My mom passed away, and I need some advice

[Vanguard]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

I'm so sorry to hear this news, MJ.

I had a good experience with Diamond Head Mortuary years ago.

[1stwahine]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

MJ,

My condolences to you and your Ohana.

(((Hugs)))

Auntie Lynn

[MyopicJoe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

I haven't been very active on HT lately, but I knew there was a reason why I never totally left. Thank you everyone for taking the time to write something. Your kindness is a big help. It keeps me from feeling like I'm facing this tragedy on my own. Much love and appreciation to you all. :_)

Thank you all for sharing a bit of your life story. Our society doesn't "talk" much about this kind of loss. You end up feeling more alone. Your stories have helped me, and are much appreciated. I think I'll look for writing by children who have loss their grandparent, for my own girls to read.

Oh man MJ my hearfelt condolences go out to you, my dad just passed away this past August 29th, one day before his 93rd birthday so I do understand the significance of the day she passed away.

Wow, thanks for the quick and lengthy reply. My condolences for your loss, also. I read through your entire blog, and I think it's a beautiful thing. It showed how much you loved your father, and it documented other people's love. I'm glad you did it. Not only did it help you, it helped me, and I'm sure it'll continue to help others.

they will try their best to remove all of your mother's ashes but there will be some mixing of ashes (albeit very small) from previous cremations. It's a given and cannot be avoided.

I'm totally cool with that. It's just my dad heard horror stories about multiple strangers being cremated together. Probably one of those urban legends.

I kept a blogsite to write down my thoughts and activities as he endured his last days and weeks at Hilo Medical Center.

What a great blog; I read the whole thing! I'm glad you took pictures and video (it was done well). I was debating doing the same thing too, but I didn't. I guess I felt she wouldn't have wanted me to, and that my family wouldn't want to remember seeing her that way. Of course, some might have found it helpful (if not now, perhaps later in life). Oh well, what's done is done (or not done in this case). That's life.

When I listened to you speaking in the first video, I could have sworn I heard my own voice! It took me a while to hear the differences in our voices. It'll be interesting to meet you some day :_)

Lots to digest at this point. I'm going thru this legal paperwork right now and am slowly understanding and getting thru this mess. I can help you thru my experiences. Let me know and please read my blogsite.

Yeah, I'm not looking forward to tackling it, but at least I can deal with most of it one at a time. My dad really appreciates me handling it, so he can grieve. Thanks for your offer to help, I might have to ask for some advice. This legal stuff can be overwhelming!

Don't let the grieving stage be taken for granted, it can catch later up and kick your ass. Mine wasn't totally about my mom as much as missing friends from the old days, etc., just be aware.

Good point, Ron. I appreciate your warning. I'll work on making sure I give myself a bit of time and space, and brace myself for a little breakdown.

My condolences for losing your mom :_(

Again, my condolences, MJ. You have lotsa cyber-shoulders here on HT. Don't hesitate, 'kay?

Big hugs to you, Sue. People on HT are proving to be blessings. Thank you for all the referrals. There's so many people and places to choose from; it gets overwhelming. I'm not sure what kind of bereavement support I'm looking for, because I don't know what's available. It's good to know there's a group treatment available.

My father-in-law died on 10/16 so we are going through the same thing.

...

I've been crying for about an hour on and off. We had cocktails in the hot
tub, Dad's favorite place here when he would visit and my husband is making a compilation of songs for a CD just like he did when my dad left us in 2004.
I am having such a hard time but a good one between the tears of the past
30 years of knowing my Dad (in-law). We said everything we needed to last
month and holding hands in one of his darkest hours when he told me many
times "I always loved you all these years" made me I don't want to divulge
all the details of some of our last moments but I have to say I'll miss my
Dad and couldn't have had a better "adopted" Dad.

My heart goes out to you and your family, you are not alone. "Leash"

I'm saddened by your loss, but it makes me happy to see how much you loved your father-in-law and that you were able to show him your love. Thanks to you, and everyone else, for helping me feel not alone. Best wishes to you and your family as you work through your grief, and thank you for sharing the details of your life.

Checking out AARP is a good idea. Thanks!

Don't worry at this time about solicitors, instead think about your own heart.

I can now see why people only include their immediate family; though well wishes are much appreciated, it can be very tiring dealing with people. I've been telling my dad it's ok for him to be "selfish" at this time. Thanks to you for confirm this, Barry.

So watch your kids and work with them through how they deal with their grief, each will deal in their own way. And each way is ok, there's no wrong way to be sad.

Wow, thank you for sharing with us what your daughters went through. It'll help me keep an eye out on my daughters.

It must be heart wrenching, watching your children struggle with their grief. My dad can't stand seeing the girls sad, and will try to tell them "don't be sad". I'll need to tell them that it's ok to feel sad, but perhaps not around grandpa.

know that you're in our thoughts and prayers.

Your thoughtfulness and caring is much appreciated, Lika.

MyopicJoe: I am so so sorry for your loss. You can check the standing of any lawyer licensed in Hawaii with the Bar Association.

Thank you for the kind words, Adri. The legal websites are much appreciated too. It's helping me feel less overwhelmed by the choices I'll have to make. *deep breath*

I've had three close friends/relatives use Ultimate Cremations.

Thanks for the referral. The social worker at the hospital also recommended them. Their name is a little off putting, but I'm sure they're professional :_)

Glad to see all the great responses here.

Yes, there's a lot of caring, good hearted people here (even though we get on each others nerves from time to time, but that's what families do). Thank you for your empathy.

I had a good experience with Diamond Head Mortuary years ago.

Sorry to hear you needed their services, but I'm glad it was a good experience. Thank you for taking the time to share, Vanguard.

My condolences to you and your Ohana.

Thank you, Auntie! *hugs*



Wow, your responses have been heart warming. I hope I didn't miss anyone. If I did, I'll try to catch you in the next post. I'll keep you all informed as how we're doing, as time and energy permits.

Thanks for sharing our stories; hearing them helps. Feel free to share your story or comment on each other's stories. I won't consider it hijacking. This thread should be for all of us.

Much love and thanks to you all :_D

[SusieMisajon]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

Responding to death is done far too quickly in today's world. I'm for the old idea of wearing black for a full year.

[Peshkwe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

Wow, thank you for sharing with us what your daughters went through. It'll help me keep an eye out on my daughters.

It must be heart wrenching, watching your children struggle with their grief. My dad can't stand seeing the girls sad, and will try to tell them "don't be sad". I'll need to tell them that it's ok to feel sad, but perhaps not around grandpa.

Why don't you have a talk with your Dad? Tell him it's ok to let the girls know he's sad and that it's ok for them to be sad too. That together they can help each other deal with their sadness and that eventually it'll not be so sad.

It'll help your daughters know that even grown-ups get sad and that they really did love the person who's gone. I found my youngest (who was 9 at the time) didn't quite understand why I didn't cry like her and her sister did....I didn't want to freak them out too badly but it left her with the question in her head that the reason I didn't cry was because I didn't love my Mom as much as they did.

I told them that it was because I had lots of happy memories and stories that made it easier to not be so sad.

The girls don't have a wealth of stories and memories to comfort them like you and your Dad do. See if maybe Grandpa can tell his memories about Grandma to the girls to help them...might end up helping him too.

[cynsaligia]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

MP, my heart aches for you and your family. i'm very sorry you have lost your mother. i can't imagine the pain you must feel.

i'll give a detailed answer for one of your questions: looking into getting a malpractice attorney:

(disclaimer: i currently work healthcare risk management--the department at a hospital that, among other things, works with attorneys on defense against med mal claims. but for years before that, i worked for med mal plaintiff attorneys, so i would say i know more than most on this subject without being an attorney.)

before you seek an attorney, i would suggest you and your family talk to the hospital. the vast majority of med mal claims are based in bad communication between the hospital staff and the family/loved ones, not necessarily actual negligence or malpractice. having been on both sides of the line, i have to say it's very rare that a lawsuit brings about the outcome plaintiffs seek--large monetary reward (remember that 1/3 to 1/4 of it goes straight to the attorney, and that doesn't count court fees, and costs like copying. i've seen a $300,000 settlement get whittled down to a check given to the client of only about $50,000 after attorney fees, expert fees, copy cost, court costs etc.) or closure. when i say closure, i've seen families lament that they almost wish they didn't file a suit bcs once it's gone through the several years-long process, it's like their lives sat in a certain stage of anger/grief/pain for years that maybe they thought wasn't worth it in the end.

you may find that after talking to someone at the hospital, you can understand better what happened with your mom. hospitals are now embracing an attitude where admitting where they went wrong is encouraged, as it often helps patients/families cope. it also helps hospitals learn what it can do better.

i would call the hospital, tell them you want to make a complaint, and ask to speak with someone in administration. it's okay if the person you talk to is only an assistant at first. hospitals are watched by accrediting agencies and governmental regulatory agencies as to how they deal with complaints, investigate them, and get back to the complainant, so it's very unlikely your complaint will get put down a black hole. regardless, if the person who documents your complaint doesn't offer his/her name or direct number, ask for it so you have someone you can directly call to follow up.

give the hospital at least 24 hours to get back to you, because they'll want to review your mom's chart before calling you back so that they have at least a modicum of familiarity on it. depending on what your concern is, the person who will actually address your complaint could be the nurse manager from the floor your mom was on, or the director/chief of nursing, or an attending physician or physician chief or the administrator. you might have your answers when a clinician sits with you to go through your mom's medical records and explain to you what happened. you might be helped by a more formal meeting.

if it still feels to you like malpractice, rick fried is one option. one thing i'll say--he's dogged (tho i'll also say sometimes his motives are more personal for himself than for his clients). i can tell you who i wouldn't go with but i'd rather do that in a PM. also, most, if not all, med mal attorneys work on contingency basis. as one of my biz law instructors--himself a med mal plaintiff attorney, admitted--one of the factors a plaintiff attorney looks at when considering to take a case is not only whether they'll win, but how much $$ they'll win, given the amount of time/labor will need to be invested to win the case or get a settlement.

someone has two years after the date they should have known about the an injury to pursue a med mal claim in the state of hawaii. before a med mal case goes thru the court process, it has to go thru what's called the medical claims conciliation panel (MCCP)--a panel of two attorneys and a doctor or two doctors and an attorney--who review the medical record and take statements from both plaintiff and defendant. after their review, they render a statement as to whether they believe care was or was not negligent. once the panel gives its decision, there is a time limit as to when a plaintiff can then file in court. the whole court process after the MCCP can take years depending on the complexity of the case.

i'm not trying to discourage you from filing suit, if that is what you and your family feel you must do (and it has to be the next of kin or executor who sues, by the way. it can't be like a cousin of your mom if your dad and you are still alive unless she named that person her executor). but if the only reason a lawsuit is filed is to gain some sort of revenge, be forewarned that med mal cases are a long and painful process. if negligence is what happened, then yes, you and your family should explore litigation, no doubt.

no one can take away the pain of losing a parent. i lost my dad when i was ten in a drunk driving accident and every time i hear someone has lost a parent, i feel a fresh stab in my heart--both for myself and other person.

i'm very sorry you are going through this right now. i hope that you are able to find solace in the memory of the love between your mom and you, as well as the love of the people who surround you now. *hugs*

[tutusue]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

Great info, cyn. Thank you so much for taking the time to post it.

[cynsaligia]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

thanks, tutusue.

there are times where socio-econo-political-ethnic-religious concerns need to be tossed out the window and it behooves us to offer help and insight to our neighbors in the small chance it can be useful to them.

[tutusue]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

Don't think it's a "small chance", cyn. Your info could easily be useful to anyone who reads it. You were very generous with your knowledge and time.

[MyopicJoe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

Responding to death is done far too quickly in today's world. I'm for the old idea of wearing black for a full year.

In some ways, you need to wear black for the rest of your life. Though the intensity and frequency of your sadness may diminish, it never leaves, and it can flare up at any time.

I found my youngest (who was 9 at the time) didn't quite understand why I didn't cry like her and her sister did....I didn't want to freak them out too badly but it left her with the question in her head that the reason I didn't cry was because I didn't love my Mom as much as they did.

My youngest also had the same confusion. Out of nowhere she said she was surprised grandpa wasn't grouchy yet (we had told her grouchiness might be one expression of his sadness). We tried to explain that grandpa wasn't raised to show negative emotions, and that seeing his grandchildren does cheer him up. I hope that was something she could understand.

i'll give a detailed answer for one of your questions: looking into getting a malpractice attorney:

Thank you SO MUCH for writing this. It's actually very comforting to read, because it's so well thought out and clearly written. It removes a lot of uncertainty about the process, and prepares me for what to expect, if my dad decides to go forward. Thank you for this gift, Cyn.

I've been thinking about it, and I don't think money is his primary motive. It's mostly anger about having control taken away from him in a deceptive manner. Unfortunately for the hospital, my dad fixes medical equipment and he noticed they failed to do something (whether by accident or some policy we weren't informed about) that possibly led to her brain death. My dad's medical experience is also unfortunate for him, because he's denied a "clean" death for my mom. This thing will nag and gnaw at him.

One question. If the lawyer decides to take on the case, I assume you have to sign a contract which says you won't back out of the lawsuit in the middle of the process? Or if you do you pay all attorney fees?

no one can take away the pain of losing a parent. i lost my dad when i was ten in a drunk driving accident and every time i hear someone has lost a parent, i feel a fresh stab in my heart--both for myself and other person.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Cyn :_( I can only guess at how devastating that was to you, how it could have shattered your sense of security.

[Peshkwe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

MJ...tell your youngest the truth. Grown-ups put on a strong front so the little ones they love feel safe.

[MyopicJoe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

I was about to call a mortuary, to arrange a simple direct cremation for my mom (we would hold her remains until we decided on if/when we'd have a service for her). My dad tentatively agreed with this a few days earlier, but this morning he called, saying we should have service / viewing before the cremation. When I pressed him for details of exactly what he wanted, he said he'd ask one of my mom's closest friend what to do. It feels like he's trying to please other people.

My dad doesn't have the energy to organize a service. I don't have the energy for it. My dad wants me to write and say a speech for him. He wants me to tell people not to be sad. I think that's bullsh*t, that it's actually a bad thing to tell people not to be sad, but he's a person who can't stand seeing other people sad.

It seems most eulogies talk about a person's great accomplishments. On the surface, my mom's accomplishments aren't great. She's "just a housewife". But her accomplishments are great when you consider how much she's suffered, from the day she was born to the day she died. My mom has told me things about her life that my dad doesn't know I know. Things he's tried to hide from me. If he expects me to give a speech, at least now, it's gonna be raw and the truth (as far as I understand it). I can't lie by painting a rosy picture. My mom deserves the truth.

I'll have to have a frank discussion with my dad, when he calls me back. The best I can do for him right now is to stay silent at the service.

[MyopicJoe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

MJ...tell your youngest the truth. Grown-ups put on a strong front so the little ones they love feel safe.

Well put. I think I'll have another small talk with the girls, when they get home from school.

[Ron Whitfield]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

I lost my dad when i was ten in a drunk driving accident and every time i hear someone has lost a parent, i feel a fresh stab in my heart--both for myself and other person.

That's a serious drag. No kid should lose a parent.
I never knew my father and was always glad I didn't have memories of someone that wasn't there.

MJ...tell your youngest the truth. Grown-ups put on a strong front so the little ones they love feel safe.

The truth is always best, if put to them in manners that don't make it worse. Too much explaning can have negative results. Kids are able to handle more than we think, and the facts help them figure it out.

[Peshkwe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

Well put. I think I'll have another small talk with the girls, when they get home from school.

Let them know too, that sometimes pretending to be brave turns in to being brave for real.