My mom passed away, and I need some advice

[Peshkwe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

The truth is always best, if put to them in manners that don't make it worse. Too much explaning can have negative results. Kids are able to handle more than we think, and the facts help them figure it out.

If you watch the kid as you speak and really listen to them, they'll let you know exactly how much they can deal with at the moment. At that point you stop, if they want more after they've digested the information you've already given them...they'll be back for more.

[MyopicJoe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

Oh yeah. The horror story my dad heard about multiple bodies being cremated together: It didn't happen in Hawaii, but rather California. It also happened around 10 years ago.

I never knew my father and was always glad I didn't have memories of someone that wasn't there.

That sucks, Ron. Sorry to hear. Did you have any strong male role models in your life, or are you mostly a self made man?

[Ron Whitfield]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

That sucks, Ron. Sorry to hear. Did you have any strong male role models in your life, or are you mostly a self made man?

Thanx for the concern, MJ, but I meant it was actually a blessing. No face or love once known to be missed, right? Mom was all I needed, or wanted. I was actually quite lucky in this. But she thot I needed a male role model and set me up with the Big Brothers organization which lead to a wonderful decades long relationship with a guy (who incredibly went to my High School decades earlier, with my mom!) that had his parents living nearby and they simply swooned over me, which I'd always longed for, not having grandparents alive of my own. Plus they had a garage shop where the dad worked and taught me stuff, and the mom had a garden with blackberrys which was Heaven to me. She made me pies til I turned into one. My BB took me to all the pro & college sports games in 60s LA, Yosemite and such many times, had a cabin in Joshua Tree, and much more than I would have experienced otherwise during the times when all that Cali stuff was still awesome. Lucky yet again, as always. I miss them all, big time.
Self-made man? For better or worse , probably so. I've been on my own since 16. As Maxwell Smart would say, "...and loving it".

[tutusue]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

If you watch the kid as you speak and really listen to them, they'll let you know exactly how much they can deal with at the moment. At that point you stop, if they want more after they've digested the information you've already given them...they'll be back for more.

Kind of along the same thought process...
MJ, another option is, once you're finished with what you're discussing in that moment, ask your girls if they have any questions. If they don't, reassure them that should they have questions at any time, they can come to you.

[...]But she thot I needed a male role model and set me up with the Big Brothers organization which lead to a wonderful decades long relationship with a guy (who incredibly went to my High School decades earlier, with my mom!) that had his parents living nearby and they simply swooned over me, which I'd always longed for, not having grandparents alive of my own.[...]

This is just sooooo cool; the whole experience you had with the BB and his family. Gives me faith in humanity.

[Ron Whitfield]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

Yes, ts, at times there is indeed a Santa Clause. I just pray the times havn't changed so much that these opportunities are mostly of the past. Let's keep that hope alive!

Out of the ashes of growing up without much other than just enuf, I had an incredible time growing up in LA. The right places, the right times, the right people. Not of my doing, but luck has followed me closely my whole life. I can only wish the same for all others.

Then I came to Hawaii!
Free flight over, with a very cool place to work and live all set up thanx to a friend.
Hawaii has been very good to me.

I know when I die I'll go straight to Hell because I've already spent 54 years in Heaven, without a license.

[cynsaligia]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

Thank you SO MUCH for writing this. It's actually very comforting to read, because it's so well thought out and clearly written. It removes a lot of uncertainty about the process, and prepares me for what to expect, if my dad decides to go forward. Thank you for this gift, Cyn.

I've been thinking about it, and I don't think money is his primary motive. It's mostly anger about having control taken away from him in a deceptive manner. Unfortunately for the hospital, my dad fixes medical equipment and he noticed they failed to do something (whether by accident or some policy we weren't informed about) that possibly led to her brain death. My dad's medical experience is also unfortunate for him, because he's denied a "clean" death for my mom. This thing will nag and gnaw at him.

even more so, i would ask you to talk to him about talking to the hospital. in fact, as your mom's son, you can call and ask to talk to the hospital. i don't know what it is your dad saw but the answers you can gain from a sit down with the hospital staff who cared for your mom can be exceedingly helpful to you and your dad in terms of assuaging his feelings about her not having a "clean death." more helpful, i would say, than talking to an attorney at this point. in fact, if your dad chose to sue even after talking to hospital staff--well, i'll say this: he'd possibly have more ammunition.

One question. If the lawyer decides to take on the case, I assume you have to sign a contract which says you won't back out of the lawsuit in the middle of the process? Or if you do you pay all attorney fees?

yes, there is a contract, but no, there's no clause that says there are penalties for backing out or changing attorneys. in fact, i wish more plaintiffs would be told the truth--that their attorneys might be pushing the case further when there is no reason, except maybe the hope that the hospital or doctor will settle even if they know they have a good chance of winning in court. this is bcs unlike plaintiffs in med mal cases, defendants have to pay out of pocket as the case goes along. depending on the case, the bill for each month's attorney's fees and costs for a defendant can be $10,000 plus. and defendants pay out of pocket until they hit the deductible...which sometimes never happens even if the case goes to trial. oh, and often, when there is a settlement, the settlement documents indicate that there is no admission of guilt on the part of the defendant.

thank you, MJ & ron for your kind words re my dad's death. i would submit that no matter how old we may be when we lose a parent, we're forever their children, and the loss reduces us to wailing, heartbroken 3 year olds. and we never fully recover.

[MyopicJoe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

My dad's holding up better than I expected. I slept over at his house, the night they pulled the plug on my mom. He said having me in the house helped. I think he's focusing on taking care of the grandchildren. He admitted recently it was for the best my mom died, instead of being trapped in her body. It was a relief for me to hear.

Dad still drives me nuts with some of his requests, but he becomes reasonable after he learns more about a given situation. I'm probably over reacting to him (a bit of family history). I just need to be more patient.

It surprises me how quickly I've stopped calling their home "grandma's house" and now I call it "grandpa's house". I've been thinking about why, but I probably shouldn't over analyze it.

I dreamt briefly of my mom. She was sleeping and then got up to use the bathroom. Not happy, not sad. Just slightly grouchy.

----------

So I learned something the hard way. If you want a viewing of the body without embalming, you need to do it as soon as possible. Bodies don't remain frozen in time, even in a hospital's fridge/morgue.


We'll need to choose an estate planning attorney soon. So far HT'ers have recommended:

Rowen Young (craigwatanabe)
Gaye Chun Dickey (tutusue)

My dad's neighbor also recommended Sterling and Tucker. Anyone know much about them?



To prepare for "interviewing" these lawyers, I'm reading "AARP Crash Course in Estate Planning". Are they any other books you'd recommend?

[craigwatanabe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

Rowen Young does a talk radio show on KHVH, Saturdays 3-4pm. It's a live call-in show so you can talk directly to him...for free!

[MyopicJoe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

Rowen Young does a talk radio show on KHVH, Saturdays 3-4pm. It's a live call-in show so you can talk directly to him...for free!

Thanks for mentioning the show, Craig. I caught it this weekend, while driving over to my dad's place.


When a tragedy happens, it steals your complete attention. It becomes your world and is very overwhelming. With time and the help of caring people such as you HT'ers, you start to get a handle on things. You might begin to feel good about your new found "mastery". That's when you remember all of life's challenges which existed before the tragedy. They don't go away; they're just forgotten. Then you feel overwhelmed again. It's a bit of a roller coaster.

I guess one benefit of a tragedy is it teaches you to deal with one problem at a time, which is a novelty for a person like me, who wastes a lot of energy worrying about a thousand things at the same time.

[craigwatanabe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

Doing my blog kept me concentrated on the things I needed to do daily. It also allowed me to express my thoughts while appreciating my Mom's feelings as well. Closure for me will be when my Dad's headstone (bronze) is laid on his grave and things will go on from there.

It's been just over 2-months since my Dad passed away. You'd think it was like yesterday being so close, yet it seems like it's been years. Strange but I guess with all the blog entries, the pain diminished with it.

In time you'll heal. No words, no actions will ever mend a broken heart over the loss of a loved one...only time. We'll sit with you as you endure this moment in your life.

God Bless you

[MyopicJoe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

It's been just over 2-months since my Dad passed away. You'd think it was like yesterday being so close, yet it seems like it's been years. Strange but I guess with all the blog entries, the pain diminished with it.

Wow, it's only been 2 months for you? It feels like it's been longer. I guess time seems to speed up, because we're dealing with so many things.

God bless you and your family also :_)

[tutusue]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

[...] It's a bit of a roller coaster.[...]

Bingo. Just know that will continue for awhile and it's to be expected. At some point you'll notice that the 'arc' isn't as high and there are longer straight-aways. It's called healing.

[TATTRAT]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

MJ, I can not offer near the amount of suggestions, and the rest of HT has that on lock down, but I can offer my condolences. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and positive energy are with you.

[leashlaws]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

I have been busy working my personal remembrance for my father-in-law's
memorial service which is being held the day after my birthday. Everyone has been busy writing back and forth editing/changing/commenting on the program
and such now that the obituary marathon is over. We were lucky to get a reporter to do a nice story on his life and career in the St. Paul paper too.
Obits are RIDICULOUSLY expensive in MN and I'm wondering about the cost here. It was 30 characters per line including spaces and $10.00 each line
we whittled edited and cut it down to about $750.00 each (his mom wanted it
in both metropolitan papers.)

I need to get myself geared up for about 18 hours of travel on Thursday/Friday of this week to the land of ice and snow, most unusual birthday to be sure.

[MyopicJoe]

Re: My mom passed away, and I need some advice

MJ, I can not offer near the amount of suggestions, and the rest of HT has that on lock down, but I can offer my condolences. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and positive energy are with you.

I appreciate the fact you took the time to write something for me, despite all the stress you're going through yourself. Your kindness is help in itself :_)

I have been busy working my personal remembrance for my father-in-law's

What a nice gift that must be for him (and for you).

Obits are RIDICULOUSLY expensive in MN and I'm wondering about the cost here. It was 30 characters per line including spaces and $10.00 each line we whittled edited and cut it down to about $750.00 each (his mom wanted it in both metropolitan papers.)

Eek gad! o.O

I need to get myself geared up for about 18 hours of travel on Thursday/Friday of this week to the land of ice and snow, most unusual birthday to be sure.

Eeesh, 18 hours? How did your trip go?




So for the past week I've helped my dad get his estate planning in order. My mom's death made him realize how vulnerable he is. There was a lot to learn, and I was stressing out trying to get things put into place before he goes on a work trip. Luckily an awesome HT'er recommended an attorney/firm who was professional, fast, and fairly priced. We talked with another firm who was a lot more expensive, slower, and they tried to up-sell us on unnecessary stuff.

I want to feel my attorney is a trusted friend, not a car salesman (no offense craig! :_D)

When it comes to picking an attorney, it pays to shop around (and to get referrals from people you respect).