anger, and stresses as anyone here, I am betting, and this is how I have coped and continued to have a very good life.

huggz, sincerely~

[Da Rolling Eye]

Re: how do you cope?

Sorry for your loss, KP.

I understand what's going on as we lost twin girls the year before our Mel was born. Both were live birthed and died in our hands.

We also had a dog, raised from a pup, and an adopted sheltie off the street. The sheltie didn't last long and got rid of her. To many problems, but our original dog was such a great help during the hard times. May I suggest either adopting or buying a puppy. Something with no baggage, so to speak. You really don't need anymore stress than what y'all are going through already. Basically, you'd be useless to the dog or to each other if both of you are not "whole".

During that following year, we attended a bunch of grief counseling groups which helped us to understand the what and why's of our behavior during that time. Mine was lightning quick, brief but intense anger. No logic, no reason. Down right spooky. Cry at the drop of a hat and glaring and cussing at someone the next moment. Worse than your dog, ah? Anyway, the combination of the counseling and just plain'ol talking with the wife, and lots of hugs, really helped us to cope with the grief.

It's been 8 years already. Mel is now 7. We still have bouts of sadness and thoughts of the what ifs with the girls are never out of our minds or hearts. It never goes away. Just eases with time.

[lavagal]

Re: how do you cope?

I, too, have suffered multiple miscarriages. I think of them as angels. It is difficult to think about those times. A woman can feel incomplete, inadequate and unworthy when the heartbeat ceases inside you. Maybe other women know what it "feels" like when a child dies inside, but I do not. I never knew. I always thought I was fine, that baby was fine. Then when the ultrasound begins, the tech excuses herself and back comes the doctor, you get the picture about the third time.

After all that, I went through a couple of years of infertility treatments, felt I LOOKED pregnant the entire time, and was scheduled for invitro. I didn't have to go as my first was conceived a month prior to my appointment. For my second child, I used the Clear Plan Fertility Monitor and was able to conceive after two months. I now have two beautiful little girls, but I know I am the mother of five.

The loss of a child, whether they die in the wound, at birth, as a toddler or years down the road--cannot be an easy thing for a parent to endure. I dare say it is one of the worst things anyone can experience. But what can you do? The next day the sun rises, birds sing, the cat brings home the bottom half of a lizard, and you have to make the coffee, brush your teeth, look yourself in the eye and somehow blend in with your society. There aren't many people you can tell, although some would be happy to comfort you. And no one can say the right thing, because "It was probably for the best" is never appropriate. Saying "I'm sorry" is about the best one can do.

I'm sorry, KP. Hugs to you, your wife, and your angel.

[Beau]

Re: how do you cope?

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Kungpao...

First a child, then a beloved pet. In the past when a string of devastating things happened to me, I relied on good trusted friends, confiding to my parents, and even seeing a therapist for help.

I echo what tutusue said about enlisting the services of a competent therapist. (Not all therapist are good, or as effective as others, just like any other profession) Many times I have found the traditional oriental culture looks down on seeking that kind of help, because it means your weak. But I think that's complete B.S. and have no qualms whatsoever about seeing a therapist for help. I have done that in the past, and having found a really good therapist that has saved my sanity and given me peace of mind.

Wishing you and your wife better times ahead, and I'll keep you guys in my prayers tonight.