Local Jokes

[Serenity]

Re: Local Jokes

hay, Krash Kolohe ,
I like your signature on the bottom,
is that anything like....
me, knowing bob,
that rides a kayak,
& can't seem to spell it right?.
didn't know wether to
spell it backwards or forward.

[kimo55]

Re: Local Jokes

Two guys are moving about in da new biiiig keeeee-aumoku st. Walmart when their carts collide. One says to
the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a firm ass.

What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours."

[kimo55]

Re: Local Jokes

Aunty Quinkah's old dog was not breathin' one morning so she quickly rushed him to da filopino vet down Lihue side. "...what is the $100 charge for?" Aunty demands.

"..oh dat...yeah...das for daaah cat scan" he replies.

hohaaa!
da bestest!

[kimo55]

Re: Local Jokes

so, okay, dis local bruddah takes da bus from haleiwa to King st. to da termite palace for his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters' box, takes a few swings and then
hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run"!
The next batter hits a single. Da bruddah listened as the crowd again
cheered "RUN, RUN"!! bruddah enjoying the game begins screaming with the fans.
The third batter came up and four balls went by. The Umpire called "Walk."
The batter started his slow trot to first base.
Da bruddah stood up and screamed, "Rrrrun ya lazy bum, rrrun!" The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the blalah sat back down. A helpful fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run -- he's
got four balls."
da bruddah stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, muh man!"

[kimo55]

Re: Local Jokes

A Parker ranch hand paniolo goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie
farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the
Paniolo
says, "Oh! We have sugar cane fields that are at least twice as large." Then they
walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The paniolo immediately says, "We have longhorns and other cattle on da big island that are at least twice as
large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the
paniolo sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field in the distance.
Amazed,
he asks, "What the hell are those?!" The Aussie replies with an incredulous
look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Hawaii?"

[craigwatanabe]

Re: Local Jokes

You Know You From Hawaii If...

1. you buy large quantities of toilet paper in case there’s a longshoreman strike...
2. You don’t understand why anyone would buy less than a 20 lb bag of rice...
3. you would serve spam as a meat for dinner...
4. you can taste the difference between teriyaki and kal-bi
5. you know what a plumeria is and which color would die first: yellow,white or red...
6. you know why there’s shoes and slippers outside of front doors...
7. you know why there are alphabets on trees or any posts on graduation day you know why there are alphabets on trees or any posts on graduation day
8. you know what lei day is...
9. you know what is the "stink eye"; and how to give it...
10. you know what nationality girl would put tape on her eyelids and why...
11. you can correctly pronouce kalanianaole, kalakaua and aiea
12. you know what is in the big breakfast at mcdonald’s
13. you know what a "huli huli chicken" is...
14. you can name 3 varieties of mangos...
15. you have at least one family member whose name is "_____ boy; or "tita"...
16. you have said "wat, owe you money?,"; "karang your alas"; or "da kine"...
17. you know the difference between being hapa and being hapai
18. you give directions using mauka and makai...
19. you know what is "hawaii pono’i"...
20. you know what it takes to get into kamehameha school...
21. You know how to correctly pronounce "Likelike"...
22. Someone says the word "UKU" and your head starts itching. eeww...
23. You raise your chin to say "wassup" instead of nodding. (like one haole)...
24. When making "Shaka" the back of your hand is facing out.
25. You say, "Nori" not seaweed paper...
26. You say "Brah" not "Bro"...
27. You despise the movie "North Shore"...
28. You know why Sharks Cove is called Sharks Cove...
29. When your jokes are ‘bout Portugese not Polish...
30. You laugh at couples with cheesy Aloha attire...
31. If you get one pair of "tata" slippers...
32. When you e-mail mail people in pidgin...
33. You know what is "Morgan’s Corner". (And it still scares you!)
34. If you’re immune to "leptospirosis".
35. When it’s 70 degrees and it’s freezing to you.
36. You use "tako" instead of worms or fluorescent pink fish eggs for bait..
37. You got lickins’ with "da rubbah slippah"...
38. If you can walk through Waianae and not get mobbed...
39. You know that "Kukui nut" is not some mental person...
40. You’ve given Kahi Mohala’s number out to a guy/girl you didn’t like...
41. You call it "saimin" not "Top Ramen"...
42. The surf report is on your speed dial...
43. Your local kids wear slippers and shorts in November in Michigan!
(inside the house, of course!)...
44. "Dressing up" means shorts and a aloha shirt.
45. You say "shave ice", not snow cone or shaved ice...
46. Rainbow Drive-Inn is a special date.
47. You go Kam, not Aloha, swap meet.
48. You know pineapples don’t grow in trees.
49. When you hear the words fund raiser, you know it means Zippy's Chili
50. Your mouth waters when you hear the words li-hing mui.

cockaroached from e hawaii

Link hear for more http://www.e-hawaii.com/fun/jokes/toc.htm

My wife submitted one to the Advertiser: You can tell you're local is when you can understand everything Larry Price says.

[kimo55]

Re: Local Jokes

My wife submitted one to the Advertiser: You can tell you're local is when you can understand everything Larry Price says.

49. When you hear the words fund raiser, you know it means Zippy's Chili

When you hear the words fund raiser, you remember Kings Hawaiian sweet bread.
....least that was fundraisah back in da early 70's...

[adrian]

Re: Local Jokes

Not local, but I had to post it somewhere.

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened,and the man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

[adrian]

Re: Local Jokes

A haole woman was taking a walk one day when she happened upon two Portuguese men. One of them was digging a ditch with a shovel and the other was doing all kinds of magnificent acrobatic back flips and somersaults.

The woman walked up to the man who was digging and said "Your friend is very talented! Do you think he might agree to perform next Saturday at our church bazaar for charity?"

The man said "I'll ask him."

Turning to the other man, he yelled "Waltah! The lady like know if you could stand one more crack in the alas with the shovel!"

[1stwahine]

Re: Local Jokes

Aloha All, Being disabled gives me the freedom to go on my computer anytime. But it's not all fun and games. Theres pain,forgetfullness and bouts of pupule episodes. The Local Jokes posted here are funny. The ones I've posted below is funny too...universal yet, very LOCAL too! Enjoy!

Simple Math

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Now, I'm a widow,aunt and maybe next!hahahaha!

[adrian]

Re: Local Jokes

A friend of mine who is a devout Christian was telling me about a wonderful religious experience that she had while on a fly-drive holiday in Hawaii last week:
She went to the local Christian book store where she saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. She was feeling particularly sassy that day because she had just come from a thrilling choir performance at church, so she bought the bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of her hire car. She was really glad that she did. What an uplifting experience followed . . . she was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and did not notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus or she may have never noticed that the light had changed. She found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind her started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go! . . .Go! Jesus Christ! Go!" Everyone was honking. She leaned out of her window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and even honked her horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a DJ from Florida in the queue behind her because she could hear him yelling something about a funking beach. She saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When she asked her teenage son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, she had never met a person from Hawaii, so she leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Her son burst into laughter, why, even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards her. She imagined they wanted to pray or ask what church she attended but that is when she noticed that the light had changed so she waved one more time to her loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection. She was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again and she felt kind of sad that she had to leave them and all that love that they had shared so she slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as she drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[Got2HaVKaYaNoW]

Re: Local Jokes

You Know You From Hawaii If...

1. you buy large quantities of toilet paper in case there’s a longshoreman strike...
2. You don’t understand why anyone would buy less than a 20 lb bag of rice...
3. you would serve spam as a meat for dinner...
4. you can taste the difference between teriyaki and kal-bi
5. you know what a plumeria is and which color would die first: yellow,white or red...
6. you know why there’s shoes and slippers outside of front doors...
7. you know why there are alphabets on trees or any posts on graduation day you know why there are alphabets on trees or any posts on graduation day
8. you know what lei day is...
9. you know what is the "stink eye"; and how to give it...
10. you know what nationality girl would put tape on her eyelids and why...
11. you can correctly pronouce kalanianaole, kalakaua and aiea
12. you know what is in the big breakfast at mcdonald’s
13. you know what a "huli huli chicken" is...
14. you can name 3 varieties of mangos...
15. you have at least one family member whose name is "_____ boy; or "tita"...
16. you have said "wat, owe you money?,"; "karang your alas"; or "da kine"...
17. you know the difference between being hapa and being hapai
http://www.e-hawaii.com/fun/jokes/toc.htm

MAHALO NUI!!! for the above post, I'm at work rolling in tears cuz was sooooo funny!!! Needed a laugh!!

I was trying Not foa Busss-laugh, my boss stay wandering why my DMV processing is sooo entertaining cuz I stay laughing soo much!!

[Kory K]

Re: Local Jokes

Don't read if you goin be offended!

Why is Balut like Bilot?


cause easy fo eat when the chick is younger!!!

[nachodaddy]

Re: Local Jokes

LMAO

Ryan in 3, 2, 1..........................

[Got2HaVKaYaNoW]

Re: Local Jokes

Did you hear about the Samoan man who got a ticket for parking his '89 Lincoln in a Compact Parking stall?

The officer said, "Do you know you are parked in a Compact Stall?"

And the samoan said, " Yea, dss why I pak dea ~ I gunna Ko an kumm pac. (Go and Come Back)